if this is a pity party, someone better bring the ice cream
No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard.- Since my beloved mmb2 quoted Sheryl Crow in her last entry, I couldn't help but follow suit.
It's my first autumn north of the Mason-Dixon line. Eight degrees above freezing today. I have two coats, a pair of gloves, and a pink scarf that my Melanie made me. I keep thinking of the deal I made with Gd when I got here. I wanted a challenge, I wanted to remember how I felt at the beginning of Greensboro when I was fiery and ambitious...but I don't know if I wanted this. I didn't expect everything to be handed to me and to work out perfectly, but I didn't want to be poor and frustrated either. It would be nice to have enough money to go to a movie you can't see anywhere else in America except maybe Los Angeles (and I do not like Los Angeles) or buy Chase some organic Mexican food or get From a Basement on a Hill. For the moment, I'm alive. I have to keep remembering that. I am alive and Elliott Smith is not and later I will save up money and buy his album and email zipperblues about it to tell her that her writing lately has made me feel lifted. But not yet.
I am getting a free haircut; I am going to the opera; I have a part time job; I know where to get really good $2 falafel at three in the morning. I like the chilly air that smells clean like peppermint. I love my internship and wish they could afford to pay me, or themselves. No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard. No one said it would get to the point where my friends offer to lend (loan? despite my love of grammar this one always gets me) money. Yes I will make it to New Year's yes I will make it to March when my sister comes to visit yes I will yes. Thank you Molly Bloom.
Tonight at work we watched the sun set over the Hudson. Yes, I knew that water would come into my life again. Soon it will freeze for the winter but I will live and I will be warm and I will make it here.