Made of Fail 3
The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain
Call Center | Los Angeles, CA, USA
Me: “I’m about to give you your account number. Do you have a pen handy?”
Caller: “What’s a pen-handy?”
Popcon
Movie Theater | Calgary, AB, Canada
(A customer walks up holding a large red bag of popcorn to be refilled.)
Customer: “Hi, could I please get a refill?”
Me: “Did you buy this popcorn today?”
Customer: “Yes.”
Me: “Oh, that’s weird because we stopped selling these popcorn bags a month ago. We have black bags now.”
Customer: “Oh…”
Very Low Key Driver
Call Center | Norway, Europe
Caller: “Hi, I need help to open my car. The beeper doesn’t work.”
Me: “Okay, have you tried to see if the keys work?”
Caller: “What do you mean?”
Me: “The car keys. They’re attached to the beeper.”
Caller: “Uh… how do I use them?”
Me: “Just like you would unlock anything that’s closed.”
Caller: “I don’t understand. I need to open the door to my car. How do I use keys to do that?”
Me: “You uh… put the key in the keyhole, turn it around and open the door.”
Caller: *pause* “Oh! Do you mean like the same way you
open the door to a house?”
Me: “Yes, it’s quite similar to that.”
Caller: *very enthusiastic* “Wow, okay! I’ll try that! If that doesn’t work, I’ll call right back!”
This Child Has Few Reservations
Camp | Asheville, NC, USA
Child: “Excuse me, but I have a question.”
Me: “What is it?”
Child: “Do you believe in Native Americans?”
Me: *slight pause* “Yes. Yes, I do.”
Child: “That’s good to know.”
On Completely Different Wavelengths
Hotel | Chesapeake, VA, USA
(Note: the caller ID shows an out of town number.)
Caller: “Uh, hi. My room radio doesn’t work anymore.”
Me: “I’m sorry about that. What room are you in?”
Caller: “Oh, no, I’m at home! I took the radio home and now the buttons on top don’t work. It’s just fuzz! No music!”
Me: “Wait. So you stole a radio, took it home, and now you’re calling because the pre-assigned buttons don’t work?”
Caller: “Can you fix it or not?!”
Loathe Of Bread
Bakery | Sydney, Australia
(I work at a bakery that cuts bread with a machine.)
Me: “Okay, sir, would you like me to cut your bread for you?”
Customer: “How?”
Me: “This machine here will cut it.”
Customer: “You use a machine rather then cutting it by hand?!”
Me: “Yes sir, it is quicker and gets the job done well.”
Customer: *at this point he is getting furious* “This is outrageous! You use a machine to do a mans job! You are putting people out of their jobs! You are ruining the natural process of man and the cutting of bread.”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, I didn’t realize. Would you like me to cut your bread by hand?”
Customer: “No, use the machine! I’m in a big rush to get to my sister’s place. It’s her birthday, you know.”
Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals
Police | Pittsburgh, PA, USA
(I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)
Driver: “Are you off duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off duty.”
Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and police written all over it*
Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”
Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”
Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to hell!”
General Knowledge Generally Gets You In Trouble
Bookstore | Seattle, WA
Customer: “Hello, do you work here?”
Me: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
Customer: “Then why do you have so many books in your hands?”
Me: “I am about to purchase them.”
Customer: “You read?”
Me: “Yes”
Customer: “Then you must work here.”
Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t.”
Customer: *picking up one of the books in my arms* “J.D. Salinger? Who’s that?”
Me: “An author. He wrote Catcher in the Rye.”
Customer: “See! You do work here! You know what books he wrote!”
One Tag To Name Them All, And In The Darkness Find Them
Restaurant | Greenfield, MA, USA
(I work at a fast food restaurant and after work, I go to the grocery store still in uniform to pick up dinner.)
Customer: “Hello, can you tell me where the [item] is?”
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, but I don’t work here. I work across the street at [restaurant].” *I point to my hat with the company logo*
Customer: “Why are you pointing at your hat? I don’t understand. Are you going to take me to the [item] or not?”
Me: “I’m really very sorry, but I don’t work here. I can’t help you.”
Customer: “But you have a name tag!”
Related:
One Store To Sell Them All, And In The Darkness Bind Them
Getting Landlines Tangled
Call Center | Ireland
(I call the customer.)
Customer: “Hello?”
Me: “Hello, this is [me], may I please speak to [customer]?”
Customer: “Yes, speaking.”
Me: “I am calling from [company name]. There is a slight issue with your account. Do you have a moment to discuss this issue now?”
*long pause*
Customer: “Hello? Hello?! Sorry, I have terrible reception here.”
Me: “Sir, I am speaking to you on your home phone.”
Customer: “What?!” *hangs up*
Deliver Us From Stupidity
Cafe | Dundee, UK
Caller: “Hello, I was wanting a delivery to [address]. Can I get two roast beef sandwiches?”
Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t actually do deliveries.”
Caller: “Liar! Why would you even have a phone number in the first place then?”
Bride Denied
Retail | Iowa City, IA, USA
(Two women walk in.)
Me: “Hi how can I help you?”
Customer: “We’d like to return this dinnerware set. It comes from a registry so here that is also.”
Me: “Okay. Is there anything wrong with it?”
Customer: “No, we just decided we didn’t like the bride that much.”
