WHY?
I should be working on my thesis right now....grr, I wish I got a dollar for every time I said that over the past few weeks (I definitely wouldn't be awaiting my check from campus ministry with the same eagerness :-P). Not only have I fallen behind the deadline Isabel set for me (I was supposed to have my whole second draft done by last Tuesday, to finish the entire thing by Wed....yeah, definitely still writing the intro on the second draft :-P), but I am also late turning in a linguistics project and didn't exactly get my lesson plans in by noon yesterday. This feels so weird for me....it's hard not to be disappointed in myself, and it seems like every time I turn around anymore there's something else to show me that I'm falling short, or some kind of frustration.....I feel like no matter how much I work at things, or try to keep up (or at least look like I am) I always end up getting distracted, falling asleep, or in some other way not being able to meet whatever goals I have for that day...just proving that I'm really not as capable as everybody thinks.....
....and at the same time, time keeps flying by.....here we are at spring break (well, *some* people have spring break :-P heheh), and graduation is less than two months away....and rather than savoring this last bit of college all I can think is "thank God...someone get me out of here, cause I'm drowning." I feel like I need an escape.....why can't I go home (I miss my family terribly right now), or sleep for more than 3 hours any given night or spend a night goofing off w/ my friends without feeling panicked the next day b/c I'm "falling behind"?
....and then, I have to wonder WHY. I've definitely been asked more than once just why I'm letting this get to me so much, and it's a good question. Actually, I feel kind of silly thinking about it really....what does this thesis mean to me? In all honesty, it's just a big paper that I have to write. What is the OFLA conference to me? To lots of language teachers it's a big deal, and presenting there shows quite a bit of prestige, and it's quite an impressive way to enter the world of language teaching, "making a mark" from the beginning. But what is it to me? Maybe I'm just naive, or unambitious or apathetic, but to me it's just something that I have to do. I've been told that I have talent as a language teacher, and that I could do a lot in the field, and "rise high" whatever that means, but seriously, all I really want to do with my life is teach. THAT is what's important to me....I want to "go far, be the best" (or at least just really good) at what I do, but where I want to go far is in being a good teacher, making a difference for my students....I mean, I suppose this conference is a great opportunity, and I feel ungrateful for complaining about it, but so far it's just been an opportunity to lose sleep and to make myself crazed....
....but maybe the problem is just with me. Why am I such a freak that lets the pressure get to me so much? Why do I buckle so easily? Is it me that puts the pressure on myself, even?
It makes me think seriously about next year....just exactly what will I be doing? Isabel had been arranging for a grad-assistant thing for me, so that I'd do my masters here, teach at St. Albert's and mentor teh senior student teachers. But like with any pilot program (that I always end up getting swept into, for some reason or other) there are some unanticipated kinks. Apparently, even though she was "95% sure" ever since the end of last semester, that everything would work out between getting the grant from the university and the diocese and all that, now the education department doesn't want to fund it, and wants to change the langauge ed program back to being part of the edt dept instead of w/ Isabel, or something like that....so all of a sudden I don't know what's going on, and Isabel won't give me a straight answer yes or no (to be fair, she cant' really get one either, and keeps fighting for what she wants to do, so it's not like she's going to throw in the towel). But I kind of need to know....you know, it's only my life....:-P
...and so this makes me wonder if I even want to deal with it? Missy has already given up and is looking for jobs in the area (she was also going to be part of it, but the problem in her case is that there aren't any french student teachers for next year), and I wonder if it wouldn't be better for me to just say "that's it, Isabel, I'm done jumping through your hoops," find a job and do my own thing, maybe going back to get my masters eventually (if I want to--right now the idea of still teaching and studying at the same time makes me want to cry....). But then I also wonder if I wouldn't be blowing a big opportunity....I mean, Isabel is crazy but she really knows her stuff as far as foreign language teaching goes, and it could help me a lot as a teacher to continue working w/ this program, reinforcing what we are doing and helping other new teachers as well....I'm afraid that if I were to just decide this based on being sick of working with her, I'd regret it later.
so yeah, this is where all this leaves me. I have to make some decisions soon, and only I can decide what's best for me. On the one hand that's kinda scary, cause how am I supposed to know? but then again, I might know better than anyone else....who knows.
