(no subject)
I did say I would try to update this more now. And it just so happens I need to vent a bit if I'm going to manage to stop stewing so I can get a few hours of sleep before work.
In my last post, I mentioned that I love my job. I think I need to point out that even as I typed that then, I thought, "I should not type this or something will happen". Listen to that inner voice, guys.
You see, this job has had a lot of severe ups and downs for me. When it going well, it is great. When it isn't, I freak out and stress out and want to quit and run away. I hit that low point roughly every two weeks when, like clock work, someone complains about me.
Now you see. I am generally good at most things I do. Not to be an arrogant bitch or anything, but I believe the key to most things is to apply yourself. However, I am simply not a good security guard.
Funny, isn't it? It's a job where you do nothing. But the key points of being a security guard are primarily things I lack. A) I am not observant. B) I am not confident, stoic, or a stonewall. C) I am not intimidating nor do I look like someone you should feel safe around. D) I am physically incapable of doing nothing for a long period of time.
Feature A I could work on. Being alert is something you can learn. Feature C is a good deal harder. I have come partway on that, but I am still a fat white girl who tends to look on the frumpy side no matter what, and nothing is really going to change that. Well, you know, sort of losing weight and getting physically fit but uh. It's a nine dollar an hour job, guys. N. Feature B is referring to the fact that when you are a security guard in a place where people don't want to follow the rules, there will frequently be people that want to challenge you or get mad at you, and you have to let it roll off of you. I am not good at this. D is just me, and not particularly a part of me I want to change, though I suppose I could. I am HAPPY to have ten hours where I need to make sure people stay off their cell phones, keep an eye on the doors, and otherwise read a book or write. But to actually sit one place for ten hours and do nothing but watch a door and the twenty or so people in the nearby rooms? Uuuhn. It may be a ridiculous thing to complain about (it's so easy! it's practically free money!). But it's not. It's money for misery. I would rather be a cashier pretty much anywhere. I would rather do mindless data entry. I would rather file, shelve books, or do just about anything than nothing.
That said. We're allowed to read books. OUR CLIENT HAS SAID SO. So I read books. There were issues over cell phones previously? So after some pissing and grouching I pretty much stopped using my cell phone. Tuesday I sent like three text messages to a friend ten minutes before the building closed, when there was no one in the building. That's it.
Yet apparently today someone called to complain about how I'm not doing my job because I spend ALL DAY just TEXTING ON MY PHONE.
???
So now work sucks again and I'm stressing.
I don't know how to... I don't know why exactly. I think it upsets me because I know I'm not a good security guard, but goddamn it I am at least following the rules. Much better than plenty of other security guards, mind you. And let me point out that the rules for the building are aggravating and horrible. I'm supposed to keep clients off the cell phones when the staff are allowed to use theirs? Why? They won't tell me, I can't tell anyone else. It doesn't matter if I and everyone in the building things the rule is absurd, I have to uphold it in the face of angry black mothers. Who then call my boss and complain that I am racist for telling them to get off their phone.
Also... I don't know.
I get along better with men IRL, it seems. Like, as a comprehensive gender? I have never worked in a predominantly female place. But this building only has one regular male worker. Everyone else is female. Most of the clients that come are female as well. But while the women who work there always seem friendly, they are apparently not so much. I've become aware of gossip lately.
I.... I have never partaken in gossip much. While I will share my opinion if discussing a situation with a friend, these are generally opinions I would share just as willingly/not deny to the person talked about. I do not, however, go up to someone who I am only acquainted with and talk about someone else I am only acquainted with and speculate in a negative fashion... and then go do it again with more people. I definitely do not call up people at odd hours of the nights specifically to have these conversations.
I have never really partaken in gossip, and so never really been aware of it. I was aware of it in a fictional manner, where I have heard how it can be. But this is the first time I've truly seen it in action. You can not DO anything in this building, you can not SAY anything, without it coming back to you in some weird, around and around the grapevine fashion. If I mention a former worker's name at 8 AM, by noon apparently people think she's going to be working here again.
There was an incident where my site captain lying/joking told me he was getting one site that was waaaaaaay out of his league. I mentioned this lie/joke to my boss in the vicinity of a woman. My boss and I laughed at this lie/joke and forgot about it. That night, while on her shift, said woman got on her cell phone and called my site captain to tell him how I had told our boss that he wasn't doing well (or something???) and the next day my site captain talked to me, rather concerned and upset, that I had gone to complain about him to our boss without talking to him first.
