Haiti Report Days 5 and 6 + Random Thoughts
Some little stuff I forgot:
Mum chopped off my hair a few days ago. I decided it was way too long for this kinda weather, even when I had it in a pony tail it was too heavy to really do any good, so I showed her how long I wanted the ponytail to be and she cut off about five inches. I didn't realize how short that would make it when it was hanging free so now it's just at my shoulders which is the shortest it's ever been. Actually kinda cute, but I need to have it fixed up into a real haircut when I get home.
We were visited by a lady who knows Drex and Jo and she brings out all her wares which are touristy souvenir type stuff. I only bought one necklace which I need her to make longer for me, since all in all I'm not big on that kinda stuff unless it's actually good quality. But mum got a picture and some painted animals. I debated getting one of these neat stone statues of haitian women balancing stuff on their heads, but I don't have anywhere to put it.
So last night we went to a pretty nice restaurant. Not the kind of service I would put up with in the states (I think we spent longer waiting for our check than we did eating our food, and two steaks ordered well came out still mooing) but such a novelty to have HERE that we pretty much just laughed it off.
We met up with two other mission groups there and had a very enjoyable time though. Danny and Theresa, a funny couple with two adorable babies (one their own and one a haitian kid they want to adopt) a Haitian couple that spoke very good english and three Canadians who kept being harassed by Danny, eh? Two of the canadians were pretty regular missionaries, I guess. One of them was going to be staying here for a year and the other is here for a month but goes on missions pretty often. Neither of them are more than a few years older than me.
I've been realizing, lately, surrounded by other christians who are active in their faith, that I'm not really fit for it anymore. It's a little confusing given that I grew up in this environment. But... Hm. It's hard to explain. Like... when someone says something along the lines of "I go where God wants me". This doesn't offend me and I don't scoff at it, but at the same time, possibly due to my closeness to the subject (or knowledge of my distance?) I can't quite just wave it off without thinking about it the way I would with another religion. Or look at it purely from the perspective of "Oh, that's interesting!" the way I would if it were say, a buddist monk who saves his head and zens for five hours every day. And this is nothing LIKE that. "Going where God wants you" Is such a basic part of the religion it kind of goes without saying, and yet... I no longer believe it, I suppose. Maybe it's the fact that it goes without saying and yet it doesn't apply to me that I almost want to say it.
Either way, it doesn't quite make me uncomfortable or anything, but it makes me THINK and realize how far I've come... gone. I'm not sure.
When I was a kid we were told "God has a Master Plan". We were told this constantly, it was one more mantra in between learning the alphabet and how to add and memorizing bible verses and saying out daily pledge. I forgot about it, the way we forget as many of those often repeated things as we remember. I didn't really think about it again until a few years ago when mum mentioned it for... some reason. I don't really remember why, but she said it in a way of "They just need to understand that God has a Plan for them" as if it was a comforting thing, and I realized that... it wasn't. I don't know if I believe in fate or not, but I don't live as if I do, and I prefer to think that it doesn't. For me there is a HUGE difference between "God is all knowing and thus knows how things will turn out" and "God decides how your life will go". The difference is free will, and if you take free will out of the equation Christianity is no longer a religion I can tolerate, because it would give credence to all the claims that "no God who would cause all the pain and suffering in the world could be good or merciful", because if it's Fate, if it's a Plan, than it takes the responsibility away from the sinners. Afterall who are we, weak humans, to struggle against the Plan of an all powerful God?
So... I like to think of God's Master Plan as simply him knowing how things end up, and not driving us all toward that end. Does he show up and effect our lives? Oh, sure, but that's still different than giving us no choice. Even Jonah, who was eaten by a whale, still had a choice. A crappy choice but he had one.
I've never felt any calling of God, as far as I know, though I suppose I thought I had a few times while I was younger. I've had my moment of religious fever, of action brought on by the fear for the immortal souls of my friends, but no particular urge to go here or do this that I can't say was just my conscious, my own self knowledge that would haunt me if I didn't stop and get that homeless man something to eat, that kinda thing.
