Bleach fic: Distorted Reflection - Part II
Title: Distorted Reflection - Part II
Author: aviss
Pairing: Grimmjow/Ichigo
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Psychological
Warning: mind-fuckery abounds, character deaths (not Grimmjow or Ichigo, but quite a few)
Word Count: ~2.900 this part
Summary: Ichigo has the feeling his life is not what it was supposed to be.
Part I
Distorted Reflection - Part II
Hypnotherapy Session 2 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira
September 27, 2010 13:45
Dr. Yamagawa: We're going to try to break the wall down Kurosaki-san, are you ready?
Kurosaki: I guess.
D: Let's go to the beginning of the wall. You fall asleep, what is there now?
K: Nothing, just blackness.
D: Can you see the wall? Picture it in your mind; see the individual bricks that form it. Try to tear them down.
K: I can't.
D: Yes you can. You're strong.
K: No, I can't see the bricks. There is just the darkness of the wall. If I put my hands to it, it shifts around them.
D: Push, try to break through.
K: I'm trying. But it keeps shifting as if avoiding my touch.
D: Keep trying.
K: It's not fucking working!
D: Let's stop. Tell me about the day of the accident.
K: There is nothing there, just the blackness.
D: But you dreamt about it. Tell me about your dream.
K: You said the dream wasn't real.
D: I know. But I want to hear about it anyway.
K: Fine. We're getting ready for the party, the clinic is closed and most of my friends have gathered here. There's still some people missing, and my sisters and father are beginning to get on my nerves. I feel uncomfortable, as if there is something I'd rather be doing that celebrating, but we've earned it. They've earned it after the Winter War. I guess it's just me, and I don't want to spoil it for them.
D: Tell me who's there?
K: My father and sisters. Inoue. Ishida. Chad. Tatsuki. Keigo. The usual gang. We're still waiting for Rukia and Renji, but they're coming and they said they'd bring Urahara and the rest of the shinigami with them. Shinji and his group stopped by a few minutes ago, but they didn't stay.
D: You keep fidgeting; you're feeling restless, why?
K: I'm waiting for someone else. He's not invited but I'm sure he'll come. If he does, all hell is going to break loose and I don't want that.
D: Why do you think that person's presence is a bad thing?
K: As far as everyone is concerned, he's not alive.
D: Is he a ghost?
K: No, not exactly.
D: What is he?
K: An enemy. A fucking pest. A friend?
D: But you still want to see him.
K: Yes.
D: Right. Tell me more.
K: I say I'm going to get more sake and beer. Renji is bringing Madarame and Matsumoto with him, they'll probably drink us out of house and home, the bottomless pits.
D: Is this true?
K: Yes. No. It's true, but it's not the reason I want to leave. I've felt him close and I can tell Inoue has as well. I have to stop him reaching the house before the shinigami get here.
D: So you leave.
K: Yes, I go after him.
D: What happens when you find him?
K: The usual.
D: Please elaborate. There is no need for you to be ashamed, remember it's not real, just a dream.
K: Fine. He--he--we fight. That's nothing new, we're always fighting, but at least this time we're not trying to kill each other. I'm shouting at him, telling him to fuck off and don't come close to the house. He grabs me and holds me against a wall, pinning me there with his body. He--
D: Continue Kurosaki-san, please.
K: He kisses me, alright? I know I should have stopped this before, it's not right. But I didn't, I don't want to. He's kissing me and I kiss him back.
D: You're kissing a man, is that what embarrasses you about this situation?
K: No! I'm kissing a fucking Espada! I should have killed him, but I didn't.
D: Why do you think you had to kill this man?
K: Did you not hear me? He's an Espada, an enemy. We've tried to kill each other countless times; we fought in opposite sides of the War. Instead we're screwing each other against the first available surface whenever we get the chance.
D: Is that what you're doing now instead of attending your party?
K: Yes. I know I have to get him away from here before we're discovered, but I can't think clearly when we're like this. I never could, I guess that's always been the problem.
D: Are you discovered, then?
K: No. There's this loud explosion and we break apart. We rush to the source of the noise and I lose it.
