A Shadow Of A Life Worth Living
Title: A Shadow Of A Life Worth Living
Pairing(s): QMi, side!KangTeuk
Genre(s): Romance, sci-fi, psychological
Length: 3133 words
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In which Kyuhyun is a shadow.
Inspiration(s): I think I was just walking down a sidewalk and all of sudden I got the realization that holy shit, I have a shadow, woah! So yah. What I wanted to get at here is life has meaning if it makes an impact-a shadow.
```
i.
This is a simple story about a man who found meaning in his life. This man was Zhou Mi, and he was what most people would consider extremely attractive-all long limbs, gentleman ethics, and charismatic smiles. He was the type of person who opened doors for others, who offered away his seat on the subway even when he was deadbeat exhausted, who spared a dollar or two at every passing hobo.
Zhou Mi worked evening shifts as a bartender in a sketchy yet popular pub. He enjoyed the occupation enough. It paid the bills, granted the advantage of sneaking a quick drink on the job, and exposed him to many different types of people who needed a third party to talk to. The last of the three job perks was the most rewarding. He had lost count on how many people who came to talk to him about their issues with self-harm, long-term relationships, and so forth. Twice he had people come back to thank him for talking them out of their suicidal plans, and once in a blue moon a frequent would come by and introduce him to his ex-girlfriend-turned-fiancée.
The bartender loved feeling as if he had done something right. It was addicting just how great it felt to see the happiness on a previously miserable person’s face and know that he played a part in it. He would like to believe that he did these kinds of things for the benefit of others, but in truth he did them for himself. Because he liked feeling real when everything else seemed to lose its tangibility.
It was not always like that. Zhou Mi used to be totally oblivious to the inner mechanics of what constituted his life. He woke up at eight o’clock, made himself breakfast, ran errands, ate lunch, went shopping, ate dinner, worked at the bar until midnight, walked home, and went to sleep. He always had food on his table, nice clothes to pick out from his wardrobe, and a good seven hours of sleep every night. It was a satisfying life, but Zhou Mi eventually came to realize that it wasn’t a life.
ii.
Zhou Mi met Kyuhyun on his way home from work. It was dark, no stars, the only lights coming from several of the neighboring building windows and the idle streetlamps. He ambled down the shady sidewalks, hands in his pockets as he breathed in the cool night air. He was disconcerted that night, having heard half the life story of a boy in his early twenties named Jungsu whose boyfriend had started taking heroine and crystal meth.
He could not wipe out the desperately pained look on that young man’s face as he confided all of his worries to the third party, unable to depend on anybody else. “My parents hated him in the first place,” he explained dolefully over a Long Island Iced Tea. “And every one of my friends wants nothing to do with a drug addict. Can’t say that I totally blame them, but I love Youngwoon. I can’t just turn away when he needs me now more than ever.”
Zhou Mi sighed, pulling the coat around him tighter as he registered that there was white vapor coming out of his mouth.
And from the corner of his eye, there was movement. At first he only stopped and glanced around. However, when another flicker of something not seen appeared in his peripheral vision, he spun a whole three-hundred-sixty degrees, turning his head this way and that but was met with nothing. “Hello?” he called out cautiously. “Who’s there?”
Only the buzzing of the nearby generator replied.
Zhou Mi sighed and chuckled at his foolishness. He looked down at his shoes and froze. Because instead of one black extension rooted from his feet, there were two at right angles to each other. And one of them was moving on its own accord, swaying this way and that. “Oh my god, I must be exhausted.”
Then hurry home and sleep.
Zhou Mi could only see the outline of the black figure on the sidewalk floor but somehow he knew where that voice came from. “Oh my god, did my shadow just talk to me?”
I’m not your shadow.
“Oh my god, it did!”
The two-dimensional man shook his head, irritated. I’m not your shadow.
“Then what are you?”
My name is Kyuhyun. Cho Kyuhyun.
Zhou Mi raised an eyebrow. “Shadows have names?”
Everything has a name, the shadow answered, swaying a little bit. Well, everything real.
