Relationships become very complicated very quickly, don't they?
The last time I posted in here, I had just been dumped. But since then I have met a really nice guy, and I am starting to develop some serious feelings for him. We've been dating for about three months now, and I really like what he offers. I would like to move to serious dating with him, and I have told him that. The great thing is that his
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That is a giant can of worms right there. Since he hasn't said anything to his partner about you, it means he is still committed to this path, whether or not it is good for him in the long run.
You'll notice I haven't referred to the guy as a former partner, because from what you've said, he isn't. They're simply a couple not having sex due to distance. I hate to tell you this, but at the moment, you are "the other man" in what is essentially a temporarily open relationship.
As I see it, you have three options.
1) Guard your heart, and just enjoy what is essentially a time-limited sex between really good friends arrangement. Continue to look for other people who are worthy of your love.
2) Actively try to win him for yourself, but be prepared to face the same hurdles you would trying to get anyone else out of an open relationship.
3) See if all parties are willing to explore the possibility of a poly relationship. I've met quite a few poly people, and for the most part they seem to have similar levels of happiness to their monogamous counterparts.
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Well they were together for four years. So there's something there. At the time (and until me) my bf's assumption was that since he works night shift in his job (usually like 10pm to 6am) with odd weekly blocks of days (like his "Monday" might be on a Thursday), he was unlikely to meet someone who would put up with that.
Thanks for the advice, though #1 is unfeasable to do our strong chemistry and emotional connections at this point; I respect boundaries too much to attempt #2 (it has to be his decision and his alone); and while I have nothing against poly relationships, I don't think its for me.
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They need to.
When it comes to polyamory … real polyamory, not covering-up-being-an-asshole-by-calling-it-polyamory … all parties have to maintain "nonstandard" relationships with each other. Ferinstance, if Ed is in love with Jude and Alan, he loves Jude for who Jude is, not because he's not Alan. And Jude and Alan will have a form of relationship with each other, not merely, "through Ed," but because of who they each are as people - and it won't look like what we're used to when we hear the word, "relationship."
(Lotta extra maintenance there, far more than what's required for a 2-person relationship. That's why polyamory isn't very common, not because it's, "immoral," but because it's too much effort.)
So your beau needs to have a long, honest talk with his partner. Mainly, about what makes their relationship. That, by definition, has nothing to do with you. You're not involved, nor should you be.
Your responsibility is realizing that you're not the primary. You're not, "the other woman," not in true polyamory. You're not, "lesser than." You just weren't there first. You have to respect that.
Will this guy who (for you) is your boyfriend break things off? Maybe. Maybe not. Will you be at odds with his partner? Possibly not, once any jealousy is put aside. You and he may have overlap, have qualities in common. You are, after all, both compatible with the same man, so there has to be some commonality.
The question that you need to ask, however: Do you want this man, or do you want a boyfriend? There is a difference. And you need to take a good long look at that.
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Your responsibility is realizing that you're not the primary. You're not, "the other woman," not in true polyamory. You're not, "lesser than." You just weren't there first. You have to respect that.
That hard, especially knowing that the bf and I have amazing chemistry, I rock his world in bed (apparently unlike his former partner when they would have sex), and it feels so right with him.
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The thing is, jealousy and insecurity … and the latter is the source of the former … are things that one should work on overcoming anyway. Learning to accept who you are, for both your flaws and your good qualities, is very important mental hygiene.
I do agree that good sexual chemistry is very agreeable. ^_^ What about the rest? We all have flaws. You do. He does. Can you live with his flaws? Can he deal with yours? Because that is a major cornerstone of any long-term relationship. My partner and I had to do that, and we've been together for 17.5 years now. And we've had to work on our sex life.
But none of this addresses the elephant in the room: he already has a partner, one who he is not living with. If he readily drops his partner for you, what does that say about how serious he considers any relationship. If not, what if he's torn between you and his partner? Do you want to compound his suffering? Then there's possibility #3: his partner comes first, in which case, you're setting yourself up for hurt.
So, if you want advice: (1) Understand that he's not a boyfriend, or at least not a serious one. Nevertheless, enjoy this relationship for what it is, while it lasts. (2) Don't interfere with his situation with his partner. What will happen, will happen. (3) Work on your insecurities. It's worthwhile anyhow. Don't beat yourself up about your flaws, accept them and think about which ones you can live with, and how you can change the others. Also accept your talents, your positive features, your strengths. (That's not arrogance, BTW. That's realism. Arrogance is lording your strengths over others.) Acknowledging your strengths will make you feel more secure about yourself.
That's my $.02, for what it's worth. ;)
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I'll be the first to admit that the bf doesn't exactly fit the profile of the type of guy I was expecting to date, but once I realized I had chemistry with him I said, "Maybe degree and all of that doesn't matter as much as I thought it did..." We each have other things we are looking to compromise and work around to make things flow as smoothly as possible. He votes left, I don't. I want to ultimately start a family with the right guy, he doesn't. I'm brilliant with numbers, he's brilliant with creative stuff. He works at night, I work during the day. We have differences, but we meet in the middle, or at least we try to, and it works out.
As for #3 down there, I'm still working on that. I left a prior LT relationship with a lack of confidence in my dating abilities and all of that (yet I had no lack of confidence in my professional success). I'm doing better at loving myself and recognizing that I deserve a loving, available partner who loves me for me. Its just that I've had a few bad experiences where I wasn't enough though, and I guess that's where that is coming form: that who I naturally am won't be enough to win him (or many other men) over.
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