I'm enjoying the trip, in a way. I mean, it's an experience and I like experiences. The people are nice, the work is hard but for a good cause. I'm sleeping regularly and reading in my spare time, listening to music and thinking about the stories I need to write as soon as I have the time and energy. I can't say I wouldn't rather be home, but I don't regret coming. And I'm really not complaining here... it's an amazing chance and I glad I took it but... realizing where I am with my religion makes me somewhat melancholy. I don't regret that either, I don't think. I'm happy with who I am, but it's not who I ever expected to be. I wonder if I'm faithless or failing, if I'll have any belief left at all in ten years.
When I was younger I couldn't for the life of me understand how people could possibly go through life without being active in at least A religion, that's just how important it was to me. How could you not think about a god every day? Wonder at the beginnings and endings of the universe and your place in it? Now I'm surprised that anyone has the stomach for that type of thing. Surprised I ever did. My mum listens to Christian music and nothing but it every day of the week and doesn't understand why, even if I like some of the songs, I never listen to them willingly. And I can't explain that regardless of my beliefs, I don't want to be reminded of them every day like that, because it inevitably leads to thoughts like these and I couldn't stand to do it constantly.
I'm not built for missions, I've realized. I guess that makes me selfish or whatever. But... I do like helping people. I like giving money to the homeless or buying them food, I like donating to organizations and giving what I have to give to charities. I like buying presents for people who don't need them, like my friends and family, and not worrying about the money involved because it doesn't mean that much to me. I like doing good things but... I don't like living it, I support. I like retiring to my bed at the end of the day, and seeing my friends. I would rather travel to europe and japan than haiti again. I can't imagine spending a year away from my comfortable home doing god's work. And when you get right down to it? I don't even feel like I'm doing that here. I know we are, and I know everyone else feels that way. But I suppose my heart isn't really into it. I feel like a better christian when I buy someone a sandwich than when I fly halfway across the world and build orphanages. Perhaps because I know I'm really just tagging along on my mother's holy quest.
It's clouded today, so hopefully my sunburn won't get any worse, and maybe it'll even rain, that'd be nice.
Mum chopped off my hair a few days ago. I decided it was way too long for this kinda weather, even when I had it in a pony tail it was too heavy to really do any good, so I showed her how long I wanted the ponytail to be and she cut off about five inches. I didn't realize how short that would make it when it was hanging free so now it's just at my shoulders which is the shortest it's ever been. Actually kinda cute, but I need to have it fixed up into a real haircut when I get home.
We were visited by a lady who knows Drex and Jo and she brings out all her wares which are touristy souvenir type stuff. I only bought one necklace which I need her to make longer for me, since all in all I'm not big on that kinda stuff unless it's actually good quality. But mum got a picture and some painted animals. I debated getting one of these neat stone statues of haitian women balancing stuff on their heads, but I don't have anywhere to put it.
So last night we went to a pretty nice restaurant. Not the kind of service I would put up with in the states (I think we spent longer waiting for our check than we did eating our food, and two steaks ordered well came out still mooing) but such a novelty to have HERE that we pretty much just laughed it off.
We met up with two other mission groups there and had a very enjoyable time though. Danny and Theresa, a funny couple with two adorable babies (one their own and one a haitian kid they want to adopt) a Haitian couple that spoke very good english and three Canadians who kept being harassed by Danny, eh? Two of the canadians were pretty regular missionaries, I guess. One of them was going to be staying here for a year and the other is here for a month but goes on missions pretty often. Neither of them are more than a few years older than me.
I've been realizing, lately, surrounded by other christians who are active in their faith, that I'm not really fit for it anymore. It's a little confusing given that I grew up in this environment. But... Hm. It's hard to explain. Like... when someone says something along the lines of "I go where God wants me". This doesn't offend me and I don't scoff at it, but at the same time, possibly due to my closeness to the subject (or knowledge of my distance?) I can't quite just wave it off without thinking about it the way I would with another religion. Or look at it purely from the perspective of "Oh, that's interesting!" the way I would if it were say, a buddist monk who saves his head and zens for five hours every day. And this is nothing LIKE that. "Going where God wants you" Is such a basic part of the religion it kind of goes without saying, and yet... I no longer believe it, I suppose. Maybe it's the fact that it goes without saying and yet it doesn't apply to me that I almost want to say it.