“Are you real?”
I have a name. Besides, you’re talking to me, aren’t you?
The bartender rolled his eyes. “But I can’t touch you.”
Not all real things are touchable.
“Then how can you prove that you aren’t a figure of my imagination?”
I can’t. The shaded figure shrugged nonchalantly.
The conversation ended there, and Zhou Mi arrived home wondering if he had become mentally ill at some point in time.
iii.
Zhou Mi saw Jungsu come in the next evening, and the evening after that, and many evenings later, looking even worse than the days before. It came to the point where Zhou Mi would immediately start to prepare one of the strongest drinks he knew as soon as a tuft of blond hair emerged from behind the door hinges.
“I have no idea what to do,” the poor man groaned. “He’s getting worse. The policemen found him lying in a dumpster with cut marks on his wrists.” The blond buried his head in his arms. “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?”
And unlike all the other relationship problems he had dealt with, Zhou Mi had no idea what to say, and guilt ate up at him as he watched Jungsu continue to order drink after drink, eventually passing out on the countertop, red-faced and tear-stained. Zhou Mi ended up calling a taxi driver and paying for the man’s ride home, and the guilt in his heart ate at him long after his shift ended.
It’s not your fault, you know.
“Yah, but he’s depending on me to say something,” Zhou Mi sighed as he glanced at the extra black outline lying at his feet. “And I didn’t.”
You owe him nothing.
“Maybe. But it sure feels like I do.”
Jungsu is an idiot if he thinks that Youngwoon deserves him.
“Don’t say that. Anybody who is able to love is worthy of being loved back.”
Yah, say that when you see him totally stoned and twitchy.
Zhou Mi scoffed, thinking back to the photo of the big smiley man that Jungsu kept safe in his wallet. “You’re a cynical shadow. I didn’t know shadows could be cynical.”
What did you expect shadows to be? the figure placed his hands on his hips, staring up at his correspondent with his invisible eyes.
“Hmm, I don’t know, silent?”
Touché.
Zhou Mi laughed, his heart lifting.
iv.
Jungsu came by once again, this time to thank Zhou Mi for the taxi ride home. He was looking even more despondent than ever, and the guilt eating at the bartender’s conscious increased as the blond continued to apologize for all the trouble he caused him. “I’m so sorry that I’m so out of it,” the guy moaned. “I’ve tried to talk to Kangin, but he was stoned out of his mind and he just didn’t listen and, and-”
You really shouldn’t feel guilty about something that is not your problem.
Zhou Mi glowered at his feet. “It is my problem, though. He’s pouring his whole heart out to me. I feel like I should do something.”
You already do.
“No I don’t.”
Fine, then just tell him to dump the guy, the two-dimensional figure ran his hand through his two-dimensional curly hair. The jackass certainly deserves it.
“No, I can’t do that. Maybe if I talk to Kangin personally-”
Jesus Christ, Zhou Mi, what is it with you and doing good all the time? Most people hear other peoples’ sob stories, feel bad for two minutes, and then just get on with their lives, you know.
Zhou Mi stopped walking and let out an explosive sigh. “I’d lose any resolve to live in general.”
Are you serious? Do you really think you’re that worthless?
“It’s not that I think that I’m worthless. It’s just that if I can’t do good, then I can’t do anything. I like having something to live for. Everybody does.”
Kyuhyun stayed silent, pensive.
Then a smile graced Zhou Mi’s lips as he resumed walking home. “You know, I’ve spent a month and a half talking to you and I still have not asked you how I am able to communicate with you. You’re a shadow-you only exist because I’m opaque and light is shining on me.”
Actually, you only exist because I exist. Most people don’t know that because they’re too self-absorbed.
“I don’t understand. Shadows are dependent on those who cast them.”
Wrong concept. Shadows are not necessarily physical. Things are real if and only if they cast a shadow. People casts shadows, objects cast shadows, human thoughts cast shadows.
“Okay. Well, then, can you explain the shadow-human communication part?”
