Sparkling Vamp
I'm putting up this thing in case I decide to pull it off my drabble page or the barmaids decide to enforce the 'no crossover' rule. On here, I'm likely to forget all about it, maybe even hoping for it.
Rating/Warnings: 3rd/4th Year - Slash, Sexual Situations, Mild Profanity (I think), Ridiculousness
Author's Note: This was not meant to offend anyone of any fandom. It was meant for a bit of comic relief on April Fools Day. It should not be taken seriously. By anyone. Ever. /ramble
Credit: The title, as well as the banner, were the fine imaginings of Elené. Lubs.
The forest was dark and brimming with creatures of the night, but Harry would not be deterred. He was meeting someone special. Finally, he spotted his lover approaching. “I thought you wouldn’t come.”
Edward looked at him pointedly. “How could I not? You know how I feel about you.”
Harry couldn’t deny the honesty in Edward’s tone. “Still, but considering everything… “
“Bella isn’t part of my life anymore, Harry. You know it’s over, so why do you keep bringing her into it?” Edward tried very hard to banish his annoyance.
“Because she’s weird!” Harry was seething just thinking about it. “She starts dating you, so she turns paler than a polar bear’s arse. You break up with her, and she hangs out with bikers and turns all emo. How am I not supposed to be worried about this?”
With a sly grin, Edward pulled Harry close to him and whispered, “Because of this.” He raked his vampire fangs over the soft skin of Harry’s neck, relishing the quivering pleasure that it was eliciting.
Harry couldn’t think. Edward’s warm breath on his flesh was stealing his sanity. How could a creature this beautiful possibly love him? He had thought the same of Ginny, but he took the freak meteor strike that saw her death as a sign that it was not meant to be. But what could come between him and Edward? Would it be death? Would it be society’s failure to understand vampires? Would it be his own inability to maintain a stable relationship? The implications were staggering.
Suddenly, Edward pulled away. Harry missed the contact right away. “What’s wrong?”
Averting his eyes, Edward said, “I’m not good for you.”
“Um, that’s not what you said last night.”
With a glare, Edward rounded on him. “I’m serious, Harry! Why can’t you take my concerns seriously? I’m freaking 109 years old, so don’t you think I’m old enough to know what is and what isn’t right?”
Harry was, in a word, confused. “Why are you acting like this? This is not normal.” Surely, stable people didn’t fly off the handle like this.
“It’s over, Harry. I mean it!” With that, Edward stalked off, leaving Harry alone in the darkness of the forest. He looked all around him, becoming increasingly nervous about his surroundings. Every noise sent a shiver of terror down his spine. At the sound of a wolf howling, he couldn’t take it any longer, and he fainted.
When Harry awoke, he was in his own bed, and Molly Weasley was mopping his forehead with a damp towel.
“Are you all right, Harry?”
“Fine,” Harry lied. He wanted to be alone with his misery, so whatever he could do to get her to leave, he would.
Molly left him alone, and that night, Harry had a dream. Of course, it was about Edward. He was crying out for Edward to come back to him, to stay, but each call just drove his lost love further and further away. His limbs thrashed about, desperate to make up the ground between them, but it was no use.
His screams, however, were not confined to his dream. Somewhere in the distance, Harry was awoken by a sharp bellow.
“Who stepped on the bag of pygmy puffs?”
Harry’s door opened, and Molly hugged him to her chest as he sobbed like a child. Oh, Edward, I love you.
Edward was miserable. He knew that it would never work between him and Harry, but he had not counted on how destitute he would feel without those green eyes meeting his every night. This was it. He wanted to die, and there was only one way to do it.
The Voltroni were a powerful family in Italy, which specialized in vampire suicide. They would help the immortal end their existence in peace. All that was required of Edward was to expose himself to humans. That wouldn’t be too difficult, considering he exposed himself to Harry nightly; how hard could it be?
The time had come, and Edward would expose himself at the Rome Outdoor Karaoke Festival. It was attended by thousands of people, so he was sure that he would be seen. Plus, the sun was shining gloriously in the sky, so they would all see him sparkle. That was important - the sparkling.
