showdown of self-discovery
On Saturday I wasn't the possibility of joyful expression and playfulness that I said I would be--instead I was miserableness. I didn't ask people to dance. I was awkward and cold with people who were nice to me. I avoided my friends. If I can't be happy I can at least be comfortable and peaceful when I'm alone. I wanted to be alone.
But I've done that before. At both Swing and Soul and KLX 2007 I made myself comfortable by escaping, and I told myself that it was a good thing. And yet here I was again wishing I had done differently; running away obviously wasn't working. I was determined to have a breakthrough by the end of Showdown. I absolutely did not want another event to go by where I would later have to convince myself that I had enjoyed it.
I wasn't sure where to start because I thought I needed to somehow make myself more extroverted. I considered forcing myself to dance every single song, but I already felt far too isolated to do that. So instead I started with my integrity. I knew there were three things I still needed to do at Showdown or I would regret them: I needed to pass on Jasmine's message (since I had promised to), make amends to Adam for always telling him I want to talk with him and never taking the time to talk to him (since I really do respect him and am interested in his life), and ask Carolyn to dance again (since I see her at lots of events and I always wish I had danced with her more and had come up with something interesting to say to her).
Doing even just three things seemed impossible to me, but it was helpful to focus on them because I could at least ignore all the pressure of having to ask people to dance and do cool moves and have coherent conversations. I came up with a loose plan of how I could work up the courage to tackle the three tasks... and then I decided I wasn't quite ready to take action, so I went upstairs to hide, and where I could watch all the popular dancers enjoy themselves and feel sorry for myself.
Fortuitously, comparing myself to other dancers that I envied was exactly what I needed, and I had my breakthrough: I am not supposed to be like other dancers; I am supposed to be like myself. I've heard and even agreed with that many times before, but at that moment I finally understood it. Even though as a dancer I've tried to develop my own style, I've still been developing my dancing under a framework that is not my own. I've constantly faulted myself for not dancing with enough people, for not making follows laugh, for not entering contests, for not asking for people's contact info, for not getting people to say hi to me and hug me when they see me at an event, and for not socializing better. While I've rejected the notion that there's a correct way to be a good dancer, I've been blindly believing that there is a correct way to enjoy dancing, and I've lived under the assumption that I need to enjoy dancing in the same way that other people enjoy it.
And with that realization, I could forgive myself for not being an award-winning dancer and for not being a popular dancer and for not being an inspiration to dancers everywhere. I could just be myself and be comfortable with that. I could see again what I love about lindy hop: I love the variety of the music and the dancers interacting, and I love the sharing. And I love the awesome people that I've run across in the dance scene. Those are the things I should be putting my energy into instead of subconsciously trying to be more like Adam Boehmer or Dave Madison or Jamie Cameron or Skye. I need to value my own values again.
So... funny story: as soon as I was conscious again of why I liked dancing and why I valued the people in my dance life, it was easy to complete the three impossible tasks. In fact, I completed several additional impossible tasks without even trying to.
So from now on I intend to ask myself as often as possible, "do I love what I am doing?" And if I don't, then I'm going to stop, remember what I do love, and and start doing it. And I'm going to love every lindy hop event that I go to from Showdown onward.
P.S. I'm curious if anyone enjoyed reading this of if this was just for my own benefit.
But I've done that before. At both Swing and Soul and KLX 2007 I made myself comfortable by escaping, and I told myself that it was a good thing. And yet here I was again wishing I had done differently; running away obviously wasn't working. I was determined to have a breakthrough by the end of Showdown. I absolutely did not want another event to go by where I would later have to convince myself that I had enjoyed it.
I wasn't sure where to start because I thought I needed to somehow make myself more extroverted. I considered forcing myself to dance every single song, but I already felt far too isolated to do that. So instead I started with my integrity. I knew there were three things I still needed to do at Showdown or I would regret them: I needed to pass on Jasmine's message (since I had promised to), make amends to Adam for always telling him I want to talk with him and never taking the time to talk to him (since I really do respect him and am interested in his life), and ask Carolyn to dance again (since I see her at lots of events and I always wish I had danced with her more and had come up with something interesting to say to her).
Doing even just three things seemed impossible to me, but it was helpful to focus on them because I could at least ignore all the pressure of having to ask people to dance and do cool moves and have coherent conversations. I came up with a loose plan of how I could work up the courage to tackle the three tasks... and then I decided I wasn't quite ready to take action, so I went upstairs to hide, and where I could watch all the popular dancers enjoy themselves and feel sorry for myself.
Fortuitously, comparing myself to other dancers that I envied was exactly what I needed, and I had my breakthrough: I am not supposed to be like other dancers; I am supposed to be like myself. I've heard and even agreed with that many times before, but at that moment I finally understood it. Even though as a dancer I've tried to develop my own style, I've still been developing my dancing under a framework that is not my own. I've constantly faulted myself for not dancing with enough people, for not making follows laugh, for not entering contests, for not asking for people's contact info, for not getting people to say hi to me and hug me when they see me at an event, and for not socializing better. While I've rejected the notion that there's a correct way to be a good dancer, I've been blindly believing that there is a correct way to enjoy dancing, and I've lived under the assumption that I need to enjoy dancing in the same way that other people enjoy it.
And with that realization, I could forgive myself for not being an award-winning dancer and for not being a popular dancer and for not being an inspiration to dancers everywhere. I could just be myself and be comfortable with that. I could see again what I love about lindy hop: I love the variety of the music and the dancers interacting, and I love the sharing. And I love the awesome people that I've run across in the dance scene. Those are the things I should be putting my energy into instead of subconsciously trying to be more like Adam Boehmer or Dave Madison or Jamie Cameron or Skye. I need to value my own values again.
So... funny story: as soon as I was conscious again of why I liked dancing and why I valued the people in my dance life, it was easy to complete the three impossible tasks. In fact, I completed several additional impossible tasks without even trying to.
So from now on I intend to ask myself as often as possible, "do I love what I am doing?" And if I don't, then I'm going to stop, remember what I do love, and and start doing it. And I'm going to love every lindy hop event that I go to from Showdown onward.
P.S. I'm curious if anyone enjoyed reading this of if this was just for my own benefit.