Peace is for the Weak
Title: Peace is for the Weak
Series: World War May
Author:
Pairing: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Rating: PG
Warnings: depression, anxiety, one sided, hurt/comfort
Summary: Takes place right after the episode A Magical Place after the scene in the car with Dr. Streiten's car.
May caught Phil walking down the block away from the Doctor Streiten’s car with his hands jammed in his pockets and his eyes totally glazed over. “Come with me.” Phil looked up, mouth opening to argue but closed it the moment May's hand touched his arm. She could feel the agony on him, in the tension of his muscles, in the tightness of his jaw. May led Phil to the SUV she’d parked around the block, ushering him into the passenger side.
“You followed me.”
“I followed you.” May put the SUV in drive and headed off in the direction of a place she knew a few miles away.
“Melinda, he….” Her eyes darted over to him and he stopped and went quiet again. Phil was struggling just to keep himself from screaming. She could see it in his eyes. May sped up and kept at it until they arrived at an out of the way motel.
“Stay here.” She took the keys just in case and went into the lobby to check them in. No way was she going to let him go back to the bus after tonight. May knew what she was here for, and she worried that Phil was starting to decompensate. Whatever Steilten had told him had clearly shaken him. Well, that and the brain probing, but May didn’t want to think about that. That was horrifying and something that was a huge personal fear. She’d frozen when she saw him in that contraption. It was for just a second, but May thought her heart had actually seized up in her chest when she saw Phil laid out in Rana’s machine.
It was a matter of four minutes, thirty seconds until she was back at the SUV, so she could pull it around the side of the hotel and bring Phil in and then up to their room. “Thank you.” May just nodded and threw the deadbolt behind them.
“You hungry?” Phil glanced back over his shoulder, and that hurt little boy looked May right in the eyes.
“Yeah, order whatever. You know me.” He slid past her toward the bathroom, unbuttoning his jacket as he went. “I’m going to shower.” He was glad she was there, that much was obvious, but May knew he’d need a little time. His eyes weren’t screaming anymore. Mostly he just looked terribly sad. May stood back and watched him take his tie and shirt off, hanging them both up. Pants came next and she couldn’t help the smile when she saw he was wearing his Captain America boxers.
“I’m going to get us something to drink. Any requests?” May pushed up off the wall. A shower was good. A shower meant he’d be contained. May had eyes on the room in the way of device propped up on top of the TV with an app running that send video feed to her phone. If Phil tried to leave, she’d know about it.
“Something sweet and a bottle of Jack Daniels.” Phil’s voice had the paper-thin quality that screamed for many, many alcoholic beverages to even make breathing worthwhile. May knew the feeling and nodded as she went for the door.
“Don’t leave, ok?” She got his word from him before she left for the gas station down the block. Seven minutes and forty-five seconds later, she was sliding the key card in the door. The sounds of the shower reassured her that Phil was still there, not to mention that there hadn’t been any blips on the video. Phil was a spy, though, so she didn’t trust anything 100% if she hadn’t seen it with her own two eyes. And sometimes not even then. The shower had been a controlled moment of solitude for Phil. He knew she was coming back for him, but he could have a little time to begin the process of understanding the crazy story he’d just been told, not to mention beginning to think of its implications for him. When Phil hurt, he hurt deep and May could hear the muffled cough that told her he was crying. For some reason Phil always coughed a little when he cried. She couldn’t do anything for him, so she just got the drinks ready and tucked away her video feed device.
When he came out, his eyes were red and neither of them said anything. May handed him a glass of Jack on ice with a splash of Coke. Phil sat on the edge of the bed in a towel, and sipped at it for a few minutes before he said anything. “I was dead for days. Not seconds or hours… days, May” Phil was too involved in his own feelings to look at her and May was glad she hadn’t had to lie with him with her eyes. “They… “ He felt along his hairline and she knew exactly what he was looking for. He wanted to know if there was a physical sign that his skull had been cracked open and his brain had been played with. It might help him believe, but it would also destroy him. “They rebuilt my brain, what if they changed me?”
“I thought we’d been over this whole change thing already.” Melinda moved to sit down on the second bed. She’d had two fingers of Jack already, but had another two in her hand right now. “You’re sure this isn’t all a side effect of the machine? Maybe you’re just hearing what you need to from the doctor to support your hallucination.” It was a stretch, but it wasn’t as though May could tell him anything she knew. When she’d taken on this assignment, it had been to protect him. She knew lying would come with it, but it still hurt.
