We & Us
There are those of us in life that are always thirsting and grasping for something different. Something to distract us from normalcy and the impending doom of a mundane existence.
For us there is no “just relax,” or “easy does it.” In fact these phrases are a direct insult to us.
I wish I could say that I know why we are like this. Most of us know that it is a useless pursuit we are on, but we know of no other way to be. At the end of the day our only comfort and consolation is that perhaps today will be the last day. Perhaps tomorrow simply will not come.
Now I am not trying to say that we are always actively suicidal for that just isn’t the case. We are exhausted. Tired of the struggle to keep our anxieties at bay long enough to breathe. Long enough to feel whole, if only for a moment.
Alas, sometimes the only reprieve we get is an hour engrossed in a good book like Siddhartha or Pride and Prejudice. Or perhaps a couple hours watching a film like Dr. Zhivago.
The only problem is that, too often, these distractions just aren’t enough. They don’t suffice to soothe us. Even as we enjoy them we are perpetually living in the thought of the next hour. Living in the now is one of our problems.
I don’t know why I use the term we and us to describe myself. Perhaps it is because I am forever searching for the others, or another, who can stifle the screaming in my soul. Someone, or some other people who can understand the agony, and in by doing so strip it from me.
In the end I know, or I’ve been shown, that the only other I really need is a higher power. A spiritual footing on which to experience life. At times this just doesn’t seem like enough either.
I want a tangible savior. Is this too much to ask? Perhaps it is. Maybe it’s the questioning that leads me into the depths of torment. I’ve had that realization before, though, it seldom does much for me.
I formerly mentioned that distractions do little for me. This isn’t wholly true. For example; Siddhartha offered me much solace when I read it for the first time. In fact I felt stunningly changed after completing it.
I had a new lease on life. I felt lifted up. As though all the pain and suffering I’ve experienced in my life were the tide before the calm. The green sky before an amazing tornado of renewal.
“I have had to experience so much stupidity, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew.”
Siddhartha, Herman Hesse
Eventually that feeling faded as misery continued with no relief in sight.
No, the real way to become whole is through emotion regulation (or so a therapist told me). Through the maintenance of physical, emotional, and spiritual fitness. Sometimes prayer can seem so empty. Sometimes I have no energy for physical activity. Sometimes I just don’t know whether I can be anymore.
For us there is no “just relax,” or “easy does it.” In fact these phrases are a direct insult to us.
I wish I could say that I know why we are like this. Most of us know that it is a useless pursuit we are on, but we know of no other way to be. At the end of the day our only comfort and consolation is that perhaps today will be the last day. Perhaps tomorrow simply will not come.
Now I am not trying to say that we are always actively suicidal for that just isn’t the case. We are exhausted. Tired of the struggle to keep our anxieties at bay long enough to breathe. Long enough to feel whole, if only for a moment.
Alas, sometimes the only reprieve we get is an hour engrossed in a good book like Siddhartha or Pride and Prejudice. Or perhaps a couple hours watching a film like Dr. Zhivago.
The only problem is that, too often, these distractions just aren’t enough. They don’t suffice to soothe us. Even as we enjoy them we are perpetually living in the thought of the next hour. Living in the now is one of our problems.
I don’t know why I use the term we and us to describe myself. Perhaps it is because I am forever searching for the others, or another, who can stifle the screaming in my soul. Someone, or some other people who can understand the agony, and in by doing so strip it from me.
In the end I know, or I’ve been shown, that the only other I really need is a higher power. A spiritual footing on which to experience life. At times this just doesn’t seem like enough either.
I want a tangible savior. Is this too much to ask? Perhaps it is. Maybe it’s the questioning that leads me into the depths of torment. I’ve had that realization before, though, it seldom does much for me.
I formerly mentioned that distractions do little for me. This isn’t wholly true. For example; Siddhartha offered me much solace when I read it for the first time. In fact I felt stunningly changed after completing it.
I had a new lease on life. I felt lifted up. As though all the pain and suffering I’ve experienced in my life were the tide before the calm. The green sky before an amazing tornado of renewal.
“I have had to experience so much stupidity, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew.”
Siddhartha, Herman Hesse
Eventually that feeling faded as misery continued with no relief in sight.
No, the real way to become whole is through emotion regulation (or so a therapist told me). Through the maintenance of physical, emotional, and spiritual fitness. Sometimes prayer can seem so empty. Sometimes I have no energy for physical activity. Sometimes I just don’t know whether I can be anymore.