That I don’t know. I only know that it will be temporary.
“Temporary?” A wave of sadness washed over the bartender. “When are you leaving?”
When the time is right, I guess. I don’t know.
Zhou Mi smiled bitterly, fishing out his keys as his apartment came into view. “That’s too bad. You were probably the only best friend I have ever had.”
Kyuhyun sighed and placed a hand on Zhou Mi’s shadow’s shoulder.
v.
Youngwoon turned out to be a lot skinnier than the big smiley man Zhou Mi saw in Jungsu’s photo. Skinnier and a lot more tired. “Brandy, please. Add some vodka in it if you can.”
Zhou Mi hesitated for a moment before carrying out his order. “Bad day?”
“Bad doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
“So what’s up? Boss sacked you? Got into an argument with your parents?” Zhou Mi looked at his customer from under his eyelashes. “Relationship problem?”
“All of the above. It’s messy. You wouldn’t want to hear about it.”
“Maybe not,” the bartender chirped, wiping off the counter. “But you definitely need to let it all out, and trust me, I am one hundred percent psychologist material but free of charge, so hit me.”
Youngwoon quirked a half-smile. “You know that feeling where you do something behind somebody else’s back and they found out and try to help but you can’t stop even you wanted to?”
“Elaborate.”
“I did something completely stupid,” he explained with a weary shake of his head. “And now I can’t stop. It’s hurting everybody. I lost my job, my parents threw me out, and to top it all off my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.”
“Okay, let’s focus on the last thing you said. You claim that your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to you?”
Youngwoon deflated. “Well, it’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s just that he can’t anymore. Every time he sees me, he just, I don’t know, dies. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves for good.”
“And what are you doing to make it better?” Zhou Mi asked.
When his customer shrugged, Zhou Mi put down the glass cup he was wiping and turned an icy stare at him. “Then what are you doing here? Go and make it better.”
“I can’t.”
“Do you want him to leave you?”
“Of course not!” Youngwoon retorted. “I would do anything to make him stay.”
“Then make him stay. Make things right again. Fix things.”
“I already told you. I can’t.”
Zhou Mi leaned forward over the countertop and gave Youngwoon his most meaningful glare. “Do you love the guy?”
“Yes.”
“And is the reason you’re in this predicament in any way your boyfriend’s fault?”
“No, it had nothing to do with him!” Youngwoon’s eyes flared in protectiveness.
“Then you will make it right. Do you understand me? If you love him, you either take the easy way out and make him leave before he gets hurt, or you toughen up and fix the situation no matter how long it takes.”
Youngwoon finished his drink, paid, and left without another word.
“Do you think I was too hard on him?” Zhou Mi asked on his walk back home.
Nah, the guy deserved a tongue lashing.
“I hope he listened to me.”
I hope you listened to me when I told you that the thing between Jungsu and Youngwoon is not your problem, but hey, tough luck for me.
Zhou Mi chuckled, realizing in the back of his mind that nobody had ever made him laugh as often. He looked down at his extra shadow. “You know, Kyuhyun, if you weren’t a shadow, I’d probably ask you to marry me.”
Well then, it’s a good thing that I’m a shadow, ain’t it?
The sardonic comment made Zhou Mi laugh and laugh and laugh.
vi.
“He checked himself into rehab yesterday” was the first thing Jungsu said the next time he came over for a drink, and it was probably the sweetest six-word phrase that Zhou Mi had ever heard in his life.
And for the first time in months, Zhou Mi walked back home with a lilt in his gait. “I have to thank you, Kyuhyun.”
What the hell for?
“For walking me back home to my doorstep every night like a protective boyfriend.”
Bite me.
Zhou Mi laughed hollowly. “You’re leaving soon, aren’t you?”
How did you know?
Zhou Mi smiled sadly, looking down at his feet where the two shadows’ shoulders were overlapped. “Every day our shadows get closer and closer together. You disappear tonight, ‘the moment the clock strikes twelve’, to put it allegorically?”