“No, the doctor confirmed what I saw. May, it was real.” Phil shook his head. He looked to her, tears in his eyes that remained unshed made them shine in the sterile light of the hotel room. “I could feel it. I knew what was happening. I begged them to stop. Steilten said I lost my will to live.” His fingers nervously rubbed over his scar, rustling the hair on either side. May watched out of the corner of her eye, giving Phil this side-by-side confessional set up instead of a face to face. It helped him to be open. “I begged them to let me die.” Phil’s voice cracked with emotion just as there was a knock on the door.
Melinda got up and paid for the Chinese at the door and gave Phil a moment to gather himself. She’d ordered strategically. One of Phil’s comfort foods was sweet and sour pork with that disgusting orange sauce with suspended green peppers and tomatoes in it. She’d gotten him a large with vegetable fried rice. She didn’t honestly know if he could eat right now, but it was always good to have at least one thing to fall back on sitting around when she was with Phil. Sometimes she needed a buffer to keep herself in check too.
“I’m real, right?” His voice was so small, so broken that May instantly felt her throat tighten and tears spring to her eyes. “This isn’t… they aren’t still in my brain?” His voice cracked and Melinda looked over at him. Phil looked terrified.
“You’re real. I’m real. This is all real.” May took the rest of her drink and headed to the dresser to set down her paper cup. “Whatever happened to you, even if this is all 100% true, you’re still Phil Coulson.” May came over, standing in front of him, her hand stroking his cheek. He had lines around his mouth and eyes, and May was proud to say she’d put some of them there. They’d had some really good times over the years. “We’ll figure it out. Whatever happened, we’ll get an answer for you.” May just had to have Fury come up with one that Phil wouldn’t pick at. She had a feeling, though, that there mightn’t be an explanation that Phil wouldn’t pick to shreds. If it were her, she’d do the same.
“I’m scared to know.” He looked like he was embarrassed to admit that, but May showed no judgement. Again, she’d have been the same. “Part of me, a big part, needs to know, but there’s this niggling little bit at the back of my head asking what really happened.” He reached out to take her hand, squeezing it. “I’m glad you came out of your cubicle for me, Melinda.” Her pulse sped and she saw it register in his eyes before she could pull her hand back. Phil was a damn good spy and he noticed little things. “I don’t think I could do it half as well without you there with me.”
He’d always been like this, overly sentimental with those he was close with and painfully stoic around those he hadn’t let in. Phil had a huge heart, and once he loved you there really was no going back for him. “I’ve always got your 6. You know that.” Melinda could hear the emotion in her own voice making it sound resonant though she’d whispered to him. Phil nodded, still not letting go of her hand.
“Sit down with me?” May knew what was coming and steeled herself. His arm moved around her shoulders and pulled her close. She could feel the glow of warmth from his shower-hot skin through her sleeve. Phil pulled her close so he could hold onto her. May was grateful that she wasn’t facing him so she could let her face relax. Melinda didn’t allow herself moments like this anymore, she didn’t want to allow vulnerability to sneak in. That was why all the physicality between them was one way. Phil compromised her.
May’s heartbeat was still fast and she focused on calming it before he commented. It didn’t work, but he also didn’t comment. Her palms burned right in the middle, aching to make contact with him but staying still as stones on her thighs. Phil’s fingertips on her jaw wasn’t a surprise. May took a deep breath because she needed to pull back. But then Phil tilted her head up a little and looked down at her with pleading eyes that screamed MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE.
Phil leaned in for a kiss, something she didn’t do anymore. Something he KNEW she didn’t do anymore. It hurt too much. “Please.” May was wrong, it wasn’t the kiss that hurt the most. The way he said that one tiny word was what really hurt She gave him a small nod and he closed the gap to brush their lips together. They’d had thank God I’m alive sex before, but this wasn’t that. She didn’t know what this was, but May knew that come tomorrow her chest would feel like it was caving in because she’d have to put an end to it again, and that she’d have to see that crushed little boy look again.
