not in a while...

[avatharwen]

Every now and again the thought of an imminent end enters me and won't leave. It appears that these days, medicated as I am with occasional alprazolam to top off the mix, I don't panic so much but in a sense experience something worse, a much extended period of time consumed by this thought that nothing can distract me from - not entirely. It strikes at night, thought I have felt its presence in daylight. I feel my life slipping away. When I was younger whenever I had a panic atack about death I reasurrd myself that when I will be old and have lived a full life I would me at peace with it and wouldn't fear it, but they way my life is going after over a quarter of it gone the same old story doesn't pacify me. In fact I see right through it and see it as a blatant lie, no one is ever ready, you can never live enough, and to the fullest - least of all me. I am still paralyzed by my fear and lack of commitment in any general direction, and the time flies by.

My most recent emerging motto (one that I am yet to fullfil in action however) is, do something cause the number of days you have left is descreasing with each day gone by, and it's irreversible. I feel like I will soon wake up at 80 same as I am now dying and haven't moved from where I am, physically or emotionally, havent accomplished anything, havent been anywhere, and that will be it, the end, forever.

I am amazed at how I am able to write about this and not have a full blown panic attack, I can feel the strain holding it back causes, manifesting itself as an intense frontal lobe pain.

Why is it so hard for me to enjoy life and do something with it..