my ear hurts--i'm sure it's nothing wine can't fix
so last night dan and i went out to old c's after dinner with his parents. i felt like i'd been being very solitary lately and i could use a night of really silly fun with friends. also i was EXAUSTED hahaha. i had stayed up till 12 watching olympic gymnastics the night before
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So now for the rest of it… Yeah, haha, I know that story pretty well… And I TOTALLY get what you mean about people not liking you anymore when you’re a lawyer, I’m pretty sure I actually said those same words to several people from Old C’s a few years ago, and here’s the deal, basically, it’s not easy. At some point you will have to make a choice about whether you want to maintain your friendships with people from Old C, with, basically, your white trash friends. Which is a mean way of putting it, obviously, but that’s how it’s gonna feel. I’m sure it already felt that way a little when you were an undergrad, and it’s only going to get MORE that way when you go do the law school thing… For me, I decided that yes, I actually basically liked my blue-collar friends better than I did my lawyer friends, but that decision for me had a lot to do with everything that I was going through at the time with the divorce and whatnot. I think most people probably go the other way with it - and frankly, if I was in law school now instead of then, I think it would be much more likely that I would have just traded groups.
Here’s what it is - when it comes to you debating or wanting to have real conversations with your old friends, with the boys especially (and for sure with some of the girls too, but from now on I’m gonna refer to that whole group as boys cause it’s just easier to write that way), you have to remember who you are to them. To them you are two things that are very difficult to deal with - each one on its own presents problems, and the two together are nearly insurmountable. You are both (1) much smarter than they are, and also (2) a girl. So… If you want to talk to the boys you have to walk this really funny line. I’m gonna explain it, and yeah, it is as sort of complicated as it sounds, but once you get it down you’ll find it’s pretty much the same technique that you, as a woman who is wicked smart, are going to have to employ in most of your relationships for the rest of your life.
So on the one hand because you’re smarter and more well-educated than they are, and they know it, you have to be careful not to appear to them to be throwing those things back at them. So you need to never give them the impression that you are lecturing them, teaching them, or condescending to them - you need to mention their expertise in different areas and also agree with them as often as possible, pointing out the intelligent things they have said, even if ultimately you are doing that while concurrently disagreeing with them - I have had jobs where they referred to this principle as “Yes, I have no bananas.” Get it? Ok, so that’s first, don’t let them feel that you are trying to outsmart them or they will bristle and become difficult.
Ok, on the other hand, you’re a girl, and people get really weird about having debates with women - often even other women don’t care much for it. The reason? There is a fear that at any moment you will stop being logical and you will start being emotional and irrational. In fact, even if you are NOT being emotional and irrational, if you do anything that could be interpreted that way, people will immediately jump on it as a way to discredit you and everything you have to say. So under no circumstances can you appear shrill, angry, weepy, irrational, or emotional. In order to avoid these charges (which you really do want to avoid, because in my experience nothing actually DOES make me feel emotional and shrill like being ACCUSED of acting that way when I know I’m NOT), you have to basically appear TOTALLY unemotional at all times.
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I know this sounds shitty, but I’m not making it up - both boys and white trash, and especially white trash boys, need to be treated a little bit like small children. You can’t do things that make them feel inadequate or patronized, because then they overreact and rebel, but you also can’t allow them to fight you for you Alpha position - you are smarter and stronger than them, and if you don’t assert it you won’t get their respect.
Other than that, use the basic rules that you do with people who you actually like and respect - be polite, be kind, try to actually understand their point of view, and of course - don’t get involved in a debate that has nothing to do with you - we’ve talked about this before and I could explain it to here now, but you know EXACTLY what I mean, so I won’t.
What I’m saying is that you - just being who you are - you are something that automatically inspires fear. You are a strong, intelligent, well-educated woman, with strong opinions, and clear values. You are the single most terrifying thing in existence to a good 90% of the world. So you can be angry about that, you can try to rebel against it, you can insist on proving your own brand of feminism by forcing your idea of appropriate female behavior on people… and you know, if you want to do those things - go for it. I did all that, I tried everything to get around this, ultimately though I didn’t find an out. And when I’ve talked to women like my step-mom and my sisters, all of whom are EXTREMELY successful businesswomen, they say the same thing.
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And I guess there is a silver lining, which is this, as much as it sucks to be the only one in the room who has to adhere to all of these rules, and the only one who can’t express disagreement as straightforwardly as you would like, there is a part of the boys’ brains that does get what’s happening. And if you keep it up, they will realize that you have been a voice of reason, that your opinions are worthwhile, and that a lot of the ideas they take credit for were actually your ideas. As they realize this they will start to treat you better, they will recognize you as an equal.
So sure, it’s shitty - just like the double standard of sexual behavior for women is shitty - but ultimately I don’t think any of us (women) have found a way around it yet. I generally force both issues (sex and equality) a little further than most people, and in return I get called a “dyke” by all the men who can’t accept it. So how you chose to deal with it is always totally up to you, but now hopefully you maybe see a little more clearly the challenges that you’re facing, and also you know what I, and many women like me, have chosen to do. Basically, men condescend to weakness, respond to strength, and rebel against cuckolding. You’ve got to hit that middle ground just right if you want to command their respect.
And as for the last part: When you’re wondering if any of you’re friends are still going to be there when you go through all these changes you’ve got in front of you, when you do all this growing up - remember that I will be. In fact, I’m super looking forward to it : ) And when you’re trying to remember where you’re fantastic is - well, I can always see it - so stop seeing yourself the way Grover sees you, and start seeing yourself the way that I see you. A mirror never reflects the truth, it only reflects the version of the truth that you were expecting to see in the first place - if you expect to see fat, you see fat, if you expect to see thin, you see thin, if you stare at your nose for hours it starts to look huge, and that same way, if you see yourself as unheard or unwanted, you will be come that as well. So color your reflection so that you see it the way that you want it to be, not the way that you’re afraid it could be.
Oh, and above all, never take yourself too seriously, if you can’t laugh with yourself, no one else can laugh with you.
Love and love and love.
- L
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