Some history
Ok, going to use this as a way to vent and heal from some inner issues.
Before I was 11 years old I have very few memories. I have been told it is because of some abuses I suffered (lol but I cant validate that for sure) I do know that my mom, dad and step dad were very abusive during my teenaged years.
When I was 12 my step dad decided he really found me sexy and began molesting me, my mom, at the time was into the "swing" scene and also into drugs and she told me she wanted my step dad to be "my first" sheesh, I look back now and think that something was terribly wrong with THAT picture. I moved in with my biological father (who was an alcoholic and a drug addict as well as abusive) and finished high school. When I graduated my boyfriend (he later became my first husband) and I moved into an apartment. The boyfriend thought it was fun and appropriate to whip me with a belt when I "misbehaved", slapped me around and cheated on me. I married him in April 1985. In Oct 1985 I found out I was expecting a baby and I was thrilled! My beloved Granna was dying from cancer and this just made her so happy during her final 2 months of life, to be able to think of a baby coming rather than her death. In December of that same year my Granna passed away, thank god she never knew how abusive my husband at the time was :(
Well right after this, in January 1986 my husband at the time decided he wanted to become a Jehovahs Witness. He told me that I was going to do as he said "or else" and so I began studying with them. I was reluctant and did everything I could to avoid their meetings etc, but bcz I was in a big time abused wife cycle I followed like a little lamb to the slaughter. In June of 86 my daughter was born and she was the light of my life. She was so precious to me and I was so scared of losing her. The next few years were a time of torment and hell (with the husband and the religion) but my daughter was my sunshine. This cult cut me off from my "worldly" family, severing every tie to anyone I had that was not in the "truth" . I was miserable, unhappy and didn't know that being ridiculed, hit, "spanked", verbally beaten etc was wrong and that if someone loved me they wouldn't do these things. After all I had been raised in much the same situations (of abuse). So I plodded along, praying that when this "Armageddon" came, I would be mercifully killed bcz I just wasn't able to be the "perfect witness" and even then I didn't want to live an eternity with a group of hypocrites. I gave up not only family, but all holidays, all celebrations, and forced to lock away my personal spiritual beliefs and "gifts" of intuitive etc. My darling daughter was made to sit through meetings 5 times a week. Not counting home bible study (or family study as they called it). It was horrible. As a "good witness wife" I had turned over all control to my husband who told me what to do and when, including the paying of bills. (little did I know he was using my name and my signature to keep himself smelling like a rose). In 1990 I discovered I was expecting again, much to the chagrin of the witnesses who said "it would be better to wait until the new system". I gave birth to my son in May 1991. And my goodness...I was absolutely thrilled, I had my daughter that was my sunshine, and my son that was my joy..I couldn't have been happier with my kids. The darkest spot in my life was this "religion", one that forbade blood, even if you were dying, forbade being patriotic, forbade any holidays, and stated that it was better to be killed or let your kids be killed than to "forsake Jehovah" (or his organization), They also stated that a woman was to be in subjection to her husband, to the religion and that basically a woman was nothing more than property. Sure , on the outside, they appeared loving and caring, but within the walls of their kingdom halls, they wished for the death of the worldly wicked people, they abducted children from their worldly parents and hid them, they lied in courts regarding their beliefs, they hid pedophile within their midst and never told parents their were child molesters right there, and so much more. It was and IS awful how this horrid religion is still able to pretend to be so wonderful and still carry on the way they do. :(
So, on January 2, 1992, my husband was going to meeting, I had a horrid migraine (very common for me at the time) and stayed home, he said that he wasn't going to take the "baby" bcz he was "too much trouble" and then he took my daughter and left. At 10:05 PM, I received a knock on my door...two strangers standing there...both looking very sad(No it wasn't a police officer, just two scruffy strangers) and told me that there had been an accident. I got in the car and went to the hospital. I don't remember much of the next three weeks, except being told that my husband was fine and my daughter was dead, then being led in to identify her tiny body. I then saw a black void before me and knew that all I had to do was step into it and I wouldn't hurt any more, then I heard my 7 month old son crying for me, and instead of leaping into that void, I reached for my son. (So he saved my life) It seems that a 16 year old, who had his license less than a month and got a truck for Christmas was doing 95 in a 35 and lost control, hitting our van head on and killing my angel. She had her seat belt on and she died instantly...this was the beginning of the change in my life path.