D: Tell me what you see.
K: My house is gone. There is nothing there, as if someone has shot a powerful cero before they had the chance to notice. I can see bodies among the rubble, though I can't recognize any of them from this distance. I know who they are; I don't need to see it closer.
D: What else is there?
K: An Arrancar. A fucking Arrancar. They are all supposed to be dead, but somehow we missed this one, those fuckers at Soul Society didn't clean up Hueco Mundo properly. Grimmjow is there, next to me, staring at the Arrancar and getting ready to shot him into oblivion. I don't let him.
D: What's happening now?
K: I'm screaming at Grimmjow to get the fuck away from my sight. This has finally woken me up, what the fuck I was doing with an Espada? He's the same as that thing that just destroyed my house. Grimmjow doesn't move and I attack him.
D: But he wasn't the one who did it.
K: I know. But he's the reason I wasn't there to stop it. I should have been with my family and friends, instead I was rutting against this bastard in a godforsaken alley. The other Arrancar shots another cero, straight at us and Grimmjow deflects it and shots one in response. The Arrancar vanishes, dissolving into ashes unable to withstand Grimmjow's cero. I can feel Renji and Rukia's presence with half of Soul Society on tow and I know Grimmjow is a goner the moment they arrive. He knows as well. I'm not thinking clearly and I want to blame someone so I attack him, trying to stop him leaving. Normally, I can beat him, but I can't reach my badge and change; and the other one, the one in my head, is screaming at me.
D: Who's the one in your head?
K: I don't want to talk about him.
D: You need to.
K: No. You said this is a dream, not real.
D: We'll come back to this later, then. Tell me the rest of your dream.
K: There is nothing more. I'm fighting Grimmjow and the shinigami are approaching. Grimmjow shots a cero and I can't dodge on time, I'm not as agile when I'm not in my spiritual form. This is where I woke up.
D: Tell me what you remember, really remember, of the accident.
K: Nothing, same as before. Nothing.
D: We still need to talk about that voice in your head; do you hear it only when you're dreaming?
K: I don't want to talk about it, I said.
D: Calm down, Kurosaki-san. I'll stop here, you can wake up now.
…
Grimmjow smiled, the taste of Kurosaki's lips and blood still fresh in his mouth.
Kurosaki was not as beaten as he feared; his toy wasn't broken beyond repair.
He had not intended to approach him yet, but Grimmjow wasn't a patient being. A year, a fucking year since the last time he had fucked Kurosaki was more than what Grimmjow was willing to wait. He wasn't used to deny himself his pleasures and didn't put much stock in delayed satisfaction. He wanted his toy back.
Grimmjow wasn't willing to admit, not even to himself, that his search for Kurosaki meant more than that. Granted, he had had toys before and had never given a fuck whether they broke or not. He usually got tired of them long before that.
Kurosaki Ichigo was different, special. He didn't need to submit to Grimmjow, he wanted to. Had wanted to since before the War ended. He had seen it coming while they were still in Hueco Mundo, and had no qualms taking advantage of it: Kurosaki had nothing to prove to Grimmjow in terms of strength, not after fighting him, and took everything Grimmjow dished him with a hunger that surprised both of them.
He had thought, after the first few times, that he'd grow tired of Kurosaki. He'd been wrong.
Surprisingly enough, every time he had Kurosaki under him he wanted more, the thirst increasing instead of being quenched.
And that last time, when Kurosaki had turned against him and looked at Grimmjow with hatred and distaste had really irked him. It had been the last time he had seen Kurosaki as he remembered him, all fire and passion and life.
He had been forced to leave then, the approach of the shinigami as timely as it always was.
The next time he had seen him, Kurosaki had changed. He didn't see Grimmjow, didn't heard him, and his eyes were vacant and haunted. He had been close to killing him right then and there, killing that empty shell trying to replace Kurosaki Ichigo. He had managed to control himself in the nick of time, but had lost Kurosaki's trail right after he had been discharged from the hospital.
Now he had found him again, and this time he was going to get his toy back whatever the cost.
