Dreams and undue stressors?
Ok so venting here. I had a dream last night that that old flame and the new flame at work got back together again and kind of played it in front of me. We were in his car. First me her and another girl from work. And for some reason we went to a cemetary real quick. Very modern and all. Then it switched later to him and another dude being in the car. It was his car - which I had never been in. First he beckons the one girl up front to sit next to him. And there is like this background talking like I am about to get a lecture/lesson in life - a very hard one. Then the front seat is empty. Then he has this new flame come up to the front of the car and they kiss and she turns around and is really catty about it. SHe says "Awwwwwwwwwwwww" mockingly at me. I looked at her like wat? and said "I already knew about you two". I end up finally getting out of the car. I feel like they are headed back to the cemetary. I head into a cafeteria like area - kind of like college. I got to a table where my friends are and want to explain what has just happened. But I can't really get it out without just blurting it out. Then something weird happened. There was a baby there - infant even - and he was the child of someone who was in my old department. He was probably 3 - 4 months old in my dream. And he took his little hand and put it too his nose and said "money goes nose." The womans husband has a drug problem. But there are things around this other person I heard as well. Anyway, it was creepy and weird.
I have no idea why but it feels sucky. Of course it is a dream but for some reason I felt like they hadn't been around each other much over the past months. I also could be overthinking things but I really wish I had never gotten involved...and I mean ever. I suddenly feel jealous and stupid all at the same time. I am the older model and she is the newer model type of thing. Why do I feel like this? I have to watch because I am very empathetic too so I question what is mine and what I am picking up on. Ok guys this person is 9 years younger than me and he has always thought his shit doesn't stink. Things can change and I have not been around him and honestly don't know her except through work. I even feel stupid writing about it because basically I don't know anything. But I have to get it out. I feel jealous...and don't know why. I feel like I have wasted time and energy and just don't want to anymore. I know it is a choice but shit. I want to stop this for good and sometimes don't know how. I am on a thing where I am trying to trust my deep intuition about stuff and have had proof of my intuition and gut being correct lately because I need to trust it to be true to me and to know my ability. Ok also, I don't know if I would even go back around this person as there would have been mixed things I feel about it. Alot of mixed stuff. I need better and I feel dumb for even thinking on any of this. No one knows this as I keep it all inside so that is why I am getting it out here.
Also, this week I find out that my ex bf was basically having control issues with me. My friend saw him at OC and she said he was kindof being a jerk. She told him the trut and about how well I have been doing. What am I supposed to do...fall over and die pining away? Nope - I don't want to do that and don't feel that about him. And yet I feel that way about the guy above - probably the whole never really got a chance, yet he has come around, and now there is someone else in his life feelings (very confusing I swear and sounds like a crappy country song! ACK!) Apparently she saw him and he asked about me. She told him I was doing fabulous and about all the things I have been doing. He seemed to not be happy about me doing fabulously and all. Then she said how I was doing stuff with my circles and taking care of this one girls cat and he said "Oh I was going to put my foot down about the animals. There would be no more in that house." And she said "Um that isn't YOUR house though." He told her she had a point there. Then her husband at a point in the conversation came to her and just said she needed a little chapstick (ok I would have said that if a friend was in need...lol) So she was applying it and D turned to her husband and said "WOW, I wish Sue would have taken orders that well." She just gave him a look. She felt like he was trying to impress his friend. I think he was huurting but still I also think that if he had felt like he had an ounce more control over me he would have been happy. Unfortunately I am not easy to control. Especially when I don't feel like what i have been doing is wrong...and especially now. What an ass. I am fed up with people wanting to control me and thinking that something is just plain wrong with who I am and what I do. They can kiss my ass! I like who I am - well except in those uncomfortable situations like the above where I feel stupid, jealous and old - but other than that crap I like me. I feel like the things I am doing in my life are truly satisfying AND that if you haven't found yourself it is not my problem. Go out and do it because no one is stopping you! Ahhh my patience is runninng thin. I have this thing in my head running around and bugging me - which is feeling very recent past like and then this new stuff there too. I want to be me and be happy in that. I am not stopping that...screw that! I am working to "grow up" even more and live my life to the fullest. I have one and I am going to make the best of it I swear! Wasting my time sucks and I think that is why the stuff above bugs me so much. I am wasting TIME! I am wasting ENERGY!!! I wasting me...and that is not fair - AND I am only doing this to myself...so even worse. I see where I have wanted to control things and I see where I have felt hurt and lashed out as well. It all has made me take a step back. And I can't believe I even feel like I am old and stuff...and that there is a newer and better model out there....shit! I bought into it for a minute...ahhhhhhh! Ok that can't and won't be and I am going to try to see me and everything in a different light...maybe it's all for the better and I just haven't had a chance to see the bigger picture...time to step back folks...;) The two can be together and I have to accept that that is the way things are. I see that the feelings all come from my past - this one is better than you and mocking me. The one can be upset and degrading - which I refuse to do anymore (both remnants of the past childhood and not doing it! Mom you were amazing in making me feel all these things but you can have them back...;) They were never mine and you can have those feeling that you dumped on me. I am better than this for sure and am not wasting my time rehashing them for you.)
