FOV re-entry
Wow, what an incredible weekend. I can't possibly capture it's magick and alchemy in mere words. But I will attempt to give it the old college try.
I went in thinking I mostly was going to work on my hand drumming skills as a devotion to Venus as well as dedicating the portion of my tattoo with her portrait near the fire. Even visiting the temples I didn't feel like I had any burning work I was doing, but I guess I was doing work I wasn't realizing.
Friday night we had to choose a temple to visit and have one chosen FOR us. I chose Surrender as I was surrendering my fear of inadequacy regarding music which I have laid down in my life for far far too long....this weekend was supposedly about the drum. But it went oh, so much deeper. What was chosen FOR me was the Temple of Affection where each person was greeted by a radiant priestess and seemingly solemn priest. She held a mirror facing outward from her heart, I was crowned with roses and gazed at my reflection (looking in the mirror to put on makeup is oh so easy, really looking at myself in the mirror is and always has been very very difficult for me) while the priestess and then priest showered me with compliments, praise and my worthiness of love, affection, adoration. I know the priestess from FSG and Beltane and last FOV...she is wonderful and she really hit the nail on the head, telling me the most difficult things for me to hear someone...anyone...tell me. Things like I am beautiful, giving, inspiring, etc. That she can't imagine anyone looking in my eyes and not instantly falling in love. Wow. I didn't visit that temple last year. It was the only one I didn't. I Love you Rebecca, but there was definitely a reason that I wasn't aware of until this ritual. I dreaded going there, and it was still difficult to hear those things, but I did my best to reflect those things outward and absorb and grok them through Saturday.
Working with the amazing drum core Mirror group was a blessing. Tigre, Sparky, Conrad, Owen, and all of the others really helped me work at it and renew my dedication to learning more and not getting frustrated if I'm not a drum diva right out of the starting gate. It was wonderful to spend alot of my time at the fire, holding down basic rhythms while hearing the melodic fills done by the masters present and seeing the gift of the dancers working in concert and then Friday night, not so much and learning from that how the energy of the ritual, the fire, the drummers, the dancers, the firetenders all feed each other and need to nourish each other. I think they'd do well to include a dancers' mirror core group next year that are charged with making sure during the height of the evening's rituals, there are always dancers feeding the fire and the drummers so they can do the same in turn and inspire others to dance their heartsongs. Each night's ritual was prefaced by performances by the always awesome Hubris and I had the privilege of being able to drum 2 of those nights for their performance. They are wonderful.
I wasn't really spending time with chainsaw_larry in ways I'd hoped because of his responsibilities with the fire and the schedule. Even with naptime built in, it was hectic. I did get to spend some time with people I hadn't in awhile and others who I often enjoy their company. Getting to know others I knew by sight better was a gift as well.
Then Saturday.....oh, Saturday....there was an adaptation of a Hindu puja held in Venus's honor, with the stunning effigy carved by the amazing Orien in the center of the room. I drummed with the rhythm group, rattled around to include people, watched the beautiful devotions and offerings by the other Core groups, got ecstatic, saw beautiful and erotic expressions of love, lust and passion and became immersed in the experience I originally hoped to have by attending Beltane a few years back. I"m sure Beltane is a wonderful event, but going into it what I really thought I'd be experiencing was what Fires of Venus is. A wonderful spiritual, sensual love ride and transformative experience. The puja went on quite long, but I delighted in every sight, scent and touch.......people really gave into it and got caught up as they should. Then we processed to the fire circle where the effigy was reverently placed upon the pyre in offering and it was lit in a beautiful ceremony by flaming sword by the fantastic Liam. As I watched her burn and saw the flaming silhouette of the goddess to whom I give most of my devotion and worship, the FOV chant "Venus, I Adore you, and I lay my life before you...how I love you" began to rise and I first felt my eyes well up and then burst forth with tears and before I knew it, I was outright sobbing with joy and a sudden release and feeling of freedom. It was if some great weighted chain was removed from me. I had lived for years with a very difficult relationship with romantic love, self love and what I thought relationships SHOULD or shouldn't be...always trying to control everything to such great degree. Even after thinking I'd learned, I really hadn't. There was more to learn and the sad fallout partially is my marriage to Loki. thankfully I get to still keep my dear friend from that...Venus is compassionate in that regard and I got the biggest gift of all.....my true love. I realized in that moment at the fire, watching O and Christine giddy with joy at this culmination of all their hard work as well as the joy, pain, gratitude and myriad of things on the faces of those surrounding her, that I have lived with so much guilt, control, fear, self loathing that I was never able to fully love freely before, but that because of the work I have done with Venus.......now I can lay all that down and give love freely an dmore importantly, ACCEPT love openly, freely and with wild abandon because yes, I deserve to be loved.
There were so many other wonderful things. Blot to Freyja with friends Friday night, Picnic lunch on the lawn with some wonderful people....Thank you Harry! The Coop Show and everyone there who participated and enjoyed with me. Buying my djembe to compliment playing my Boug. Being lead around the fire, blindfolded...I'm used to blindfolding for reasons I won't go into here (some of you will get it), but it was a wonderful experience just allowing someone to lead me around safely while I honed in my other senses. Then of course there was dinner with O & Christine. And the stinkbug apocalypse. you all who were there know of what I speak and I need not say more. *shudder* New friends made, new boundaries, new adventures.......I am missing speaking of so much that went into what a great weekend, but a lesson learned by a good friend this weekend would keep me from singling out anyone other than Larry here....because people feel slighted. I had moments with so many of you I hold dear and people who are new. Thank you ALL for one of the best weekends of my life and definitely one of the best festival experiences I have EVER had. This festival is one I will return to EVERY year. For her....for me..and for all of you.
