"Dear whomever it may concern..."
I'm not even going to start writing about everything that's going on until it is all over and everything is figured out cuz there's SO much to write. All I can say right now is that my life has NEVER been so complicated. In the past 60 hours alone and INSANE amount has happened. This has been the absolute CRAZIEST 3 days of my life and the 2 hardest ones haven't even happened yet. I pray to God that everything gets figured out before midnight. I really doubt that it will, but it's gonna be 10 million times harder for me if everything is being figured out after midnight cuz I know I'm gonna have a hell of alot more on my shoulders than I already do. I have a really bad feeling about the next couple days that I can't shake. I'm really hoping that nobody does anything stupid... but I can't gaurantee that especially with how EXTREMELY spuratic I've been these past 3 days. I thought 1-27-05 and 3-2-05 were gonna be hard... they don't have SHIT on how hard the next 2 days are gonna be. Whenever I do get into these moods though, I always think about what WOULD happen if somethin happened to me. A few things have changed from the last time I wrote about what to do if something happened to me. Everything I own still goes to Matty and Amanda. They're in charge of everything. Except Paris. Caity already has the small posession of my 2 most prized posessions... the necklace. I promised myself I wouldn't give that to someone unless I truly loved them. That necklace holds my heart, my soul, and my strength. Whenever I was upset I would look down at the necklace and remember all the shit that I've gotten through and realize that I'll get through it and be strong. I met Caity and I didn't need to wear the necklace anymore cuz I realized that yeah it may be a really fucked up confusing situation... but I'm happier now than I ever have been. Right now in particular... I'm happy she has the necklace cuz she already has my heart... but I know that she can use all the strength she can get. I just called her and told her what that necklace means to me. I told her that if she got scared and nervous and upset... look down at the necklace and hold onto it. Think about all the shit u've been through and how this is just another thing to be strong for and that you'll get through. So yeah enough about that damn necklace. Since she has 1 of my 2 most prized posessions... she gets the other one too. I know I've always said that Faith gets Paris but alot has changed. If anything were to happen... Caity now gets Paris. Why is it that I feel like I'm sitting here writing a suicide note? Amanda will probably flip when she reads this. Or at least get a little worried considering the convo we had the other nite about how the promise is void this wkend. But the reason that the promise is void this wkend is cuz most of the time I just cut as a FINAL thing to do. When I feel as though there's a chance that I would do more than cut... that's a good time to cut. A good time to cut? Yeah I know how stupid that sounds. I have my ways to prevent cutting. Cigarettes, crying, alcohol, drugs, THEN if none of that works... cut. When I have my little spurts of suicidal ideation... cutting goes into the preventative category. Cigarettes, crying, alcohol, drugs, cutting, suicide. I wouldn't worry about me killing myself on purpose though cuz one of the things I've learned over these past 2 yrs... I've got a hell of a fucking lot to live for. I've got so much to do with my life and so much to offer. I'm not gonna fuck that up. Even if things don't go as planned... I've got my family and my friends to live for. And obviously... now I have Caity. If something happens to me... who the hell is gonna take off at 1 AM and drive a bazillion miles to see her cuz they're worried about her and they wanna show her how much they care. I know I know... Dan probably would. Dan DOES NOT know Caity the way I know her though. He doesn't know half she shit I know. Alright well... I'll write again when everything is figured out. For some reason I just wanted to straighten out my new wishes and put em in writing. Don't worry... just because I say if somtething WERE to happen... doesn't mean that it will. I'm just sayin in case I got into an accident or something... or Dan shoots me. LOL *breathe* 4 hours 24 minutes. I can do this.