As the public address announcer left the stage and the first talentless hack - er, contestant - made his way toward the stage, Edward kicked the man in the shins and locked him in the bathroom. This was his chance.
He walked out on stage, but the crowd was confused when the accompaniment music began without the singing they were expecting. Instead, Edward was unbuttoning his pants, waiting for the sun to come from behind the clouds.
Harry heard a knock on the door, and in came Alice, Edward’s odd second cousin with a lisp. “Alice, what are you doing here?”
“Edward is going to kill himthelth.”
“Edward’s going to kill who?” Harry couldn’t make out what she was saying.
Frustrated, Alice yelled, “HIMTHELTH!”
Still not getting it, Harry guessed, “His health?”
“No! Are you thtupid? Himthelth!”
“Himself?” To Harry, it was like she was speaking a different language.
“Yeth!”
“Ohhhhh, himself.” Then it dawned on Harry. “Oh, no!” He turned to Alice. “What do I do?”
“Well, firtht, you have to - “
Cutting her off, he said, “Nevermind. Just take me there.”
The sun was about to reappear, and Edward knew that it was now or never. These people would not allow him to stand there for long without knowing something was up.
Slowly he inched his zipper down, but before he could reveal his true, Nosferatu self, he heard his name bellowed by someone in the still-silent crowd. He couldn’t place the voice, and in his concentration, his pants remained around his waist.
Who could it be?
Harry ran through the crowd toward Edward on stage, shouting his name on the top of his lungs. He was desperate to stop this madness before the Voltroni killed Edward for exposing himself.
At last, Harry reached the stage, and just as he could see Edward’s underwear, Harry tackled him, landing on the vampire’s chest, straddling his waist.
Catcalls came from the entire audience at the embarrassing pose, but neither of them cared. Harry just stared into Edward’s brown eyes. “Why?”
“Because I can’t live without you, Harry. You’re my own personal brand of heroin.”
“Brand of what?”
Annoyed, Edward snapped, “Opiates, stupid!”
Harry retorted, “Don’t call me stupid, Edward! Don’t you know how much that hurts me?”
The couple bickered for no less than an hour on that stage, but each second was relished by both, as they were no longer parted.
They later had a baby daughter, which they named Jamalisirilily, and lived happily (somewhat) ever after.
Rating/Warnings: 3rd/4th Year - Slash, Sexual Situations, Mild Profanity (I think), Ridiculousness
Author's Note: This was not meant to offend anyone of any fandom. It was meant for a bit of comic relief on April Fools Day. It should not be taken seriously. By anyone. Ever. /ramble
Credit: The title, as well as the banner, were the fine imaginings of Elené. Lubs.
The forest was dark and brimming with creatures of the night, but Harry would not be deterred. He was meeting someone special. Finally, he spotted his lover approaching. “I thought you wouldn’t come.”
Edward looked at him pointedly. “How could I not? You know how I feel about you.”
Harry couldn’t deny the honesty in Edward’s tone. “Still, but considering everything… “
“Bella isn’t part of my life anymore, Harry. You know it’s over, so why do you keep bringing her into it?” Edward tried very hard to banish his annoyance.
“Because she’s weird!” Harry was seething just thinking about it. “She starts dating you, so she turns paler than a polar bear’s arse. You break up with her, and she hangs out with bikers and turns all emo. How am I not supposed to be worried about this?”
With a sly grin, Edward pulled Harry close to him and whispered, “Because of this.” He raked his vampire fangs over the soft skin of Harry’s neck, relishing the quivering pleasure that it was eliciting.
Harry couldn’t think. Edward’s warm breath on his flesh was stealing his sanity. How could a creature this beautiful possibly love him? He had thought the same of Ginny, but he took the freak meteor strike that saw her death as a sign that it was not meant to be. But what could come between him and Edward? Would it be death? Would it be society’s failure to understand vampires? Would it be his own inability to maintain a stable relationship? The implications were staggering.
Suddenly, Edward pulled away. Harry missed the contact right away. “What’s wrong?”
Averting his eyes, Edward said, “I’m not good for you.”
“Um, that’s not what you said last night.”
With a glare, Edward rounded on him. “I’m serious, Harry! Why can’t you take my concerns seriously? I’m freaking 109 years old, so don’t you think I’m old enough to know what is and what isn’t right?”