…
Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continued.
Kurosaki Ichigo was admitted into ER with injuries and lacerations of diverse severity on his body. He was conscious but unable to give a reasonable explanation for them. He insists on them not being self-inflicted. Due to the severity of some of the wounds the doctor who treated him suspects he might have been involved in a fight, which the patient denies. He claims being attacked by an unseen person.
It seems his violent tendencies are returning, in conjunction with his delusions, we advise admitting him into an institution for further treatment.
Treatment: The second hypnotherapy session failed to remove the block on the patient's memories, but two facts stand clear from that session.
First, there seems to be transference of guilt to a subject in his dreams. His dreams seem to indicate possible sexual identity problems. Patient admits to have a relationship with a man in his dreams, though he doesn’t seem perturbed by the gender of his partner. He does treat him like and enemy, though, which might indicate he hasn't accepted his own homosexuality at a subconscious level.
Most disturbing is, though, the mentions of the other one. The mention of this other person, who apparently speaks inside the head of the patient, made Kurosaki close up and refuse to give more information. He responded with fear and anger to repeated attempts to bring up the subject. This other person might be the same one in his dreams and fantasies, but for what I gather from his dream it could be a completely different person. More information in this is needed before a diagnosis can be made, but this fact coupled with Kurosaki's delusions of seeing ghosts even before the amnesia, points at the possibility of Schizophrenia.
…
Ichigo sat in the hideous pastel room again, staring out of the window and counting the minutes for the session to be over.
He'd been going there to have those chats with the shrink twice a day, as it had been requested, and the only thing that had changed since the first time was that Ichigo felt his patience wearing thinner with each session.
They were not helping. They couldn't help.
He was more convinced than ever that he wasn't insane, that his dreams were the real memories. It didn't matter what the doctor said, he knew what he had felt and it had felt real.
"I want you tell me about your dreams again Kurosaki-san," the doctor said breaking the silence, apparently convinced that Ichigo wasn't going to speak without prompting.
Ichigo turned to look at him curiously. "I though those dreams were interfering with my treatment and I wasn't supposed to think or talk about them," he said, his tone flat and controlled.
The doctor nodded. "You're right, and that's the reason I want to hear about them."
Ichigo blinked, not saying anything, and the doctor sighed.
"Kurosaki-san, we both know you're smart. I told you three days ago that if you continued having those dreams I'd start your medication to try to repress them," Ichigo nodded, acknowledging the doctor's words. "You're still having them, only now you won't talk about them. This is not helping either."
"How do you know?" Ichigo asked, defensively. He realized his mistake immediately and cursed inwardly. The doctor smiled.
"One of the orderlies heard you last night. Sometimes you talk in your sleep, and apparently last night you were very loud."
Ichigo felt his face heating up at what the doctor was implying. He remembered the previous night's dream. He had dreamt about Grimmjow.
"I find it curious," the doctor continued as if Ichigo's silence was an admission of guilt. He guessed it was, in a way. "That you talk about the shinigami freely, and also about the arrancar and the war. But there is something you never mention about your dreams."
Shit! He knew what was coming.
"Or should I say someone." The doctor looked at Ichigo straight in the eye, holding his gaze. "Tell me about the Espada."
There was no way to get out of that one, but luckily the doctor had not phrased it properly. Ichigo could talk about the Espada; he had no problem talking about them as long as he kept it vague and general.
"In my dreams," he began, making sure the doctor noticed it. He wasn't going to make the same mistake again, he wasn't about to insist in them being real. "The Espada are the strongest Arrancar, Aizen's generals in the war. They are powerful and bloodthirsty, and very difficult to kill."
The doctor wasn't fooled, though. "I have here the transcript from one of your hypnotherapy sessions. You talk about Espada, but it seems you're referring to only one of them."
"Do I?"
The doctor sighed. "Kurosaki-san, I'm not stupid and I know you're not either. Don't try to confuse me with this. Tell me about this particular Espada."
Ichigo clenched his jaw, annoyed. The doctor wanted to hear about Grimmjow, well, he was going to hear about Grimmjow. If the orderly had reported Ichigo's dream to the doctor there wasn't much to hide anyway.
