another long Disney post
The Little Mermaid II: Return To The Sea
For a sequel, I was not disappointed. It was not as magical as the first movie (nothing can be more magical than the first movie), but it definitely gave a great message nonetheless.
Alright, so, let’s talk about Melody. Number one, the animators did a fantastic job of merging Ariel and Eric’s features into her. I found her to be such a perfect mix of her parents that at times I looked at her and saw Eric and at other times I looked at her and saw Ariel. She has Eric’s black hair and facial features as well as Ariel’s perfect femininity and body shape, and in a way I found her even better-looking than her mother. I loved how Melody was just as adventurous as Ariel was in the first movie. She knew that she loved the sea and she was brave enough to just go out and get it. Even better, this time she did not need a man to give her that final push (will elaborate more on this later)-she just hopped on a boat and paddled on her way. I also loved how she was characterized as socially awkward and painstakingly shy. When I was twelve years old, I could never look another person in the eye, and in that sense I felt so relatable to her. People thought she was strange because she was just so awkward around others and had a habit of being drenched in seaweed. The girl in the yellow dress and the two dorky little boys near the beginning of the film were so snobbish that I had to roll my eyes at how ridiculous they were. I pretended for the rest of the film that they were just jealous that they were mere commoners while Melody was a fucking princess-and no amount of frilly dresses and snazzy bowties could change that. It was also adorable seeing her stumble over her words in front of the merboy she met at Atlantica (“I’m M-Mel-Mel-”). I mean, awww. She was so excited to have a chance at being part of a group of friends, and I made a sad face when Tip the penguin pulled her away “for a previous engagement”. I mean, I always had to choose my studies/career over a day out with friends, so I understood her disappointment completely. Lastly, she ultimately saves the day. She did not a guy to save her life.
Okay, now the cons. Again with breaking her parents’ hearts. Melody, couldn’t you just listen to your mother and father and Sebastian and Scuttle and everybody else who told you that swimming in the ocean was a bad idea? I mean, I understand that having only one opinion on something could be excused as just an opinion, but when everybody is telling you not to go into the water? I think that she should have a bit more common sense than that. When she ran away (or in this case, snatched a boat and paddled off), she devastated not only her parents but also her grandfather! Not cool, dude! Family comes before anything, no exceptions.
I understood how Melody felt that her mother would never recognize how she felt about the sea, however. Every kid feels like their parents could never understand their lives. And in a way, it’s true. But Melody should have at least given her mother a chance (almost did, but it was interrupted in a timely movie fashion) before going barrelling into the sea without thinking about it first. I still feel like my mom does not understand what I have to go through every time I turn down a date just for another three hours of studying, but at least I know that I am making her proud to have a daughter. Melody should have realized that her mother was doing her best to raise her-she even asked her to talk about her feelings, which is more than I could ever say about my mom who thinks that feelings can be managed individually-and be fucking grateful that her parents loved her as much as they do.
The one thing good that came out of Melody’s rash decision to run/paddle/boat away was having Ariel turn back into a mermaid to help the search party. I loved her so much more as a mermaid because she had amazing cleavage because it was typical Disney magic brought back to life. Plus, she got the chance to revisit her childhood home. She went back to her grove, which was still filled with her human treasures (weird, since I thought that King Triton destroyed all of it in the first movie), and it was such an amazing moment for me because it was like Part Of Your World all over again. It must be terrible, not being able to visit her childhood home without drowning, so the fact that she got the chance to do so made me so happy.
It was amazing to see Ariel being a mother. I mean, I never wanted to be a mother for three reasons. Number one, pregnancy scares the living bejeezus out of me. Number two, in the Bible, it was said that Eve was given the burden of painful childbearing because she ate the forbidden fruit, to which I am like what the fuck she so did not deserve that. And number three, I will be an absolutely horrible mother. I mean, honestly, I can’t even take care of myself-how in the fuck would I ever be able to take care of my own kid? Ariel, on the other hand, seemed to be an amazing parent. Her song at the beginning of the film made me shiver because it captured everything that I dreamed motherhood would be. I heard stories about girls who look at their baby and realize that they cannot see their life without them anymore. The first verse from Down To The Sea-You are my world, my darling / And what a wonderful world I see / You are the song I’m singing / You’re my beautiful Melody-made me realize that maybe motherhood may not be so bad after all. I mean, what is more amazing than having a real and tangible purpose to live your life?
Plus, the scene at the beginning, where they were celebrating the birth of their daughter on the ship with the mermaid society, proved that being a mother made Ariel even stronger. When Morgana, Ursula’s sister, threatened Melody’s life by almost feeding her to a shark, everybody was ready to surrender to her (really lame, actually) wrath. You can see the motherly protectiveness in her eyes, and it was so intense-Ariel thought quickly and used Eric’s sword to cut a rope and release a pole to fucking push Morgana off the damn ship, while Eric saved the baby and King Triton turned the shark into an anchovy. It made me so jealous of Eric-he was married to the strongest, bravest, and prettiest redhead in the whole world. Before, I have always thought of motherhood as a nightmare-having to go through nine months carrying a baby and then going through the pain of childbirth does not sound very appetizing to me-but I am absolutely convinced that every mother has to be fucking strong in order to raise a child.