The loss of my daughter was more devastating and more painful than anything I had ever, and have ever experienced. :( I would look into the mirror and not recognize the person looking out at me. I eventually had a nervous break down and went in for treatment. This is where I learned what appropriate treatment is of humans (mainly me) and began to get strong (Oh how my husband at the time hate that, as did the Jehovahs Witnesses). I was getting mentally , emotionally and spiritually strong and made a choice, after being beaten not only in front of my son, but also in front of others, finding out I had herniated discs, fractures and so many other problems (from the beatings) that I would forever walk like an old woman, at the age of 32. I developed a gastrointestinal disorder and the Doctor told me that if certain areas of my life didn't improve I would die. (please understand I am leaving out tons and tons of the abuse, etc)
In 1995 my son had 5 strokes and I almost lost him. I began working even harder to become a strong woman, and this caused the beatings to become more frequent, as well as the "meetings" with the elders to chastise me for not being spiritual enough.
I continued to try to repair the marriage, but not lose "me" again, having been told that I shouldn't make any major life changing decisions for one year after treatment stops. (Me being an over achiever I gave it 2 years *rolls eyes at myself*)
In 1998 my husband began spending a lot of time with this 15 years old girl, sometimes staying out until 4 AM and then knocking me around if I said anything.
Then after some financial problems caused by my ex, that he blamed and shifted to me, I was beaten in front of my son, and mother in law at a Jehovahs Witness convention, yet my husband claimed it was merely discipline, ...discipline that involved him beating me in my lower back (right where he knew the herniated discs were and are), He then turned on my son, berating this baby for 6 hours about eating the middles out of four oreo cookies and throwing away the cookie part. (it was years before my son could eat an oreo without shaking and trembling) Bcz he turned on my son, I began to fear the physical abuse would soon follow, and I packed up my son and ran to California, where I obtained a restraining order against my husband, a 3 years one (very difficult to get, unless lots of proof!) My husband broke this order over and over trying to abduct my son. (I would say "our" son, but I was the only real parent) My husband claimed the restraining order didn't apply to him bcz he was from Texas. He then went back to Texas, filed for divorce under the grounds that he said he didn't know where I was (yet I have police reports where he broke the restraining order) and filed it by public notice. He was acquainted with the presiding judge and was able to get away with it. Bcz I didn't have long enough residency in CA I wasn't able to file for divorce there or request the venue be changed :( So I moved to New Orleans (I had met Josh while in CA but we both agreed that until I was free, we couldn't have a relationship) Josh had moved to New orleans and so was his Step sister who invited me and my son to live with her. This entire time I am not only fighting the custody battle, but also having to deal with other trumped up charges that my ex had caused, forced and fabricated.
Eventually the divorce was finalized, but bcz I had a shitty lawyer and wasn't friends with the judge I lost custody of my son, The judge said "The mom has had him long enough" and poof, I wasn't allowed to show police reports, medical records, nada.
I went home, in tears...and Josh did everything he could to help me see that it wasn't the end of the world. We married a few months later, and then moved to Texas to be closer to my son, making visits much easier. (We have joint custody and I get lots of visitation thank god) Well all in all, the past few years have been hard, with my son having to live there and coming here and telling me about his dad saying he would let a killer kill my son before he (the ex) would walk away from that cult, telling me of his father dating this same teenager he had been seeing before I left him. Eventually, even though he denied it in court, he married the bimbo, as soon as she turned 18. This bimbo is mean to my son, says cruel things and then tries to say she is his mom. I am filing for custody, bcz my son is almost 12, wants to live with me, but I have to save the money for a GOOD lawyer this time, and that's not easy. I work form the home, and some months we barely scrape by, but I am determined that this is GOING to happen.
*takes a deep breath* Well, I have certainly filled your ears tonight, and in actuality I didn't even scratch the surface lol, so I will stop now, and fill in the bits and pieces later ...maybe...if I need to lol.
