Bleach fic: Distorted Reflection Part III
Title: Distorted Reflection - Part III
Author: aviss
Pairing: Grimmjow/Ichigo
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Psychological
Warning: mind-fuckery abounds, character deaths (not Grimmjow or Ichigo, but quite a few)
Word Count: ~2.500 this part
Summary: Ichigo has the feeling his life is not what it was supposed to be.
A/N: Apologies for the late update, I joined one too may fests and overworked my muse for the past couple of months.
Part I
Part II
Distorted Reflection - Part III
Ichigo stared at the pills in his hand, his brow creasing in a frown.
He wasn't going to take them, not as long as he could find a way to avoid it. At his back, he heard the orderly cough, and he put his hand to his mouth and pretended to swallow the pills, letting them fall to the inside of his sleeve in a quick movement.
It was a cheap trick; one he knew would only work this time. The old patient who taught it to him had warned him that: the orderlies might trust him enough now not to check if he had really taken them, that was certainly going to change after the doctor realized he had tricked them.
That was ok with Ichigo, he just needed a bit more time.
He was convinced now, after that visit from Grimmjow and that kiss, that he wasn't insane. The dreams were real, the Shinigami were real.
And if that was the case then Kisuke Urahara was real.
And he was the only one who could unlock Ichigo's memories and get him out of that place.
Now he just needed to contact him.
If only Grimmjow would be so good as to appear now Ichigo needed him.
…
Hypnotherapy Session 3 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira
October 3, 2010 11:30
Dr. Yamagawa: Kurosaki-san, we're going to go back to one thing you mentioned on the last session, is that ok with you?
Kurosaki: I guess.
D: You were talking about your dream on the day your family died. Are you still unable to remember any fact?
K: Yes, the wall is still there.
D: Did you have more dreams about that man, Grimmjow?
K: No.
D: Did you have more dreams about the Shinigami?
K: No.
D: So the medication is working.
K: I guess.
D: You seem listless, is something wrong Kurosaki-san?
K: No.
D: But usually you have more energy. Are you sleeping well?
K: Yes.
D: But no dreams?
K: No.
D: Fine. Kurosaki-san, you mentioned something in the last session which made me curious.
K: Did I?
D: Yes. You said something about the other one.
K: …
D: Don't you have anything to say about that?
K: No.
D: You don't want to talk about it.
K: No.
D: You need to.
K: No.
D: Kurosaki-san..
K: I said no!
D: Kurosaki-san, calm down. Why does the mention of the other one upset you?
K: I don't want to talk about him.
D: So there is someone there. I need to know about him to help you, Kurosaki-san.
K: You can't help me.
D: Is that what you believe?
K: …
D: Kurosaki-san, if you don't believe I can help you, why are you here?
K: I need to. The dreams and the headaches are driving me insane.
D: But this other person might be related to this.
K: No he's not. And that's all I'm going to say about him.
D: Just one last thing and we'll let this subject rest, ok?
K: Ok.
D: Is this other one also an enemy or an ally?
K: Both. He's my worst enemy and also my strongest ally.
D: How is that possible?
K: He doesn't exist without me; he needs me alive, though he hates it.
D: In that case…
K: I'm not going to talk about it anymore, Doctor.
D: Fine Kurosaki-san. I want you to tell me about your sexuality.
K: What?
D: In our last session you mentioned dreaming about having sex with a man.
K: That was just a dream.
D: Are you attracted to men, Kurosaki-san?
K: No.
D: Is there any girl you are attracted to, then?
K: No.
D: Do you dream about girls? About having sex with girls?
K: I guess.
D: Can you remember any of those dreams now?
K: No, not right now.
D: And do you dream about other boys?
K: No, just Grimmjow. And he doesn't exist.
D: So you don't consider you are attracted to men.
K: No, maybe. I don't know. I haven't thought about that.
D: What's your opinion about homosexuality?
K: I don't have one.
D: You don't?
K: I don't care about what people do or who they like. It's not an issue that concerns me.
D: But in our last session you said Grimmjow was an enemy. Is it because he's a man and you're attracted to him?