Either way, it doesn't quite make me uncomfortable or anything, but it makes me THINK and realize how far I've come... gone. I'm not sure.
When I was a kid we were told "God has a Master Plan". We were told this constantly, it was one more mantra in between learning the alphabet and how to add and memorizing bible verses and saying out daily pledge. I forgot about it, the way we forget as many of those often repeated things as we remember. I didn't really think about it again until a few years ago when mum mentioned it for... some reason. I don't really remember why, but she said it in a way of "They just need to understand that God has a Plan for them" as if it was a comforting thing, and I realized that... it wasn't. I don't know if I believe in fate or not, but I don't live as if I do, and I prefer to think that it doesn't. For me there is a HUGE difference between "God is all knowing and thus knows how things will turn out" and "God decides how your life will go". The difference is free will, and if you take free will out of the equation Christianity is no longer a religion I can tolerate, because it would give credence to all the claims that "no God who would cause all the pain and suffering in the world could be good or merciful", because if it's Fate, if it's a Plan, than it takes the responsibility away from the sinners. Afterall who are we, weak humans, to struggle against the Plan of an all powerful God?
So... I like to think of God's Master Plan as simply him knowing how things end up, and not driving us all toward that end. Does he show up and effect our lives? Oh, sure, but that's still different than giving us no choice. Even Jonah, who was eaten by a whale, still had a choice. A crappy choice but he had one.
I've never felt any calling of God, as far as I know, though I suppose I thought I had a few times while I was younger. I've had my moment of religious fever, of action brought on by the fear for the immortal souls of my friends, but no particular urge to go here or do this that I can't say was just my conscious, my own self knowledge that would haunt me if I didn't stop and get that homeless man something to eat, that kinda thing.
I'm enjoying the trip, in a way. I mean, it's an experience and I like experiences. The people are nice, the work is hard but for a good cause. I'm sleeping regularly and reading in my spare time, listening to music and thinking about the stories I need to write as soon as I have the time and energy. I can't say I wouldn't rather be home, but I don't regret coming. And I'm really not complaining here... it's an amazing chance and I glad I took it but... realizing where I am with my religion makes me somewhat melancholy. I don't regret that either, I don't think. I'm happy with who I am, but it's not who I ever expected to be. I wonder if I'm faithless or failing, if I'll have any belief left at all in ten years.
When I was younger I couldn't for the life of me understand how people could possibly go through life without being active in at least A religion, that's just how important it was to me. How could you not think about a god every day? Wonder at the beginnings and endings of the universe and your place in it? Now I'm surprised that anyone has the stomach for that type of thing. Surprised I ever did. My mum listens to Christian music and nothing but it every day of the week and doesn't understand why, even if I like some of the songs, I never listen to them willingly. And I can't explain that regardless of my beliefs, I don't want to be reminded of them every day like that, because it inevitably leads to thoughts like these and I couldn't stand to do it constantly.
I'm not built for missions, I've realized. I guess that makes me selfish or whatever. But... I do like helping people. I like giving money to the homeless or buying them food, I like donating to organizations and giving what I have to give to charities. I like buying presents for people who don't need them, like my friends and family, and not worrying about the money involved because it doesn't mean that much to me. I like doing good things but... I don't like living it, I support. I like retiring to my bed at the end of the day, and seeing my friends. I would rather travel to europe and japan than haiti again. I can't imagine spending a year away from my comfortable home doing god's work. And when you get right down to it? I don't even feel like I'm doing that here. I know we are, and I know everyone else feels that way. But I suppose my heart isn't really into it. I feel like a better christian when I buy someone a sandwich than when I fly halfway across the world and build orphanages. Perhaps because I know I'm really just tagging along on my mother's holy quest.
It's clouded today, so hopefully my sunburn won't get any worse, and maybe it'll even rain, that'd be nice.