Ariel’s decisions as a parent, however, were questionable. I understand why Melody could never go back to the sea until Morgana was found, but cutting off all ties to the merpeople? What the fuck? I found no reason for that! Plus, there was no way of utterly cutting out all of the information about merpeople to her. The townspeople knew about them, did they not? And for all I know, there was no reason why Melody could not have found out the truth earlier. Dammit, I would have thought that having a queen from mermaid heritage would have been a bigger deal than this! It should have been in international papers! Unless she was completely isolated from society, how could Melody not have known?! I found this movie beautiful but sometimes exasperating. There were so many alternatives to how it should have gone, and the whole time I found myself wanting to shake the characters’ by their shoulders and scream some sense into them. Adults make better choices than that in real life, dammit!
The music is beautiful. Almost as great as the first movie which is so impressive. In addition to the beautiful verse from Down To The Sea, I loved For A Moment. It embodied Melody’s happiness at becoming a mermaid, and I hum the words For a moment, I can shine / Got a grin and a fin that works fine because I find the phrase very motivational. I also loved the fact that it featured backup “mermaid vocals” by Ariel on the tune from Down To The Sea. Amazing soundtrack usage right there, not to mention that she sings beautifully.
The best part about the whole movie was that Melody went after her dream all by herself. She had her own sense of being at such a young age, and she knew exactly what she wanted. I wish that I was as brave as her when I was twelve years old. All I did at that age was study and mope at the fact that I could never hang out with my middle school friends. She, on the other hand, had no friends and on top of that had the audacity to reach beyond what was possible. Moreover, she did not want a boyfriend like her mother did. She just wanted to find a place where she could feel like she belonged. Her happiness at becoming a mermaid was almost tangible. It was as if she was born to swim in the sea, and she felt so at home that it was hard to believe that she could adjust to the change at becoming a mermaid so damn fast. If it were me, I would have freaked out a little bit (you know, just a little).
My favourite scene would have to be when she was dancing with this guy at her twelfth birthday party (with fucking huge ball gowns and everything, holy shit) while Sebastian was tied into her dress ribbon. And of course, the guy she was dancing with held her waist and Sebastian was smart enough to fucking pinch him. So the guy goes off, flailing and screaming that there was a eensy teeny weeny little crab on his finger, which flings poor old Sebastian in the air and crashing into Melody’s birthday cake. And what does Melody do? She rushes to where poor old Sebastian is, and apologizes profusely. The guy, after crashing into the refreshment table, thinks that she was apologizing to him but soon instead realizes that she felt more for a fucking crab than her drenched dance partner.
The only thing that ruined it was the fact that the whole party burst out laughing at the sight of Melody talking to a crab. If I were at that party, I would be laughing at the guy who was fucking scared of the eensy teeny weeny little crab on his finger. Sure, I have to admit, full-sized Emperor crabs are fucking terrifying, but Sebastian was tiny (or maybe it was the animation that made him tiny, either way, no reason to scream). Plus, the guy flipped the whole refreshment table over-hilarity in and of itself. Melody only talked to a crab. What was so funny about that? I talk to my dog all the fucking time, what’s the difference with a crab?
Many people find this only a rehashing of the first movie. It had many parallels, that’s for sure. Both Ariel and Melody wanted to be something else. Both were rebellious. Both forgot about some party/musical event (though Melody actually made it in time). Both were fucking ecstatic when they became their desired human/mermaid form. Both were looked after by poor old Sebastian. Both collected stuff (Ariel collected human artefacts, Melody collected shells). Both ran away from home. Both had animal sidekicks (to be fair, all Disney princesses have animal sidekicks). But I never saw it as a rehashing. I saw it as a tribute worthy of being watched.
Melody grew up at the end. She made herself a home in the world, which is more than anybody I know can say. She chose to stay human to stay with her family but still have access to the wonders of the sea. She earned the respect of those who thought she was strange. She became more outgoing and confident. She made her dream come true, albeit a bit differently than she first imagined. And because of this, I find myself hoping one day that I’ll be just like her and find my own place in the world.
