My Modern Love Letter
Below is my modern love leter. It was written in my senior year of High School(2001-2002). I am extremely proud of it. I think its one of my best writings so far. I have yet to make an updated version or even write something this good. Let me know what you think either in an IM(silentbeauty2006 ..AIM), Email me (lovewithallmyheart49@hotmail.com) or leave me a comment here...
As I here alone I think about what exactly this relationship really is or has been. Did I still understand what was going on between us? Although the word “love” was spoken, was there an actual real feeling behind it? I thought there was, but then again I’ve been known to think that something was there when it really isn’t.
I walk through the halls and then I notice I am a name without a face. There is a sense of loneliness that surge’s in me. People who pretend to care surround me but that doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I notice that I am the same way to some extent. I hide real feelings away and not let any of them be seen by those who stand around me. Yet the sense of loneliness at times is almost more then I can bear. The (sound of) silence can be so loud that it makes me seem that I am deaf. I let no one in and yet I wonder why I am so lonely.
Why did I choose to let you in? What made you different? Is there something I saw in you that was different from everyone else? You seem to understand me more and for that reason I do not understand. I speak to you; you don’t hesitate to answer, and you don’t look at me the way they do. We seem to speak a different language than everyone else. When all I can do is speak in riddles, you are the only one who seems to decode them and understand.
I have yet to figure out why I hold up the wall that surrounds me. Did something happen to make me so untrusting of the world? I am not quite sure why this wall was built. There is always a logical explanation for it and yet it seems to be passing me by at this moment. I believe that the best of everyone shows through. This is not the case every time; sometimes the ugliness of a person is all that’s really inside of them and you cannot help but see it. I have not found anything inside of you that I despise. You seem to have moderation in everything.
Did you really love me or was love only a word spoken between us? Why was our time cut so short? Is there a lesson to be learned from this? If there is, I have yet to discover it. You seem so far away from me at times and yet you are so close. I am left with so many questions. I cannot seem to find any answer to those questions in my mind. Why do you seem so close to me? Is it that we share a bond which runs deep inside my heart? Is it that I want to believe that you really are near to me so I am not so lonely? It might be that I wanted to believe that you really are near to me so I am not so lonely? It might be that I wanted to believe that I wasn’t so alone in the world. Why you? Why not someone else? What made me pick you? Was it merely that you were the only one around when I needed someone so I chose you? I am unsure on why it was you that I picked to enter my heavily guarded world. Was it merely because you promised to understand me better than everyone else? Was it because I saw you in a different light because you somehow showed me a piece of something no one else ever has? I sit here wondering why and I find no answer.
Yet, I keep coming back to the sense of love. It seems to bother me to the point where all my thoughts are focused on whether or not there was a real feeling behind it. Was I really in love with you or was it something I wanted to feel? Did I feel something real for you or was it me wanting to kill that sense of loneliness, which since you left has devoured me, and let someone in? I let down my wall and now with you is has been impossible to rebuild it and kick you out. You seem to notice me in a way no one else does. That makes me very nervous. I have never had someone do that with me. I am completely open to you. Not very many people are able to get around my wall. Every time someone tries to break down my wall and attack me I build my wall a little bit more.
You have always tried to keep me from harm’s way. Why do you do that? Do you truly care for me? I don’t understand why anyone would do that for me. Is it possible someone has honest intentions of loving and caring for me? If it is so the whole thought makes me very nervous. I have never had someone who had honest intentions with me, especially someone who has got around my wall. I wonder if I will ever be able to let another person as close as I’ve let you. I trust you not to take advantage of my vulnerability and hurt me just because you can. Will someone be able to get behind that wall and make me feel less alone? You have gone away so that loneliness has returned to me.
I once found someone else whose intentions I thought were true. I was sadly mistaken. He is still in my thoughts and in my questions. Why did he have to be like that with me? When he spoke to me of his lover was there even a feeling there? He confuses me so. Again he has returned to my wall and now wonders if he can climb it. Do I let him in without any consequence to his past actions? Do I lock him out and never let him back in? Did I misjudge his intentions before? There is a single thread of hope in which I am still clinging to. I wish that you wouldn’t have hurt me so this decision would not be more difficult.