Kyuhyun placed his hands into his pockets, guilty as charged. For somebody so frivolous, you can be quite perceptive.
Zhou Mi laughed quietly. “I work as a bartender. Being perceptive is part of the job description.” His eyes clouded. “Were you going to say goodbye to me, at least?”
No, the shadow replied, shaking his head.
The bartender sighed. “Well, you have no choice now, don’t you?”
Guess not, Kyuhyun relented.
And so he stood there, in front of his doorstep, and watched as Kyuhyun’s form start to merge with his shadow. Just before the last of his head disappeared, Kyuhyun uttered out a very faint goodbye before he disappeared and was gone forever. Zhou Mi stood there until morning, wondering if all of this was nothing but a dream.
Unreal.
vii.
Years later, Zhou Mi stayed the same. He was still what most people would consider extremely attractive-all long limbs, gentleman ethics, and charismatic smiles. He was still the type of person who helped little old ladies (and gentlemen) cross the street, who climbed up trees to rescue the poor little kitties, who donated a piece or two to every good cause that came his way.
He still worked evening shifts as a bartender in the same pub, and he still gave free but valuable advice to those in need. Youngwoon went on to graduate from rehab-notwithstanding the several suicide attempts and emotional rebounds-and stayed clean for the rest of his life for the sake of his beloved. He and Jungsu eventually moved in together and raised a son, creating the not-quite-but-still-perfect family that they had always dreamed of having.
And Zhou Mi still craved feeling as if he had done something right, something real to prove that he was not a walking meat suit amongst millions of other meat suits.
The only thing that changed about the bartender was the fact that every day as he walked home from work, he would look down at his shoes, hoping in vain to see the extra black extension on the sidewalk, the one that gave him advice and offered him the tangibility he sought.
viii.
Zhou Mi met Kyuhyun on the job.
“A martini, please,” a voice from behind ordered.
Zhou Mi turned around and took in the skinny figure and dark curly hair and melancholic eyes before reaching towards the shelves to find the gin and vermouth. “Olive or lemon twist?” the bartender asked, never taking his eyes off of his customer.
“Lemon twist, please.”
The drink was finished in a record thirty seconds and served promptly. “I have never seen you around here before. You new in town?”
“Not really,” a half-smirk graced the other’s lips. “I just turned legal, that’s all.”
“That’s always great news,” Zhou Mi laughed. “I’m Zhou Mi, by the way.”
“Kyuhyun.”
And Zhou Mi’s world stopped. “Your last name wouldn’t by any chance be Cho, would it?”
“How did you know that?” Kyuhyun raised a suspicious eyebrow.
Zhou Mi glanced at the shadow trailing behind his new customer and his eyes brightened. “Just a hunch.”
Kyuhyun became a regular soon enough, always dropping in every other evening after his classes were done. Zhou Mi learned many odd facts that were dropped here and there. Kyuhyun was a math major in the local university with no plans or ideas of what to do with his degree. He hated dried fruit and dealing with acne scars. He got into a car accident a few months before and got an ugly scar on his stomach as a result. He loved singing but sucked at dancing. He was a loner at heart. He once had a goldfish that died when he wanted to be a nice person and shared his orange juice. He was addicted to StarCraft. He liked cynical remarks. And so on.
A few weeks later, Kyuhyun finally leaned forward and captured the caught-off-guard bartender’s lips into one of the clumsiest and yet best kisses Zhou Mi had ever had. They moved in together after months of serious dating, and fell a little more in love as every day passed. And sometimes they took walks down the streets with only the streetlamps to light their way, Zhou Mi would look towards the ground where Kyuhyun’s shadowy extension lay beside his own, and his heart would swell into an indescribable happiness.
Because even if nothing else in his life was real, this was, that it was enough.
ix.
This is the part where something along the lines of The End should appear to draw a defining line, but honestly those two words never occur in this story as a whole because it keeps going. The story does not end here, and it never will.
Because finding the meaning of life is only the beginning:
Once upon a time, Zhou Mi realized that his life was worth living.
