i heart blogging
i am fighting the self-righteousness monster...
i feel like it is partially with chris. last night i saw B and he was telling me how Chris might have worked out a deal where he will be found guilty on only one felony (from an original 6-7) and get no time--now i'm not sure how accurate that deal is given B is telling it and he heard it via someone who probably heard it from someone. now my first response as a friend is that is GREAT--i would love to see Vincent get such a deal, and it makes me feel so happy for him and like he is really getting grace.
then i have this other part of me that feels...that feels like such a deal isn't right somehow--partially that it doesn't make sense and partially that i'm not clear it's for anyones highest good...i guess i feel like i'd love it if Vincent got grace and came out and changed his ways, but i fear he will get this deal and then just do something else that is hurtful to himself and the community and that it will just feel like he got off easy. i feel like in the end all i can do is put it in the light for the highest good cuz the last thing i want is to feel like he doens't get grace and another chance because of my judgements.
so i feel judgemental of myself for feeling this way--i should just feel happy and i do but i also feel this other thing...uncertainty and disapproval. i hate that
then with shuan i feel like i am just having the hardest time talking to her this visit. i feel like i was sharing this feeling and she started being like "it just seems like you have a lot of power (due to working in the system) and that you could write a letter recommending he not get jail time and get therapy or something" and then i just got so angry. angry cuz that seems like such an abuse of power-to just vouch for someone you have no real idea if they would take such an opporutnity and use it for their upliftment. i felt angry i had to explain this--that there are a lot of people i love who i wouldn't vouch for--i wouldn't give my word they would do something because my word means so much to me and i don't honestly know. i feel like then she was saying how to deal with the honor board thing she and yuan could probably get me a letter of recommendation from someone important in government (cuz yuan works for the democratic party and has connections). and that made me super angry, like i don't want to get into law school cuz of some letter from someone who's never met me and it seemed like a cheesleezy move
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh and i don't know why i'm so angry or so judgy. i know she's just trying to be helfpul, to do whatever she can to help me cuz she loves me. and i know when she goes on rants about the end of ratatoli THREE TIMES during like a 2 hour period she is just trying to express something she cares about. i just wish sometimes it didn't have to come out in a way that felt so superior and at times condescending (like when she was like--it seems like all the time spent on sites like myspace and facebook should be spent doing something else--and i'm like GOD FORBID someone have a hobbie you don't have yourself shuan arghajdklfjoanbgljagj).
i want to feel less judgy and more loving--with everyone but especially with my sister, since i spend so little time with her. i'm just having a really hard time relating and connecting heart to heart. blah
i feel like it is partially with chris. last night i saw B and he was telling me how Chris might have worked out a deal where he will be found guilty on only one felony (from an original 6-7) and get no time--now i'm not sure how accurate that deal is given B is telling it and he heard it via someone who probably heard it from someone. now my first response as a friend is that is GREAT--i would love to see Vincent get such a deal, and it makes me feel so happy for him and like he is really getting grace.
then i have this other part of me that feels...that feels like such a deal isn't right somehow--partially that it doesn't make sense and partially that i'm not clear it's for anyones highest good...i guess i feel like i'd love it if Vincent got grace and came out and changed his ways, but i fear he will get this deal and then just do something else that is hurtful to himself and the community and that it will just feel like he got off easy. i feel like in the end all i can do is put it in the light for the highest good cuz the last thing i want is to feel like he doens't get grace and another chance because of my judgements.
so i feel judgemental of myself for feeling this way--i should just feel happy and i do but i also feel this other thing...uncertainty and disapproval. i hate that
then with shuan i feel like i am just having the hardest time talking to her this visit. i feel like i was sharing this feeling and she started being like "it just seems like you have a lot of power (due to working in the system) and that you could write a letter recommending he not get jail time and get therapy or something" and then i just got so angry. angry cuz that seems like such an abuse of power-to just vouch for someone you have no real idea if they would take such an opporutnity and use it for their upliftment. i felt angry i had to explain this--that there are a lot of people i love who i wouldn't vouch for--i wouldn't give my word they would do something because my word means so much to me and i don't honestly know. i feel like then she was saying how to deal with the honor board thing she and yuan could probably get me a letter of recommendation from someone important in government (cuz yuan works for the democratic party and has connections). and that made me super angry, like i don't want to get into law school cuz of some letter from someone who's never met me and it seemed like a cheesleezy move
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh and i don't know why i'm so angry or so judgy. i know she's just trying to be helfpul, to do whatever she can to help me cuz she loves me. and i know when she goes on rants about the end of ratatoli THREE TIMES during like a 2 hour period she is just trying to express something she cares about. i just wish sometimes it didn't have to come out in a way that felt so superior and at times condescending (like when she was like--it seems like all the time spent on sites like myspace and facebook should be spent doing something else--and i'm like GOD FORBID someone have a hobbie you don't have yourself shuan arghajdklfjoanbgljagj).
i want to feel less judgy and more loving--with everyone but especially with my sister, since i spend so little time with her. i'm just having a really hard time relating and connecting heart to heart. blah