Personal enjoyment: 8/10
Feminist-pro: 9.5/10
Characters: 8.5/10
Positive impact: 9/10
Inspiration: 8/10
Music: 8.5/10
Lady And The Tramp
I used to think that this movie was the sweetest thing ever. It still is, but in a different way. You see, when I was younger, I had only believed that it was a movie about two dogs that fell in love despite all the obstacles they had to overcome. Now, I realize that it is about premarital sex and the ensuing pregnancy! How did I not get that before? *head explodes*
Okay, so the movie starts off with a newlywed couple exchanging Christmas gifts, one of which is Lady herself. Then Lady refuses to sleep downstairs and whines like a spoiled brat until the newlyweds give in and let her sleep with them. I really loved this scene because it reminded me so much of my own dog (the little bitch refuses to sleep on his dog bed, and each time I let him sleep with me he takes the fucking middle of the bed and refuses to get up). Lady grows up to be a beautiful, pampered, but good-natured cocker spaniel. If she were human, she would have come from a very rich and esteemed family, and she would have been sheltered and loved and taken care of her whole life. At least that’s what I think. When Darling gets pregnant, she receives very little attention anymore, but she knows that whatever this “baby” is, it makes her family happy. When she finally meets the baby boy, Lady starts to grow very fond of him. I admire her for that-it’s as if Lady is incapable of jealousy.
Then Aunt Sara comes along with her two fucking evil Siamese cats, turning Lady’s previously loving home to an abusive household. Aunt Sara treats Lady like absolute shit, but her Siamese cats are worse in every way. I mean, the lyrics to We Are Siamese If You Please are pure evil! They mention drowning and eating a fish, and planned on stealing milk from the baby. You know somebody is evil when they decide to steal milk from a baby. So Lady does the right thing and tries to kill the motherfucking bastards, overturning tables and breaking glass, but this proves futile when the twins pin the blame on Lady and Aunt Sara believes them.
So then Aunt Sara tries to get Lady a muzzle, and fuck it, that is the last straw. Lady runs off, muzzle still attached to her face, enters an alley, and lo and behold, gets pursued by a bunch of dog thugs. And of course, in movies, what do thugs do to girls when they see her defenseless in an alley? That’s right, they rape them, the fucking bastards. I read online that this could be interpreted as a sign that Lady was in heat, which the dog thugs could smell from miles away. I hate to think that way, though, because that’s like saying that Lady was asking to be fucked, like she was releasing pheromones for the sake of getting boned. No, no, no, I prefer to think of this scene as Lady being ridiculously unlucky to have been seen by a bunch of asshole dogs who only wanted to get laid.
The Tramp (hating the misogynistic allusion, but whatever) comes to the rescue, of course. Now, in my experience, most girls swoon for the Tramp. I honestly think he is sort of a bastard. He begs for food, breaks laws without a second thought, and hits on anything remotely female. I admire the fact that he did the right thing by saving Lady, but he only takes what he wants and leaves when things get bad. He explains to Lady that he has a home for every day of the week, and only visits when good food is presented to him. The Tramp does not care about the people who feed him, and I can’t respect him for that.
He is a gentleman, though, for taking Lady to an expensive Italian restaurant. The spaghetti scene is still the most perfect romantic scene in Disney history. Ever. I still remember the first time I watched it (when I was five, I think). I remember turning bright red with glee, and my big sister made fun of me for the rest of the week. Honestly, Lady had every right to fall in love with the Tramp in that moment. Giving up the last meatball is the highest form of love, I tell you. I would never give up the last meatball unless I am at gunpoint or I wanted to impress the girl I was head over heels in love with. Then they go for a romantic walk in the park, which was so cute I don’t even. I mean, I can see why Lady falls in love with the Tramp, but there were so many signs! Tony had already asked the Tramp to “settle down with this-a one, eh?”, which the Tramp explains to Lady that Tony’s “not a speak-a English pretty good”. That was a red flag, right there. Lady, you are not the only one he brought there! Think for a minute!
But of course, Lady is trusting and loving and doesn’t think, so in the next scene they wake up together, presumably after giving the Tramp her virginity (I’ll explain later). The Tramp tries to ask her to elope with him, but Lady decides to stay to “watch over the baby”.
On the way back to Lady’s, the Tramp pressures her into chasing chickens despite her misgivings about morals. This was probably the worst scene for the Tramp, because in an alternate universe if they were human, the Tramp would think that scaring a bunch of pregnant women and being the cause of miscarriages was funny. It is not, and Lady knew that. Unfortunately, Lady was the one who paid the price, and was captured and brought to the dog pound, or in the human world, juvie. There, she learned that she was just one of the Tramp’s many conquests, and even worse, that he was deemed a hero for those conquests (“what a dog!”). She returned home heartbroken and disgraced.
In the next scene, Trusty and Jock, her oldest and closest friends, approach Lady and ask for her hand in marriage. When I was little, I had no idea why. When I watched it last week, I realized that holy fuck Lady is pregnant with the Tramp’s kids and she needs to marry somebody to save her honour. I am going to skip the misogynistic comments, because I could write ten pages on how unfair sexism is. I am just going to say that this scene proves how loyal and caring Lady’s true friends are. They were willing to propose marriage to a “disgraced girl” because they cared about her and her wellbeing.
