heavy water/i'd rather be sleeping.
i don't fall asleep before sunrise anymore.
some days, i am still asleep when you're counting down the minutes to your drive home from work. other days, i never went to bed.
rang the 29th bell with swimming, a burger, fries, freshly squeezed lemonade, vodka sodas, lone stars, newcastles, & friends stripping down to their skivvies & jumping off a roof into a pool.
periodically making out with an unfortunately nice boy named kevin (ohhhhh, the hilarity), & only feeling guilty in the moments leading up to the touch. not during or after. but i still want him to fawn over me because, for some reason, he does. & i don't want it to stop. sad. & the most polar of all opposites. when did i become such an asshole. at least i've told him how i feel...or more like DON'T feel. for some reason it doesn't stop him. but i know i desperately need to knock this off. for both our sakes.
not friends with scott anymore. i only miss him when hating myself. makes sense now. after asking that he not try to get in touch with me anymore, he hung a birthday present on my doorknob knowing full well that i was at a wedding with my most ill-behaved friends. which meant he knew i'd stagger home wasted & lonely, in perfect form to give him a call & sob & ask questions & share bits of the life i am leading without him & ask questions about his & labor & lament & regret the decision i'd made a month & a half before to drop him the hell out of my life. what a piece of shit. i mean, fuck. really? what a sick, backwards person he is. but, hey. further knowledge of his crooked selfishness just makes moving on that much easier.
onward & upward.
some days, i am still asleep when you're counting down the minutes to your drive home from work. other days, i never went to bed.
rang the 29th bell with swimming, a burger, fries, freshly squeezed lemonade, vodka sodas, lone stars, newcastles, & friends stripping down to their skivvies & jumping off a roof into a pool.
periodically making out with an unfortunately nice boy named kevin (ohhhhh, the hilarity), & only feeling guilty in the moments leading up to the touch. not during or after. but i still want him to fawn over me because, for some reason, he does. & i don't want it to stop. sad. & the most polar of all opposites. when did i become such an asshole. at least i've told him how i feel...or more like DON'T feel. for some reason it doesn't stop him. but i know i desperately need to knock this off. for both our sakes.
not friends with scott anymore. i only miss him when hating myself. makes sense now. after asking that he not try to get in touch with me anymore, he hung a birthday present on my doorknob knowing full well that i was at a wedding with my most ill-behaved friends. which meant he knew i'd stagger home wasted & lonely, in perfect form to give him a call & sob & ask questions & share bits of the life i am leading without him & ask questions about his & labor & lament & regret the decision i'd made a month & a half before to drop him the hell out of my life. what a piece of shit. i mean, fuck. really? what a sick, backwards person he is. but, hey. further knowledge of his crooked selfishness just makes moving on that much easier.
onward & upward.