I should have stayed away
I went to my ex's apt to see my dog unannounced. Most of me was nervous as shit about what I might find and I sat in front of an abandoned church and chain-smoked parliaments even though I don't smoke and listened to the mountain goats tallahassee twice through. I guess I kind of had a gut feeling about everything, and I guess I figured I would need to know what was going on
Nobody was home. The door was unlocked and it smelled like a girl had just showered. The last time I was over, we fucked on someone else's blanket and he told me he was letting his friend keep her shit there because she couldn't move in with her boyfriend yet. He told me the girl he cheated on me with was not someone he had feelings for, just a revenge fuck to make him feel better about the fact that he ASKED ME A MILLION TIMES TO FUCK JOSEPH. Anyway, they came up together back to the apt.
For a split second I saw him scared and surprised and then his face quickly contorted itself into someone else's, someone who didn't want to see me. He kept asking me why I was there, trying to make me look like a crazy ex who was trying to get back with him. Saying loudly (because she refused to leave us alone) that we were done even though what I was saying had nothing to do with the fact that I WAS THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH THIS LYING CHEATING MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE.
It was like a big adrenaline rush watching all my nightmares come true. Like some alien had taken over the boy I had loved for nine years. He kept denying that he sent me sweet txt messages and that we were still fucking. For her sake. I just sat there in shock, just waiting for anything real to come out of his mouth. Nothing. Just bullshit on top of bullshit when just the day before he had smiled so happily when I tricked him into kissing me.
I told the bimbo everything, and she said she had to deal with lies too. And I said why would you put up with this shit? And she said it was because she was homeless. I can't even..we broke up like 2 weeks ago and there's already another chick using my things with her shit where mine used to be. I'll never see my dog again or any of my books and movies. All those years we built together, gone over a fucking pussy. Who has the capacity to hurt someone this much?
I told him he was lower than shit and he said okay looking especially unaffected by the fact that that was definitely the last time I was ever going to see or talk to him.
I felt...really free at first. Finally able to just cut him out completely. Then unbearably angry. Only a little sad. I'm still numb.
I went to the beach with Sandra, the one where we spent his first birthday that I was there for making out in our underwear at night. I lay in the sand and hoped the white sky would fucking swallow me while Sandra read outloud from a Buddhism book. It was calming.
Then I drank and smoked at Eli's and sat myself in the middle of a band playing outside. They were adorable and I let my hand and eyes linger on the guitarist's when I was introduced to him. He hugged me goodbye later and asked if I would come to his show tomorrow. I said yes not even knowing when or where it was. Just thinking I will say anything you want me to.
Nobody was home. The door was unlocked and it smelled like a girl had just showered. The last time I was over, we fucked on someone else's blanket and he told me he was letting his friend keep her shit there because she couldn't move in with her boyfriend yet. He told me the girl he cheated on me with was not someone he had feelings for, just a revenge fuck to make him feel better about the fact that he ASKED ME A MILLION TIMES TO FUCK JOSEPH. Anyway, they came up together back to the apt.
For a split second I saw him scared and surprised and then his face quickly contorted itself into someone else's, someone who didn't want to see me. He kept asking me why I was there, trying to make me look like a crazy ex who was trying to get back with him. Saying loudly (because she refused to leave us alone) that we were done even though what I was saying had nothing to do with the fact that I WAS THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH THIS LYING CHEATING MANIPULATIVE ASSHOLE.
It was like a big adrenaline rush watching all my nightmares come true. Like some alien had taken over the boy I had loved for nine years. He kept denying that he sent me sweet txt messages and that we were still fucking. For her sake. I just sat there in shock, just waiting for anything real to come out of his mouth. Nothing. Just bullshit on top of bullshit when just the day before he had smiled so happily when I tricked him into kissing me.
I told the bimbo everything, and she said she had to deal with lies too. And I said why would you put up with this shit? And she said it was because she was homeless. I can't even..we broke up like 2 weeks ago and there's already another chick using my things with her shit where mine used to be. I'll never see my dog again or any of my books and movies. All those years we built together, gone over a fucking pussy. Who has the capacity to hurt someone this much?
I told him he was lower than shit and he said okay looking especially unaffected by the fact that that was definitely the last time I was ever going to see or talk to him.
I felt...really free at first. Finally able to just cut him out completely. Then unbearably angry. Only a little sad. I'm still numb.
I went to the beach with Sandra, the one where we spent his first birthday that I was there for making out in our underwear at night. I lay in the sand and hoped the white sky would fucking swallow me while Sandra read outloud from a Buddhism book. It was calming.
Then I drank and smoked at Eli's and sat myself in the middle of a band playing outside. They were adorable and I let my hand and eyes linger on the guitarist's when I was introduced to him. He hugged me goodbye later and asked if I would come to his show tomorrow. I said yes not even knowing when or where it was. Just thinking I will say anything you want me to.