Situations similar to this happen frequently. In this case the woman in question actually works with the security guard company, and is apparently a two faced whore he acts completely nice and wonderful and oh so Christian when you're looking at her, and then spends her night shifts spreading rumors and making up gossip for unknown reasons.
However, that's just how I'm learning how this shit works. Because I see it happen around the work place too. She said this, she said, I heard, etc. And for some reason people pass by my desk and tell ME and god damn I just wish they didn't even know I was there. I don't give a shit.
But I feel a little like it's destroying my soul.
And that tangented a lot and I'm sure it seems like it doesn't make any sense. As far as I know the complaint is just one specific woman (who has complained numerous of times over things which didn't actually happen). But I feel like the gossipy bitch air of the place is fostering this view where it is acceptable to be pleasant to someone's face (NO ONE there is rude to me to my face) and then try to get them fired behind their back.
And I want to let it just roll off of me. But I can't. Because it's always my fault even if I haven't done anything wrong. If someone complains, something has to be changed. We must please EVERYONE, even the condescending, lying bitch who is making things up because she felt a spot of irritation and wanted to take it out on someone. Tomorrow I'm being written up for being on my cellphone during shift when I wasn't. I'm going to refuse to sign it, but the fact that it's happening is very... insulting. I'm used to working in places where your bosses stand beside you. Now, even though I know that my bosses like me and are good people, I'm still being regulated to this ridiculous process where we must be people pleasers.
And it's upsetting and it makes me sad and I can't just make it roll off of me because, by actions, according to everyone it is my fault. And even when it is admitted that it isn't my fault, I must still shoulder the blame. It's never acceptable to just say "M'am I've spoken to the guard and she assures me she did not do that and I trust her".
In most customer service jobs, 'customers are stupid' is just a given. You'll always get a bitch at the register who you have to smile at and deal with. But as soon as they leave your coworkers are like "Jeez, what the hell crawled up her ass"? And even if the lady made you miserable you feel vindicated that others agree it wasn't you, it's them.
In this case, it's apparently me.
Even if it's not really.
And I'm just tired, because this literally happens every two weeks. And I deal with a little better every time. But it still pretty much ruins my day.
In my last post, I mentioned that I love my job. I think I need to point out that even as I typed that then, I thought, "I should not type this or something will happen". Listen to that inner voice, guys.
You see, this job has had a lot of severe ups and downs for me. When it going well, it is great. When it isn't, I freak out and stress out and want to quit and run away. I hit that low point roughly every two weeks when, like clock work, someone complains about me.
Now you see. I am generally good at most things I do. Not to be an arrogant bitch or anything, but I believe the key to most things is to apply yourself. However, I am simply not a good security guard.
Funny, isn't it? It's a job where you do nothing. But the key points of being a security guard are primarily things I lack. A) I am not observant. B) I am not confident, stoic, or a stonewall. C) I am not intimidating nor do I look like someone you should feel safe around. D) I am physically incapable of doing nothing for a long period of time.
Feature A I could work on. Being alert is something you can learn. Feature C is a good deal harder. I have come partway on that, but I am still a fat white girl who tends to look on the frumpy side no matter what, and nothing is really going to change that. Well, you know, sort of losing weight and getting physically fit but uh. It's a nine dollar an hour job, guys. N. Feature B is referring to the fact that when you are a security guard in a place where people don't want to follow the rules, there will frequently be people that want to challenge you or get mad at you, and you have to let it roll off of you. I am not good at this. D is just me, and not particularly a part of me I want to change, though I suppose I could. I am HAPPY to have ten hours where I need to make sure people stay off their cell phones, keep an eye on the doors, and otherwise read a book or write. But to actually sit one place for ten hours and do nothing but watch a door and the twenty or so people in the nearby rooms? Uuuhn. It may be a ridiculous thing to complain about (it's so easy! it's practically free money!). But it's not. It's money for misery. I would rather be a cashier pretty much anywhere. I would rather do mindless data entry. I would rather file, shelve books, or do just about anything than nothing.
That said. We're allowed to read books. OUR CLIENT HAS SAID SO. So I read books. There were issues over cell phones previously? So after some pissing and grouching I pretty much stopped using my cell phone. Tuesday I sent like three text messages to a friend ten minutes before the building closed, when there was no one in the building. That's it.