K: No. It's because he's a bloodthirsty fucker who tries to kill me every time he sees me.
D: I don't know if you notice it, Kurosaki-san, but this is the most emotion you have displayed in the session. Why does talking about this subject upset you so?
K: It doesn't upset me.
D: You don't need to lie, Kurosaki-san.
K: It's just a dream, I don't get upset about dreams.
D: Is that the problem, Kurosaki-san? That this person is just a dream?
K: …
D: Kurosaki-san, please answer.
K: Yes, ok.
D: Why? Do you want him to be real?
K: Yes.
D: Even if he's trying to kill you all the time?
K: Yes. I want him to be real. I want all of them to be real. I'd rather know they're real than not knowing anything at all.
D: I think you're telling the truth, but not all of it.
K: What?
D: You only have this strong reaction when you talk about the other one, whom you refuse to talk about, and this Grimmjow.
K: So?
D: When you talk about the Shinigami in your dreams you do so with longing, you really want them to be real.
K: Yes.
D: But when you talk about this person there is something else.
K: I don't know what you're talking about.
D: You do. But I'm going to let this go for now. This session is over.
…
Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continued.
After starting the medication, patient Kurosaki Ichigo showed a slight improvement. The dreams seemed to be under control and his behaviour improved, he was calmer and easier to talk to, and he evidenced neither violent tendencies nor self-harming ones. As a side effect he seemed listless and was difficult to get a reaction out of him. His answers to the questions were monosyllabic, and he seemed disinterested in the conversation.
He still refused to talk about the issue of that other person, though his responses to other questions seemed to indicate his homosexuality, though real, is not an issue here. Kurosaki Ichigo appears to be completely uninterested in sex, only the figure of that Grimmjow arousing any interest in him. This character might be his mind's interpretation of a real person, and though in denial, Kurosaki's feelings for him seem to be be real.
It could be interesting finding out who the real person this Grimmjow represents is and, if that's possible, confronting them. It might help Kurosaki recover his memories being faced with the only person we've found that gets a strong reaction out of him.
If that person exists, that's it.
In the meantime, we'll continue with the medication for another two weeks.
…
Grimmjow slipped into the room undetected, like every other time he had done so, and stared at Kurosaki Ichigo.
Ichigo was sitting on his bed, his eyes fixed on the blank wall, one of his hands was resting on his thigh, the other was closed in a tight first.
"You took your sweet time coming back, Grimmjow," Kurosaki said in a low whisper, not turning to look at where Grimmjow was.
It was almost morning, and for what he had said, Kurosaki had probably been waiting for him without sleeping the entire night.
Grimmjow's lips curled in a smile. So he had felt his presence, even if he couldn't see him. That was good. He approached Kurosaki and grabbed the front of his shirt, lifting him bodily from the bed and then throwing him on top of it. Kurosaki didn't resist and Grimmjow narrowed his eyes in annoyance.
It reminded him that, though not as badly as he had feared, but his toy was still broken.
"They're going to drug me again," Kurosaki said in the silence, his closed hand opening and revealing two brightly colored pills. "I dodged this one, and I can probably get away with the dose at breakfast, but after that I have my session with the shrink, and he's going to force them down my throat whether I like it or not."
Grimmjow frowned, approaching the bed and listening to Kurosaki's rambles.
"I don't know if I am insane as they say, but I know I didn't imagine falling onto the bed right now. So you must be here, and you must be real. For now, I know this and it's enough. The moment I take these pills, that's going to change."
Grimmjow knocked the pills out of Kurosaki's hand and they fell to the floor, neither of them turned to look at them. Kurosaki's lips curled in a wry smile. "Yeah, well, I don't want them either. It's not as if I have a choice. I'm talking to thin air, so as far as they are concerned I am insane and they are going to drug me."
Grimmjow felt his blood boiling at the acceptance in Kurosaki's voice, as if he had no control over his future. He wasn't like that, and whatever the fuck had been done to him to turn him into this, Grimmjow was going to find the fucker responsible and tear him into a million pieces. Unable to help himself, Grimmjow climbed on top of Kurosaki's body, straddling his hips, and grabbed his shoulders. He pulled him up, his body moving like a broken doll, and took his lips in a salvage kiss.