Before I was 11 years old I have very few memories. I have been told it is because of some abuses I suffered (lol but I cant validate that for sure) I do know that my mom, dad and step dad were very abusive during my teenaged years.
When I was 12 my step dad decided he really found me sexy and began molesting me, my mom, at the time was into the "swing" scene and also into drugs and she told me she wanted my step dad to be "my first" sheesh, I look back now and think that something was terribly wrong with THAT picture. I moved in with my biological father (who was an alcoholic and a drug addict as well as abusive) and finished high school. When I graduated my boyfriend (he later became my first husband) and I moved into an apartment. The boyfriend thought it was fun and appropriate to whip me with a belt when I "misbehaved", slapped me around and cheated on me. I married him in April 1985. In Oct 1985 I found out I was expecting a baby and I was thrilled! My beloved Granna was dying from cancer and this just made her so happy during her final 2 months of life, to be able to think of a baby coming rather than her death. In December of that same year my Granna passed away, thank god she never knew how abusive my husband at the time was :(
Well right after this, in January 1986 my husband at the time decided he wanted to become a Jehovahs Witness. He told me that I was going to do as he said "or else" and so I began studying with them. I was reluctant and did everything I could to avoid their meetings etc, but bcz I was in a big time abused wife cycle I followed like a little lamb to the slaughter. In June of 86 my daughter was born and she was the light of my life. She was so precious to me and I was so scared of losing her. The next few years were a time of torment and hell (with the husband and the religion) but my daughter was my sunshine. This cult cut me off from my "worldly" family, severing every tie to anyone I had that was not in the "truth" . I was miserable, unhappy and didn't know that being ridiculed, hit, "spanked", verbally beaten etc was wrong and that if someone loved me they wouldn't do these things. After all I had been raised in much the same situations (of abuse). So I plodded along, praying that when this "Armageddon" came, I would be mercifully killed bcz I just wasn't able to be the "perfect witness" and even then I didn't want to live an eternity with a group of hypocrites. I gave up not only family, but all holidays, all celebrations, and forced to lock away my personal spiritual beliefs and "gifts" of intuitive etc. My darling daughter was made to sit through meetings 5 times a week. Not counting home bible study (or family study as they called it). It was horrible. As a "good witness wife" I had turned over all control to my husband who told me what to do and when, including the paying of bills. (little did I know he was using my name and my signature to keep himself smelling like a rose). In 1990 I discovered I was expecting again, much to the chagrin of the witnesses who said "it would be better to wait until the new system". I gave birth to my son in May 1991. And my goodness...I was absolutely thrilled, I had my daughter that was my sunshine, and my son that was my joy..I couldn't have been happier with my kids. The darkest spot in my life was this "religion", one that forbade blood, even if you were dying, forbade being patriotic, forbade any holidays, and stated that it was better to be killed or let your kids be killed than to "forsake Jehovah" (or his organization), They also stated that a woman was to be in subjection to her husband, to the religion and that basically a woman was nothing more than property. Sure , on the outside, they appeared loving and caring, but within the walls of their kingdom halls, they wished for the death of the worldly wicked people, they abducted children from their worldly parents and hid them, they lied in courts regarding their beliefs, they hid pedophile within their midst and never told parents their were child molesters right there, and so much more. It was and IS awful how this horrid religion is still able to pretend to be so wonderful and still carry on the way they do. :(
So, on January 2, 1992, my husband was going to meeting, I had a horrid migraine (very common for me at the time) and stayed home, he said that he wasn't going to take the "baby" bcz he was "too much trouble" and then he took my daughter and left. At 10:05 PM, I received a knock on my door...two strangers standing there...both looking very sad(No it wasn't a police officer, just two scruffy strangers) and told me that there had been an accident. I got in the car and went to the hospital. I don't remember much of the next three weeks, except being told that my husband was fine and my daughter was dead, then being led in to identify her tiny body. I then saw a black void before me and knew that all I had to do was step into it and I wouldn't hurt any more, then I heard my 7 month old son crying for me, and instead of leaping into that void, I reached for my son. (So he saved my life) It seems that a 16 year old, who had his license less than a month and got a truck for Christmas was doing 95 in a 35 and lost control, hitting our van head on and killing my angel. She had her seat belt on and she died instantly...this was the beginning of the change in my life path.