Again, I thought you actually cared about me. You walked back into my life and I thought things finally had changed. I always want to see the best intentions in people’s actions. We were supposed to be friends now. Was I wrong? Did I take one of your actions for more than it was supposed to be? I want to believe that you, the one I came to adore, are only hidden underneath all of that pain that you carry around. I’d really love to believe this but I am still cautious because you’ve let me down before. You’ve disappointed me repeatedly. That is this only reason to be cautious of trusting you. I want to but I am nervous. Should I trust that you would be nice to me again? Am I supposed to believe you when you again say you really care and love me? I am unsure.
Give me a reason to believe you’ve really changed. I want to become happy again knowing you want me in your life. Do you even want me in your life? Do you only want me around so you can get rid of that loneliness you are feeling? I don’t want to be some pawn in your game. I want to be someone you again treasure.
What is the "love" we spoke of so many times? Did this "love" ever have any real value or meaning? Did you just speak those words to get something you wanted from me? Why do I not understand the word love and it’s meaning? Did I ever really love you? Do I even understand the concept of love and loving someone? Why I am so confused about love?
I distrust many people. I don’t want to distrust you for something made up in my mind. The only thing I expect of you and anyone else is honesty. To have to distrust the world because people look upon it as too boring or outdated to be honest is a shame.
I am stuck here at least for now, in the middle between understanding and being completely lost, Between loving and hating, Between honesty and lies, Between heaven and hell. I am surround by those people who are supposed to know me best but even refuse to look past what they see. Appearances are far too important to them. Just because someone does not fit your model of perfection doesn’t mean they are a bad person overall. Why does all this matter? Are you really that shallow? Sometimes what matters more should be how beautiful they are on the inside. I hear talking all around me. Some conversations include me. The meaningless, fake personas of people talking to me leave me even more lost and alone.
How can even being in such a small place leave you so lonely? You would think with fewer people that maybe you could get rid of that feeling of loneliness. Why aren’t you around when I need you most now? Are you too far away to come back to me? Have things changed that much that you seem no longer close to me? Was there something I said to make you go away? Is all of this in my mind? I wish you would return to me. I want you to be inside this wall. Break it down and return to the spot, which is now empty because you’ve gone away. You’ve said before that you just don’t understand me anymore. Has any of this helped you to understand me again? I wonder if it has. I hope so!
As I here alone I think about what exactly this relationship really is or has been. Did I still understand what was going on between us? Although the word “love” was spoken, was there an actual real feeling behind it? I thought there was, but then again I’ve been known to think that something was there when it really isn’t.
I walk through the halls and then I notice I am a name without a face. There is a sense of loneliness that surge’s in me. People who pretend to care surround me but that doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. I notice that I am the same way to some extent. I hide real feelings away and not let any of them be seen by those who stand around me. Yet the sense of loneliness at times is almost more then I can bear. The (sound of) silence can be so loud that it makes me seem that I am deaf. I let no one in and yet I wonder why I am so lonely.
Why did I choose to let you in? What made you different? Is there something I saw in you that was different from everyone else? You seem to understand me more and for that reason I do not understand. I speak to you; you don’t hesitate to answer, and you don’t look at me the way they do. We seem to speak a different language than everyone else. When all I can do is speak in riddles, you are the only one who seems to decode them and understand.
I have yet to figure out why I hold up the wall that surrounds me. Did something happen to make me so untrusting of the world? I am not quite sure why this wall was built. There is always a logical explanation for it and yet it seems to be passing me by at this moment. I believe that the best of everyone shows through. This is not the case every time; sometimes the ugliness of a person is all that’s really inside of them and you cannot help but see it. I have not found anything inside of you that I despise. You seem to have moderation in everything.
Did you really love me or was love only a word spoken between us? Why was our time cut so short? Is there a lesson to be learned from this? If there is, I have yet to discover it. You seem so far away from me at times and yet you are so close. I am left with so many questions. I cannot seem to find any answer to those questions in my mind. Why do you seem so close to me? Is it that we share a bond which runs deep inside my heart? Is it that I want to believe that you really are near to me so I am not so lonely? It might be that I wanted to believe that you really are near to me so I am not so lonely? It might be that I wanted to believe that I wasn’t so alone in the world. Why you? Why not someone else? What made me pick you? Was it merely that you were the only one around when I needed someone so I chose you? I am unsure on why it was you that I picked to enter my heavily guarded world. Was it merely because you promised to understand me better than everyone else? Was it because I saw you in a different light because you somehow showed me a piece of something no one else ever has? I sit here wondering why and I find no answer.