Ok enough venting because I need to get dressed and get to work.
I have no idea why but it feels sucky. Of course it is a dream but for some reason I felt like they hadn't been around each other much over the past months. I also could be overthinking things but I really wish I had never gotten involved...and I mean ever. I suddenly feel jealous and stupid all at the same time. I am the older model and she is the newer model type of thing. Why do I feel like this? I have to watch because I am very empathetic too so I question what is mine and what I am picking up on. Ok guys this person is 9 years younger than me and he has always thought his shit doesn't stink. Things can change and I have not been around him and honestly don't know her except through work. I even feel stupid writing about it because basically I don't know anything. But I have to get it out. I feel jealous...and don't know why. I feel like I have wasted time and energy and just don't want to anymore. I know it is a choice but shit. I want to stop this for good and sometimes don't know how. I am on a thing where I am trying to trust my deep intuition about stuff and have had proof of my intuition and gut being correct lately because I need to trust it to be true to me and to know my ability. Ok also, I don't know if I would even go back around this person as there would have been mixed things I feel about it. Alot of mixed stuff. I need better and I feel dumb for even thinking on any of this. No one knows this as I keep it all inside so that is why I am getting it out here.
Also, this week I find out that my ex bf was basically having control issues with me. My friend saw him at OC and she said he was kindof being a jerk. She told him the trut and about how well I have been doing. What am I supposed to do...fall over and die pining away? Nope - I don't want to do that and don't feel that about him. And yet I feel that way about the guy above - probably the whole never really got a chance, yet he has come around, and now there is someone else in his life feelings (very confusing I swear and sounds like a crappy country song! ACK!) Apparently she saw him and he asked about me. She told him I was doing fabulous and about all the things I have been doing. He seemed to not be happy about me doing fabulously and all. Then she said how I was doing stuff with my circles and taking care of this one girls cat and he said "Oh I was going to put my foot down about the animals. There would be no more in that house." And she said "Um that isn't YOUR house though." He told her she had a point there. Then her husband at a point in the conversation came to her and just said she needed a little chapstick (ok I would have said that if a friend was in need...lol) So she was applying it and D turned to her husband and said "WOW, I wish Sue would have taken orders that well." She just gave him a look. She felt like he was trying to impress his friend. I think he was huurting but still I also think that if he had felt like he had an ounce more control over me he would have been happy. Unfortunately I am not easy to control. Especially when I don't feel like what i have been doing is wrong...and especially now. What an ass. I am fed up with people wanting to control me and thinking that something is just plain wrong with who I am and what I do. They can kiss my ass! I like who I am - well except in those uncomfortable situations like the above where I feel stupid, jealous and old - but other than that crap I like me. I feel like the things I am doing in my life are truly satisfying AND that if you haven't found yourself it is not my problem. Go out and do it because no one is stopping you! Ahhh my patience is runninng thin. I have this thing in my head running around and bugging me - which is feeling very recent past like and then this new stuff there too. I want to be me and be happy in that. I am not stopping that...screw that! I am working to "grow up" even more and live my life to the fullest. I have one and I am going to make the best of it I swear! Wasting my time sucks and I think that is why the stuff above bugs me so much. I am wasting TIME! I am wasting ENERGY!!! I wasting me...and that is not fair - AND I am only doing this to myself...so even worse. I see where I have wanted to control things and I see where I have felt hurt and lashed out as well. It all has made me take a step back. And I can't believe I even feel like I am old and stuff...and that there is a newer and better model out there....shit! I bought into it for a minute...ahhhhhhh! Ok that can't and won't be and I am going to try to see me and everything in a different light...maybe it's all for the better and I just haven't had a chance to see the bigger picture...time to step back folks...;) The two can be together and I have to accept that that is the way things are. I see that the feelings all come from my past - this one is better than you and mocking me. The one can be upset and degrading - which I refuse to do anymore (both remnants of the past childhood and not doing it! Mom you were amazing in making me feel all these things but you can have them back...;) They were never mine and you can have those feeling that you dumped on me. I am better than this for sure and am not wasting my time rehashing them for you.)
Ok enough venting because I need to get dressed and get to work.