To Love a Rock Star - 26/30 - Gackt/Miyavi - Mult. Rtg.
XXVI. Miyavi: Dear, Sweet, Merciful… Someone
The last person in the world I expected to see in my hotel room was Yoshiki. But there he was, looking somewhat defeated and lonely, but resigned to some bit of fate that he’d given in to. Behind him, Gackt probed me with his eyes. I suppose he was searching for the love I had for him, but I’d buried it in an effort to dull the ache of my actions.
“May we come in?” Yoshiki asked, looking slightly sheepish at asking.
“Sure,” I replied automatically, stepping aside so they could enter the suite. “Sorry about the mess.”
“It’s okay,” he gave a light laugh. “It’s typical rock star.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle as I looked around at my things scattered here and there. “I guess you’re right.”
Distracted, I didn’t realize how close Gackt had gotten to me until I felt his warm hand curl into mine. I looked down at our twined fingers, then up to his face. Our eyes met, and something told me that it was alright. Keeping a firm grip on me, the three of us moved to sit down, Gackt and I on the couch, Yoshiki in one of the armchairs. The drummer’s eyes settled on our linked hands, and something seemed to click in his eyes.
“I think I understand now,” he said suddenly, bringing his eyes to focus on me. “The how and the why. And the why not.”
“What?” I was so terribly confused.
“Miyavi… I want to apologize. For everything. Please,” he cut me off with an upraised tightly braced hand, “let me do this. You may not believe me, but I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to break up something that looked so strong as the two of you. I never meant to hurt you, nor did I mean to say or do what I did. It just… happened.”
“Yoshiki,” Gackt said softly. “He’s confused enough. Why don’t you come out and say what you mean.”
Yoshiki nodded, his head lowering slightly. It took him a few moments to gather himself, and when he did, I saw the tears glimmering in his eyes.
“It’s been… a long time for me. A long time ago, I felt something, I knew emotion and trust and desire. I understood what it was like to love and want someone with all my heart. But it ended, and I forgot all that. I had to. To protect myself, I had to hide myself. I’ve gone through life since then, cold and careless, going from one place to another, never connecting, never caring or trying. Until now.”
“Miyavi, I had a dream, and in that dream, the four of us stood on one stage, uniting ourselves and our differences into one glorious sound. And the world loved us! We had taken something so unique to our own personalities and melded them into a new and wonderful idea. And in that dream… in that dream, I felt love again. I felt love for you, so strong that I could taste it. I knew, right then, that I wanted to try, I wanted a chance. Only, I never got it. Because I never counted on this,” he motioned to our hands, though the action wasn’t threatening or angry this time, “to happen.”
Yoshiki stopped talking. The room was quiet except for my heart pounding in my ears. Finally, we had the truth. Finally, I knew why I had been made to suffer in the past month. Finally, Yoshiki had come down off of his high horse and admitted that he was at fault. So, why didn’t I feel any better?
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally managed. “I mean, after all this, after everything… and you tell me it’s because you love me? Because you wanted a chance to be with me? You tore me up one side and down the other almost every day for three weeks because you thought that maybe, if I broke up with Gackt, you’d have your chance? Is that it?”
Yoshiki’s refusal to meet my gaze was answer enough. I felt my anger burning again, the boiling sound rumbling in my ears. I knew I shouldn’t feel that way, but it was so much better than pitying the man sitting across from me. He didn’t deserve my pity, he didn’t deserve sympathy. He deserved to have his ass kicked, he deserved to have his heart broken. He deserved to know how it felt to be hurt, to be called wrong, to be verbally beaten up.
But… I couldn’t do it. As quickly as my anger rose, it fled. There was no call for it. At the very bottom of the whole situation, it all boiled down to miscommunication and rotten judgment.
“That first fight you had,” Yoshiki said suddenly, “back in the beginning. It looked like you were going to give up on Gackt. And I got so hopeful. I thought that was it, the door was open. Gackt, I apologize for hitting you. It was out of line, and it shouldn’t have happened. But when you opened the door that morning, I snapped. I knew then that I’d lost. You’d won Miyavi’s heart, and his body, and I didn’t stand a chance after that. I am sorry.”
Gackt only nodded, brushing the whole thing off with a wave of his hand. I tightened my hold on him, watching Yoshiki’s face. I could see the guilt there, and the touch of relief I knew he had to be feeling, having said everything that needed saying. The last of my anger dissolved and I slipped from Gackt’s side. I walked on my knees around the coffee table to kneel next to Yoshiki. He looked down into my face, smiling lightly.
“Yoshi, if I had known… I’m so sorry. If I had known, I wouldn’t have… we wouldn’t have… We all got hurt here. But I think we can fix it.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and lay my head on his lap. I saw Gackt smile as I felt Yoshiki petting my hair. Closing my eyes, it crossed my mind that neither of these men who proclaimed to love me really knew me at all. If they did, they’d have heard the lie in my voice, and they’d know that there wasn’t really a good way to resolve this problem. Not one that wouldn’t hurt everyone even more, at least.