(no subject)
It is so hard for me to find the words to express how I feel right now.
Not only have I just lost my mother, I have lost my best friend.
My mother and I had a very unique relationship. I haven't lived with her since I was 5 years old, and yet, we were closer than most mothers and daughters ever could have been.
Every morning when I woke up, the first thing I would do is reach over for my phone and call my mom. When I wake up now... I don't know what to do with myself... We would call each other at least 5 times every day... She was my biggest source of support... My biggest fan. She loved me more than anyone ever could...
She was the best mother she could be. The one thing she always did right is that she loved her children unconditionally, purely, more than life itself. Her children were her life. I was her best friend, and she was mine.
In a situation like this, when I am so upset and heartbroken, the first thing I would do is call my mother. I find myself out of habit, reaching for my phone and halfway through dialing her number I realize that she won't pick up... And I can't stop the tears.
Its so sad that my mother and I don't share very many physical memories that I can reflect on... My best memories of my mom are the daily phone calls. We told each other everything... I called her so many times, crying... Screaming... In crisis... And no matter what, she would always tell me "Don't worry sweetie, we will get through this... Don't worry honey, we will find a way... Don't worry Jillian, all things happen for a reason..." No matter what was going on in her life, I was always most important to her. Any crisis, and she was always there for me, to listen and to encourage, and to help in any way she can.
I have never lost anyone really close to me before... So this grieving thing is very new to me. I have gone through so many emotions in the past 3 weeks... Extreme sadness, disappointment, guilt, anger... An entire spectrum of feelings. The worst thing I feel is guilt. I have discovered that when someone dies, you realize just how much more you could have appreciated them. It is so hard for me to say that I took my mother's presence for granted... There is so much that I keep telling myself I "could have" done... So much I :should have" done... So much I "would have" done... The last time I talked to her, I called her crying... Desperate. I was kicked out of my house, and begging her to help me. She was so overwhelmed, and couldn't handle hearing me cry, so she broke down to tears along with me. She so much wanted to help me, but she didn't know what to do. I was frustrated that she couldn't help me, but I don't even know what I expected her to do. When we hung up, she said she loved me, and I just said "okay." I wish I would have told her how much I love her...
Sadly, it is too late for the should have, could have, would haves... I can't make plans anymore, all I have left to hold on to is memories. I will always remember my mother's laugh. She had the sweetest, most innocent giggle. The sound of her voice... So beautiful and soothing... Even the way she blew her nose. Now this may sound strange, but if you know my mom, you'd know that the way she blew her nose was epic. Was that a foghorn? No... That was just Kristin with allergies. I always teased her for it, and we'd just laugh about it.
I will always remember my mother's appreciation for beauty. She liked to dress up and wear makeup and style her hair... She was such a girly girl. She liked decorating... She loved making beautiful things... She was so into crafts. I still have blankets she crocheted, wreaths and dream catchers and jewelery boxes... My favorite thing though, was the jewelery she made. This past year, she would send me a package every couple weeks... Full of candy and jewelery she had made, and beads so I could make the same kinds of things she made. So even though we were apart, we would make jewelery together.
I will always remember calling her, and she'd be in the kitchen baking cookies. She loved sweets... Her house was like a treasure hunt. You could look around for just a few minutes, and find a stash of candy and goodies somewhere.
I hope you will all remember my mother as a sweet, gentle, caring woman. A selfless mother, and a great friend. Her memory will always live through me... In everything I do, I will never forget her, and I will always love her, appreciate her, and miss her.
Not only have I just lost my mother, I have lost my best friend.
My mother and I had a very unique relationship. I haven't lived with her since I was 5 years old, and yet, we were closer than most mothers and daughters ever could have been.
Every morning when I woke up, the first thing I would do is reach over for my phone and call my mom. When I wake up now... I don't know what to do with myself... We would call each other at least 5 times every day... She was my biggest source of support... My biggest fan. She loved me more than anyone ever could...
She was the best mother she could be. The one thing she always did right is that she loved her children unconditionally, purely, more than life itself. Her children were her life. I was her best friend, and she was mine.
In a situation like this, when I am so upset and heartbroken, the first thing I would do is call my mother. I find myself out of habit, reaching for my phone and halfway through dialing her number I realize that she won't pick up... And I can't stop the tears.
Its so sad that my mother and I don't share very many physical memories that I can reflect on... My best memories of my mom are the daily phone calls. We told each other everything... I called her so many times, crying... Screaming... In crisis... And no matter what, she would always tell me "Don't worry sweetie, we will get through this... Don't worry honey, we will find a way... Don't worry Jillian, all things happen for a reason..." No matter what was going on in her life, I was always most important to her. Any crisis, and she was always there for me, to listen and to encourage, and to help in any way she can.
I have never lost anyone really close to me before... So this grieving thing is very new to me. I have gone through so many emotions in the past 3 weeks... Extreme sadness, disappointment, guilt, anger... An entire spectrum of feelings. The worst thing I feel is guilt. I have discovered that when someone dies, you realize just how much more you could have appreciated them. It is so hard for me to say that I took my mother's presence for granted... There is so much that I keep telling myself I "could have" done... So much I :should have" done... So much I "would have" done... The last time I talked to her, I called her crying... Desperate. I was kicked out of my house, and begging her to help me. She was so overwhelmed, and couldn't handle hearing me cry, so she broke down to tears along with me. She so much wanted to help me, but she didn't know what to do. I was frustrated that she couldn't help me, but I don't even know what I expected her to do. When we hung up, she said she loved me, and I just said "okay." I wish I would have told her how much I love her...
Sadly, it is too late for the should have, could have, would haves... I can't make plans anymore, all I have left to hold on to is memories. I will always remember my mother's laugh. She had the sweetest, most innocent giggle. The sound of her voice... So beautiful and soothing... Even the way she blew her nose. Now this may sound strange, but if you know my mom, you'd know that the way she blew her nose was epic. Was that a foghorn? No... That was just Kristin with allergies. I always teased her for it, and we'd just laugh about it.
I will always remember my mother's appreciation for beauty. She liked to dress up and wear makeup and style her hair... She was such a girly girl. She liked decorating... She loved making beautiful things... She was so into crafts. I still have blankets she crocheted, wreaths and dream catchers and jewelery boxes... My favorite thing though, was the jewelery she made. This past year, she would send me a package every couple weeks... Full of candy and jewelery she had made, and beads so I could make the same kinds of things she made. So even though we were apart, we would make jewelery together.
I will always remember calling her, and she'd be in the kitchen baking cookies. She loved sweets... Her house was like a treasure hunt. You could look around for just a few minutes, and find a stash of candy and goodies somewhere.
I hope you will all remember my mother as a sweet, gentle, caring woman. A selfless mother, and a great friend. Her memory will always live through me... In everything I do, I will never forget her, and I will always love her, appreciate her, and miss her.