Acceptance and Forgiveness
Truth without empathy is cruelty ~Cory Klatt, Performance Leadership Group
Awareness is only 1 factor in facing change by becoming consciously aware. We must also accept what is so. At first we may find that despite awareness of a situation or set of circumstances we are stuck in that all too familiar realm of “that’s not fair.” We pine over what should be or, at least, what we believe should be. That’s okay. That’s a perfectly normal response. But, wishing or believing something should be a certain way doesn’t change how it really is. Yet, let us be careful not to invalidate our feelings or the feelings of others.
The first step in being at choice is to accept what is. It is, in fact, our first “choice.” Again, this takes the amount of time that it takes. It can’t be forced on us or our loved ones. Often people are tempted to say to us, “It is what it is” in an attempt to help us come to terms with a given set of circumstances. While that is actually a true statement, said without empathy it is simply cruelty. Often time’s wounds have to be healed first. Amends might need to be made. We need to be able to make a fearless moral inventory and come to terms about whom we are and where we are.
We don’t generally choose our set of circumstances. But, we do choose what to do with those circumstances or about those circumstances and that is what makes all the difference in the world. Let’s face it we didn’t choose our genetics. We didn’t choose our nationality. We didn’t choose our parents or the set of circumstances we were born into.
Certainly as we move into the relative autonomy of adulthood we do choose some of our circumstances. But, since we are all individuals in a large polis of individuals we are affected daily by the choices of others. There are circumstances of nature, of politics and of place that are not within our direct control. A tsunami or hurricane is not our fault. Being victimized by someone else’s violent actions is also not our fault.
In this crucial step of acceptance we often resort to blaming the victim ourselves and others. You can come to terms or acceptance while your wounds are still deep. You need to heal first. That’s why the religious ethic of forgiveness is so precarious. Forgiveness never heals or even facilitates healing. Forgiveness is a consequence of healing.
Awareness is only 1 factor in facing change by becoming consciously aware. We must also accept what is so. At first we may find that despite awareness of a situation or set of circumstances we are stuck in that all too familiar realm of “that’s not fair.” We pine over what should be or, at least, what we believe should be. That’s okay. That’s a perfectly normal response. But, wishing or believing something should be a certain way doesn’t change how it really is. Yet, let us be careful not to invalidate our feelings or the feelings of others.
The first step in being at choice is to accept what is. It is, in fact, our first “choice.” Again, this takes the amount of time that it takes. It can’t be forced on us or our loved ones. Often people are tempted to say to us, “It is what it is” in an attempt to help us come to terms with a given set of circumstances. While that is actually a true statement, said without empathy it is simply cruelty. Often time’s wounds have to be healed first. Amends might need to be made. We need to be able to make a fearless moral inventory and come to terms about whom we are and where we are.
We don’t generally choose our set of circumstances. But, we do choose what to do with those circumstances or about those circumstances and that is what makes all the difference in the world. Let’s face it we didn’t choose our genetics. We didn’t choose our nationality. We didn’t choose our parents or the set of circumstances we were born into.
Certainly as we move into the relative autonomy of adulthood we do choose some of our circumstances. But, since we are all individuals in a large polis of individuals we are affected daily by the choices of others. There are circumstances of nature, of politics and of place that are not within our direct control. A tsunami or hurricane is not our fault. Being victimized by someone else’s violent actions is also not our fault.
In this crucial step of acceptance we often resort to blaming the victim ourselves and others. You can come to terms or acceptance while your wounds are still deep. You need to heal first. That’s why the religious ethic of forgiveness is so precarious. Forgiveness never heals or even facilitates healing. Forgiveness is a consequence of healing.