crying
Hey guys. I know I haven't updated in a while...been real busy. Lots of coursework, music recial (went well) and Mags and Saras leaving party at work. God Im gonna miss those guys. We slept in the dungeon that night too....it was monday, and kinda fun.
Last night I saw "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"...it was great...very confusing. That was with Katie and Adrian, then I met up with Mon and Amy and the people they were with....adam, joe etc...I got the bus in with Amy and Mon and we went to Pizza Hut. I got the bus back with Mon, Amy stayed at Joes. Joes sister Kirsty remembered me...she said "Nicky!" and gave me a big hug. That was nice...I thought she'd be weird with me.....she's so cool..Im glad its ok.
Anyway...despit all this, I feel like shit. The whole "don't have a friend in the world" thing is back. Mags and Sara moving to Aussie is making me really wanna move to america. Iv wanted to do that since i was 9....been planning and stuff....but now I'm desperate. I have nothing to stay here for. Everyone has their group of friends and I have no one. Well, I have jen...but she's kinda just into Luke, not really going out or doing anything. Everying has their group...Amy and Mon....The guys at work....Katie and Adrian....and then there's me....friends with all of them but not really that close. No one would miss me if i wasn't here. Katie and Adrian asked where I'd been for ages, and it was them who invited me out last night...but they staill have this best friend bond that I'm not part of. I keep watching american stuf on TV and wishing that my life was like that. WHY was I born here, when I love that place so much? WHY do I have THIS life? Why can't I have been born in the States, and be a teen star, get lucky like all the people that did...avril, alanis, the kids in Harry Potter.....what do they have that I dont?? I realised todya that I'm not happy. Its not just a phase....I've been pretending its not that bad...but i can't remember the last time I was actually happy, or felt part of something. Everything that I love is so far away. This isn't the life I want...the life I want I can't fucking have....I hate it....my dad's an asshole....he yelled at me again today for fuck all reason....which is why Im crying my eyes out right now...I don't understand why some people get the life they want and some dont...i dont want to be one of those who never made it. I want to be famous...i want to make a difference...i want to be american, i want to live by a beach, have close friends who hang out all the time, come into my room through the
window, tell eachother everyhting. I dont understand why i was born here, with this life, to this family (kinda). Its nothing like what i want. Maybe one day it will all get better and what i want will happen.....but it will be a lot later than I would have liked....teen stars are more special, and I'll never have a prom or a graduation.
Maybe I just want too much. Maybe Im just a teenager......
But whatever I am...im unhappy...
xxx
Last night I saw "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"...it was great...very confusing. That was with Katie and Adrian, then I met up with Mon and Amy and the people they were with....adam, joe etc...I got the bus in with Amy and Mon and we went to Pizza Hut. I got the bus back with Mon, Amy stayed at Joes. Joes sister Kirsty remembered me...she said "Nicky!" and gave me a big hug. That was nice...I thought she'd be weird with me.....she's so cool..Im glad its ok.
Anyway...despit all this, I feel like shit. The whole "don't have a friend in the world" thing is back. Mags and Sara moving to Aussie is making me really wanna move to america. Iv wanted to do that since i was 9....been planning and stuff....but now I'm desperate. I have nothing to stay here for. Everyone has their group of friends and I have no one. Well, I have jen...but she's kinda just into Luke, not really going out or doing anything. Everying has their group...Amy and Mon....The guys at work....Katie and Adrian....and then there's me....friends with all of them but not really that close. No one would miss me if i wasn't here. Katie and Adrian asked where I'd been for ages, and it was them who invited me out last night...but they staill have this best friend bond that I'm not part of. I keep watching american stuf on TV and wishing that my life was like that. WHY was I born here, when I love that place so much? WHY do I have THIS life? Why can't I have been born in the States, and be a teen star, get lucky like all the people that did...avril, alanis, the kids in Harry Potter.....what do they have that I dont?? I realised todya that I'm not happy. Its not just a phase....I've been pretending its not that bad...but i can't remember the last time I was actually happy, or felt part of something. Everything that I love is so far away. This isn't the life I want...the life I want I can't fucking have....I hate it....my dad's an asshole....he yelled at me again today for fuck all reason....which is why Im crying my eyes out right now...I don't understand why some people get the life they want and some dont...i dont want to be one of those who never made it. I want to be famous...i want to make a difference...i want to be american, i want to live by a beach, have close friends who hang out all the time, come into my room through the
window, tell eachother everyhting. I dont understand why i was born here, with this life, to this family (kinda). Its nothing like what i want. Maybe one day it will all get better and what i want will happen.....but it will be a lot later than I would have liked....teen stars are more special, and I'll never have a prom or a graduation.
Maybe I just want too much. Maybe Im just a teenager......
But whatever I am...im unhappy...
xxx