Kurosaki's hands curled into tight fists, his mouth opening immediately and allowing Grimmjow to plunder it. He didn't return the kiss, though, just letting Grimmjow take whatever he wanted.
This only angered him more, and he pushed Kurosaki roughly back to the bed, his hands grabbing the shirt and ripping it open. He leaned over the exposed chest, biting and scratching the soft skin there.
"Fuck Grimmjow, don't you dare mark me now!" Kurosaki snapped, his voice slightly breathless and so much like what Grimmjow was used to, he couldn't help the smile that curled his lips. He closed his teeth over a nipple and Kurosaki moaned. "Fucking bastard, stop it now!"
He ignored him, still exploring his chest with lips and teeth, one of his hands slipping under the waistband of his pants. Kurosaki was hard, and Grimmjow wanted to fuck him into the mattress like he had not wanted anything before.
"Stop Grimmjow, fuck!" Kurosaki groaned when his hand curled around his cock. "I can't fucking touch you!" he hissed and Grimmjow stopped cold. Kurosaki panted loudly on the bed, visibly struggling to find his voice. "I want to fuck you, you bastard. And I want you to fuck me, so I must really be insane and deserve to be in this place for the little I've dreamt about us."
Grimmjow chuckled, squeezing Kurosaki's cock and eliciting a low moan from him, before withdrawing his hand.
"I still don't know the whole story, but I know that if you're real, and you feel fucking real right now, then Urahara is real as well." Kurosaki blinked slowly, and then he sat up on the bed and stared at the place Grimmjow was with narrowed eyes, making him wonder for a second if he could actually see him. Then the illusion was gone and Kurosaki sighed. "You want me? Get Kisuke Urahara and tell him where I am. Tell him I want my memories back."
Kisuke Urahara.
For some reason that name was slightly familiar to him.
"I'll get that Shinigami, Kurosaki," Grimmjow said, though he knew Kurosaki couldn't hear him. "And when you're out of here, I'm going to finish this."
He left without looking back. He had a Shinigami to find.
…
Ichigo sat in the psychologist's office, dreading what he knew was about to happen and at the same time eagerly anticipating it.
He was grateful that the shirt he was wearing hid the marks the bastard had left on his body, but they were proof enough in his mind that he wasn't delusional, and that he was going to get out of there soon.
Grimmjow was going to find Urahara, he had no doubt of that.
"Kurosaki-san," the doctor said, looking at him with something like disappointment in his eyes. "You didn't take your medicine last night, and you haven't taken it this morning either."
Ichigo shook his head. There was no point denying the bloody obvious. "No. You said a week, it was just three days."
The doctor sighed. "Kurosaki-san, I decided to start your medication again sooner than agreed because you lied to me," he explained patiently, as if he was talking to small child or a retard. Or an insane person, Ichigo guessed. "That doesn't help your recovery."
"The pills won't help my recovery either," Ichigo retorted, now everything was about to come to the end, he didn't want to play along anymore. If someone was going to help him, it wasn't going to be this man.
"They stop the delusions."
"I'm not delusional," he insisted.
He wasn't, and he had the marks to prove it. He just knew showing them to the doctor was worthless, he was going to insist they were self-inflicted and still pump him full of drugs.
"Yes you are, Kurosaki-san. And this is for your own good," the doctor said soothingly, signalling to someone at Ichigo's back.
He had not heard the door opening but he wasn't surprised to know they weren't alone. He turned and saw one of the orderlies advancing toward him, a small plastic cup in his hand. He could put up a fight a resist taking the pills, but he knew it was going to be useless. He had seen how they injected some patients who refused the drugs, and knew they would do the same to him.
And anyway, it didn't matter. Not anymore.
He had already sent the message, if everything was just in his mind, then he'd stay in that place doped up to the gills. And it would really be the best for him. But if he was right and he wasn't insane, then the cavalry was on the way.
He just needed to wait.