The Tramp comes to apologize but this proves useless since Lady has been disgraced, hurt, and lied to in the course of one day. She lashes out at the Tramp, claiming that she doesn’t care “if the Cossacks do pick [him] up” and that she does not need him to shelter and protect her. I’m proud of Lady for doing that, actually. She drove him away and was not as trusting anymore of his tactics, and did not forgive him despite his pretty face and lame compliments. Luckily, the Tramp has the chance to redeem himself when a rat appears and threatens the baby’s life. He wastes no time to kill the rat, but injures his paw in the fight, which makes it almost impossible for him to escape imprisonment. He risked his life and his freedom for Lady, and only then do we see that the Tramp actually has a good heart.
The next Christmas, Lady and the Tramp have a litter of puppies. That was an a-ha moment for me. Call me weird, but the first thing I thought of when I saw that was so they did get it on that night!
I regret nothing.
Personal enjoyment: 8/10
Feminist-pro: 5/10
Characters: 7/10
Positive impact: 9/10
Inspiration: 10/10
Music: 9/10
Mulan
Mulan, among other factors, is why I am proud to say that I am a full-fledged Chinese girl. When I was younger, I wanted to be just like her-brave, loyal, intelligent, cunning-and I beamed every time people told me that I reminded them of Mulan. I mean, what is not to love about her? She is smart, she is strong, and she exceeds societal expectations for both male and females. But what really got me was her love for her father-now that is what I call real love. Unlike many of the other Disney heroes and heroines, Mulan valued her family over her own well-being. She was willing to risk everything just to make sure that her father, a former war veteran, was safe at home.
Mulan is shown to be unrefined as a young lady, arriving late for her beautification session with hay in her hair and dirt on her face. She has a free spirit, contrary to what would be considered a “perfect girl” whose job was to be calm and obedient. She tries her best to look like a bride, evidently uncomfortable but still tolerating having everybody work on her hair and makeup and dress. I cringed when the shopkeepers hyper-tightened a sash around her waist, because god knows I have done that before and I never want to do it again. It was also hilarious seeing her fumble around with her umbrella when she was in line to see the matchmaker because that so reminds me of myself.
But as I said earlier, her love for her father is what made me respect her the most. She makes sure that her father follows the doctor’s orders for drinking tea, prays that he “keeps standing tall”, and best of all, goes to fucking war in his place. That scene was fucking intense. She switches her hair accessory with the conscription notice, cuts her own damn hair, and puts on her father’s armour with no hesitation. If my parents ever get into trouble like that, I think that my respect for Mulan would be the main reason why I would muster enough courage to step up and fight.
Now, the music. I can’t be unbiased because I grew up with this soundtrack. It’s quoted in my family at least once a week. Whenever my sisters and I have a huge exam or something, we always pump each other up by quoting Honour To Us All, which proved to be surprisingly effective. For instance, just hours before my organic chemistry exam, I got a text from my big sister saying that I “had to bring honour to the family” by scoring high. My final mark? A fucking 93%, bitches!
Then again, I still roll my eyes at some of the lyrics. For example: Men want girls with good taste / Calm, obedient, who work fast-paced / With good breeding and a tiny waist. Really? Calm and obedient? Most of the guys I know want spontaneous girls who know how to have fun-unless of course, they just want a Stepford wife, to which I won’t judge. I personally hate the calm and obedient type, always have, always will. The girls I like are confident and headstrong. Most work fast-paced, but that’s only because I like girls who work hard in general. And the tiny waist part? Fuck that: if you can make me laugh, blush, or go awww, you’re my type. The woman I like right now makes me blush just by looking at me, and she is stick-thin with not much of a defined waist. My best friend makes me laugh with every word she says, and she works her curves. And my closest friend loves hugs, and every time I see her I go awww: her waist is the last thing I think about when I see her.
On the other hand, Man Out Of You is and always had been my inspirational song. Whenever I am feeling weak and need a boost, this is the song I play. It’s a no-frills take-no-crap song which says you’re weak and pathetic but fuck you and fuck everybody I’ll make you a fucking man if it’s the last thing I do. And it makes me strong, man! I feel like I could transform into the Incredible Hulk every time I listen to it. Puny humans! The lyrics were off-putting sometimes, though. I mean, is being a man only about strength and physical ability? You must be swift as a coursing river / With all the force of a great typhoon / With all the strength of a raging fire / Mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Where does intelligence come into play? Even better, what good is being strong if you have no brains to use it? As much I want to believe it, I doubt that Mulan was physically stronger than the other men-I am convinced that she was as strong as they were, but stronger? Not likely. But Mulan’s intelligence was where she shone. Nobody in the camp could retrieve the arrow Shang shot up a pole. But Mulan thought outside the box and succeeded. Was she the strongest? I doubt it. Was she the most agile? Maybe. Was she the most determined? Very possible. Was she the most intelligent? Fuck yeah.
