"..weep not, for the memories.."
Winter Vacation = miserably and slowly starting. My last night was tonight anddd it was alright. I wasn't feeling well and I had things on my mind and I was very hungry. I ate some chicken soup earlier and it was tasty. The Winter Assembly was alright. Ensemble got what they wanted but when don't they?! Meh, whatev. I'm dreading this, and a heartfelt entry to go along, who couldn't see that coming. I'll be gone all next week up until either the day before or on New Year's eve, fyi. I saw my grandmother's friend today getting her nails done. And I saw my grandmother inside of her, I almost started crying. But I don't cry in front of people much, so it wouldn't be good for me. Heh, I miss her. I've gotten homework to do over this break. *monotonely speaking* -- happy happy, joy joy.
Wow, who would've thought this cheerful brightful holiday season would so much cheer. You know, I never thought it could happen to me but unfortunately, it did. My grandmother, being gone and being involved with everything apart our holiday celebration, has made it inifinitive the times of it being hard (if that makes sense). My mother told me she read an article saying for all of those mother's who try to make their family's Christmas a "perfect" one, not to stress - for when you [the mother] was a child, their Christmas wasn't "perfect", it just appealed to them it was because they were children. But anyways, more and more each day it's getting very hard, and I have a feeling that this upcoming year won't be any easier, whatsoever. My grandfather, is dying. Lord, help me. I'm growing up and growing through a stage in my life where I'm now noticing everything isn't perfect, and that it's life. Everything's apart of you so much everyday, clinged to you for when you lose it just for one day, it's like, you're just, not alive. I apologize for this rambling. The holiday's really isn't about all of the presents, it's about tradition, and family. It's about opening one present per person on Christmas Eve, and setting the cookies and milk out for, Santa. It's about keeping the spirit and belief alive for as long as children can take it in. It's when your grandmother spends Christmas Eve night here at our house every year of my life. It's about, spending time with your family and eating cinnamon spice cake on Christmas Morning and watching the holiday specials. It's about, the anticipation of opening the gifts and all of the big one's that Santa left, you want to open them so bad, with the dim light and the darkness outside, and the, the coffee your father makes him and your grandmother so they can stay awake to watch us open our gifts. It's about, my grandmother sitting over there in the blue chair, smiling and patiently waiting for her Chantilly. Which is the first time this year we haven't bought it in over 16 years. It's about you and your older brother keeping the spirit alive even though you know there is no, Santa. But you show the spirit to let the youngest brother know, there really is such a jolly old man in a red suit with a bag full of presents. It's about the holiday specials on television, the sales at the store. That mad rush. The, adrenelin. The, passion. The, realization that nothing like this could ever happen to you, and it hits you so goddamn hard to know that, she isn't coming back this time around. It's just going to be my mother, father, and two brothers this time. That you're growing up. That, you have to move on, and remember not the last site you see of your grandmother, but the first and last brilliant memories that your grandmother has seen throughtout your years of growing up, and being just about everything but a parent to you. So, as I type with of course the screen smudged with the glare of tears in my eyes, I realize -- it's never turning back. What's here and real, is what, is here and real. And this time, it's hitting hard, knowing she really isn't there this time around. You just have to hang on to the pictures and memories, and never forget the place in my heart for her, and the candle still burning there for her. We're going to the cemetary tomorrow. Let's, just leave it as that.
Happy Holidays, take it in, and celebrate what not everyone celebrate's it for, but what people say it's for. If that makes sense.
"I'm so tired, I can't sleep.
Clinging to a past that's something much too deep.
Once there was a darkness,
A deep and endless night.
You gave me everything you had,
Oh, you gave me light.
And I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by.
Weep not, for the memories..."