Pairing(s): QMi, side!KangTeuk
Genre(s): Romance, sci-fi, psychological
Length: 3133 words
Rating: PG-13
Summary: In which Kyuhyun is a shadow.
Inspiration(s): I think I was just walking down a sidewalk and all of sudden I got the realization that holy shit, I have a shadow, woah! So yah. What I wanted to get at here is life has meaning if it makes an impact-a shadow.
```
i.
This is a simple story about a man who found meaning in his life. This man was Zhou Mi, and he was what most people would consider extremely attractive-all long limbs, gentleman ethics, and charismatic smiles. He was the type of person who opened doors for others, who offered away his seat on the subway even when he was deadbeat exhausted, who spared a dollar or two at every passing hobo.
Zhou Mi worked evening shifts as a bartender in a sketchy yet popular pub. He enjoyed the occupation enough. It paid the bills, granted the advantage of sneaking a quick drink on the job, and exposed him to many different types of people who needed a third party to talk to. The last of the three job perks was the most rewarding. He had lost count on how many people who came to talk to him about their issues with self-harm, long-term relationships, and so forth. Twice he had people come back to thank him for talking them out of their suicidal plans, and once in a blue moon a frequent would come by and introduce him to his ex-girlfriend-turned-fiancée.
The bartender loved feeling as if he had done something right. It was addicting just how great it felt to see the happiness on a previously miserable person’s face and know that he played a part in it. He would like to believe that he did these kinds of things for the benefit of others, but in truth he did them for himself. Because he liked feeling real when everything else seemed to lose its tangibility.
It was not always like that. Zhou Mi used to be totally oblivious to the inner mechanics of what constituted his life. He woke up at eight o’clock, made himself breakfast, ran errands, ate lunch, went shopping, ate dinner, worked at the bar until midnight, walked home, and went to sleep. He always had food on his table, nice clothes to pick out from his wardrobe, and a good seven hours of sleep every night. It was a satisfying life, but Zhou Mi eventually came to realize that it wasn’t a life.
ii.
Zhou Mi met Kyuhyun on his way home from work. It was dark, no stars, the only lights coming from several of the neighboring building windows and the idle streetlamps. He ambled down the shady sidewalks, hands in his pockets as he breathed in the cool night air. He was disconcerted that night, having heard half the life story of a boy in his early twenties named Jungsu whose boyfriend had started taking heroine and crystal meth.
He could not wipe out the desperately pained look on that young man’s face as he confided all of his worries to the third party, unable to depend on anybody else. “My parents hated him in the first place,” he explained dolefully over a Long Island Iced Tea. “And every one of my friends wants nothing to do with a drug addict. Can’t say that I totally blame them, but I love Youngwoon. I can’t just turn away when he needs me now more than ever.”
Zhou Mi sighed, pulling the coat around him tighter as he registered that there was white vapor coming out of his mouth.
And from the corner of his eye, there was movement. At first he only stopped and glanced around. However, when another flicker of something not seen appeared in his peripheral vision, he spun a whole three-hundred-sixty degrees, turning his head this way and that but was met with nothing. “Hello?” he called out cautiously. “Who’s there?”
Only the buzzing of the nearby generator replied.
Zhou Mi sighed and chuckled at his foolishness. He looked down at his shoes and froze. Because instead of one black extension rooted from his feet, there were two at right angles to each other. And one of them was moving on its own accord, swaying this way and that. “Oh my god, I must be exhausted.”
Then hurry home and sleep.
Zhou Mi could only see the outline of the black figure on the sidewalk floor but somehow he knew where that voice came from. “Oh my god, did my shadow just talk to me?”
I’m not your shadow.
“Oh my god, it did!”
The two-dimensional man shook his head, irritated. I’m not your shadow.
“Then what are you?”
My name is Kyuhyun. Cho Kyuhyun.
Zhou Mi raised an eyebrow. “Shadows have names?”
Everything has a name, the shadow answered, swaying a little bit. Well, everything real.
“Are you real?”
I have a name. Besides, you’re talking to me, aren’t you?
