waiting to exhale.
I feel like I'm playing the waiting game for nothing. Sitting here, trying to get the rest of my OB homework done, feels like I'm just waiting for the rest of my life to start. Waiting on others to get their heads out of their butts because they're too lazy to do much more of anything else.
I'm halfway through the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book (so that's 3 1/2 down now in less than a week...), I have more than half my homework done, I still have to finish the rest of Xylia's SSI paperwork and have it turned in by the 25th... and the lady at the SSI office never bothered to return my phone call about how I NEED HELP filling the paperwork out. I'm not going to be able to get this paperwork finished by then, because it needs to be turned in or postmarked by the 25th... and that's Wednesday. Conveniently, I also have Roy scheduling things that he wants/needs done because he's getting paid on Monday. I also still have to find last year's tax filing info so I can file this year's taxes.
And as ever, not a damn thing about getting my settlement back yet.
I feel like I'm ramming my head against a thrice-dammed cage, and all I'm doing is knocking myself senseless and stagnating.
Why can't I just wake up from all of this nightmare I feel that I'm in? Why did I end up in this slump? Oh right. Too many bad choices. And I'm not even going to ask 'why me', because the wake up from teenager to adult to mommyhood has been such a f*ing joyride. Not.
I'm trying to be happy, but it's hard to find any kind of happy when you feel your life is just one huge ball of moot points.
I also came across a couple of emotional triggers today. I thought I had found all of my emotional triggers, but Tarzan was on TV earlier and I bawled buckets during the beginning of it. Damn it, I still miss my little Aden. It isn't fair that God took him back, I always wanted a son, and it kills me that I don't have my little boy right now.
Damn it, now I'm bawling again.
Every time I think about bringing up trying again to Roy, I'm forced to take a step back. Roy didn't want any of the babies we lost, and he'd blamed me for their loss. He hasn't made any kind of steps toward commitment of the long-term variety, although he has changed quite a bit from when I first met him.
Or I changed.
I'm really not sure.
I just feel that I'm not that happy-go-lucky woman I used to know. What happened to her?
I'm halfway through the next Black Dagger Brotherhood book (so that's 3 1/2 down now in less than a week...), I have more than half my homework done, I still have to finish the rest of Xylia's SSI paperwork and have it turned in by the 25th... and the lady at the SSI office never bothered to return my phone call about how I NEED HELP filling the paperwork out. I'm not going to be able to get this paperwork finished by then, because it needs to be turned in or postmarked by the 25th... and that's Wednesday. Conveniently, I also have Roy scheduling things that he wants/needs done because he's getting paid on Monday. I also still have to find last year's tax filing info so I can file this year's taxes.
And as ever, not a damn thing about getting my settlement back yet.
I feel like I'm ramming my head against a thrice-dammed cage, and all I'm doing is knocking myself senseless and stagnating.
Why can't I just wake up from all of this nightmare I feel that I'm in? Why did I end up in this slump? Oh right. Too many bad choices. And I'm not even going to ask 'why me', because the wake up from teenager to adult to mommyhood has been such a f*ing joyride. Not.
I'm trying to be happy, but it's hard to find any kind of happy when you feel your life is just one huge ball of moot points.
I also came across a couple of emotional triggers today. I thought I had found all of my emotional triggers, but Tarzan was on TV earlier and I bawled buckets during the beginning of it. Damn it, I still miss my little Aden. It isn't fair that God took him back, I always wanted a son, and it kills me that I don't have my little boy right now.
Damn it, now I'm bawling again.
Every time I think about bringing up trying again to Roy, I'm forced to take a step back. Roy didn't want any of the babies we lost, and he'd blamed me for their loss. He hasn't made any kind of steps toward commitment of the long-term variety, although he has changed quite a bit from when I first met him.
Or I changed.
I'm really not sure.
I just feel that I'm not that happy-go-lucky woman I used to know. What happened to her?