(no subject)
I hate those days where all of the sudden it just hits you with how much you really hate your life. How suffocatingly, mind-numbingly routine your life has become. It's like you just want to stand there and scream your head off or punch holes in walls... but all you can do is cry helplessly for the shell of a life you're living. Every day is the fucking same. I can't remember the last time my life was exciting and different. There are so many things I wish would change, but I'm too scared to vocalize it or make any effort to make those changes. If my sixteen-year-old self could see me now, she would be livid. She would scream, "Where is the passion?! Where is the drive?! WHAT HAVE YOU BECOME??" And my now self would just shrug and log onto Facebook.
I told myself at the beginning of the year (just two weeks ago, mind you) that I would spend this year doing things that made me happy. I would find what I loved again and I would find something to be passionate about. Already, those plans have failed. What is left to be passionate about? I feel like nothing's worth the effort. Do I have any loves, any passions, and obsessions? I like to watch Doctor Who. Y'know what I can do with that? Nothing. And nothing even seems worth doing. What do I have to pull me away from Facebook and Netflix? I feel trapped in this life. The last two years have been practically the same. I mean, I've replaced Matt with Drew, but it's still the same concept. I see him a couple of times a week and I end up getting upset or feeling like a booty call. The same with both guys. My hobbies (internet, reading, watching TV and movies) have stayed the same. I have a new job, but it's technically still the same job... just in a different building with a different colored uniform. I still can't drive, I still don't live on my own. Andy is the only thing changing, but my days still consist of sitting around with him, helping him do things and changing his diaper. I want to be the fun parent. I want to take him to parks and playplaces and restaraunts... but all we do is read books and watch kid shows and eat microwavable pasta meals. He finds it fun, I guess. I'm just so tired of sitting in this house, day in and day out wondering why no one wants to hang out with me. And the answer is simple - I'm fucking boring. I used to be fun and eccentric and energetic. Now I'm everything but. There's nothing to get me out of bed in the morning. There's nothing driving me or exciting me. I can't seem to find it in me to move on. I just feel like nothing. I don't care about anything. When I was younger, I had so many opinions and views. Anything could get me up on a soapbox. Now I just kind of shrug my shoulders at the world. "Do what you want," I say. "I can't be affected. Just please don't change the Facebook layout."
I hate what I've become. Or what I haven't become. It's really all the same.
I told myself at the beginning of the year (just two weeks ago, mind you) that I would spend this year doing things that made me happy. I would find what I loved again and I would find something to be passionate about. Already, those plans have failed. What is left to be passionate about? I feel like nothing's worth the effort. Do I have any loves, any passions, and obsessions? I like to watch Doctor Who. Y'know what I can do with that? Nothing. And nothing even seems worth doing. What do I have to pull me away from Facebook and Netflix? I feel trapped in this life. The last two years have been practically the same. I mean, I've replaced Matt with Drew, but it's still the same concept. I see him a couple of times a week and I end up getting upset or feeling like a booty call. The same with both guys. My hobbies (internet, reading, watching TV and movies) have stayed the same. I have a new job, but it's technically still the same job... just in a different building with a different colored uniform. I still can't drive, I still don't live on my own. Andy is the only thing changing, but my days still consist of sitting around with him, helping him do things and changing his diaper. I want to be the fun parent. I want to take him to parks and playplaces and restaraunts... but all we do is read books and watch kid shows and eat microwavable pasta meals. He finds it fun, I guess. I'm just so tired of sitting in this house, day in and day out wondering why no one wants to hang out with me. And the answer is simple - I'm fucking boring. I used to be fun and eccentric and energetic. Now I'm everything but. There's nothing to get me out of bed in the morning. There's nothing driving me or exciting me. I can't seem to find it in me to move on. I just feel like nothing. I don't care about anything. When I was younger, I had so many opinions and views. Anything could get me up on a soapbox. Now I just kind of shrug my shoulders at the world. "Do what you want," I say. "I can't be affected. Just please don't change the Facebook layout."
I hate what I've become. Or what I haven't become. It's really all the same.