DON'T GET EMO
That's on one of the t-shirts I bought at the Warped Tour. I like the irony of it. I'm the most Emo person I know and I wear that shirt. Ha. So it's officially my 19th birthday and 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I've been wanting to write but I haven't gotten around to it so I'll just vent now. So this wk started out with a big disappointment and it just got worse. I went to Warped w/ Ange and Matchbook Romance and Something Corporate weren't there. The two bands that I was SOOO incredibly psyched to see. I was pretty upset. I dunno if that's what triggered it or not, but I ended up bein really Emo all day. Reasons being: MR and SC not being there, seeing HC people and dealing with their shit, not having Caity there, and my birthday coming up. The shows were cool and it was awesome hangin w/ Ange but my heart just wasn't in it for some reason. We had a long discussion on the way home and that made me think about alot of stuff. Technically it was an argument/debate about me and Caity but I can't call it that cuz nothing is gonna change my mind about her. I don't care how young, stupid, immature we may be. Or how crazy it is that we're engaged. I'm well aware of all of it and quite frankly I just don't care. I'm following my heart and what makes me happy. No one at the house is allowed to use the phone. Caity had told me that she was really thinking she was pregnant. I stressed out like crazy and didn't sleep for days. She called me Tuesday and told me she wasn't pregnant. That was a relief. I went up there yesterday to get all of her stuff and the first thing she said to me was, "Ummm, I'm not coming home tomorrow." Then she showed me her arm that was all sliced up. My heart just sank and I went numb. I just felt like I was gonna puke. The only time I get that feeling is if I'm REALLY upset about something. So we sat and talked and I kinda went off on her and had an attitude. Whenever someone or something hurts me and I'm upset, my first instinct is to get angry. I'm not angry, just upset and disappointed to the extreme. Mostly at first, because of my birthday. I always get SUPER Emo on my birthday. I was actually really looking forward to this one though. It was gonna be perfect. I was looking forward to laying with her in my arms when the clock struck midnight. I was so excited about the idea of having the person I love in my arms at that moment. That's never happened. Then, I had this huge elaborate dinner planned and everyone I love and who's important to me was gonna be there. Now the person I love most and who's most important to me won't be there. That made me really sad. She won't be able to go to the Avril concerts w/ me either. I was excited bout the idea of havin my arms around her during slow songs and kissin and whatnot. But that's not too bad cuz obviously knowing me, there's gonna be other Avril shows. So because she's not coming home, she won't be a student. So since she's not a student she's gonna be taken off her dad's insurance and put on state insurance. That means that she can stay at the house for up to 6 months. After she leaves the house, she wants to go to a sober house. It really bothers me not knowing when she'll be home. School is a scary thought now. I was all yay school. Now I have this feeling that it'll be a repeat of last year. I'll go into it saying I'm gonna put all my effort into school and do well, and all I'll be thinking about is Caity. It's scary as hell cuz I dunno what's gonna happen. I won't until I get to school and stuff. I understand and support the fact that she needs to stay there. If I'm good and she's good, it can only help us in the end. By doing this she's giving us a chance at a future which we really wouldn't have if she came home. I just gotta look at the bright side of things. Faith helped me w/ that tonight. I talked to her and it cheered me up and she helped me deal w/ a few things. Yeah it's still funny that I can say "Talking to Faith cheered me up." That's weeeeeeeeeeeeeird. I cant' sleep and I'm all uber Emo so I took an Adderall... maybe that'll help. Last night when I was upset I tried drinking some wine and I only had 1 glass and poured the rest out. Tonight I tried drinking cuz it's my b-day and stuff and I couldn't even finish a beer. That's good right? I'm at Dan's right now. We were layin in bed and things are still all weird. That's part of the reason I couldn't sleep and figured not being in bed with him would be a good idea. LOL Things kinda just really suck at the moment. I have a feeling I'm gonna be yay sharp objects today. Even worse, I have a feeling I'm gonna act on it. I'm already really in the zone.
Here's my plans for today:
1) Go to see Caity and spend a good portion of the day w/ her
2) Go to dinner w/ Mom, Dad, Grandma,sisters, sisters' bf's, Hannah, Amanda, Matty, and Pete.
3) Hang w/ Faith or go to Uncasville to Dan's sister's and hang w/ all them and crash there. That way I can just drive like 15 min to see Caity on Sunday.
How each of these is gonna keep me from gettin too in the zone:
1)Don't wanna show up at the house sliced up. (again LOL)
2)Don't wanna deal w/ my family giving me more shit.
3)Cutters don't usually cut around people. If I were going to, it'd be after dinner. But if I'm w/ Faith or Dan then the chance is less likely.
It's strange how cutting isn't usually premeditated and is usually impulsive. Me on the other hand, if I get it in my mind and get in the zone... nothing changes my mind. I'm gonna talk to Caity and she's the closest anything could come to changing my mind and gettin me outta the zone. I could always get a tat or piercing tomorrow. I dunno.
I decided to make a list of pros and cons/ bright sides and dark sides to my life at this moment.
Pros:
I made it to my 19th birthday.
