Ramblings about love and shit
It's been a while since I've been on the LJ. I have had a lot going on and haven't really known how to write about it. So I've just avoided this whole blogging thing all together.
Recently I have been actually getting out there and making my presence known to the world. Or at least the small little world of Cincinnati and Covington. And the world has been pretty good to me. I am learning a bunch about myself and the dynamics of how I relate to others.
As most of the people in my life would attest to, I am not shy. But I am an extremely introverted person when it comes to relating to members of the opposite sex. Yet again, I am faced with my love issues. I am grown up enough to accept accountability for my own brokenness. I brought myself to this place. But the walls around my heart are beginning to tumble down. This is a good thing. I am letting men in a little bit at a time. It seems silly that I should be so closed off to the possibility of allowing someone to want me. So in that respect I have made a conscious decision to open myself up to that possibility. The rub is, when I am finding myself attracted to a certain guy, he invariably seems either emotionally unavailable or interested in everyone but me. That hurts a little, but I don't expect everyone to appreciate the complexity of me. I am more woman than the majority of men are willing to accept into their lives. Then when someone does show interest in me, I am not attracted to him. So I am spinning in circles on this new journey to let people in. I know all the cliches about love being a numbers game and there are plenty of fish in the sea... blah, blah, blah and all that bullshit. I want love, but it is almost too frightening to actually let my guard down long enough to allow it in.
In the whole accepting accountability for my lack of involvement in the world of relationships, lovers, flirtatious interludes, one night stands, and rendezvous I still feel a bit cheated by the fates. I have been very patient with the world around me. I know I withdrew from these activities voluntarily. But still, couldn't the universe throw me a bone? Or at least a boner? Is it my karma, my fate to be alone? Am I just meant to dangle out here in the cosmos a solo act? Or is what I want staring me right in the face and I'm too out of practice to see it? When those emotionally unavailable men I feel attracted to are around, are they actually seeing me the way I want them to? Or am I just a face in the crowd? I am so unaccustomed to the social cues of this mating ritual everyone around me seems expert at. Would I recognize it if he did hit on me?
Recently I have been actually getting out there and making my presence known to the world. Or at least the small little world of Cincinnati and Covington. And the world has been pretty good to me. I am learning a bunch about myself and the dynamics of how I relate to others.
As most of the people in my life would attest to, I am not shy. But I am an extremely introverted person when it comes to relating to members of the opposite sex. Yet again, I am faced with my love issues. I am grown up enough to accept accountability for my own brokenness. I brought myself to this place. But the walls around my heart are beginning to tumble down. This is a good thing. I am letting men in a little bit at a time. It seems silly that I should be so closed off to the possibility of allowing someone to want me. So in that respect I have made a conscious decision to open myself up to that possibility. The rub is, when I am finding myself attracted to a certain guy, he invariably seems either emotionally unavailable or interested in everyone but me. That hurts a little, but I don't expect everyone to appreciate the complexity of me. I am more woman than the majority of men are willing to accept into their lives. Then when someone does show interest in me, I am not attracted to him. So I am spinning in circles on this new journey to let people in. I know all the cliches about love being a numbers game and there are plenty of fish in the sea... blah, blah, blah and all that bullshit. I want love, but it is almost too frightening to actually let my guard down long enough to allow it in.
In the whole accepting accountability for my lack of involvement in the world of relationships, lovers, flirtatious interludes, one night stands, and rendezvous I still feel a bit cheated by the fates. I have been very patient with the world around me. I know I withdrew from these activities voluntarily. But still, couldn't the universe throw me a bone? Or at least a boner? Is it my karma, my fate to be alone? Am I just meant to dangle out here in the cosmos a solo act? Or is what I want staring me right in the face and I'm too out of practice to see it? When those emotionally unavailable men I feel attracted to are around, are they actually seeing me the way I want them to? Or am I just a face in the crowd? I am so unaccustomed to the social cues of this mating ritual everyone around me seems expert at. Would I recognize it if he did hit on me?