Yet, I keep coming back to the sense of love. It seems to bother me to the point where all my thoughts are focused on whether or not there was a real feeling behind it. Was I really in love with you or was it something I wanted to feel? Did I feel something real for you or was it me wanting to kill that sense of loneliness, which since you left has devoured me, and let someone in? I let down my wall and now with you is has been impossible to rebuild it and kick you out. You seem to notice me in a way no one else does. That makes me very nervous. I have never had someone do that with me. I am completely open to you. Not very many people are able to get around my wall. Every time someone tries to break down my wall and attack me I build my wall a little bit more.
You have always tried to keep me from harm’s way. Why do you do that? Do you truly care for me? I don’t understand why anyone would do that for me. Is it possible someone has honest intentions of loving and caring for me? If it is so the whole thought makes me very nervous. I have never had someone who had honest intentions with me, especially someone who has got around my wall. I wonder if I will ever be able to let another person as close as I’ve let you. I trust you not to take advantage of my vulnerability and hurt me just because you can. Will someone be able to get behind that wall and make me feel less alone? You have gone away so that loneliness has returned to me.
I once found someone else whose intentions I thought were true. I was sadly mistaken. He is still in my thoughts and in my questions. Why did he have to be like that with me? When he spoke to me of his lover was there even a feeling there? He confuses me so. Again he has returned to my wall and now wonders if he can climb it. Do I let him in without any consequence to his past actions? Do I lock him out and never let him back in? Did I misjudge his intentions before? There is a single thread of hope in which I am still clinging to. I wish that you wouldn’t have hurt me so this decision would not be more difficult.
Again, I thought you actually cared about me. You walked back into my life and I thought things finally had changed. I always want to see the best intentions in people’s actions. We were supposed to be friends now. Was I wrong? Did I take one of your actions for more than it was supposed to be? I want to believe that you, the one I came to adore, are only hidden underneath all of that pain that you carry around. I’d really love to believe this but I am still cautious because you’ve let me down before. You’ve disappointed me repeatedly. That is this only reason to be cautious of trusting you. I want to but I am nervous. Should I trust that you would be nice to me again? Am I supposed to believe you when you again say you really care and love me? I am unsure.
Give me a reason to believe you’ve really changed. I want to become happy again knowing you want me in your life. Do you even want me in your life? Do you only want me around so you can get rid of that loneliness you are feeling? I don’t want to be some pawn in your game. I want to be someone you again treasure.
What is the "love" we spoke of so many times? Did this "love" ever have any real value or meaning? Did you just speak those words to get something you wanted from me? Why do I not understand the word love and it’s meaning? Did I ever really love you? Do I even understand the concept of love and loving someone? Why I am so confused about love?
I distrust many people. I don’t want to distrust you for something made up in my mind. The only thing I expect of you and anyone else is honesty. To have to distrust the world because people look upon it as too boring or outdated to be honest is a shame.
I am stuck here at least for now, in the middle between understanding and being completely lost, Between loving and hating, Between honesty and lies, Between heaven and hell. I am surround by those people who are supposed to know me best but even refuse to look past what they see. Appearances are far too important to them. Just because someone does not fit your model of perfection doesn’t mean they are a bad person overall. Why does all this matter? Are you really that shallow? Sometimes what matters more should be how beautiful they are on the inside. I hear talking all around me. Some conversations include me. The meaningless, fake personas of people talking to me leave me even more lost and alone.
How can even being in such a small place leave you so lonely? You would think with fewer people that maybe you could get rid of that feeling of loneliness. Why aren’t you around when I need you most now? Are you too far away to come back to me? Have things changed that much that you seem no longer close to me? Was there something I said to make you go away? Is all of this in my mind? I wish you would return to me. I want you to be inside this wall. Break it down and return to the spot, which is now empty because you’ve gone away. You’ve said before that you just don’t understand me anymore. Has any of this helped you to understand me again? I wonder if it has. I hope so!