I've found a girl I truly love w/ everything I am and I'm engaged.
Faith and I are cool.
I've got a kick ass apartment at school.
I'm actually motivated about school.
I've got some of the best friends in the entire world.
As crazy as they are, I've got an awesome family.
Even though I've been "cut off" I'm still a spoiled little trust fund baby.
I've got a fucking kick assssssssssss car!
I've got a bunch of friends at school.
I've got Adderall. LOL
I'm in therapy that actually works for once.
I might get sober.
I've got a great future to look forward to that involves a wife and kids and lotz of money.
Cons:
Caity's not gonna be at my bday dinner. :(
I don't know when Caity's gonna be home.
I've got a girl that I love more than anything in the world. Meaning she's more important than anything in the world and I'd die w/o her. Scary shit.
I don't know what will happen when I see Faith.
I don't know what will happen when I see Kevin.
My family is on my back about alot of shit.
I don't have my daddy's credit card number or Hoot Loot anymore.
I might end up going to FLOP and that could be good or bad.
I might not get sober.
I've got alot to do for the future and alot to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.
I'm thinking about my mom and Poland alot.
I cut for the first time in 3 months a couple weeks ago. I've realized that cutting is an addiction I'm gonna be dealing with forever and it's not going too well right now. It's coming back into my life.
I've fully accepted the fact that I'm an alcoholic... and I don't think I'm ready to change anything yet. Yeah I could do it for Caity, but I wouldn't be doing it for me and it wouldn't do anything. Just like if Caity was in rehab for me. Us getting sober for one another should only be part of the reason we're getting sober.
I don't do long distance stuff well and I don't know how I'm gonna deal with it.
I'm the most vulnerable I've ever been in my life.
Wow. Didn't think the cons would outweigh the pros so much. Kinda sad. I'm still uber Emo after venting. I went for a drive too. Gonna go take some more Adderall and smoke a bunch of cigs and find something to do. I hope today won't be as bad as I feel it will be.
Here's my plans for today:
1) Go to see Caity and spend a good portion of the day w/ her
2) Go to dinner w/ Mom, Dad, Grandma,sisters, sisters' bf's, Hannah, Amanda, Matty, and Pete.
3) Hang w/ Faith or go to Uncasville to Dan's sister's and hang w/ all them and crash there. That way I can just drive like 15 min to see Caity on Sunday.
How each of these is gonna keep me from gettin too in the zone:
1)Don't wanna show up at the house sliced up. (again LOL)
2)Don't wanna deal w/ my family giving me more shit.
3)Cutters don't usually cut around people. If I were going to, it'd be after dinner. But if I'm w/ Faith or Dan then the chance is less likely.
It's strange how cutting isn't usually premeditated and is usually impulsive. Me on the other hand, if I get it in my mind and get in the zone... nothing changes my mind. I'm gonna talk to Caity and she's the closest anything could come to changing my mind and gettin me outta the zone. I could always get a tat or piercing tomorrow. I dunno.
I decided to make a list of pros and cons/ bright sides and dark sides to my life at this moment.
Pros:
I made it to my 19th birthday.
I've found a girl I truly love w/ everything I am and I'm engaged.
Faith and I are cool.
I've got a kick ass apartment at school.
I'm actually motivated about school.
I've got some of the best friends in the entire world.
As crazy as they are, I've got an awesome family.
Even though I've been "cut off" I'm still a spoiled little trust fund baby.
I've got a fucking kick assssssssssss car!
I've got a bunch of friends at school.
I've got Adderall. LOL
I'm in therapy that actually works for once.
I might get sober.
I've got a great future to look forward to that involves a wife and kids and lotz of money.
Cons:
Caity's not gonna be at my bday dinner. :(
I don't know when Caity's gonna be home.
I've got a girl that I love more than anything in the world. Meaning she's more important than anything in the world and I'd die w/o her. Scary shit.
I don't know what will happen when I see Faith.
I don't know what will happen when I see Kevin.
My family is on my back about alot of shit.
I don't have my daddy's credit card number or Hoot Loot anymore.
I might end up going to FLOP and that could be good or bad.
I might not get sober.
I've got alot to do for the future and alot to live up to and I don't know if I can do it.
I'm thinking about my mom and Poland alot.
I cut for the first time in 3 months a couple weeks ago. I've realized that cutting is an addiction I'm gonna be dealing with forever and it's not going too well right now. It's coming back into my life.
I've fully accepted the fact that I'm an alcoholic... and I don't think I'm ready to change anything yet. Yeah I could do it for Caity, but I wouldn't be doing it for me and it wouldn't do anything. Just like if Caity was in rehab for me. Us getting sober for one another should only be part of the reason we're getting sober.
I don't do long distance stuff well and I don't know how I'm gonna deal with it.
I'm the most vulnerable I've ever been in my life.
Wow. Didn't think the cons would outweigh the pros so much. Kinda sad. I'm still uber Emo after venting. I went for a drive too. Gonna go take some more Adderall and smoke a bunch of cigs and find something to do. I hope today won't be as bad as I feel it will be.