Which is another aspect I loved about Mulan. Out of all the Disney heroines, she probably thinks outside the box the most. I mean, who the fuck would use the last canon to shoot a fucking mountain? When I first saw that scene, my first reaction was holy shit how did you think of that so quickly? Shang’s army was tiny compared to that of Shan Yu’s, and Mulan was like let’s kill the Huns with a fucking mountain instead! Genius. Her three Stooges-Ling, Yao, and Chien-Po-definitely knew that she was a genius. They were ready to follow her to the death after the avalanche incident, even going as far as dressing up as concubines at her order. I loved how when they were disguised as women, the song Man Out Of You was playing in the background. It proved that being a woman, if used to one’s benign advantage, can be just as effective and strong as being a man. With the use of trickery and feminine cunning, they were able to outwit and outshine their enemies, which proved more effective than just plain boom boom pow of “manly” fistfights. That would have to be one of the high points of the movie for me (that and Yao’s does this dress make me look fat? comment).
Not to say that I do not admire physical strength and bravery. I mean, I have no respect for girls or boys who make other people hold all of their heavy bags. If it’s your thing, you fucking haul it up the stairs yourself, you fat lard. Sometimes I try to carry all of the heavy groceries out of the car and into the kitchen before my mom get to them because I don’t want her killing herself. Her reaction is to yell at me that she is not weak and can haul her own shit inside. That’s the kind of person I respect, the ones who are strong and do not need/want help from others.
Now on to my favourite Disney prince: Li Shang. To be honest, when I was younger, I never thought of him as attractive. Like Tarzan, I think that it is because he was not wearing a shirt half the time. It was only in Mulan II (definitely not as good as the first, not recommended) that I realized how fucking hot he was. The scene when his hair was not in a bun but soft on his shoulders was an a-ha moment for me-I was like I want you in my pants. I would become 100% heterosexual just for him, I swear to god. He’s strong, he’s composed, he’s determined, he’s amazing! And I am fucking convinced that he was gay for Ping, and not because his voice actor is also gay.
People say that the romance between Shang and Mulan was tacked on. I think that’s utter bullcrap. I had long believed that Shang liked Ping long before he realized that Ping was female. I mean, tough captain and cute but awkward boy soldier? Duh. Ping came to Shang’s attention from the start as a troublemaker, and he was the one who got yelled at most. Plus, at first, he was considered to be weakest and Shang had to give him extra attention, but eventually Ping improved his performances, and I fully believe that this impressed Shang to no end. Mulan’s For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great captain also made Shang pause in surprise, and even when I was younger I had a feeling that it meant that Shang had a mini-crush on Ping.
And then the incident with the avalanche. Isn’t that the most romantic scene ever? Mulan saves not only herself and her fellow soldiers, she also saves her very hot love interest. That moment where Mulan’s horse came to their rescue and Ping reaches her hand out for Shang was utter perfection. When I meet the girl of my dreams, I want to have least one moment where I act as the Knight In Shining Armor saving my own beautiful Damsel In Distress, just as a tribute to Mulan. I mean, the fact that Mulan actually saves the man makes me have more confidence in the world. When I was younger, this very scene made me realize that I didn’t need to wait for a man to save me-I could take matters into my own hands. (It was also the day my dad stopped killing the spiders for me.)
The fact that Shang acted like his world fell apart when he found out that Ping was Mulan in disguise also dictates my point. He liked Ping, but after finding out that Ping was actually Mulan, he was not sure if they were the same person anymore. I know for a fact that if I fell for a girl who turned out to be a guy, I would freak the fuck out. Same with Shang.
Mulan: Shang, I saw them in the mountains. You have to believe me.
Shang: Why should I?
Mulan: Why else would I come back? You said you’d trust Ping. Why is Mulan any different?
[Shang is silent and rides off]
I’m going to go right ahead and answer all three questions posed in this quote. Shang’s why should I? is a sign of his inner betrayal, because seriously, the man he trusted/crushed on turned out to be keeping the hugest secret from him. (I refuse to believe that it was because Mulan was a girl that made him distrust her, because that’s not cool). Continuing on, Mulan’s why else would I come back? is easily answered. She saw Huns, she had a very high sense of morality, she didn’t want people dying because she didn’t do anything, and she wanted to make sure that the man she liked was properly warned. And then Mulan’s why is Mulan any different? can be answered very obnoxiously by Shang: fuck you, I thought you were a guy, I went through all this sexual orientation confusion just to find myself accidentally heterosexual! Because as much as I don’t want to admit it, there is a difference between Mulan and Ping. Ping has a penis (or at least that’s the assumption). Mulan probably doesn’t. It takes less than a minute for me to wrap my head around that, but that is because I grew up in a lenient LGBT environment where I could easily hear phrases like when I used to be a girl or when I used to think I liked guys without seeing anything out of the ordinary. Shang probably didn’t, so I understand how shocked he was. My explanation is that his feelings were for Ping, and when Ping turned out to be Mulan in disguise, it made him feel like he had lost Ping forever. It is only after a blown-up palace and a ditzy emperor (“you don’t meet a girl like that in every dynasty”) that he comes to realize that they in fact are the same person. One just has a penis and the other one a vagina.
