For you amusement: Made of Fail
Since everyone seems stressed out about various things, I thought a bit of amusement at the expense of faceless morons was in order. Salut!
Out Of Tune-a With The Menu
Restaurant | San Jose, CA, USA
(I am working as a waitress in a sushi restaurant. A handicapped customer comes in and orders 5 rolls off of our special rolls menu. I bring the customer her food.)
Customer: “What is this?”
Me: “These are the rolls you ordered, ma’am.”
Customer: “I didn’t order these. I don’t eat fish.”
Me: “Ma’am, you specifically pointed at these rolls. The ingredients are mainly tuna and salmon. It is listed on the menu.”
Customer: “I don’t eat fish! You are discriminating against me because I am in a wheelchair. I didn’t order this!”
Me: “Ma’am, this is exactly what you ordered. If you don’t eat fish, you should have ordered chicken or beef teriyaki.”
Customer: “I don’t eat fish! Bring me my rolls!”
Me: “These are your rolls.”
Customer: “I want to talk to your manager.”
Manager: “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Your waitress brought me the wrong rolls. I want my rolls.”
Manager: “This looks to be exactly what you ordered.”
Customer: “I don’t eat fish!”
Manager: “It’s listed with fish on the menu, but okay, we’ll take these back. What would like instead?”
(The customer orders the same rolls.)
Manager: “Ma’am, you just ordered the exact same rolls.”
Customer: “They have fish in them?”
Manager: “Yes.”
Customer: “Is that because I’m handicapped?”
Manager: “No, ma’am.”
Customer: “I’m leaving and I’m not giving you a cent of my money. You shouldn’t falsely advertise. You should say when there will be fish!”
Manager: *to me* “You hungry?”
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 6
Call Center | San Jose, CA, USA
Caller: “I called to let you know the power is out so you may see alerts.”
Me: “Thank you. I will notify the team. Is there anything else I can assist you with?”
Caller: “Yes. I can’t connect to the internet on my laptop. I can’t find the wireless.”
Me: “Sir, the power is out, so the internet is also down.”
Customer: “Yes, but my laptop still has batteries.”
Related:
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 4
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 3
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless, Part 2
Wireless Clueless & Hopeless
Acting Juvie-nile
Retail | Culver City, CA, USA
(While stocking the shelves I overhear a young boy from a few aisles over. He sounds very distressed.)
Boy: “What?! Are you freaking kidding me? Nuh-uh! No way!”
(The kid sounded like he was really in trouble, so my co-worker and I go to investigate. He is sitting in front of the back-to-school section with his mother.)
Boy: “I have to go back to school!? What do you mean I have to go back?! I just got out!”
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 4
Restaurant | Minneapolis, MN, USA
(Three women in their early twenties come in. I ring up the first two, but the third woman’s credit card is denied.)
Me: “I’m sorry, but your card had been denied.”
Customer: “No, that cant be! There’s no way! Try it again!”
(I swipe the card again, and it once more is denied.)
Me: “It still came up as declined. Do you have another card I could try?”
Customer: “No! This is stupid!”
(One of her friends lend her cash to pay for her meal. As they fill their drinks at the pop machine I overhear her talking.)
Customer: “That is so weird! My card was denied last week. Shouldn’t it be un-denied by now?”
Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 3
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 2
This Is Why We’re In A Recession
Higher Than A Helicopter
Hardware Store | Massachusetts, USA
Customer: “I need to make a copy of this key because the police need to use this one in an investigation.”
Me: “Ma’am, this key is broken clean in half. I don’t think I can copy this.”
Customer: “Well you see, the police are investigating into the helicopters and I need another key.”
Me: “The helicopters?”
Customer: “Yes, yes. They break into my car.” *picking up a flashlight from the checkout counter* “Oh! I wonder if this flashlight is helicopter proof.”
Me: “Uh…I don’t know to be honest.”
Customer: “Well. The helicopters always make things stop working suddenly.”
(She clicks the flashlight on and off until suddenly it no longer turns on.)
Customer: “Ah, there. Not helicopter proof. They’re in my veins, you know.”
Eulogyology
Bookstore | Lancaster, PA, USA
Customer: “Excuse me, do you have an ‘ology’ section?”
Me: “Are you looking for biology, psychology, sociology?”
Customer: “No, just ‘ology’.”
Me: “I’m not sure what that is. Maybe you could explain it to me?”
Customer: “You know, speeches people give at funerals.”
Staring Into Space Bar
Tech Support | Piteå, Sweden
(A customer calls in because her computer has been hijacked by malware. After some troubleshooting it is clear that there are no repair options available due to system corruption. We decide on a reinstallation of the operating system.)
Me: “Before we press the restart button I will explain what will happen. During the reboot a line of white text on a black background will appear stating ‘Press any key’ - the moment you see this line you press space. The most common mistake made by customers is that they feel insecure and ask before pressing which takes too long and we have to restart the computer again. The moment you see ‘Press any key’ I want you to press space. Any questions?”
Customer: “No, I understand.”
Me: “Okay, go ahead and press restart then.”
Customer: “Okay.”
(The customer goes silent for a while.)
Customer: “So, press any key. Does that mean I can press any key on the keyboard?”
Me: “Yes, but press the space bar just to be sure since some keys might not register.”
Customer: “Oh. So that’s the any key! Is that the long button?”
Me: *pause* “That is correct.”
Customer: “Ok. Now it says Windows XP and the bars are moving.”
Me: “So you didn’t press the space bar?”
Customer: “No.”
Me: “Did you see the text?”
Customer: “I don’t know. You were talking to me and I panicked!”
Not The Brightest Bulb In The Box
Retail | South Carolina, USA
Customer: “I would like to return this flashlight.”
Me: “What’s wrong with it?”
Customer: “It’s too hard to take apart.”
Me: “Why did you take it apart?”
Customer: “I wanted to know if it was easy to take apart.”
DJ Freud, Featuring The Oedipus Complexes
Drugstore | Houston, TX, USA
(I work in the beauty department and a customer comes up to me).
Customer: “I need a face wash for my son that will get rid of the semen on his face.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Are you deaf? He is too oily!”
Me: “You mean sebum?”
(The customer turns the brightest shade of red and runs out the store.)