His mouth turned from soft, dry kisses to pulling her against him and kissing her hard. That pain May knew so intimately, the one that was a hard, deep ache pulsed in her guts. It hurt, but God help her, it also had that tinge of pleasure in it. Sure it was hell to say good-bye tomorrow, but there was a reason she stayed with Phil. May’s brain screamed at her to stop, that this would be something she’d regret because this moment of pleasure, this indulgence was going to gut her later. She didn’t push him off or tell him no, though. Instead she pulled her shirt off and climbed into his lap like a real idiot. Phil’s eyes still had a slightly hollow look to them. “Just this once.” Phil nodded and she caught him by the chin. “I mean it.” May had meant it before, but then one of them would almost get killed, they’d have sex, and she’d have to pull away from him again for her own sake.
The bastard caught her wrist, turning it up and tipping his head down to kiss her pulse. May’s eyes fluttered shut and she was a kid again. That brush of lips against wrist was how May had known she was in love with Phil in the first place. Phil had taken her out a time or two when they were in the academy, and May liked him well enough. One night they were out for a walk around the academy grounds and were holding hands. He had pulled her close and brought her wrist to his lips to kiss. May could remember how her knees had actually went a little bit. And he’d noticed. Phil knew in that moment and after that she was a goner. “Don’t do that.” Her voice was unconvincing even to her, but Phil released her wrist. It wasn’t a triumph. In fact, it made her feel like a real jackass, either that or like she’d been kicked by one.
Her brain screamed at her that danger was coming, pain and embarrassment. She pulled back and stood. “Maybe we should eat.” May knew she’d screwed up the moment Phil said that. He was comforting her. That was not what this was supposed to be. This was a moment for Phil to pull himself together, not for her to rehash old insecurities. Phil's voice was as hollow as his eyes were. “I shouldn’t have done that. I got caught up. It won’t happen again.”
May imagined that if you were listening close enough, that the sound of her heart shattering would have been quite clear. She didn’t have any choice but to go serve the food. Well, that and another shot of Jack Daniels for the two of them. It was going to be a long night and the only way either of them were going to get any sleep would be drunk. There was no way for Phil to unsee what he’d experienced in the machine or to unhear what Straiten told him. May knew how impossible it was because she’d seen it all. She saw the pictures of Phil with his skull cracked open, and she’d read the reports about catastrophic neurological damage he’d suffered . May knew what fresh hell Phil was just learning about for months now, but because of who she was, she could say nothing to him other than, “I got you sweet and sour pork.”
Series: World War May
Author:
Pairing: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Rating: PG
Warnings: depression, anxiety, one sided, hurt/comfort
Summary: Takes place right after the episode A Magical Place after the scene in the car with Dr. Streiten's car.
May caught Phil walking down the block away from the Doctor Streiten’s car with his hands jammed in his pockets and his eyes totally glazed over. “Come with me.” Phil looked up, mouth opening to argue but closed it the moment May's hand touched his arm. She could feel the agony on him, in the tension of his muscles, in the tightness of his jaw. May led Phil to the SUV she’d parked around the block, ushering him into the passenger side.
“You followed me.”
“I followed you.” May put the SUV in drive and headed off in the direction of a place she knew a few miles away.
“Melinda, he….” Her eyes darted over to him and he stopped and went quiet again. Phil was struggling just to keep himself from screaming. She could see it in his eyes. May sped up and kept at it until they arrived at an out of the way motel.
“Stay here.” She took the keys just in case and went into the lobby to check them in. No way was she going to let him go back to the bus after tonight. May knew what she was here for, and she worried that Phil was starting to decompensate. Whatever Steilten had told him had clearly shaken him. Well, that and the brain probing, but May didn’t want to think about that. That was horrifying and something that was a huge personal fear. She’d frozen when she saw him in that contraption. It was for just a second, but May thought her heart had actually seized up in her chest when she saw Phil laid out in Rana’s machine.
It was a matter of four minutes, thirty seconds until she was back at the SUV, so she could pull it around the side of the hotel and bring Phil in and then up to their room. “Thank you.” May just nodded and threw the deadbolt behind them.
“You hungry?” Phil glanced back over his shoulder, and that hurt little boy looked May right in the eyes.
“Yeah, order whatever. You know me.” He slid past her toward the bathroom, unbuttoning his jacket as he went. “I’m going to shower.” He was glad she was there, that much was obvious, but May knew he’d need a little time. His eyes weren’t screaming anymore. Mostly he just looked terribly sad. May stood back and watched him take his tie and shirt off, hanging them both up. Pants came next and she couldn’t help the smile when she saw he was wearing his Captain America boxers.