So yes, for those who believe that this romance was added just for the purpose of having a romance, watch the movie again and prepare to be amazed at the pseudo-homoerotic subtext.
And now, for a good ol’ bashing, is Chi-Fu, who has got to be the most annoying character ever to be seen on a Disney screen. He’s pompous, judgmental, and an all-around bitch (notice how I didn’t use my usual term asshole because honestly, bitch describes him a lot better). He’s proud of his job, up to the point of obsessiveness-the picture of him and the emperor when Crickee who was typing the fake war letter made me laugh so hard. I even hate Chi-Fu more than I hate Gaston from Beauty & The Beast. For two reasons. One, he actually physically mistreats Mulan once he found out she was a girl (“Treacherous snake!”). You don’t throw a person to the ground due to sexism, especially when they are wounded. And two, he didn’t die but he should’ve. And here’s why:
Shang: She’s a hero!
Chi-Fu: She’s a woman! She’ll never be worth anything!
Oh, you did not! Fuck you, Chi-Fu! The only thing I loved about his character was that his name literally means to irritate/annoy in Chinese. How fucking fitting!
And lastly, Shan Yu. Holy shit, did he creep me out. Who the hell can have yellow eyes and not be scary? He is like the epiphany of utter terror to me, because not only is he cruel and sociopathic, he is fucking smart too. Oh my god, super villain alert, perhaps? The one scene that totally freaked me out was this:
after letting two messengers go
Shan Yu: How many men does it take to relay a message to the emperor?
Minion: One
[shoots an arrow in the messengers’ direction]
Holy shit, do I see a psycho or do I see a psycho? That guy has no goodness in him at all! I think he should have died a lot less extravagantly, though. I mean, getting blown up by fireworks is terrifying but it really did not suit the darkness of Shan Yu. Then again, one could think of his death as The Colorful Fireworks defeating The Dark Badass Shan Yu, like a metaphor for light and darkness. I did not really like it, though. To me, the audience just sat there and did nothing while Mulan just fought the bastard on the roof by her fucking self and blew him up with fireworks.
So I rest my case. Mulan is perfection in the form of a human. She proved to be as strong as any man, and had fighting skills worthy of any soldier. She also retains her feminine politeness and composure, and uses feminine trickery to her advantage. Not only that, she is kind-hearted, modest, and loyal to her family. Thus, I believe that everybody, male or female, should look to her as the most perfect role model.
Personal enjoyment: 10/10
Feminist-pro: 11/10 (fuck yeah)
Characters: 10/10
Positive impact: 10/10
Inspiration: 10/10
Music: 10/10
Treasure Planet
Saving the best for last, of course. Treasure Planet is probably the greatest and most underrated Disney films of all time. It is also considered Disney’s biggest financial flop, which breaks my heart more than it should. I mean, seriously, they made a movie that had ships that sail in space. What is more badass than that?
This movie is based on Robert Louis Stevenson’s very influential Treasure Island except it becomes high-tech. Which is fucking awesome, if you ask me. Instead of ships that sailed on water, they fucking flew in space with rocket-ship engines. And instead of hurricanes and stormy seas, there was a star that exploded and later went fucking supernova. And instead of an island with buried treasure, there was a fucking planet that was fucking made of fucking treasure. I don’t know about you, but the fact that this whole movie occurs in outer space gives it an automatic fuck yeah! in my book.
Let me start with the music, because that is what I first noticed about it. In fact, I’m listening to I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) right now, which makes it the hundredth time that it has been played on my computer (no joke-I have already screenshotted it for proof). Because of this movie, I am now obsessed with the Goo Goo Dolls. I listen to this song whenever I’m down, when I’m happy, when I’m nervous, everywhere, I swear to god. Just last week, I wrote down all the lyrics by memory to prepare myself for my organic chemistry final. And dammit, I aced that final, and I am convinced that this song has something to do with it. That is how much I love this song. I owe a lot of my alleviated anxieties to this song, no joke.
Not to say that the rest of the Treasure Planet soundtrack is not astounding. In fact, I would put it next to the Lord Of The Rings soundtrack in terms of beauty (Lord Of The Rings only wins because it has music to epic fight scenes that Treasure Planet lacks due to the fact that it is a damn children’s movie). I love 12 Years Later because its contrast, as well as The Map because of how eerie the beginning is, as well as Ben because of its inherent goofiness, and of course Jim Saves The Crew in which Jim does in fact save the crew. The music fits extremely well with the whole movie as a whole, and I love the leitmotifs that are used throughout (sorry, geeky music talk).