He took the offered pills and swallowed them.
…
Part IV
Author: aviss
Pairing: Grimmjow/Ichigo
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Psychological
Warning: mind-fuckery abounds, character deaths (not Grimmjow or Ichigo, but quite a few)
Word Count: ~2.500 this part
Summary: Ichigo has the feeling his life is not what it was supposed to be.
A/N: Apologies for the late update, I joined one too may fests and overworked my muse for the past couple of months.
Part I
Part II
Distorted Reflection - Part III
Ichigo stared at the pills in his hand, his brow creasing in a frown.
He wasn't going to take them, not as long as he could find a way to avoid it. At his back, he heard the orderly cough, and he put his hand to his mouth and pretended to swallow the pills, letting them fall to the inside of his sleeve in a quick movement.
It was a cheap trick; one he knew would only work this time. The old patient who taught it to him had warned him that: the orderlies might trust him enough now not to check if he had really taken them, that was certainly going to change after the doctor realized he had tricked them.
That was ok with Ichigo, he just needed a bit more time.
He was convinced now, after that visit from Grimmjow and that kiss, that he wasn't insane. The dreams were real, the Shinigami were real.
And if that was the case then Kisuke Urahara was real.
And he was the only one who could unlock Ichigo's memories and get him out of that place.
Now he just needed to contact him.
If only Grimmjow would be so good as to appear now Ichigo needed him.
…
Hypnotherapy Session 3 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira
October 3, 2010 11:30
Dr. Yamagawa: Kurosaki-san, we're going to go back to one thing you mentioned on the last session, is that ok with you?
Kurosaki: I guess.
D: You were talking about your dream on the day your family died. Are you still unable to remember any fact?
K: Yes, the wall is still there.
D: Did you have more dreams about that man, Grimmjow?
K: No.
D: Did you have more dreams about the Shinigami?
K: No.
D: So the medication is working.
K: I guess.
D: You seem listless, is something wrong Kurosaki-san?
K: No.
D: But usually you have more energy. Are you sleeping well?
K: Yes.
D: But no dreams?
K: No.
D: Fine. Kurosaki-san, you mentioned something in the last session which made me curious.
K: Did I?
D: Yes. You said something about the other one.
K: …
D: Don't you have anything to say about that?
K: No.
D: You don't want to talk about it.
K: No.
D: You need to.
K: No.
D: Kurosaki-san..
K: I said no!
D: Kurosaki-san, calm down. Why does the mention of the other one upset you?
K: I don't want to talk about him.
D: So there is someone there. I need to know about him to help you, Kurosaki-san.
K: You can't help me.
D: Is that what you believe?
K: …
D: Kurosaki-san, if you don't believe I can help you, why are you here?
K: I need to. The dreams and the headaches are driving me insane.
D: But this other person might be related to this.
K: No he's not. And that's all I'm going to say about him.
D: Just one last thing and we'll let this subject rest, ok?
K: Ok.
D: Is this other one also an enemy or an ally?
K: Both. He's my worst enemy and also my strongest ally.
D: How is that possible?
K: He doesn't exist without me; he needs me alive, though he hates it.
D: In that case…
K: I'm not going to talk about it anymore, Doctor.
D: Fine Kurosaki-san. I want you to tell me about your sexuality.
K: What?
D: In our last session you mentioned dreaming about having sex with a man.
K: That was just a dream.
D: Are you attracted to men, Kurosaki-san?
K: No.
D: Is there any girl you are attracted to, then?
K: No.
D: Do you dream about girls? About having sex with girls?
K: I guess.
D: Can you remember any of those dreams now?
K: No, not right now.
D: And do you dream about other boys?
K: No, just Grimmjow. And he doesn't exist.
D: So you don't consider you are attracted to men.
K: No, maybe. I don't know. I haven't thought about that.
D: What's your opinion about homosexuality?
K: I don't have one.
D: You don't?
K: I don't care about what people do or who they like. It's not an issue that concerns me.
D: But in our last session you said Grimmjow was an enemy. Is it because he's a man and you're attracted to him?