In the meantime, I should get back to that big paper I have to write. Just three more weeks and it'll all be over with....I can make it til then. It was good to get some of this stuff out, even if it resulted in just one long rambly entry and me spending more time not working on my thesis. But it's OK, I'll be able to focus better now....that, and I went to bed super early last night and slept for 8 hours, woo hoo! I should probably do that more often.....anyways, thanx for "listening" those who have followed this far, and for those who have physically or virtually listened for the past few weeks as I've been freaking out....it's good to know that at the end of the day I'm not alone, and all this will turn out alright....
....and at the same time, time keeps flying by.....here we are at spring break (well, *some* people have spring break :-P heheh), and graduation is less than two months away....and rather than savoring this last bit of college all I can think is "thank God...someone get me out of here, cause I'm drowning." I feel like I need an escape.....why can't I go home (I miss my family terribly right now), or sleep for more than 3 hours any given night or spend a night goofing off w/ my friends without feeling panicked the next day b/c I'm "falling behind"?
....and then, I have to wonder WHY. I've definitely been asked more than once just why I'm letting this get to me so much, and it's a good question. Actually, I feel kind of silly thinking about it really....what does this thesis mean to me? In all honesty, it's just a big paper that I have to write. What is the OFLA conference to me? To lots of language teachers it's a big deal, and presenting there shows quite a bit of prestige, and it's quite an impressive way to enter the world of language teaching, "making a mark" from the beginning. But what is it to me? Maybe I'm just naive, or unambitious or apathetic, but to me it's just something that I have to do. I've been told that I have talent as a language teacher, and that I could do a lot in the field, and "rise high" whatever that means, but seriously, all I really want to do with my life is teach. THAT is what's important to me....I want to "go far, be the best" (or at least just really good) at what I do, but where I want to go far is in being a good teacher, making a difference for my students....I mean, I suppose this conference is a great opportunity, and I feel ungrateful for complaining about it, but so far it's just been an opportunity to lose sleep and to make myself crazed....
....but maybe the problem is just with me. Why am I such a freak that lets the pressure get to me so much? Why do I buckle so easily? Is it me that puts the pressure on myself, even?
It makes me think seriously about next year....just exactly what will I be doing? Isabel had been arranging for a grad-assistant thing for me, so that I'd do my masters here, teach at St. Albert's and mentor teh senior student teachers. But like with any pilot program (that I always end up getting swept into, for some reason or other) there are some unanticipated kinks. Apparently, even though she was "95% sure" ever since the end of last semester, that everything would work out between getting the grant from the university and the diocese and all that, now the education department doesn't want to fund it, and wants to change the langauge ed program back to being part of the edt dept instead of w/ Isabel, or something like that....so all of a sudden I don't know what's going on, and Isabel won't give me a straight answer yes or no (to be fair, she cant' really get one either, and keeps fighting for what she wants to do, so it's not like she's going to throw in the towel). But I kind of need to know....you know, it's only my life....:-P
...and so this makes me wonder if I even want to deal with it? Missy has already given up and is looking for jobs in the area (she was also going to be part of it, but the problem in her case is that there aren't any french student teachers for next year), and I wonder if it wouldn't be better for me to just say "that's it, Isabel, I'm done jumping through your hoops," find a job and do my own thing, maybe going back to get my masters eventually (if I want to--right now the idea of still teaching and studying at the same time makes me want to cry....). But then I also wonder if I wouldn't be blowing a big opportunity....I mean, Isabel is crazy but she really knows her stuff as far as foreign language teaching goes, and it could help me a lot as a teacher to continue working w/ this program, reinforcing what we are doing and helping other new teachers as well....I'm afraid that if I were to just decide this based on being sick of working with her, I'd regret it later.
so yeah, this is where all this leaves me. I have to make some decisions soon, and only I can decide what's best for me. On the one hand that's kinda scary, cause how am I supposed to know? but then again, I might know better than anyone else....who knows.
In the meantime, I should get back to that big paper I have to write. Just three more weeks and it'll all be over with....I can make it til then. It was good to get some of this stuff out, even if it resulted in just one long rambly entry and me spending more time not working on my thesis. But it's OK, I'll be able to focus better now....that, and I went to bed super early last night and slept for 8 hours, woo hoo! I should probably do that more often.....anyways, thanx for "listening" those who have followed this far, and for those who have physically or virtually listened for the past few weeks as I've been freaking out....it's good to know that at the end of the day I'm not alone, and all this will turn out alright....