Yet apparently today someone called to complain about how I'm not doing my job because I spend ALL DAY just TEXTING ON MY PHONE.
???
So now work sucks again and I'm stressing.
I don't know how to... I don't know why exactly. I think it upsets me because I know I'm not a good security guard, but goddamn it I am at least following the rules. Much better than plenty of other security guards, mind you. And let me point out that the rules for the building are aggravating and horrible. I'm supposed to keep clients off the cell phones when the staff are allowed to use theirs? Why? They won't tell me, I can't tell anyone else. It doesn't matter if I and everyone in the building things the rule is absurd, I have to uphold it in the face of angry black mothers. Who then call my boss and complain that I am racist for telling them to get off their phone.
Also... I don't know.
I get along better with men IRL, it seems. Like, as a comprehensive gender? I have never worked in a predominantly female place. But this building only has one regular male worker. Everyone else is female. Most of the clients that come are female as well. But while the women who work there always seem friendly, they are apparently not so much. I've become aware of gossip lately.
I.... I have never partaken in gossip much. While I will share my opinion if discussing a situation with a friend, these are generally opinions I would share just as willingly/not deny to the person talked about. I do not, however, go up to someone who I am only acquainted with and talk about someone else I am only acquainted with and speculate in a negative fashion... and then go do it again with more people. I definitely do not call up people at odd hours of the nights specifically to have these conversations.
I have never really partaken in gossip, and so never really been aware of it. I was aware of it in a fictional manner, where I have heard how it can be. But this is the first time I've truly seen it in action. You can not DO anything in this building, you can not SAY anything, without it coming back to you in some weird, around and around the grapevine fashion. If I mention a former worker's name at 8 AM, by noon apparently people think she's going to be working here again.
There was an incident where my site captain lying/joking told me he was getting one site that was waaaaaaay out of his league. I mentioned this lie/joke to my boss in the vicinity of a woman. My boss and I laughed at this lie/joke and forgot about it. That night, while on her shift, said woman got on her cell phone and called my site captain to tell him how I had told our boss that he wasn't doing well (or something???) and the next day my site captain talked to me, rather concerned and upset, that I had gone to complain about him to our boss without talking to him first.
Situations similar to this happen frequently. In this case the woman in question actually works with the security guard company, and is apparently a two faced whore he acts completely nice and wonderful and oh so Christian when you're looking at her, and then spends her night shifts spreading rumors and making up gossip for unknown reasons.
However, that's just how I'm learning how this shit works. Because I see it happen around the work place too. She said this, she said, I heard, etc. And for some reason people pass by my desk and tell ME and god damn I just wish they didn't even know I was there. I don't give a shit.
But I feel a little like it's destroying my soul.
And that tangented a lot and I'm sure it seems like it doesn't make any sense. As far as I know the complaint is just one specific woman (who has complained numerous of times over things which didn't actually happen). But I feel like the gossipy bitch air of the place is fostering this view where it is acceptable to be pleasant to someone's face (NO ONE there is rude to me to my face) and then try to get them fired behind their back.
And I want to let it just roll off of me. But I can't. Because it's always my fault even if I haven't done anything wrong. If someone complains, something has to be changed. We must please EVERYONE, even the condescending, lying bitch who is making things up because she felt a spot of irritation and wanted to take it out on someone. Tomorrow I'm being written up for being on my cellphone during shift when I wasn't. I'm going to refuse to sign it, but the fact that it's happening is very... insulting. I'm used to working in places where your bosses stand beside you. Now, even though I know that my bosses like me and are good people, I'm still being regulated to this ridiculous process where we must be people pleasers.
And it's upsetting and it makes me sad and I can't just make it roll off of me because, by actions, according to everyone it is my fault. And even when it is admitted that it isn't my fault, I must still shoulder the blame. It's never acceptable to just say "M'am I've spoken to the guard and she assures me she did not do that and I trust her".
In most customer service jobs, 'customers are stupid' is just a given. You'll always get a bitch at the register who you have to smile at and deal with. But as soon as they leave your coworkers are like "Jeez, what the hell crawled up her ass"? And even if the lady made you miserable you feel vindicated that others agree it wasn't you, it's them.
In this case, it's apparently me.
Even if it's not really.
And I'm just tired, because this literally happens every two weeks. And I deal with a little better every time. But it still pretty much ruins my day.