Aint no sunshine when She's gone...
Well, she IS gone....My beloved VW Talula caught on fire when I was driving to Death Guild Monday night. 11 years of driving her, loving her, and even living in her, reduced to a huge toxic cloud of black smoke rising from the corner of 18th and mission... I fell to my knees, helpless to do anything but watch her burn. It felt like I was trapped inside a nightmare.
I feel like my best friend has died. Isnt that ridiculous?!? I know it's silly being so emotional over a vehicle but she was more than that to me. Every memory, good or bad, over the last decade retains an image of her...sleeping under lightening storms at the top of Eagle's Cregg in Zion, living in her outback of China Bleu when my heart was breaking over a love gone bad, road trips, running off to dance floors, everything. I feel really alone and lost. She was always my backdoor, my escape pod, my bedroom on wheels. It's nearly pathetic how much I loved her. I swore she ran on willpower and love. I guess my love wasnt enough anymore. That feeling is all too familiar and I am so sick to death of my love feeling pointless and ineffectual. Now I have no choice but to let her go. It is so hard for me to do this...letting go of things does not come easy for me. I am trying to focus on what newness the future holds, but I am so connected emotionally to the past sometimes I feel like Im being torn in two.
I am grateful that I was not hurt, altho I must admit that when she was burning I felt oddly compelled to go jump into the flames with her. The fire department put out the fire eventually, but part of me wanted to watch her burn entirely...to the ground. Then I wanted to kick her and break her windows. So much for love...
The other bad part is that I still owe money on her. 1,300.00 No full coverage insurance either. A complete loss. I will be paying for her long after she's gone. Ouch.
On the bright side, I really dont need a vehicle in this city. I could take a cab every day and still spend less that driving. But then I feel guilty for feeling free, like Im betraying her memory or something. Goddess, I am a freak. An emotional vw loving freak.
Talula Pheonix Treeampoline, RIP
Here I sit in paradise
my head between my hands
Little sister, break your vow
break down, the sacred side
little sister, break the rules
break me in two
Little sister, now you're gone
let's just say it's a mercy kill
but little sister, you've left me
howling at the moon
If you touched my heart
you might be surprised
you'd be paralysed
Will the free hand of captivity
heal all of this brutality?
If you touched my heart
A truth might lie disguised
you'd be paralyzsed
just once, little sister
just once ...
Luckily I am flying to Texas tomorrow for 10 days to do henna and a fire show at a big pagan festival run by my former High Priestess. A change of scenery will do me good. Hot, sunny weather will be good too. Sweat out all this sadness...
Big cathartic change is terribly painful. But change is good. OM KALI MA
I feel like my best friend has died. Isnt that ridiculous?!? I know it's silly being so emotional over a vehicle but she was more than that to me. Every memory, good or bad, over the last decade retains an image of her...sleeping under lightening storms at the top of Eagle's Cregg in Zion, living in her outback of China Bleu when my heart was breaking over a love gone bad, road trips, running off to dance floors, everything. I feel really alone and lost. She was always my backdoor, my escape pod, my bedroom on wheels. It's nearly pathetic how much I loved her. I swore she ran on willpower and love. I guess my love wasnt enough anymore. That feeling is all too familiar and I am so sick to death of my love feeling pointless and ineffectual. Now I have no choice but to let her go. It is so hard for me to do this...letting go of things does not come easy for me. I am trying to focus on what newness the future holds, but I am so connected emotionally to the past sometimes I feel like Im being torn in two.
I am grateful that I was not hurt, altho I must admit that when she was burning I felt oddly compelled to go jump into the flames with her. The fire department put out the fire eventually, but part of me wanted to watch her burn entirely...to the ground. Then I wanted to kick her and break her windows. So much for love...
The other bad part is that I still owe money on her. 1,300.00 No full coverage insurance either. A complete loss. I will be paying for her long after she's gone. Ouch.
On the bright side, I really dont need a vehicle in this city. I could take a cab every day and still spend less that driving. But then I feel guilty for feeling free, like Im betraying her memory or something. Goddess, I am a freak. An emotional vw loving freak.
Talula Pheonix Treeampoline, RIP
Here I sit in paradise
my head between my hands
Little sister, break your vow
break down, the sacred side
little sister, break the rules
break me in two
Little sister, now you're gone
let's just say it's a mercy kill
but little sister, you've left me
howling at the moon
If you touched my heart
you might be surprised
you'd be paralysed
Will the free hand of captivity
heal all of this brutality?
If you touched my heart
A truth might lie disguised
you'd be paralyzsed
just once, little sister
just once ...
Luckily I am flying to Texas tomorrow for 10 days to do henna and a fire show at a big pagan festival run by my former High Priestess. A change of scenery will do me good. Hot, sunny weather will be good too. Sweat out all this sadness...
Big cathartic change is terribly painful. But change is good. OM KALI MA