(no subject)
Coming back acrossed this good ol' livejournal I had been reading through alot of it (well.....as fast as this internet could go....) I realized this journal contains alot of memories and the moldings of who I am today. I read and realize that I wasn't a very happy person, but kept pressing on (even though I've buried alot of the hurt) with a smile. I've realized by reading some of these wether it had to do with my mom, dad, Ali, Nina, Justin, anyone.....some of these have been the darkest moments of my life to date. Not everything is written down here, but alot of it has been. Things with my mom still haunt me to this day. I feel like there are "demons" of the feelings I've buried that when get bored decide to haunt me. I know it's just the feelings coming out, because I need to deal with stuff I havn't yet gotten over. There's alot I need to get over and I think it's just because I never choose to actually talk about it. I have before, but I'm.....very vague in person. I just can never find the words.....and feel the feelings....then bury them. just recently I've opened my mouth a bit about them to my dad (when I was home.....because he wanted to talk to me about the things he did to me...and that seemed like a way to change the subject a bit, because he asked about her.) and some to Eva. I feel I have distanced myself from alot of people...not because I want to, but just because we have other things going on in our lives right now.
Just recently when i was home....aside from being with my brother, dad, online with Eva, or even Matt Frid....i felt out of place. Like...I shouldn't be there. Time I spent there was great don't get me wrong, but I could've done things better I believe. Out of the 18 days I had off I felt I should've seen my mom more, but I just can't. It makes me sick to my stomach and I hate myself for not going over there....OR for going over there. LAST thing I heard about my mom was some random person I barely know in my town e-mail me saying that they bought some meth with...or saw my mom buying meth. (they were on meth as well...so, I wouldn't doubt it) but this is a random person. Ef them for telling me these things. Things I shouldn't be hearing before I leave to Afghanistan. Anwyay, it had seemed my mom was doing fine and all, but when I finally got the courage to go over there the last day I was there she was completely messed up. Her brain is fried and she will never be fully there. Aside from her schtizophrenia she's.....slow in the head. It's sad to see and I hate it. How did someone with so much potential have so much self destruction to themselves and the people around them? I just don't understand how these pills, or this powder can control someone's life. I don't think I ever will....
I have a belief that everything happens for a reason, but what the hell is this for? This is uncalled for. I'm actually suprised that she has lived this long with me being away. I dunno if I ever wrote the rest of what I write in this journal in here, but it's very suprising. My stepdad.....fuck my stepdad. I feel he doesn't care about anything but himself. He lets this keep going on and on (I'm pretty sure as much as he denies that he does it all as well.) I have no respect for him and care less. The second time she overdosed he kicked me out of the house, because he was worried about his pride too much. Sorry, but pride shouldn't ever get in the way of someone you love. I'm pretty sure a dying person takes precedance (I spell that right?) over then your name being "tarnished". Anyway, she lived (obviously), but it was really like a slap in the face to me and to her. Some anger issues I need to get over on subject of him.....
Someone mentioned that I should try counciling, but I have tried that once before. They were oblivious to what I said and were just worried about the money each of my parents were paying out of their insurance. Plus, the counciling WASN'T even for me like said. It was just so my parents would look good in court for the custody battle. WHICH btw happened more than once and split me and my brother up. 2nd-3rd grade and again in 7th grade. Untrustworthy greedy bastards.
SPEAKING of greedy bastards. DOCTORS. Certain doctors are overly enjoyed secret drug dealers. Prescribing pain killers and other drugs that the patient DOES NOT need. Patient wants it....they give it. JUST so they would get paid by the insurance companies and make an extra dollar or two. Thanks for killing people's lives and ruining families with pills you fucking assholes.
I'm happy though where I'm at and where my life is going right now. I'm more content then I have ever been. I've matured (alot I've noticed after reading this...), I've gone places I never thought possible. I have a few certain people in my life that I really appreciate in being here for me and I can trust. My job sucks, but......I know there's a reason for me wanting to do this and it's possible I have found it or it is right under my nose....but currently too blind to see it. I don't get too worked up over the little things anymore....which is a huge plus. patience.........yeah....still need that. haha! ridiculous.
I have alot of good things going for me right now. I'm investing money, I've taken care of all debt, saving money....(woot). I'm not.....necesarrilly (holy crap I spelled that wrong) friendlier, but I'm not as easily walked on. I have some new friendships in my life. I have a date when I get back to Germany........ which I'm confident will go very well and can most likely develop into a really strong relationship if she wants to pursue that. schooling....I've done correspondent courses since I've been out here, but I'm tryin to figure out a way to be able to transfer them to college credit.....which wouldn't only help me out with my Army career, but also my civilian life.
I guess I ran out of thoughts.....weird. Thought my A.D.D. would have kicked into second gear and gave me some more, but....i guess i need to get the transmission on that one fixed. ha.
I'm out like lightning.
-Daniel Bachman
"Out Of the Top of My Head....This Is How I Feel..."