“I’m going to get us something to drink. Any requests?” May pushed up off the wall. A shower was good. A shower meant he’d be contained. May had eyes on the room in the way of device propped up on top of the TV with an app running that send video feed to her phone. If Phil tried to leave, she’d know about it.
“Something sweet and a bottle of Jack Daniels.” Phil’s voice had the paper-thin quality that screamed for many, many alcoholic beverages to even make breathing worthwhile. May knew the feeling and nodded as she went for the door.
“Don’t leave, ok?” She got his word from him before she left for the gas station down the block. Seven minutes and forty-five seconds later, she was sliding the key card in the door. The sounds of the shower reassured her that Phil was still there, not to mention that there hadn’t been any blips on the video. Phil was a spy, though, so she didn’t trust anything 100% if she hadn’t seen it with her own two eyes. And sometimes not even then. The shower had been a controlled moment of solitude for Phil. He knew she was coming back for him, but he could have a little time to begin the process of understanding the crazy story he’d just been told, not to mention beginning to think of its implications for him. When Phil hurt, he hurt deep and May could hear the muffled cough that told her he was crying. For some reason Phil always coughed a little when he cried. She couldn’t do anything for him, so she just got the drinks ready and tucked away her video feed device.
When he came out, his eyes were red and neither of them said anything. May handed him a glass of Jack on ice with a splash of Coke. Phil sat on the edge of the bed in a towel, and sipped at it for a few minutes before he said anything. “I was dead for days. Not seconds or hours… days, May” Phil was too involved in his own feelings to look at her and May was glad she hadn’t had to lie with him with her eyes. “They… “ He felt along his hairline and she knew exactly what he was looking for. He wanted to know if there was a physical sign that his skull had been cracked open and his brain had been played with. It might help him believe, but it would also destroy him. “They rebuilt my brain, what if they changed me?”
“I thought we’d been over this whole change thing already.” Melinda moved to sit down on the second bed. She’d had two fingers of Jack already, but had another two in her hand right now. “You’re sure this isn’t all a side effect of the machine? Maybe you’re just hearing what you need to from the doctor to support your hallucination.” It was a stretch, but it wasn’t as though May could tell him anything she knew. When she’d taken on this assignment, it had been to protect him. She knew lying would come with it, but it still hurt.
“No, the doctor confirmed what I saw. May, it was real.” Phil shook his head. He looked to her, tears in his eyes that remained unshed made them shine in the sterile light of the hotel room. “I could feel it. I knew what was happening. I begged them to stop. Steilten said I lost my will to live.” His fingers nervously rubbed over his scar, rustling the hair on either side. May watched out of the corner of her eye, giving Phil this side-by-side confessional set up instead of a face to face. It helped him to be open. “I begged them to let me die.” Phil’s voice cracked with emotion just as there was a knock on the door.
Melinda got up and paid for the Chinese at the door and gave Phil a moment to gather himself. She’d ordered strategically. One of Phil’s comfort foods was sweet and sour pork with that disgusting orange sauce with suspended green peppers and tomatoes in it. She’d gotten him a large with vegetable fried rice. She didn’t honestly know if he could eat right now, but it was always good to have at least one thing to fall back on sitting around when she was with Phil. Sometimes she needed a buffer to keep herself in check too.
“I’m real, right?” His voice was so small, so broken that May instantly felt her throat tighten and tears spring to her eyes. “This isn’t… they aren’t still in my brain?” His voice cracked and Melinda looked over at him. Phil looked terrified.
“You’re real. I’m real. This is all real.” May took the rest of her drink and headed to the dresser to set down her paper cup. “Whatever happened to you, even if this is all 100% true, you’re still Phil Coulson.” May came over, standing in front of him, her hand stroking his cheek. He had lines around his mouth and eyes, and May was proud to say she’d put some of them there. They’d had some really good times over the years. “We’ll figure it out. Whatever happened, we’ll get an answer for you.” May just had to have Fury come up with one that Phil wouldn’t pick at. She had a feeling, though, that there mightn’t be an explanation that Phil wouldn’t pick to shreds. If it were her, she’d do the same.
“I’m scared to know.” He looked like he was embarrassed to admit that, but May showed no judgement. Again, she’d have been the same. “Part of me, a big part, needs to know, but there’s this niggling little bit at the back of my head asking what really happened.” He reached out to take her hand, squeezing it. “I’m glad you came out of your cubicle for me, Melinda.” Her pulse sped and she saw it register in his eyes before she could pull her hand back. Phil was a damn good spy and he noticed little things. “I don’t think I could do it half as well without you there with me.”