"In my dream Grimmjow is the Sexta Espada. The sixth strongest fighter and a fucking psychopath. He's always out for blood, my blood."
"That's not all he is, right Kurosaki-san?"
"No, that's not all," he said looking at the doctor and willing his body not to betray any embarrassment about what is coming. "It starts that way, but soon we realize it's more than that. We try to kill each other, and then we save each other's lives. It doesn't make sense to anyone else, but if someone is going to kill the fucker it better be me. I know he feels the same."
"That's very possessive, isn't it?"
"Yes, but we're in the middle of a war, we don't care about what the rest thinks. It works for us."
"You don't stay as enemies for long, do you?" The doctor prompted as soon as Ichigo fell silent.
"We are enemies, we will always be enemies. He's an Espada, I'm a Shinigami. What can we be if not that?"
The doctor held his gaze, one of his hands tapping gently the papers on top of his desk where Ichigo's file was. "Lovers, for what I can see."
"Yes, that too," Ichigo said finally averting his eyes.
"Is that right, then?" the doctor said, sounding surprised for the first time.
Ichigo looked at his again. "Yes. It shouldn't have happened, but I suppose it's unavoidable. We're unable to stay away from each other; we should have seen it coming sooner."
"For what you say, Grimmjow is a man."
"He's not human, he's not even alive. But yes, he's male."
The doctor looked at him, his eyes narrowing slightly. "And you're comfortable with it?"
"Yes."
"Are you homosexual?" The doctor asked bluntly, finally bringing up the point he seemed to have been fixated on. Ichigo was ready for it.
He allowed a small smile to curve his lips. "I don't think I am. This is not real, just a dream, remember?"
The doctor returned his smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You're right, Kurosaki-san. We're finished for today. I'll see you in the morning."
Ichigo left, feeling like he had scored a small victory.
It lasted exactly until the moment they brought him dinner. Next to his food was a small plastic container with some pills.
…
Part III
Author: aviss
Pairing: Grimmjow/Ichigo
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst, Psychological
Warning: mind-fuckery abounds, character deaths (not Grimmjow or Ichigo, but quite a few)
Word Count: ~2.900 this part
Summary: Ichigo has the feeling his life is not what it was supposed to be.
Part I
Distorted Reflection - Part II
Hypnotherapy Session 2 - Patient Kurosaki Ichigo
Doctor: Yamagawa Akira
September 27, 2010 13:45
Dr. Yamagawa: We're going to try to break the wall down Kurosaki-san, are you ready?
Kurosaki: I guess.
D: Let's go to the beginning of the wall. You fall asleep, what is there now?
K: Nothing, just blackness.
D: Can you see the wall? Picture it in your mind; see the individual bricks that form it. Try to tear them down.
K: I can't.
D: Yes you can. You're strong.
K: No, I can't see the bricks. There is just the darkness of the wall. If I put my hands to it, it shifts around them.
D: Push, try to break through.
K: I'm trying. But it keeps shifting as if avoiding my touch.
D: Keep trying.
K: It's not fucking working!
D: Let's stop. Tell me about the day of the accident.
K: There is nothing there, just the blackness.
D: But you dreamt about it. Tell me about your dream.
K: You said the dream wasn't real.
D: I know. But I want to hear about it anyway.
K: Fine. We're getting ready for the party, the clinic is closed and most of my friends have gathered here. There's still some people missing, and my sisters and father are beginning to get on my nerves. I feel uncomfortable, as if there is something I'd rather be doing that celebrating, but we've earned it. They've earned it after the Winter War. I guess it's just me, and I don't want to spoil it for them.
D: Tell me who's there?
K: My father and sisters. Inoue. Ishida. Chad. Tatsuki. Keigo. The usual gang. We're still waiting for Rukia and Renji, but they're coming and they said they'd bring Urahara and the rest of the shinigami with them. Shinji and his group stopped by a few minutes ago, but they didn't stay.
D: You keep fidgeting; you're feeling restless, why?