Stretched Pennies Stretch The Budget
Zoo | North Carolina, USA
(I work at the food court at a zoo. After one customer gives an order, their total comes to $10.26. They fish out a 10 dollar bill and a quarter, and continue to look for a penny.)
Me: “Oh, that’ll be fine.”
Customer: “You sure? I know I have a penny in here somewhere, I’d rather just give you that.”
Me: “Oh, okay then.”
(The customer pulls out a penny that has been in a Press A Penny machine, machines that we have around the zoo that flatten, shape, and add an animal imprint design to pennies.)
Customer: “Here you are.”
Me: “Well thank you, but you realize you can’t use this penny, right?”
Customer: “What? Why not?”
Me: “It’s not valid anymore. But really, it’s fine if you’re one cent short.”
Customer: “It’s not about that! It’s about why you’re all too good for my money!”
Me: “Okay, I’ll take it, but it’s not-”
Customer: “Is it because I’m [ethnicity]?”
Me: “No, ma’am!”
Customer: “Then tell me what it is! The real reason!”
Me: “Um…” *I look at the penny* “Oh! Yeah, this penny is valid. Sorry, I mistook it for something, uh, else.”
Customer: “Thank you!” *walking off* “Some people these days!”
A Sign That Tells The Future Is A Sign
Pizza Place | Chapel Hill, NC, USA
(A customer comes in and orders two large pizzas and tries to pay with a $100 bill.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t provide more than $20 in change.”
Customer: “What? Why not?”
Me: “It’s our policy.”
Customer: “Then you should have a sign up telling people that!”
Me: “Well, sir, if you look to your right you’ll see just such a sign.”
Customer: “You should have a sign that tells people before they get here!”
The Cup Is Half Empty Kinda Guy
Grocery Store | Norway
(The chain we are a part of has a free coffee/warm beverage deal if you buy a cup with their brand, new each year of course. A customer comes to cash registry with smoking hot cup of warm coffee and a candy bar. The cup clearly states it is from 2005.)
Me: “That’s [price] sir.”
Customer: *shouting* “What?! For one lousy candy bar? Are you insane?”
Me: “No sir, that’s for the candy bar, and for the hot beverage.”
Customer: “This is a brand new cup! I bought it last week. Don’t try to rip me off!”
(I point out the 2005 and he stares blankly at me for a second.)
Customer: “But I have a gold card! I’m entitled to coffee all year long!”
Me: “No, sir, you’re entitled to one cup. If you lose the cup, or fail to bring it, then you must pay for it.”
Customer: “I shouldn’t have to pay for things that I buy!”
No Holding Back
Call Center | Webster, NY, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling [company] support, can I have your employee ID number, please?”
Caller: “Yeah, can you put me on hold?”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Caller: “I called before and complained about the awful hold music you guys use. I want to see if you changed it.”
Me: “Hold on just a minute.”
(I put the caller on hold for a minute.)
Me: “Hello, are you still there ma’am?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m here.”
Me: “So is the hold music any less awful?”
Caller: “No, not really. Thanks.” *click*
Heartless & Toothless
Retail | Wisconsin Rapids, WI, USA
(I am ringing up an older female customer’s order which includes several name brand toothbrushes. They ring up at $3.50.)
Customer: “Those toothbrushes should be 99 cents and buy-one-get-one-free!”
Me: “That price was actually for the store brand ones that were located right under these. The sale tag is displayed right above the item.”
Customer: “Well, I don’t want them, then. They were for the homeless at my church, and they don’t need toothbrushes if they cost that much!”
Intelligence Goes Into The Trash Can
Web Design | Chicago, IL, USA
Customer: “I had something typed up that I was going to send you. Tell me, how do you find a file that you’ve lost on your computer? I know it’s on here somewhere, but I can’t find it.”
Me: “Oh, well, go to the upper right hand corner-”
Customer: “I’ve tried that! I couldn’t find the file!”
Me: “Hmm. Do you remember what the file name was?”
Customer: “I don’t think it had a file name!”
Me: “Well, did you save it as ‘Untitled’, then?”
Customer: “I don’t think I saved it…”
Should Have Paid Attention In School
Shoe Store | Illinois, USA
(A customer places shoe boxes on the counter and stares at me.)
Me: “All set then?”
Customer: “Oh, yes. School.”
Me: *slightly confused* “Uh, yeah! Yeah I can’t believe school is starting already!”
Customer: *chuckles* “Heh… yeah. School.”
Me: *more puzzled* “Yeah, I know. So soon!”
Customer: “Where’s my 20% off?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”
Customer: “Your website said if that if I said the word school in your store I get 20% off my purchase.”
Me: “I don’t think you read correctly, ma’am. We don’t have any sort of sale like that going on.”
Customer: “It says that if I say school I get a discount!”
Me: “I think you were supposed to text school and get a coupon code sent to your phone.”
Customer: “Well, school. Now give me my 20%.”
Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I just can’t do that. We’re not running that kind of sale.”
Customer: “Well you should fix the internet, then! This is ridiculous!”
You’ll Have To Connect At Baked Alaska
Airport | London, UK
Me: “Hi, would you like to buy a ticket?”
Customer: “Yes, when is your next flight to Oregano?”
Me: “Oregano?”
Customer: “Yeah, it’s in America. I think it’s a state?”
(On my computer, I find the Wikipedia page for Oregano.)
Customer: “Oh…I’m not dumb, I swear…”