Day Seven
So, skipped Day Six since it was just like Day Five. The only thing different about Day Seven is that I went to the grocery store this morning. It actually wasn't bad. There was way more stuff on the shelves than there was the last time I went. Still no toilet paper, but other stuff was there. There was actually dried beans and rice and meat. Hopefully the hoarding of food is almost at an end. Of course, I was there at 0710 so not many people were there yet.
So. So so so. That was the most exciting thing today. Worked more on my picture and made good progress on it. Only teared up once today, even if I did remain sad and "crying on the inside" for a while.
Still trying to work through and around this thing with J. Yes, I'm still stupid. I think there's a lot of stuff that I need to process about WHY I fell so hard for him. I think too there's a lot of stuff that I need to process about what was the whole point of this. I mean, everything happens for a reason, right? What good reason could there be for this crap? I'm not into self-torture so I didn't set out to feel this way when it started. When it started it was so unexpected. I had worked with him for over a year and never thought about him that way. Then, just one night he had this little elderly patient and I remember he kinda patted her on her head to comfort her and I distinctly remember a little twitch in the area where my heart would be. After that, it just grew. This was just after Thanksgiving, so since just after Thanksgiving it got worse and grew and took on it's own life. Now, here I am, heartbroken. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have left him. Maybe if I hadn't of left eventually he would have picked me over his wife. More than likely, I would have stood there pining for him for the rest of the time he worked there and I'd die an old woman and he would STILL be with his wife.
I have never been as attracted to someone as I was him. I was incredibly aware of where he was when he was near me. Even if I didn't see him there, I KNEW he was there. Like, if he left the nurses station, I'd know when he came back even if my back was to him. I KNEW when he was staring at me. He'd always talk to me during the shift and make it a point to help me if he could. He always knew which patient's room I was in. He would even come find me to ask me if he would help me. At one point, I swear he was going to actually try to pursue me. Every time I turned around he was standing there. It was almost like he was waiting for me to make the first move. I choked. I couldn't do it. It went on that way for a couple of weeks. I regret it now. So bad. Then, all I could do was panic that he was interested in me and the guilt I felt because he was married. He had to have known I had it bad for him. I don't know how the whole department didn't know, even though I kept it tight under wraps. I was very careful to treat him just like everyone else. Only two people and God know for sure about J. One of those people is me, the other is my best friend. NOW I don't care that he's married. NOW I just miss him and just think about how he's all I want. I still sit here and hope he would text me again. I know he's not going to. I'll never see him or hear from him again. I missed my only opportunity to have him.
I worry that I will NEVER feel like that about someone again. I worry that no one will EVER look at me like he did. What this was was so rare for me. He saw me. ME. The woman that is invisible to men....he saw me.
So. So so so. That was the most exciting thing today. Worked more on my picture and made good progress on it. Only teared up once today, even if I did remain sad and "crying on the inside" for a while.
Still trying to work through and around this thing with J. Yes, I'm still stupid. I think there's a lot of stuff that I need to process about WHY I fell so hard for him. I think too there's a lot of stuff that I need to process about what was the whole point of this. I mean, everything happens for a reason, right? What good reason could there be for this crap? I'm not into self-torture so I didn't set out to feel this way when it started. When it started it was so unexpected. I had worked with him for over a year and never thought about him that way. Then, just one night he had this little elderly patient and I remember he kinda patted her on her head to comfort her and I distinctly remember a little twitch in the area where my heart would be. After that, it just grew. This was just after Thanksgiving, so since just after Thanksgiving it got worse and grew and took on it's own life. Now, here I am, heartbroken. Part of me thinks that I shouldn't have left him. Maybe if I hadn't of left eventually he would have picked me over his wife. More than likely, I would have stood there pining for him for the rest of the time he worked there and I'd die an old woman and he would STILL be with his wife.
I have never been as attracted to someone as I was him. I was incredibly aware of where he was when he was near me. Even if I didn't see him there, I KNEW he was there. Like, if he left the nurses station, I'd know when he came back even if my back was to him. I KNEW when he was staring at me. He'd always talk to me during the shift and make it a point to help me if he could. He always knew which patient's room I was in. He would even come find me to ask me if he would help me. At one point, I swear he was going to actually try to pursue me. Every time I turned around he was standing there. It was almost like he was waiting for me to make the first move. I choked. I couldn't do it. It went on that way for a couple of weeks. I regret it now. So bad. Then, all I could do was panic that he was interested in me and the guilt I felt because he was married. He had to have known I had it bad for him. I don't know how the whole department didn't know, even though I kept it tight under wraps. I was very careful to treat him just like everyone else. Only two people and God know for sure about J. One of those people is me, the other is my best friend. NOW I don't care that he's married. NOW I just miss him and just think about how he's all I want. I still sit here and hope he would text me again. I know he's not going to. I'll never see him or hear from him again. I missed my only opportunity to have him.
I worry that I will NEVER feel like that about someone again. I worry that no one will EVER look at me like he did. What this was was so rare for me. He saw me. ME. The woman that is invisible to men....he saw me.