K: I'm waiting for someone else. He's not invited but I'm sure he'll come. If he does, all hell is going to break loose and I don't want that.
D: Why do you think that person's presence is a bad thing?
K: As far as everyone is concerned, he's not alive.
D: Is he a ghost?
K: No, not exactly.
D: What is he?
K: An enemy. A fucking pest. A friend?
D: But you still want to see him.
K: Yes.
D: Right. Tell me more.
K: I say I'm going to get more sake and beer. Renji is bringing Madarame and Matsumoto with him, they'll probably drink us out of house and home, the bottomless pits.
D: Is this true?
K: Yes. No. It's true, but it's not the reason I want to leave. I've felt him close and I can tell Inoue has as well. I have to stop him reaching the house before the shinigami get here.
D: So you leave.
K: Yes, I go after him.
D: What happens when you find him?
K: The usual.
D: Please elaborate. There is no need for you to be ashamed, remember it's not real, just a dream.
K: Fine. He--he--we fight. That's nothing new, we're always fighting, but at least this time we're not trying to kill each other. I'm shouting at him, telling him to fuck off and don't come close to the house. He grabs me and holds me against a wall, pinning me there with his body. He--
D: Continue Kurosaki-san, please.
K: He kisses me, alright? I know I should have stopped this before, it's not right. But I didn't, I don't want to. He's kissing me and I kiss him back.
D: You're kissing a man, is that what embarrasses you about this situation?
K: No! I'm kissing a fucking Espada! I should have killed him, but I didn't.
D: Why do you think you had to kill this man?
K: Did you not hear me? He's an Espada, an enemy. We've tried to kill each other countless times; we fought in opposite sides of the War. Instead we're screwing each other against the first available surface whenever we get the chance.
D: Is that what you're doing now instead of attending your party?
K: Yes. I know I have to get him away from here before we're discovered, but I can't think clearly when we're like this. I never could, I guess that's always been the problem.
D: Are you discovered, then?
K: No. There's this loud explosion and we break apart. We rush to the source of the noise and I lose it.
D: Tell me what you see.
K: My house is gone. There is nothing there, as if someone has shot a powerful cero before they had the chance to notice. I can see bodies among the rubble, though I can't recognize any of them from this distance. I know who they are; I don't need to see it closer.
D: What else is there?
K: An Arrancar. A fucking Arrancar. They are all supposed to be dead, but somehow we missed this one, those fuckers at Soul Society didn't clean up Hueco Mundo properly. Grimmjow is there, next to me, staring at the Arrancar and getting ready to shot him into oblivion. I don't let him.
D: What's happening now?
K: I'm screaming at Grimmjow to get the fuck away from my sight. This has finally woken me up, what the fuck I was doing with an Espada? He's the same as that thing that just destroyed my house. Grimmjow doesn't move and I attack him.
D: But he wasn't the one who did it.
K: I know. But he's the reason I wasn't there to stop it. I should have been with my family and friends, instead I was rutting against this bastard in a godforsaken alley. The other Arrancar shots another cero, straight at us and Grimmjow deflects it and shots one in response. The Arrancar vanishes, dissolving into ashes unable to withstand Grimmjow's cero. I can feel Renji and Rukia's presence with half of Soul Society on tow and I know Grimmjow is a goner the moment they arrive. He knows as well. I'm not thinking clearly and I want to blame someone so I attack him, trying to stop him leaving. Normally, I can beat him, but I can't reach my badge and change; and the other one, the one in my head, is screaming at me.
D: Who's the one in your head?
K: I don't want to talk about him.
D: You need to.
K: No. You said this is a dream, not real.
D: We'll come back to this later, then. Tell me the rest of your dream.
K: There is nothing more. I'm fighting Grimmjow and the shinigami are approaching. Grimmjow shots a cero and I can't dodge on time, I'm not as agile when I'm not in my spiritual form. This is where I woke up.
D: Tell me what you remember, really remember, of the accident.
K: Nothing, same as before. Nothing.
D: We still need to talk about that voice in your head; do you hear it only when you're dreaming?