He’d always been like this, overly sentimental with those he was close with and painfully stoic around those he hadn’t let in. Phil had a huge heart, and once he loved you there really was no going back for him. “I’ve always got your 6. You know that.” Melinda could hear the emotion in her own voice making it sound resonant though she’d whispered to him. Phil nodded, still not letting go of her hand.
“Sit down with me?” May knew what was coming and steeled herself. His arm moved around her shoulders and pulled her close. She could feel the glow of warmth from his shower-hot skin through her sleeve. Phil pulled her close so he could hold onto her. May was grateful that she wasn’t facing him so she could let her face relax. Melinda didn’t allow herself moments like this anymore, she didn’t want to allow vulnerability to sneak in. That was why all the physicality between them was one way. Phil compromised her.
May’s heartbeat was still fast and she focused on calming it before he commented. It didn’t work, but he also didn’t comment. Her palms burned right in the middle, aching to make contact with him but staying still as stones on her thighs. Phil’s fingertips on her jaw wasn’t a surprise. May took a deep breath because she needed to pull back. But then Phil tilted her head up a little and looked down at her with pleading eyes that screamed MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE.
Phil leaned in for a kiss, something she didn’t do anymore. Something he KNEW she didn’t do anymore. It hurt too much. “Please.” May was wrong, it wasn’t the kiss that hurt the most. The way he said that one tiny word was what really hurt She gave him a small nod and he closed the gap to brush their lips together. They’d had thank God I’m alive sex before, but this wasn’t that. She didn’t know what this was, but May knew that come tomorrow her chest would feel like it was caving in because she’d have to put an end to it again, and that she’d have to see that crushed little boy look again.
His mouth turned from soft, dry kisses to pulling her against him and kissing her hard. That pain May knew so intimately, the one that was a hard, deep ache pulsed in her guts. It hurt, but God help her, it also had that tinge of pleasure in it. Sure it was hell to say good-bye tomorrow, but there was a reason she stayed with Phil. May’s brain screamed at her to stop, that this would be something she’d regret because this moment of pleasure, this indulgence was going to gut her later. She didn’t push him off or tell him no, though. Instead she pulled her shirt off and climbed into his lap like a real idiot. Phil’s eyes still had a slightly hollow look to them. “Just this once.” Phil nodded and she caught him by the chin. “I mean it.” May had meant it before, but then one of them would almost get killed, they’d have sex, and she’d have to pull away from him again for her own sake.
The bastard caught her wrist, turning it up and tipping his head down to kiss her pulse. May’s eyes fluttered shut and she was a kid again. That brush of lips against wrist was how May had known she was in love with Phil in the first place. Phil had taken her out a time or two when they were in the academy, and May liked him well enough. One night they were out for a walk around the academy grounds and were holding hands. He had pulled her close and brought her wrist to his lips to kiss. May could remember how her knees had actually went a little bit. And he’d noticed. Phil knew in that moment and after that she was a goner. “Don’t do that.” Her voice was unconvincing even to her, but Phil released her wrist. It wasn’t a triumph. In fact, it made her feel like a real jackass, either that or like she’d been kicked by one.
Her brain screamed at her that danger was coming, pain and embarrassment. She pulled back and stood. “Maybe we should eat.” May knew she’d screwed up the moment Phil said that. He was comforting her. That was not what this was supposed to be. This was a moment for Phil to pull himself together, not for her to rehash old insecurities. Phil's voice was as hollow as his eyes were. “I shouldn’t have done that. I got caught up. It won’t happen again.”
May imagined that if you were listening close enough, that the sound of her heart shattering would have been quite clear. She didn’t have any choice but to go serve the food. Well, that and another shot of Jack Daniels for the two of them. It was going to be a long night and the only way either of them were going to get any sleep would be drunk. There was no way for Phil to unsee what he’d experienced in the machine or to unhear what Straiten told him. May knew how impossible it was because she’d seen it all. She saw the pictures of Phil with his skull cracked open, and she’d read the reports about catastrophic neurological damage he’d suffered . May knew what fresh hell Phil was just learning about for months now, but because of who she was, she could say nothing to him other than, “I got you sweet and sour pork.”