Harry was, in a word, confused. “Why are you acting like this? This is not normal.” Surely, stable people didn’t fly off the handle like this.
“It’s over, Harry. I mean it!” With that, Edward stalked off, leaving Harry alone in the darkness of the forest. He looked all around him, becoming increasingly nervous about his surroundings. Every noise sent a shiver of terror down his spine. At the sound of a wolf howling, he couldn’t take it any longer, and he fainted.
When Harry awoke, he was in his own bed, and Molly Weasley was mopping his forehead with a damp towel.
“Are you all right, Harry?”
“Fine,” Harry lied. He wanted to be alone with his misery, so whatever he could do to get her to leave, he would.
Molly left him alone, and that night, Harry had a dream. Of course, it was about Edward. He was crying out for Edward to come back to him, to stay, but each call just drove his lost love further and further away. His limbs thrashed about, desperate to make up the ground between them, but it was no use.
His screams, however, were not confined to his dream. Somewhere in the distance, Harry was awoken by a sharp bellow.
“Who stepped on the bag of pygmy puffs?”
Harry’s door opened, and Molly hugged him to her chest as he sobbed like a child. Oh, Edward, I love you.
Edward was miserable. He knew that it would never work between him and Harry, but he had not counted on how destitute he would feel without those green eyes meeting his every night. This was it. He wanted to die, and there was only one way to do it.
The Voltroni were a powerful family in Italy, which specialized in vampire suicide. They would help the immortal end their existence in peace. All that was required of Edward was to expose himself to humans. That wouldn’t be too difficult, considering he exposed himself to Harry nightly; how hard could it be?
The time had come, and Edward would expose himself at the Rome Outdoor Karaoke Festival. It was attended by thousands of people, so he was sure that he would be seen. Plus, the sun was shining gloriously in the sky, so they would all see him sparkle. That was important - the sparkling.
As the public address announcer left the stage and the first talentless hack - er, contestant - made his way toward the stage, Edward kicked the man in the shins and locked him in the bathroom. This was his chance.
He walked out on stage, but the crowd was confused when the accompaniment music began without the singing they were expecting. Instead, Edward was unbuttoning his pants, waiting for the sun to come from behind the clouds.
Harry heard a knock on the door, and in came Alice, Edward’s odd second cousin with a lisp. “Alice, what are you doing here?”
“Edward is going to kill himthelth.”
“Edward’s going to kill who?” Harry couldn’t make out what she was saying.
Frustrated, Alice yelled, “HIMTHELTH!”
Still not getting it, Harry guessed, “His health?”
“No! Are you thtupid? Himthelth!”
“Himself?” To Harry, it was like she was speaking a different language.
“Yeth!”
“Ohhhhh, himself.” Then it dawned on Harry. “Oh, no!” He turned to Alice. “What do I do?”
“Well, firtht, you have to - “
Cutting her off, he said, “Nevermind. Just take me there.”
The sun was about to reappear, and Edward knew that it was now or never. These people would not allow him to stand there for long without knowing something was up.
Slowly he inched his zipper down, but before he could reveal his true, Nosferatu self, he heard his name bellowed by someone in the still-silent crowd. He couldn’t place the voice, and in his concentration, his pants remained around his waist.
Who could it be?
Harry ran through the crowd toward Edward on stage, shouting his name on the top of his lungs. He was desperate to stop this madness before the Voltroni killed Edward for exposing himself.
At last, Harry reached the stage, and just as he could see Edward’s underwear, Harry tackled him, landing on the vampire’s chest, straddling his waist.
Catcalls came from the entire audience at the embarrassing pose, but neither of them cared. Harry just stared into Edward’s brown eyes. “Why?”
“Because I can’t live without you, Harry. You’re my own personal brand of heroin.”
“Brand of what?”
Annoyed, Edward snapped, “Opiates, stupid!”
Harry retorted, “Don’t call me stupid, Edward! Don’t you know how much that hurts me?”
The couple bickered for no less than an hour on that stage, but each second was relished by both, as they were no longer parted.
They later had a baby daughter, which they named Jamalisirilily, and lived happily (somewhat) ever after.