Blood Sisters, Booze, Boobies, and Bad Dreams
This has been an insane week... well, since Wednesday. I went to therapy and had a pretty intense session. I told him about cutting and apparently I never told him that Faith used to cut. That put so many of the pieces of the puzzle together in his eyes. He was like "WOW! NOW everything makes sense!" I was kinda freaked by what he told me but I knew what he was saying definitely made alot of sense. He referred to Faith and me as "blood sisters." He said cutting was our connection. I told him how the reason I did it the first time was to prove how much I love her if I was willing to do something that I would NEVER EVER do. He said that even though I'm tryin so damn hard to disconnect myself from her, I subconsciously still want to be connected to her somehow and that's where the cutting comes in. Being connected to her means getting hurt, cutting is the way of having her in my life cuz cutting is the hurt and pain that she would provide if I actually associated with her. It seems like alot of rambling right now, but it totally made sense. My leg is insanely red. It's def quite infected. It's gonna scar like hardcore. I spent alot of time with Ange this week. We had a pretty intense convo about the cutting and about Faith. One thing she asked me that I really don't have an answer for, "What do you want from Faith?" I know what I want... or what I wantED. I can't say that I really want anything though. Not that I know of consciously at least. It still bothers me though. That question keeps running through my head.
Things got better/worse starting Thursday depending on how you look at it. I went to Schwartz with Danielle and partied with this kid Anthony and a bunch of people. I drank and smoked. I had this strange attraction towards him. It was extremely odd. For some reason my attraction towards Danielle kicked in too. She was the first girl I hooked up with at college and we kinda clung together the beginning of the first semester... so much that people thought her and I were together. So anyways, Danielle was THOROUGHLY trashed. Anthony and I both being into her decided to make a lil agreement. With him hitting on her and me hitting on her all nite she kinda got the clue and figured out our plan and left. Nice one Kash. That's ok she's over it. So I moved on and ended up hitting on Anthony's cousin and then hitting on my future sorority sister. LOL Wow. I seriously wish I could remember the lines I used on those girls cuz they were fuckin golden and they were SOOO goin for it! This dude looked at me as he heard what I was sayin to these girls and he was like "Damn girl! You're a pimp!!!" So I eventually left and stumbled across campus back to my room. I honestly don't know how I made it back. I felt secure having a giant big black football dude walking with me. I heart Keith.
Friday was... wow! I took some Adderall with Danielle and went to FLOP with her and a couple people. That was awesome. Adderall is like viagra. LOL The brothers now have a tray of jello shots they keep reserved for me. That's fuckin hot!!! So I drank and smoked again. I drank ALOT!!! I bought girls shots like CRAZY!!! 80% of the girls that were insanely intoxicated at that party were so due to my influence. :-D I realized something this weekend... I RULE at getting girls drunk! It's SO fun! Obviously I'm really over my not taking advantage of girls when they're drunk phase. I was DEFINITELY taking advantage of my situation. I was buyin these black chics shots too. The ones that almost jumped me a while ago. I wanted to make sure everything was cool with us and let them know I'm not trying to rape Kara or anything. So things are cool with them. I think I kissed some boys that night. I dunno. I KNOW I kissed some girls. I hooked up with like 3 girls at the party. I kept gettin yelled at by the brothers cuz me and these girls were goin at it HARDCORE! I was QUITE the spectacle Friday night. It definitely reminded me of the night at the Muni except I wasn't sober this time. So since we kept gettin in trouble by the brothers, me and this girl went outside. We ended up having sex in the driveway in the rain. That was hot. We got caught by some of the brothers but obviously they didn't mind. LOL So eventually we ended up goin back to my room. More sex. Good times. I took her V-Card. :-D I LOVE doing that. Even though the only girl's V-Card I've taken besides hers is Faith's. I love the reactions I've gotten though. Faith- "Brain... mush." (I'll never forget that) Amy- "Wow... you... are... AMAZING!!!" I just thought in my head "Ummmm yeah. DUH!" LOL We fell asleep naked together and these images of Faith flashed through my head. She's the only girl I've ever let myself sleep naked with. I had a dream about her too. I woke up the next morning and looked next to me and was like ummmm hmmm which is worse... waking up next to you or waking up next to Dezzi? It def true what they say... people DEFINITELY look better when you're drunk.
