i'm completely incomplete.
today has been such a weird day. i've been carrying around this akward feeling. i'm not even sure why, really. but its the kind where you've got that tight feeling in your chest, where you're not really sure if something good or bad is going to happen, but you just sense that SOMETHING's happening.
i've been thinking about life in austin ALL DAY LONG. some guy in my chemistry class was talking about girls that "grow up faster than they should." it kind of made me sad, because i know that i'm one of those girls. i may regret some of the things that have happened in my past, but i'm definitely not asking for sympathy for them, because i know that everything was my decision, and i put myself in those situations. no one else. although its depressing to think that i gave my youth away so fast, i'm glad for the bad experiences **as crazy as that may sound** but i know that they've helped me to become who i am today. [that line is definitely overused. lol] i'm definitely a lot more tolerable of the things that go on around me now because of the things i've had to deal with though.
my brother and i talked last night, and he told me that he was proud of me. i've never really had many people tell me that before, and coming from him especially, it made me really happy. i cried. sometimes i think of all the shit i've done, and wonder how on earth it is that i'm STILL HERE. i don't really know many people that can say they've seen or gone through what i've gone through in the last three years and are still sane. try dealing with losing nine of your CLOSE friends [and both of your grandfathers & cousin], overcoming addiction, having your family fall apart, being kicked out of your "father's" house, soaking in more truth than you can handle, and having the only two people who know EVERYTHING about you leave you. yeah, it's a constant feeling of having your heart ripped out of your chest. sometimes i think it's why i'm able to forgive people so easily now--because i've been burned so many times already that i'm numb when it comes to feeling pain.
looking around at everyone else who was there to go through it with me thoe--i'm so thankful. i came so close to ending it so many times, and now that i see what i have, i'm so glad i didn't. everyone else ruined their life because of the things we were doing, and i'm glad that i'm still on track. even more, that i'm still in school and have the chance to make something out of my life. if i look at the girls i hung out with--shawna has a husband and a baby and she's only nineteen. tabitha's living by herself out in california trying to support a baby. meg's always to fucked up to even take care of herself--she's in houston somewhere, no one's talked to or even heard from her in about a year. god only knows if she's even still alive. celeste killed herself over a guy who didn't want her. i could keep going--but there really is no point in it. all i have to say is that i'm lucky to have the life i do, and i'm even luckier to have the people in it.
i have to admit that it wasn't all as bad as i make it out to be. i have some of the most incredible memories with those girls, and i wouldn't trade them for the world. despite the fact that the things that brought us together are what eventually ripped us apart, we all really cared about one another. the summer before my sophomore year was the best summer EVER. it was the summer after their graduation, and the last few months that we all spent together before their freedom--and thats exactly what we were. free. we had so much fun, and learned so much about one another, not to mention ourselves.
i turn seventeen in a month. the same age that a lot of them were when it all started. i'm happie that they were all there for me, and let me live down their experiences with them. i know that when my summer of freedom after graduation rolls around, that i have already lived through everything there is "live up to" as a teenager. they let me live through their experiences, and learn from their mistakes so that i won't have to make my own, and jeopardize any of the things that i have now. friendships, love, and especially family.
the relationships we share between the six of us now isn't something easily defined. i wouldn't exactly call it much of a friendship after all that we have gone through and put up with, but i don't think you can ever forget or lose feeling of people that you once cared for as much as i cared about them. we're all in very different places in our lives right now, and most of us don't even talk anymore. but if i could go back and relive everything that happened that summer, i wouldn't change a thing. and i definitely wouldn't want to have anyone else by my side except for the six of them.
♥ sandra
**wow. i'd definitely have to say that was a pretty random entry. i talked to tabitha for the first time in months last nite thoe, and ever since, i've had such a weird feeling about things, and i haven't been able to get that summer off of my mind. and besides, its MY journal, and i can ramble about pointless things and be emotional all i want.
i've been thinking about life in austin ALL DAY LONG. some guy in my chemistry class was talking about girls that "grow up faster than they should." it kind of made me sad, because i know that i'm one of those girls. i may regret some of the things that have happened in my past, but i'm definitely not asking for sympathy for them, because i know that everything was my decision, and i put myself in those situations. no one else. although its depressing to think that i gave my youth away so fast, i'm glad for the bad experiences **as crazy as that may sound** but i know that they've helped me to become who i am today. [that line is definitely overused. lol] i'm definitely a lot more tolerable of the things that go on around me now because of the things i've had to deal with though.
my brother and i talked last night, and he told me that he was proud of me. i've never really had many people tell me that before, and coming from him especially, it made me really happy. i cried. sometimes i think of all the shit i've done, and wonder how on earth it is that i'm STILL HERE. i don't really know many people that can say they've seen or gone through what i've gone through in the last three years and are still sane. try dealing with losing nine of your CLOSE friends [and both of your grandfathers & cousin], overcoming addiction, having your family fall apart, being kicked out of your "father's" house, soaking in more truth than you can handle, and having the only two people who know EVERYTHING about you leave you. yeah, it's a constant feeling of having your heart ripped out of your chest. sometimes i think it's why i'm able to forgive people so easily now--because i've been burned so many times already that i'm numb when it comes to feeling pain.
looking around at everyone else who was there to go through it with me thoe--i'm so thankful. i came so close to ending it so many times, and now that i see what i have, i'm so glad i didn't. everyone else ruined their life because of the things we were doing, and i'm glad that i'm still on track. even more, that i'm still in school and have the chance to make something out of my life. if i look at the girls i hung out with--shawna has a husband and a baby and she's only nineteen. tabitha's living by herself out in california trying to support a baby. meg's always to fucked up to even take care of herself--she's in houston somewhere, no one's talked to or even heard from her in about a year. god only knows if she's even still alive. celeste killed herself over a guy who didn't want her. i could keep going--but there really is no point in it. all i have to say is that i'm lucky to have the life i do, and i'm even luckier to have the people in it.
i have to admit that it wasn't all as bad as i make it out to be. i have some of the most incredible memories with those girls, and i wouldn't trade them for the world. despite the fact that the things that brought us together are what eventually ripped us apart, we all really cared about one another. the summer before my sophomore year was the best summer EVER. it was the summer after their graduation, and the last few months that we all spent together before their freedom--and thats exactly what we were. free. we had so much fun, and learned so much about one another, not to mention ourselves.
i turn seventeen in a month. the same age that a lot of them were when it all started. i'm happie that they were all there for me, and let me live down their experiences with them. i know that when my summer of freedom after graduation rolls around, that i have already lived through everything there is "live up to" as a teenager. they let me live through their experiences, and learn from their mistakes so that i won't have to make my own, and jeopardize any of the things that i have now. friendships, love, and especially family.
the relationships we share between the six of us now isn't something easily defined. i wouldn't exactly call it much of a friendship after all that we have gone through and put up with, but i don't think you can ever forget or lose feeling of people that you once cared for as much as i cared about them. we're all in very different places in our lives right now, and most of us don't even talk anymore. but if i could go back and relive everything that happened that summer, i wouldn't change a thing. and i definitely wouldn't want to have anyone else by my side except for the six of them.
♥ sandra
**wow. i'd definitely have to say that was a pretty random entry. i talked to tabitha for the first time in months last nite thoe, and ever since, i've had such a weird feeling about things, and i haven't been able to get that summer off of my mind. and besides, its MY journal, and i can ramble about pointless things and be emotional all i want.