K: I don't want to talk about it, I said.
D: Calm down, Kurosaki-san. I'll stop here, you can wake up now.
…
Grimmjow smiled, the taste of Kurosaki's lips and blood still fresh in his mouth.
Kurosaki was not as beaten as he feared; his toy wasn't broken beyond repair.
He had not intended to approach him yet, but Grimmjow wasn't a patient being. A year, a fucking year since the last time he had fucked Kurosaki was more than what Grimmjow was willing to wait. He wasn't used to deny himself his pleasures and didn't put much stock in delayed satisfaction. He wanted his toy back.
Grimmjow wasn't willing to admit, not even to himself, that his search for Kurosaki meant more than that. Granted, he had had toys before and had never given a fuck whether they broke or not. He usually got tired of them long before that.
Kurosaki Ichigo was different, special. He didn't need to submit to Grimmjow, he wanted to. Had wanted to since before the War ended. He had seen it coming while they were still in Hueco Mundo, and had no qualms taking advantage of it: Kurosaki had nothing to prove to Grimmjow in terms of strength, not after fighting him, and took everything Grimmjow dished him with a hunger that surprised both of them.
He had thought, after the first few times, that he'd grow tired of Kurosaki. He'd been wrong.
Surprisingly enough, every time he had Kurosaki under him he wanted more, the thirst increasing instead of being quenched.
And that last time, when Kurosaki had turned against him and looked at Grimmjow with hatred and distaste had really irked him. It had been the last time he had seen Kurosaki as he remembered him, all fire and passion and life.
He had been forced to leave then, the approach of the shinigami as timely as it always was.
The next time he had seen him, Kurosaki had changed. He didn't see Grimmjow, didn't heard him, and his eyes were vacant and haunted. He had been close to killing him right then and there, killing that empty shell trying to replace Kurosaki Ichigo. He had managed to control himself in the nick of time, but had lost Kurosaki's trail right after he had been discharged from the hospital.
Now he had found him again, and this time he was going to get his toy back whatever the cost.
…
Patient: Kurosaki Ichigo, continued.
Kurosaki Ichigo was admitted into ER with injuries and lacerations of diverse severity on his body. He was conscious but unable to give a reasonable explanation for them. He insists on them not being self-inflicted. Due to the severity of some of the wounds the doctor who treated him suspects he might have been involved in a fight, which the patient denies. He claims being attacked by an unseen person.
It seems his violent tendencies are returning, in conjunction with his delusions, we advise admitting him into an institution for further treatment.
Treatment: The second hypnotherapy session failed to remove the block on the patient's memories, but two facts stand clear from that session.
First, there seems to be transference of guilt to a subject in his dreams. His dreams seem to indicate possible sexual identity problems. Patient admits to have a relationship with a man in his dreams, though he doesn’t seem perturbed by the gender of his partner. He does treat him like and enemy, though, which might indicate he hasn't accepted his own homosexuality at a subconscious level.
Most disturbing is, though, the mentions of the other one. The mention of this other person, who apparently speaks inside the head of the patient, made Kurosaki close up and refuse to give more information. He responded with fear and anger to repeated attempts to bring up the subject. This other person might be the same one in his dreams and fantasies, but for what I gather from his dream it could be a completely different person. More information in this is needed before a diagnosis can be made, but this fact coupled with Kurosaki's delusions of seeing ghosts even before the amnesia, points at the possibility of Schizophrenia.
…
Ichigo sat in the hideous pastel room again, staring out of the window and counting the minutes for the session to be over.
He'd been going there to have those chats with the shrink twice a day, as it had been requested, and the only thing that had changed since the first time was that Ichigo felt his patience wearing thinner with each session.
They were not helping. They couldn't help.
He was more convinced than ever that he wasn't insane, that his dreams were the real memories. It didn't matter what the doctor said, he knew what he had felt and it had felt real.
"I want you tell me about your dreams again Kurosaki-san," the doctor said breaking the silence, apparently convinced that Ichigo wasn't going to speak without prompting.