K: No. It's because he's a bloodthirsty fucker who tries to kill me every time he sees me.
D: I don't know if you notice it, Kurosaki-san, but this is the most emotion you have displayed in the session. Why does talking about this subject upset you so?
K: It doesn't upset me.
D: You don't need to lie, Kurosaki-san.
K: It's just a dream, I don't get upset about dreams.
D: Is that the problem, Kurosaki-san? That this person is just a dream?
K: …
D: Kurosaki-san, please answer.
K: Yes, ok.
D: Why? Do you want him to be real?
K: Yes.
D: Even if he's trying to kill you all the time?
K: Yes. I want him to be real. I want all of them to be real. I'd rather know they're real than not knowing anything at all.
D: I think you're telling the truth, but not all of it.
K: What?
D: You only have this strong reaction when you talk about the other one, whom you refuse to talk about, and this Grimmjow.
K: So?
D: When you talk about the Shinigami in your dreams you do so with longing, you really want them to be real.
K: Yes.
D: But when you talk about this person there is something else.
K: I don't know what you're talking about.
D: You do. But I'm going to let this go for now. This session is over.
…
Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continued.
After starting the medication, patient Kurosaki Ichigo showed a slight improvement. The dreams seemed to be under control and his behaviour improved, he was calmer and easier to talk to, and he evidenced neither violent tendencies nor self-harming ones. As a side effect he seemed listless and was difficult to get a reaction out of him. His answers to the questions were monosyllabic, and he seemed disinterested in the conversation.
He still refused to talk about the issue of that other person, though his responses to other questions seemed to indicate his homosexuality, though real, is not an issue here. Kurosaki Ichigo appears to be completely uninterested in sex, only the figure of that Grimmjow arousing any interest in him. This character might be his mind's interpretation of a real person, and though in denial, Kurosaki's feelings for him seem to be be real.
It could be interesting finding out who the real person this Grimmjow represents is and, if that's possible, confronting them. It might help Kurosaki recover his memories being faced with the only person we've found that gets a strong reaction out of him.
If that person exists, that's it.
In the meantime, we'll continue with the medication for another two weeks.
…
Grimmjow slipped into the room undetected, like every other time he had done so, and stared at Kurosaki Ichigo.
Ichigo was sitting on his bed, his eyes fixed on the blank wall, one of his hands was resting on his thigh, the other was closed in a tight first.
"You took your sweet time coming back, Grimmjow," Kurosaki said in a low whisper, not turning to look at where Grimmjow was.
It was almost morning, and for what he had said, Kurosaki had probably been waiting for him without sleeping the entire night.
Grimmjow's lips curled in a smile. So he had felt his presence, even if he couldn't see him. That was good. He approached Kurosaki and grabbed the front of his shirt, lifting him bodily from the bed and then throwing him on top of it. Kurosaki didn't resist and Grimmjow narrowed his eyes in annoyance.
It reminded him that, though not as badly as he had feared, but his toy was still broken.
"They're going to drug me again," Kurosaki said in the silence, his closed hand opening and revealing two brightly colored pills. "I dodged this one, and I can probably get away with the dose at breakfast, but after that I have my session with the shrink, and he's going to force them down my throat whether I like it or not."
Grimmjow frowned, approaching the bed and listening to Kurosaki's rambles.
"I don't know if I am insane as they say, but I know I didn't imagine falling onto the bed right now. So you must be here, and you must be real. For now, I know this and it's enough. The moment I take these pills, that's going to change."
Grimmjow knocked the pills out of Kurosaki's hand and they fell to the floor, neither of them turned to look at them. Kurosaki's lips curled in a wry smile. "Yeah, well, I don't want them either. It's not as if I have a choice. I'm talking to thin air, so as far as they are concerned I am insane and they are going to drug me."
Grimmjow felt his blood boiling at the acceptance in Kurosaki's voice, as if he had no control over his future. He wasn't like that, and whatever the fuck had been done to him to turn him into this, Grimmjow was going to find the fucker responsible and tear him into a million pieces. Unable to help himself, Grimmjow climbed on top of Kurosaki's body, straddling his hips, and grabbed his shoulders. He pulled him up, his body moving like a broken doll, and took his lips in a salvage kiss.