Saturday Danielle and I went to a hotel party in Bethel. I was supposed to meet this cute Emo girl named Ashley but we couldn't find her. We spend hours driving trying to find girls. The people at the party really gave me a bad vibe. They reminded me of Windsor people and it was driving me mad. I couldn't stand staying there. Somehow, I was sober last night. Well, except for the part where I was high, but that doesn't count. I didn't drink. I figured it was time to take a break. So we came back to New Haven @ like 2 and realized that last night really sucked a fuck. I had a really intense dream last night that I can't get out of my head. The one part I remember sooo distinctly was sitting in Paris with Faith and knowing it was the last time I'd see her and hugging her and saying I love you. That image has been on my mind all day and it's getting me really upset. I'm SUPER Emo today. My anxiety is quite high. How do I know that? By the amount of acid that's tearing up my esophagus everytime I've ended up having a bonding session with Mr. Toilet. Lately, instead of crying or cutting, I've been puking. Let's go from one destructive addiction to another. Awesome!
Things got better/worse starting Thursday depending on how you look at it. I went to Schwartz with Danielle and partied with this kid Anthony and a bunch of people. I drank and smoked. I had this strange attraction towards him. It was extremely odd. For some reason my attraction towards Danielle kicked in too. She was the first girl I hooked up with at college and we kinda clung together the beginning of the first semester... so much that people thought her and I were together. So anyways, Danielle was THOROUGHLY trashed. Anthony and I both being into her decided to make a lil agreement. With him hitting on her and me hitting on her all nite she kinda got the clue and figured out our plan and left. Nice one Kash. That's ok she's over it. So I moved on and ended up hitting on Anthony's cousin and then hitting on my future sorority sister. LOL Wow. I seriously wish I could remember the lines I used on those girls cuz they were fuckin golden and they were SOOO goin for it! This dude looked at me as he heard what I was sayin to these girls and he was like "Damn girl! You're a pimp!!!" So I eventually left and stumbled across campus back to my room. I honestly don't know how I made it back. I felt secure having a giant big black football dude walking with me. I heart Keith.
Friday was... wow! I took some Adderall with Danielle and went to FLOP with her and a couple people. That was awesome. Adderall is like viagra. LOL The brothers now have a tray of jello shots they keep reserved for me. That's fuckin hot!!! So I drank and smoked again. I drank ALOT!!! I bought girls shots like CRAZY!!! 80% of the girls that were insanely intoxicated at that party were so due to my influence. :-D I realized something this weekend... I RULE at getting girls drunk! It's SO fun! Obviously I'm really over my not taking advantage of girls when they're drunk phase. I was DEFINITELY taking advantage of my situation. I was buyin these black chics shots too. The ones that almost jumped me a while ago. I wanted to make sure everything was cool with us and let them know I'm not trying to rape Kara or anything. So things are cool with them. I think I kissed some boys that night. I dunno. I KNOW I kissed some girls. I hooked up with like 3 girls at the party. I kept gettin yelled at by the brothers cuz me and these girls were goin at it HARDCORE! I was QUITE the spectacle Friday night. It definitely reminded me of the night at the Muni except I wasn't sober this time. So since we kept gettin in trouble by the brothers, me and this girl went outside. We ended up having sex in the driveway in the rain. That was hot. We got caught by some of the brothers but obviously they didn't mind. LOL So eventually we ended up goin back to my room. More sex. Good times. I took her V-Card. :-D I LOVE doing that. Even though the only girl's V-Card I've taken besides hers is Faith's. I love the reactions I've gotten though. Faith- "Brain... mush." (I'll never forget that) Amy- "Wow... you... are... AMAZING!!!" I just thought in my head "Ummmm yeah. DUH!" LOL We fell asleep naked together and these images of Faith flashed through my head. She's the only girl I've ever let myself sleep naked with. I had a dream about her too. I woke up the next morning and looked next to me and was like ummmm hmmm which is worse... waking up next to you or waking up next to Dezzi? It def true what they say... people DEFINITELY look better when you're drunk.
Saturday Danielle and I went to a hotel party in Bethel. I was supposed to meet this cute Emo girl named Ashley but we couldn't find her. We spend hours driving trying to find girls. The people at the party really gave me a bad vibe. They reminded me of Windsor people and it was driving me mad. I couldn't stand staying there. Somehow, I was sober last night. Well, except for the part where I was high, but that doesn't count. I didn't drink. I figured it was time to take a break. So we came back to New Haven @ like 2 and realized that last night really sucked a fuck. I had a really intense dream last night that I can't get out of my head. The one part I remember sooo distinctly was sitting in Paris with Faith and knowing it was the last time I'd see her and hugging her and saying I love you. That image has been on my mind all day and it's getting me really upset. I'm SUPER Emo today. My anxiety is quite high. How do I know that? By the amount of acid that's tearing up my esophagus everytime I've ended up having a bonding session with Mr. Toilet. Lately, instead of crying or cutting, I've been puking. Let's go from one destructive addiction to another. Awesome!