The bartender rolled his eyes. “But I can’t touch you.”
Not all real things are touchable.
“Then how can you prove that you aren’t a figure of my imagination?”
I can’t. The shaded figure shrugged nonchalantly.
The conversation ended there, and Zhou Mi arrived home wondering if he had become mentally ill at some point in time.
iii.
Zhou Mi saw Jungsu come in the next evening, and the evening after that, and many evenings later, looking even worse than the days before. It came to the point where Zhou Mi would immediately start to prepare one of the strongest drinks he knew as soon as a tuft of blond hair emerged from behind the door hinges.
“I have no idea what to do,” the poor man groaned. “He’s getting worse. The policemen found him lying in a dumpster with cut marks on his wrists.” The blond buried his head in his arms. “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?”
And unlike all the other relationship problems he had dealt with, Zhou Mi had no idea what to say, and guilt ate up at him as he watched Jungsu continue to order drink after drink, eventually passing out on the countertop, red-faced and tear-stained. Zhou Mi ended up calling a taxi driver and paying for the man’s ride home, and the guilt in his heart ate at him long after his shift ended.
It’s not your fault, you know.
“Yah, but he’s depending on me to say something,” Zhou Mi sighed as he glanced at the extra black outline lying at his feet. “And I didn’t.”
You owe him nothing.
“Maybe. But it sure feels like I do.”
Jungsu is an idiot if he thinks that Youngwoon deserves him.
“Don’t say that. Anybody who is able to love is worthy of being loved back.”
Yah, say that when you see him totally stoned and twitchy.
Zhou Mi scoffed, thinking back to the photo of the big smiley man that Jungsu kept safe in his wallet. “You’re a cynical shadow. I didn’t know shadows could be cynical.”
What did you expect shadows to be? the figure placed his hands on his hips, staring up at his correspondent with his invisible eyes.
“Hmm, I don’t know, silent?”
Touché.
Zhou Mi laughed, his heart lifting.
iv.
Jungsu came by once again, this time to thank Zhou Mi for the taxi ride home. He was looking even more despondent than ever, and the guilt eating at the bartender’s conscious increased as the blond continued to apologize for all the trouble he caused him. “I’m so sorry that I’m so out of it,” the guy moaned. “I’ve tried to talk to Kangin, but he was stoned out of his mind and he just didn’t listen and, and-”
You really shouldn’t feel guilty about something that is not your problem.
Zhou Mi glowered at his feet. “It is my problem, though. He’s pouring his whole heart out to me. I feel like I should do something.”
You already do.
“No I don’t.”
Fine, then just tell him to dump the guy, the two-dimensional figure ran his hand through his two-dimensional curly hair. The jackass certainly deserves it.
“No, I can’t do that. Maybe if I talk to Kangin personally-”
Jesus Christ, Zhou Mi, what is it with you and doing good all the time? Most people hear other peoples’ sob stories, feel bad for two minutes, and then just get on with their lives, you know.
Zhou Mi stopped walking and let out an explosive sigh. “I’d lose any resolve to live in general.”
Are you serious? Do you really think you’re that worthless?
“It’s not that I think that I’m worthless. It’s just that if I can’t do good, then I can’t do anything. I like having something to live for. Everybody does.”
Kyuhyun stayed silent, pensive.
Then a smile graced Zhou Mi’s lips as he resumed walking home. “You know, I’ve spent a month and a half talking to you and I still have not asked you how I am able to communicate with you. You’re a shadow-you only exist because I’m opaque and light is shining on me.”
Actually, you only exist because I exist. Most people don’t know that because they’re too self-absorbed.
“I don’t understand. Shadows are dependent on those who cast them.”
Wrong concept. Shadows are not necessarily physical. Things are real if and only if they cast a shadow. People casts shadows, objects cast shadows, human thoughts cast shadows.
“Okay. Well, then, can you explain the shadow-human communication part?”
That I don’t know. I only know that it will be temporary.
“Temporary?” A wave of sadness washed over the bartender. “When are you leaving?”