Ichigo turned to look at him curiously. "I though those dreams were interfering with my treatment and I wasn't supposed to think or talk about them," he said, his tone flat and controlled.
The doctor nodded. "You're right, and that's the reason I want to hear about them."
Ichigo blinked, not saying anything, and the doctor sighed.
"Kurosaki-san, we both know you're smart. I told you three days ago that if you continued having those dreams I'd start your medication to try to repress them," Ichigo nodded, acknowledging the doctor's words. "You're still having them, only now you won't talk about them. This is not helping either."
"How do you know?" Ichigo asked, defensively. He realized his mistake immediately and cursed inwardly. The doctor smiled.
"One of the orderlies heard you last night. Sometimes you talk in your sleep, and apparently last night you were very loud."
Ichigo felt his face heating up at what the doctor was implying. He remembered the previous night's dream. He had dreamt about Grimmjow.
"I find it curious," the doctor continued as if Ichigo's silence was an admission of guilt. He guessed it was, in a way. "That you talk about the shinigami freely, and also about the arrancar and the war. But there is something you never mention about your dreams."
Shit! He knew what was coming.
"Or should I say someone." The doctor looked at Ichigo straight in the eye, holding his gaze. "Tell me about the Espada."
There was no way to get out of that one, but luckily the doctor had not phrased it properly. Ichigo could talk about the Espada; he had no problem talking about them as long as he kept it vague and general.
"In my dreams," he began, making sure the doctor noticed it. He wasn't going to make the same mistake again, he wasn't about to insist in them being real. "The Espada are the strongest Arrancar, Aizen's generals in the war. They are powerful and bloodthirsty, and very difficult to kill."
The doctor wasn't fooled, though. "I have here the transcript from one of your hypnotherapy sessions. You talk about Espada, but it seems you're referring to only one of them."
"Do I?"
The doctor sighed. "Kurosaki-san, I'm not stupid and I know you're not either. Don't try to confuse me with this. Tell me about this particular Espada."
Ichigo clenched his jaw, annoyed. The doctor wanted to hear about Grimmjow, well, he was going to hear about Grimmjow. If the orderly had reported Ichigo's dream to the doctor there wasn't much to hide anyway.
"In my dream Grimmjow is the Sexta Espada. The sixth strongest fighter and a fucking psychopath. He's always out for blood, my blood."
"That's not all he is, right Kurosaki-san?"
"No, that's not all," he said looking at the doctor and willing his body not to betray any embarrassment about what is coming. "It starts that way, but soon we realize it's more than that. We try to kill each other, and then we save each other's lives. It doesn't make sense to anyone else, but if someone is going to kill the fucker it better be me. I know he feels the same."
"That's very possessive, isn't it?"
"Yes, but we're in the middle of a war, we don't care about what the rest thinks. It works for us."
"You don't stay as enemies for long, do you?" The doctor prompted as soon as Ichigo fell silent.
"We are enemies, we will always be enemies. He's an Espada, I'm a Shinigami. What can we be if not that?"
The doctor held his gaze, one of his hands tapping gently the papers on top of his desk where Ichigo's file was. "Lovers, for what I can see."
"Yes, that too," Ichigo said finally averting his eyes.
"Is that right, then?" the doctor said, sounding surprised for the first time.
Ichigo looked at his again. "Yes. It shouldn't have happened, but I suppose it's unavoidable. We're unable to stay away from each other; we should have seen it coming sooner."
"For what you say, Grimmjow is a man."
"He's not human, he's not even alive. But yes, he's male."
The doctor looked at him, his eyes narrowing slightly. "And you're comfortable with it?"
"Yes."
"Are you homosexual?" The doctor asked bluntly, finally bringing up the point he seemed to have been fixated on. Ichigo was ready for it.
He allowed a small smile to curve his lips. "I don't think I am. This is not real, just a dream, remember?"
The doctor returned his smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You're right, Kurosaki-san. We're finished for today. I'll see you in the morning."
Ichigo left, feeling like he had scored a small victory.
It lasted exactly until the moment they brought him dinner. Next to his food was a small plastic container with some pills.
…
Part III