Sorry if you felt I had abandoned you
Believe me my heart was in it
I just couldn't go through
I couldn't see you like this anymore
White White crystal
seems beautiful at first
but turns you into the devil
You've become dead inside
White White meth
it's eating you up inside
viewed now as walking death
We all still pray for you
I fear one day I will get the call
"Mom has passed, she's OD'ed one last time"
We should take the fall, we should take this fall
I don't know how I will deal with this.
I wish there was more I can do
I wish there was more you can see
I wish I could be more there for you
I'm sorry, but I can only hope for the best..
-Daniel Bachman 11/29/2007
Just recently when i was home....aside from being with my brother, dad, online with Eva, or even Matt Frid....i felt out of place. Like...I shouldn't be there. Time I spent there was great don't get me wrong, but I could've done things better I believe. Out of the 18 days I had off I felt I should've seen my mom more, but I just can't. It makes me sick to my stomach and I hate myself for not going over there....OR for going over there. LAST thing I heard about my mom was some random person I barely know in my town e-mail me saying that they bought some meth with...or saw my mom buying meth. (they were on meth as well...so, I wouldn't doubt it) but this is a random person. Ef them for telling me these things. Things I shouldn't be hearing before I leave to Afghanistan. Anwyay, it had seemed my mom was doing fine and all, but when I finally got the courage to go over there the last day I was there she was completely messed up. Her brain is fried and she will never be fully there. Aside from her schtizophrenia she's.....slow in the head. It's sad to see and I hate it. How did someone with so much potential have so much self destruction to themselves and the people around them? I just don't understand how these pills, or this powder can control someone's life. I don't think I ever will....
I have a belief that everything happens for a reason, but what the hell is this for? This is uncalled for. I'm actually suprised that she has lived this long with me being away. I dunno if I ever wrote the rest of what I write in this journal in here, but it's very suprising. My stepdad.....fuck my stepdad. I feel he doesn't care about anything but himself. He lets this keep going on and on (I'm pretty sure as much as he denies that he does it all as well.) I have no respect for him and care less. The second time she overdosed he kicked me out of the house, because he was worried about his pride too much. Sorry, but pride shouldn't ever get in the way of someone you love. I'm pretty sure a dying person takes precedance (I spell that right?) over then your name being "tarnished". Anyway, she lived (obviously), but it was really like a slap in the face to me and to her. Some anger issues I need to get over on subject of him.....
Someone mentioned that I should try counciling, but I have tried that once before. They were oblivious to what I said and were just worried about the money each of my parents were paying out of their insurance. Plus, the counciling WASN'T even for me like said. It was just so my parents would look good in court for the custody battle. WHICH btw happened more than once and split me and my brother up. 2nd-3rd grade and again in 7th grade. Untrustworthy greedy bastards.
SPEAKING of greedy bastards. DOCTORS. Certain doctors are overly enjoyed secret drug dealers. Prescribing pain killers and other drugs that the patient DOES NOT need. Patient wants it....they give it. JUST so they would get paid by the insurance companies and make an extra dollar or two. Thanks for killing people's lives and ruining families with pills you fucking assholes.
I'm happy though where I'm at and where my life is going right now. I'm more content then I have ever been. I've matured (alot I've noticed after reading this...), I've gone places I never thought possible. I have a few certain people in my life that I really appreciate in being here for me and I can trust. My job sucks, but......I know there's a reason for me wanting to do this and it's possible I have found it or it is right under my nose....but currently too blind to see it. I don't get too worked up over the little things anymore....which is a huge plus. patience.........yeah....still need that. haha! ridiculous.
I have alot of good things going for me right now. I'm investing money, I've taken care of all debt, saving money....(woot). I'm not.....necesarrilly (holy crap I spelled that wrong) friendlier, but I'm not as easily walked on. I have some new friendships in my life. I have a date when I get back to Germany........ which I'm confident will go very well and can most likely develop into a really strong relationship if she wants to pursue that. schooling....I've done correspondent courses since I've been out here, but I'm tryin to figure out a way to be able to transfer them to college credit.....which wouldn't only help me out with my Army career, but also my civilian life.
I guess I ran out of thoughts.....weird. Thought my A.D.D. would have kicked into second gear and gave me some more, but....i guess i need to get the transmission on that one fixed. ha.
I'm out like lightning.
-Daniel Bachman
"Out Of the Top of My Head....This Is How I Feel..."
Sorry if you felt I had abandoned you
Believe me my heart was in it
I just couldn't go through
I couldn't see you like this anymore
White White crystal
seems beautiful at first
but turns you into the devil
You've become dead inside
White White meth
it's eating you up inside
viewed now as walking death
We all still pray for you
I fear one day I will get the call
"Mom has passed, she's OD'ed one last time"
We should take the fall, we should take this fall
I don't know how I will deal with this.
I wish there was more I can do
I wish there was more you can see
I wish I could be more there for you
I'm sorry, but I can only hope for the best..
-Daniel Bachman 11/29/2007