-_-
Existing is such a strange thing that I sometimes wonder how people--including myself--are able to will themselves to accomplish anything while knowing so little. Really, what does it mean to live and to have a consciousness? I'd put down something pretentious and "creative" if the question were an item on a survey, but when I have only myself to answer to, it's a bit easier to admit I don't know. I don't know why I'm here or what I want from being here. And while that can relegate everyday worries and concerns to an almost laughably relieving position, the inherent weight of knowing one has nothing to cling to can bear down upon a person.
I live a life of anticipation. I hope this person likes me, and I hope that person doesn't get angry. I hope school goes well next semester. I hope work will go as smoothly as possible tomorrow, and I additionally hope that this labor-intensive summer will somehow be worth all the sacrifices.
Where can it possibly get me? I'm quite confident that there are many people who get by just fine where they are. Think about how many beautiful thoughts and pictures are contained in your mind or go for a walk and look at everything around you: this is what one could call "now." It's all around us, always. Every moment is a moment doggedly loyal: regardless of how many wasted moments have been lived just waiting for that one moment to come, we all have the opportunity right now to decide that this moment is the most important. And the present will never cease to offer that open invitation, not even with all the evidence the past may have stacked against it.
And to be fair, no enticing characteristic in particular makes the now so important: it has an ever-changing face and makes no promises. It has but one pull: it is the only reality that will ever exist. All the hope in the world cannot make the present something it is not; but then, which is mistaken--the present or the hope?
It makes sense when you imagine, say, a person completely at peace with himself. Just anyone you can think of who seems to possess a thorough level of tranquillity. Now dump on him all your burdens: that research paper you have due tomorrow, the parking ticket you got last week, dating problems, an imperfect appearance, etc. What would be his response? It's comforting to think of that situation and to know, on some level, that it cannot be the situation that disturbs the man.
It reminds me of an existentialist quote: "There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn." It's not a perfect fit--existentialism, to me, seems more rigid and conscious than just choosing to live--but it gets the point across.
In any case, I just got to thinking about all that because I'm feeling very unsettled. I'm anxious about MSU: it'll be a big change. I keep trying to reassure myself that I chose it for a reason, but sometimes I just wish I could stay in my comfort zone. Social situations and living on my own and having doubts? These are scary things. I'm working so much this summer, and once I doubt--or consider doubting--decisions for which sacrifices are being made, nothing has a foundation. I have nothing left to stand on.
I have too much invested in the school at this point to turn back, but I have to admit that I miss the comfort of Oakland University. I question sometimes whether I'm missing the comfort because it was there or because MSU is new and Oakland, something from my past, is portrayed this way out of convenience. What can I say? I get used to things and form attachments to them.
I know there's value and beauty to be found even in the most painful situation, but I am a human, set in my ways and struggling to find a shortcut to fulfillment. It's more than a little ironic, I think, that fulfillment is literally right here in front of me, but grabbing it is the hardest thing in the world.
I live a life of anticipation. I hope this person likes me, and I hope that person doesn't get angry. I hope school goes well next semester. I hope work will go as smoothly as possible tomorrow, and I additionally hope that this labor-intensive summer will somehow be worth all the sacrifices.
Where can it possibly get me? I'm quite confident that there are many people who get by just fine where they are. Think about how many beautiful thoughts and pictures are contained in your mind or go for a walk and look at everything around you: this is what one could call "now." It's all around us, always. Every moment is a moment doggedly loyal: regardless of how many wasted moments have been lived just waiting for that one moment to come, we all have the opportunity right now to decide that this moment is the most important. And the present will never cease to offer that open invitation, not even with all the evidence the past may have stacked against it.
And to be fair, no enticing characteristic in particular makes the now so important: it has an ever-changing face and makes no promises. It has but one pull: it is the only reality that will ever exist. All the hope in the world cannot make the present something it is not; but then, which is mistaken--the present or the hope?
It makes sense when you imagine, say, a person completely at peace with himself. Just anyone you can think of who seems to possess a thorough level of tranquillity. Now dump on him all your burdens: that research paper you have due tomorrow, the parking ticket you got last week, dating problems, an imperfect appearance, etc. What would be his response? It's comforting to think of that situation and to know, on some level, that it cannot be the situation that disturbs the man.
It reminds me of an existentialist quote: "There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn." It's not a perfect fit--existentialism, to me, seems more rigid and conscious than just choosing to live--but it gets the point across.
In any case, I just got to thinking about all that because I'm feeling very unsettled. I'm anxious about MSU: it'll be a big change. I keep trying to reassure myself that I chose it for a reason, but sometimes I just wish I could stay in my comfort zone. Social situations and living on my own and having doubts? These are scary things. I'm working so much this summer, and once I doubt--or consider doubting--decisions for which sacrifices are being made, nothing has a foundation. I have nothing left to stand on.
I have too much invested in the school at this point to turn back, but I have to admit that I miss the comfort of Oakland University. I question sometimes whether I'm missing the comfort because it was there or because MSU is new and Oakland, something from my past, is portrayed this way out of convenience. What can I say? I get used to things and form attachments to them.
I know there's value and beauty to be found even in the most painful situation, but I am a human, set in my ways and struggling to find a shortcut to fulfillment. It's more than a little ironic, I think, that fulfillment is literally right here in front of me, but grabbing it is the hardest thing in the world.