So yes, this is an order, listen to this damn soundtrack. If you don’t have it, contact me and I’ll send you the mp3 files. Fuck it, I’d give you all of my Disney soundtracks if you asked. They are like my guilty pleasures of music.
Now you may be wondering about this “Jim” I’m talking about. His name is Jim Hawkins, and this movie is, in a nutshell, all about how he grew from being a teenaged outcast to a well-adjusted respected young man. He is a young little kid when the movie starts, and it is shown that he is entranced with pirates and the pirate life (he read from a holographic book-ugh, fuck you, Jim, I want a holographic book!). Little Jim is so cute, I wanted to pinch his cheeks. However, this cute little thing does not last, as it is seen later that after his father let, he became a bitter fifteen-year-old rebel who windsurfed in restricted areas and was on the brink of being thrown to Juvenile Hall. And by the way, windsurfing in this movie is basically skateboarding except he’s flying. Fucking awesome!
Jim is great, but I hated his personality at the beginning. His mother was stressed as it was, and all he did was add to her stress. He has no right to do that to her. She raised him and ran her business all by her fucking self. If anything, he should be helping her in every way he could, not running around causing trouble for everybody. Sure, your father left when you were young, but that’s all the more reason to make sure your mother is okay. My best friend’s father is hardly ever at home, and all my best friend does is worry about her mother-she’s pretty much the breadwinner now. Jim would do well to follow in her footsteps. But no! What does he do? He windsurfs in places he knows he is not allowed in, gets in trouble with the cops, and almost gets thrown in jail. Great way of support to your mother, Jim. Not only that: whilst getting his hands on the map to Treasure Planet, the only thing he has to say is I want to set things right. My ass! All you want is a fucking adventure away from your home! Your mother’s business just burned down, and all you can think about is finding a treasure that may or may not be out there. If you wanted to set things right, you could, I don’t know, help your mother get back on her feet like her good-for-nothing husband should have done but didn’t? You left her all alone, and that makes you no better than your father who left you!
Okay, end of rant. As you can see, family means a lot to me.
Continuing on, Jim Hawkins has the chance to embark on an adventure to find Treasure Planet. This leads him to a ship, a crew, and my favourite character, Captain Amelia. Oh my god, Captain Amelia is my heroine and Disney role model. She is brave, intelligent, headstrong, proper, and still oozes of femininity (of course, she is half-feline). Her entrance is flawless. She shows that she is boss, and she even makes the rebellious Jim call her ma’am. Dude, if I had half of what she had, I would have half my lab group bowing down to me. Plus, she always plays a part in saving the day, even when she is wounded lethally. Even better, unlike most secondary female roles, she does not play a huge romantic part in the movie, and her romance with Doctor Doppler is mostly implied (though of course, they have children at the end). I will talk about Doctor Doppler later on.
She also had an inkling that her crew was shitty as shit could be-“a ludicrous parcel of drivelling galoots”-which was true considering that they were all murderous pirates also in search of Treasure Planet. This brings us to the entrance of Silver, based on Long John Silver of the original novel. Now, Silver is known for his ambiguous morality. After saving Jim from a deadly brawl with the Spider Psycho (one of the pirate crew members), Jim starts to trust him and they eventually form the father-son relationship that Jim had always wanted in his life (this scene is set to I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme), which makes it my favourite). However, Silver himself is the leader of the pirates, and he dedicated his life to finding Treasure Planet no matter how many people he killed in the process. I did not really like Silver as a character, and I really do not think that Jim should have idolized him as much as he did, but the animators did a fantastic job in his characterization nonetheless. He acted like a complete fool of a cook who swaggered and cursed all over the place, while deep down he was as ruthless as any pirate leader should be. Sure, he was the antagonist, and sure, he hurt people in his quest for gold, but ultimately he chooses to save Jim’s life instead of obtaining treasure, which makes him a hero in my eyes. And the best part about Silver? Morph.
Oh. My. God. Morph. I love Morph. I want a Morph so badly. He is so cute. Well, Long John Silver had a parrot; Silver in Treasure Planet had Morph, a little pink blob that I just want to cuddle up and hug and squeeze forever and ever. Morph morphed, of course. He could transform himself into anything, everything from a complete miniature version of Jim to a custard pie. (My favourite was when he morphed into Captain Amelia and made fun of her bossy attitude towards Silver). He is also shown to have feelings, such as when Silver started yelling at Jim for not handing over the map. This scares Morph from his master and he chooses to hang out with Jim and is heartbroken that his master snapped at him like that. I was like aw you poor little baby.