The loss of my daughter was more devastating and more painful than anything I had ever, and have ever experienced. :( I would look into the mirror and not recognize the person looking out at me. I eventually had a nervous break down and went in for treatment. This is where I learned what appropriate treatment is of humans (mainly me) and began to get strong (Oh how my husband at the time hate that, as did the Jehovahs Witnesses). I was getting mentally , emotionally and spiritually strong and made a choice, after being beaten not only in front of my son, but also in front of others, finding out I had herniated discs, fractures and so many other problems (from the beatings) that I would forever walk like an old woman, at the age of 32. I developed a gastrointestinal disorder and the Doctor told me that if certain areas of my life didn't improve I would die. (please understand I am leaving out tons and tons of the abuse, etc)
In 1995 my son had 5 strokes and I almost lost him. I began working even harder to become a strong woman, and this caused the beatings to become more frequent, as well as the "meetings" with the elders to chastise me for not being spiritual enough.
I continued to try to repair the marriage, but not lose "me" again, having been told that I shouldn't make any major life changing decisions for one year after treatment stops. (Me being an over achiever I gave it 2 years *rolls eyes at myself*)
In 1998 my husband began spending a lot of time with this 15 years old girl, sometimes staying out until 4 AM and then knocking me around if I said anything.
Then after some financial problems caused by my ex, that he blamed and shifted to me, I was beaten in front of my son, and mother in law at a Jehovahs Witness convention, yet my husband claimed it was merely discipline, ...discipline that involved him beating me in my lower back (right where he knew the herniated discs were and are), He then turned on my son, berating this baby for 6 hours about eating the middles out of four oreo cookies and throwing away the cookie part. (it was years before my son could eat an oreo without shaking and trembling) Bcz he turned on my son, I began to fear the physical abuse would soon follow, and I packed up my son and ran to California, where I obtained a restraining order against my husband, a 3 years one (very difficult to get, unless lots of proof!) My husband broke this order over and over trying to abduct my son. (I would say "our" son, but I was the only real parent) My husband claimed the restraining order didn't apply to him bcz he was from Texas. He then went back to Texas, filed for divorce under the grounds that he said he didn't know where I was (yet I have police reports where he broke the restraining order) and filed it by public notice. He was acquainted with the presiding judge and was able to get away with it. Bcz I didn't have long enough residency in CA I wasn't able to file for divorce there or request the venue be changed :( So I moved to New Orleans (I had met Josh while in CA but we both agreed that until I was free, we couldn't have a relationship) Josh had moved to New orleans and so was his Step sister who invited me and my son to live with her. This entire time I am not only fighting the custody battle, but also having to deal with other trumped up charges that my ex had caused, forced and fabricated.
Eventually the divorce was finalized, but bcz I had a shitty lawyer and wasn't friends with the judge I lost custody of my son, The judge said "The mom has had him long enough" and poof, I wasn't allowed to show police reports, medical records, nada.
I went home, in tears...and Josh did everything he could to help me see that it wasn't the end of the world. We married a few months later, and then moved to Texas to be closer to my son, making visits much easier. (We have joint custody and I get lots of visitation thank god) Well all in all, the past few years have been hard, with my son having to live there and coming here and telling me about his dad saying he would let a killer kill my son before he (the ex) would walk away from that cult, telling me of his father dating this same teenager he had been seeing before I left him. Eventually, even though he denied it in court, he married the bimbo, as soon as she turned 18. This bimbo is mean to my son, says cruel things and then tries to say she is his mom. I am filing for custody, bcz my son is almost 12, wants to live with me, but I have to save the money for a GOOD lawyer this time, and that's not easy. I work form the home, and some months we barely scrape by, but I am determined that this is GOING to happen.
*takes a deep breath* Well, I have certainly filled your ears tonight, and in actuality I didn't even scratch the surface lol, so I will stop now, and fill in the bits and pieces later ...maybe...if I need to lol.