Kurosaki's hands curled into tight fists, his mouth opening immediately and allowing Grimmjow to plunder it. He didn't return the kiss, though, just letting Grimmjow take whatever he wanted.
This only angered him more, and he pushed Kurosaki roughly back to the bed, his hands grabbing the shirt and ripping it open. He leaned over the exposed chest, biting and scratching the soft skin there.
"Fuck Grimmjow, don't you dare mark me now!" Kurosaki snapped, his voice slightly breathless and so much like what Grimmjow was used to, he couldn't help the smile that curled his lips. He closed his teeth over a nipple and Kurosaki moaned. "Fucking bastard, stop it now!"
He ignored him, still exploring his chest with lips and teeth, one of his hands slipping under the waistband of his pants. Kurosaki was hard, and Grimmjow wanted to fuck him into the mattress like he had not wanted anything before.
"Stop Grimmjow, fuck!" Kurosaki groaned when his hand curled around his cock. "I can't fucking touch you!" he hissed and Grimmjow stopped cold. Kurosaki panted loudly on the bed, visibly struggling to find his voice. "I want to fuck you, you bastard. And I want you to fuck me, so I must really be insane and deserve to be in this place for the little I've dreamt about us."
Grimmjow chuckled, squeezing Kurosaki's cock and eliciting a low moan from him, before withdrawing his hand.
"I still don't know the whole story, but I know that if you're real, and you feel fucking real right now, then Urahara is real as well." Kurosaki blinked slowly, and then he sat up on the bed and stared at the place Grimmjow was with narrowed eyes, making him wonder for a second if he could actually see him. Then the illusion was gone and Kurosaki sighed. "You want me? Get Kisuke Urahara and tell him where I am. Tell him I want my memories back."
Kisuke Urahara.
For some reason that name was slightly familiar to him.
"I'll get that Shinigami, Kurosaki," Grimmjow said, though he knew Kurosaki couldn't hear him. "And when you're out of here, I'm going to finish this."
He left without looking back. He had a Shinigami to find.
…
Ichigo sat in the psychologist's office, dreading what he knew was about to happen and at the same time eagerly anticipating it.
He was grateful that the shirt he was wearing hid the marks the bastard had left on his body, but they were proof enough in his mind that he wasn't delusional, and that he was going to get out of there soon.
Grimmjow was going to find Urahara, he had no doubt of that.
"Kurosaki-san," the doctor said, looking at him with something like disappointment in his eyes. "You didn't take your medicine last night, and you haven't taken it this morning either."
Ichigo shook his head. There was no point denying the bloody obvious. "No. You said a week, it was just three days."
The doctor sighed. "Kurosaki-san, I decided to start your medication again sooner than agreed because you lied to me," he explained patiently, as if he was talking to small child or a retard. Or an insane person, Ichigo guessed. "That doesn't help your recovery."
"The pills won't help my recovery either," Ichigo retorted, now everything was about to come to the end, he didn't want to play along anymore. If someone was going to help him, it wasn't going to be this man.
"They stop the delusions."
"I'm not delusional," he insisted.
He wasn't, and he had the marks to prove it. He just knew showing them to the doctor was worthless, he was going to insist they were self-inflicted and still pump him full of drugs.
"Yes you are, Kurosaki-san. And this is for your own good," the doctor said soothingly, signalling to someone at Ichigo's back.
He had not heard the door opening but he wasn't surprised to know they weren't alone. He turned and saw one of the orderlies advancing toward him, a small plastic cup in his hand. He could put up a fight a resist taking the pills, but he knew it was going to be useless. He had seen how they injected some patients who refused the drugs, and knew they would do the same to him.
And anyway, it didn't matter. Not anymore.
He had already sent the message, if everything was just in his mind, then he'd stay in that place doped up to the gills. And it would really be the best for him. But if he was right and he wasn't insane, then the cavalry was on the way.
He just needed to wait.
He took the offered pills and swallowed them.
…
Part IV