I have to write a paragraph about the relationship between Jim and Silver because that makes up almost eighty percent of the whole story. Jim wanted a father figure in his life (I find that understandable but also revolting because he already had a mother who loved him, which is more than a lot of people can say) to replace the hole that his own father left when he fucking walked out on his family. Silver, at first, only wanted to keep the “little whelp” out of trouble with the rest of the pirate members because he knew that Jim was smart enough to find out about their imminent mutiny. Later on, though, he comes to realize that Jim was something really special, and the speech he gives Jim when the boy was blamed for Mr. Arrow’s death (not Jim’s fault, by the way) is the most inspirational speech that I have ever heard. Fuck it, I’m quoting it:
“Now you listen to me, James Hawkins. You got the makings of greatness in you, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course! Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes, you'll get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of! And, well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day.”
It’s breathtaking. I know it by heart. Whenever I am feeling down, I recite this to myself and I am alright again. So evidently, when Jim realizes that Silver is part of a mutinous crew, he is heartbroken. You know that phrase I thought we had something special? Perfect application right here. But it is obvious that although Silver was a bloodthirsty pirate, he genuinely cared for Jim. He had plenty of opportunities to kill him but he didn’t. And between choosing treasure and Jim, he chose Jim. He ultimately becomes a hero, and this regains Jim’s trust in him. So when he wants to escape from being hanged for being a pirate, Jim decides to help. When Silver asks Jim to join him on his adventures, Jim refuses because he wanted to “chart his own course.” So instead, Silver leaves him with Morph (oh my god, best gift ever if you ask me) and they part on great terms in the end. Fuck it, another quote from Silver:
Why, look at you, glowing like a solar fire. You're something special, Jim. You're gonna rattle the stars, you are!
I swear, if I ever get a tattoo, I’m going to make it say I’m going to rattle the stars because that’s what I want to do someday: take the helm and chart my own course.
So even if I found Jim to be sort of a spoiled little brat, I guess I understood why he acted the way he did. After all, all teenagers are mopey and whiney at one point or another. Ultimately, with Silver’s guidance, Jim decides to indeed chart his own course and create his own future, and he goes home a better man. On the plus side, Jim Hawkins is positively the cutest hero in any Disney movie I have ever seen. If I were ever to date a guy based on appearance, I want him to look just like Jim. I think what really got me was the fact that he had a rattail. Most people think they look gross, but I have fallen in love with rattails ever since I saw the resemblance between those and Padawan braids. I swear, when I cut my hair short, I am leaving a strand of hair on the right side of my hair just to walk the earth feeling like a Jedi Padawan-who the fuck does not want to be a Jedi Padawan?
And of course, I need to write about Doctor Doppler because I love his character and I love his voice actor, David Hyde Pierce (also plays Niles in one of my favourite sitcoms Frasier). He is described as a neurotic and awkward astronomer who is accident-prone and clumsy but highly intelligent-pretty much the typical socially awkward nerd who stammers and stutters and makes a complete ass of himself half the time. For me, he made up most of the much-appreciated comic relief, and I have to say that my favourite quote from the whole movie was:
Dang it, Jim. I'm an astronomer, not a doctor! I mean, I am a doctor, but I'm not that kind of doctor. I have a doctorate, it's not the same thing. You can't help people with a doctorate. You just sit there and you're useless!
Because honestly? It’s true, you really can’t help people with just a doctorate. You need courage, bravery, and inherent intelligence, all of which Doctor Doppler had. Besides, Doppler reminded me a lot of my own dad because he stuttered and had such an awkward disposition all the time. This embarrassed Jim Hawkins a lot, but I found it adorable since it reminded me of all the times when my own dad tried so hard to make everything fun for me (most of the time, he succeeded).
And the best part about Doctor Doppler? He had amazing taste in women, in particular Captain Amelia. Sure, they got off on the wrong foot-Captain Amelia thought he was an idiot while Doctor Doppler thought she was arrogant-but in the end they managed to find respect for each other. In addition, the animators also thought of adding a scene that implied that Doctor Doppler had the children and not Captain Amelia, transcending the idea of traditional childbirth. It is a shame that it was not added in the end (apparently it was “too weird” for a children’s movie) because I am all for male pregnancy. I mean, if male pregnancy was possible, gay couples would not need to kill themselves with all the adoption procedures and surrogacy, and heterosexual women who don’t want to go through childbirth could just point to their husbands and say dude, I had the first baby, it’s your turn.
Overall, this movie is amazing but may not appeal to everybody. I myself am a huge sci-fi freak, so the whole ships in space idea pretty much sealed the deal for me. But on top of that, there is great music (albeit a bit cheesy), a strong female character who does more than fall in love, a young boy who finds his way in life, pirates who creep the shit out of me, and the cutest animal sidekick ever to be on a Disney movie. To me, this movie is my favourite Disney animation, tied with The Lion King and Mulan. Such a shame that not that many people even know about it.
Personal enjoyment: 10/10
Feminist-pro: 10/10
Characters: 10/10
Positive impact: 10/10
Inspiration: 10/10
Music: 10/10