Three true things that were said to me by a friend with his hand on my heart much later that night:
1. You are loved
2. You love
3. You ARE love.
Pass it forward!
I went in thinking I mostly was going to work on my hand drumming skills as a devotion to Venus as well as dedicating the portion of my tattoo with her portrait near the fire. Even visiting the temples I didn't feel like I had any burning work I was doing, but I guess I was doing work I wasn't realizing.
Friday night we had to choose a temple to visit and have one chosen FOR us. I chose Surrender as I was surrendering my fear of inadequacy regarding music which I have laid down in my life for far far too long....this weekend was supposedly about the drum. But it went oh, so much deeper. What was chosen FOR me was the Temple of Affection where each person was greeted by a radiant priestess and seemingly solemn priest. She held a mirror facing outward from her heart, I was crowned with roses and gazed at my reflection (looking in the mirror to put on makeup is oh so easy, really looking at myself in the mirror is and always has been very very difficult for me) while the priestess and then priest showered me with compliments, praise and my worthiness of love, affection, adoration. I know the priestess from FSG and Beltane and last FOV...she is wonderful and she really hit the nail on the head, telling me the most difficult things for me to hear someone...anyone...tell me. Things like I am beautiful, giving, inspiring, etc. That she can't imagine anyone looking in my eyes and not instantly falling in love. Wow. I didn't visit that temple last year. It was the only one I didn't. I Love you Rebecca, but there was definitely a reason that I wasn't aware of until this ritual. I dreaded going there, and it was still difficult to hear those things, but I did my best to reflect those things outward and absorb and grok them through Saturday.
Working with the amazing drum core Mirror group was a blessing. Tigre, Sparky, Conrad, Owen, and all of the others really helped me work at it and renew my dedication to learning more and not getting frustrated if I'm not a drum diva right out of the starting gate. It was wonderful to spend alot of my time at the fire, holding down basic rhythms while hearing the melodic fills done by the masters present and seeing the gift of the dancers working in concert and then Friday night, not so much and learning from that how the energy of the ritual, the fire, the drummers, the dancers, the firetenders all feed each other and need to nourish each other. I think they'd do well to include a dancers' mirror core group next year that are charged with making sure during the height of the evening's rituals, there are always dancers feeding the fire and the drummers so they can do the same in turn and inspire others to dance their heartsongs. Each night's ritual was prefaced by performances by the always awesome Hubris and I had the privilege of being able to drum 2 of those nights for their performance. They are wonderful.
I wasn't really spending time with chainsaw_larry in ways I'd hoped because of his responsibilities with the fire and the schedule. Even with naptime built in, it was hectic. I did get to spend some time with people I hadn't in awhile and others who I often enjoy their company. Getting to know others I knew by sight better was a gift as well.
Then Saturday.....oh, Saturday....there was an adaptation of a Hindu puja held in Venus's honor, with the stunning effigy carved by the amazing Orien in the center of the room. I drummed with the rhythm group, rattled around to include people, watched the beautiful devotions and offerings by the other Core groups, got ecstatic, saw beautiful and erotic expressions of love, lust and passion and became immersed in the experience I originally hoped to have by attending Beltane a few years back. I"m sure Beltane is a wonderful event, but going into it what I really thought I'd be experiencing was what Fires of Venus is. A wonderful spiritual, sensual love ride and transformative experience. The puja went on quite long, but I delighted in every sight, scent and touch.......people really gave into it and got caught up as they should. Then we processed to the fire circle where the effigy was reverently placed upon the pyre in offering and it was lit in a beautiful ceremony by flaming sword by the fantastic Liam. As I watched her burn and saw the flaming silhouette of the goddess to whom I give most of my devotion and worship, the FOV chant "Venus, I Adore you, and I lay my life before you...how I love you" began to rise and I first felt my eyes well up and then burst forth with tears and before I knew it, I was outright sobbing with joy and a sudden release and feeling of freedom. It was if some great weighted chain was removed from me. I had lived for years with a very difficult relationship with romantic love, self love and what I thought relationships SHOULD or shouldn't be...always trying to control everything to such great degree. Even after thinking I'd learned, I really hadn't. There was more to learn and the sad fallout partially is my marriage to Loki. thankfully I get to still keep my dear friend from that...Venus is compassionate in that regard and I got the biggest gift of all.....my true love. I realized in that moment at the fire, watching O and Christine giddy with joy at this culmination of all their hard work as well as the joy, pain, gratitude and myriad of things on the faces of those surrounding her, that I have lived with so much guilt, control, fear, self loathing that I was never able to fully love freely before, but that because of the work I have done with Venus.......now I can lay all that down and give love freely an dmore importantly, ACCEPT love openly, freely and with wild abandon because yes, I deserve to be loved.
There were so many other wonderful things. Blot to Freyja with friends Friday night, Picnic lunch on the lawn with some wonderful people....Thank you Harry! The Coop Show and everyone there who participated and enjoyed with me. Buying my djembe to compliment playing my Boug. Being lead around the fire, blindfolded...I'm used to blindfolding for reasons I won't go into here (some of you will get it), but it was a wonderful experience just allowing someone to lead me around safely while I honed in my other senses. Then of course there was dinner with O & Christine. And the stinkbug apocalypse. you all who were there know of what I speak and I need not say more. *shudder* New friends made, new boundaries, new adventures.......I am missing speaking of so much that went into what a great weekend, but a lesson learned by a good friend this weekend would keep me from singling out anyone other than Larry here....because people feel slighted. I had moments with so many of you I hold dear and people who are new. Thank you ALL for one of the best weekends of my life and definitely one of the best festival experiences I have EVER had. This festival is one I will return to EVERY year. For her....for me..and for all of you.
Three true things that were said to me by a friend with his hand on my heart much later that night:
1. You are loved
2. You love
3. You ARE love.
Pass it forward!