When the time is right, I guess. I don’t know.
Zhou Mi smiled bitterly, fishing out his keys as his apartment came into view. “That’s too bad. You were probably the only best friend I have ever had.”
Kyuhyun sighed and placed a hand on Zhou Mi’s shadow’s shoulder.
v.
Youngwoon turned out to be a lot skinnier than the big smiley man Zhou Mi saw in Jungsu’s photo. Skinnier and a lot more tired. “Brandy, please. Add some vodka in it if you can.”
Zhou Mi hesitated for a moment before carrying out his order. “Bad day?”
“Bad doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
“So what’s up? Boss sacked you? Got into an argument with your parents?” Zhou Mi looked at his customer from under his eyelashes. “Relationship problem?”
“All of the above. It’s messy. You wouldn’t want to hear about it.”
“Maybe not,” the bartender chirped, wiping off the counter. “But you definitely need to let it all out, and trust me, I am one hundred percent psychologist material but free of charge, so hit me.”
Youngwoon quirked a half-smile. “You know that feeling where you do something behind somebody else’s back and they found out and try to help but you can’t stop even you wanted to?”
“Elaborate.”
“I did something completely stupid,” he explained with a weary shake of his head. “And now I can’t stop. It’s hurting everybody. I lost my job, my parents threw me out, and to top it all off my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.”
“Okay, let’s focus on the last thing you said. You claim that your boyfriend doesn’t want to talk to you?”
Youngwoon deflated. “Well, it’s not that he doesn’t want to talk to me. It’s just that he can’t anymore. Every time he sees me, he just, I don’t know, dies. It’s only a matter of time before he leaves for good.”
“And what are you doing to make it better?” Zhou Mi asked.
When his customer shrugged, Zhou Mi put down the glass cup he was wiping and turned an icy stare at him. “Then what are you doing here? Go and make it better.”
“I can’t.”
“Do you want him to leave you?”
“Of course not!” Youngwoon retorted. “I would do anything to make him stay.”
“Then make him stay. Make things right again. Fix things.”
“I already told you. I can’t.”
Zhou Mi leaned forward over the countertop and gave Youngwoon his most meaningful glare. “Do you love the guy?”
“Yes.”
“And is the reason you’re in this predicament in any way your boyfriend’s fault?”
“No, it had nothing to do with him!” Youngwoon’s eyes flared in protectiveness.
“Then you will make it right. Do you understand me? If you love him, you either take the easy way out and make him leave before he gets hurt, or you toughen up and fix the situation no matter how long it takes.”
Youngwoon finished his drink, paid, and left without another word.
“Do you think I was too hard on him?” Zhou Mi asked on his walk back home.
Nah, the guy deserved a tongue lashing.
“I hope he listened to me.”
I hope you listened to me when I told you that the thing between Jungsu and Youngwoon is not your problem, but hey, tough luck for me.
Zhou Mi chuckled, realizing in the back of his mind that nobody had ever made him laugh as often. He looked down at his extra shadow. “You know, Kyuhyun, if you weren’t a shadow, I’d probably ask you to marry me.”
Well then, it’s a good thing that I’m a shadow, ain’t it?
The sardonic comment made Zhou Mi laugh and laugh and laugh.
vi.
“He checked himself into rehab yesterday” was the first thing Jungsu said the next time he came over for a drink, and it was probably the sweetest six-word phrase that Zhou Mi had ever heard in his life.
And for the first time in months, Zhou Mi walked back home with a lilt in his gait. “I have to thank you, Kyuhyun.”
What the hell for?
“For walking me back home to my doorstep every night like a protective boyfriend.”
Bite me.
Zhou Mi laughed hollowly. “You’re leaving soon, aren’t you?”
How did you know?
Zhou Mi smiled sadly, looking down at his feet where the two shadows’ shoulders were overlapped. “Every day our shadows get closer and closer together. You disappear tonight, ‘the moment the clock strikes twelve’, to put it allegorically?”
Kyuhyun placed his hands into his pockets, guilty as charged. For somebody so frivolous, you can be quite perceptive.
Zhou Mi laughed quietly. “I work as a bartender. Being perceptive is part of the job description.” His eyes clouded. “Were you going to say goodbye to me, at least?”
No, the shadow replied, shaking his head.
The bartender sighed. “Well, you have no choice now, don’t you?”
Guess not, Kyuhyun relented.
And so he stood there, in front of his doorstep, and watched as Kyuhyun’s form start to merge with his shadow. Just before the last of his head disappeared, Kyuhyun uttered out a very faint goodbye before he disappeared and was gone forever. Zhou Mi stood there until morning, wondering if all of this was nothing but a dream.
Unreal.
vii.
Years later, Zhou Mi stayed the same. He was still what most people would consider extremely attractive-all long limbs, gentleman ethics, and charismatic smiles. He was still the type of person who helped little old ladies (and gentlemen) cross the street, who climbed up trees to rescue the poor little kitties, who donated a piece or two to every good cause that came his way.
He still worked evening shifts as a bartender in the same pub, and he still gave free but valuable advice to those in need. Youngwoon went on to graduate from rehab-notwithstanding the several suicide attempts and emotional rebounds-and stayed clean for the rest of his life for the sake of his beloved. He and Jungsu eventually moved in together and raised a son, creating the not-quite-but-still-perfect family that they had always dreamed of having.
And Zhou Mi still craved feeling as if he had done something right, something real to prove that he was not a walking meat suit amongst millions of other meat suits.
The only thing that changed about the bartender was the fact that every day as he walked home from work, he would look down at his shoes, hoping in vain to see the extra black extension on the sidewalk, the one that gave him advice and offered him the tangibility he sought.
viii.
Zhou Mi met Kyuhyun on the job.
“A martini, please,” a voice from behind ordered.
Zhou Mi turned around and took in the skinny figure and dark curly hair and melancholic eyes before reaching towards the shelves to find the gin and vermouth. “Olive or lemon twist?” the bartender asked, never taking his eyes off of his customer.
“Lemon twist, please.”
The drink was finished in a record thirty seconds and served promptly. “I have never seen you around here before. You new in town?”
“Not really,” a half-smirk graced the other’s lips. “I just turned legal, that’s all.”
“That’s always great news,” Zhou Mi laughed. “I’m Zhou Mi, by the way.”
“Kyuhyun.”
And Zhou Mi’s world stopped. “Your last name wouldn’t by any chance be Cho, would it?”
“How did you know that?” Kyuhyun raised a suspicious eyebrow.
Zhou Mi glanced at the shadow trailing behind his new customer and his eyes brightened. “Just a hunch.”
Kyuhyun became a regular soon enough, always dropping in every other evening after his classes were done. Zhou Mi learned many odd facts that were dropped here and there. Kyuhyun was a math major in the local university with no plans or ideas of what to do with his degree. He hated dried fruit and dealing with acne scars. He got into a car accident a few months before and got an ugly scar on his stomach as a result. He loved singing but sucked at dancing. He was a loner at heart. He once had a goldfish that died when he wanted to be a nice person and shared his orange juice. He was addicted to StarCraft. He liked cynical remarks. And so on.
A few weeks later, Kyuhyun finally leaned forward and captured the caught-off-guard bartender’s lips into one of the clumsiest and yet best kisses Zhou Mi had ever had. They moved in together after months of serious dating, and fell a little more in love as every day passed. And sometimes they took walks down the streets with only the streetlamps to light their way, Zhou Mi would look towards the ground where Kyuhyun’s shadowy extension lay beside his own, and his heart would swell into an indescribable happiness.
Because even if nothing else in his life was real, this was, that it was enough.
ix.
This is the part where something along the lines of The End should appear to draw a defining line, but honestly those two words never occur in this story as a whole because it keeps going. The story does not end here, and it never will.
Because finding the meaning of life is only the beginning:
Once upon a time, Zhou Mi realized that his life was worth living.