i'm already rehearsing things i will say to my kid, but i still can't rehearse a pickup lineautumn_auguryMarch 15 2006, 07:55:53 UTC
what is this "no such thing" you and solomon are talking about? no such what? no such thing as "the one"...? i'm so confused.
8 out of 11 friends say "i am already with the one i could imagine myself being with for the rest of my life" or something to that effect.
however, among those 8 people, i have to admit only one seems to be "ziptied". i guess my post didn't make a distinction between having found a potential future spouse and actually being tied down to that potential future spouse.
i can definitely understand the "if they don't share my values, they are not the one for me" mindset. however i consider myself lucky to find someone who shares many of my values AND with whom i have a good relationship dynamic, much less sharing all of the values i consider important. i think my problem might be that i have contradicting values- i am somehow simultaneously a socialist hippie and a bourgeois capitalist scumbag. anyway, because of the fact that i consider it so unlikely that i'll find someone who matches perfectly, thinking of "the one" is alien to me, and this is why it's so alien to me that most of my friends have potentially found "the one". this is why i am (half-assedly) freaking out- i feel like everybody's getting on the bus to happycoupleland and i just got left behind. if there's anything i've learned in the past year it's that i can be perfectly happy alone, but still, there's the bus feeling.
i rehearse the things i'm going to say in relationship counseling.simultaneityMarch 17 2006, 08:10:31 UTC
what i meant was 1. there is more than one possible match for each person- we are not looking, really, for The One. we are looking for Some One (or rather, we will find someone when the time is right.) 2. it is still too hard for me to picture myself with one person for "the rest of my life" at all, ideal or adequate. :)
i would like to paraphrase (correct) yr statement: 8 out of 11 friends say "i am currently with someone who i can imagine myself being with for the rest of my life" or something to that effect.
the problem with even my improved version of this sentiment is that i think it's normal for people (adults) to feel this way in in every relationship they have. what you're observing is not that 73% of yr friends have found their (potential) lifemates, but that these friends happen to be in relationships where the focus is LOVE (+ all the fun stuff of course) rather than just orgasms & cheese fries. therefore, what you're saying is "73% of my friends are in committed relationships"!! am i right? are there 8 "taken" people & 3 "single" people? :)
you won't find somebody who matches perfectly. none of us will. and i don't think yr values are all that condradicty. the northwest (probably ANY urban area, at least on a coast) is full of socially conscious capitalist scumbags, and this particular combination of values is even more common among our generation than among the people who are doing most of the buying today.
please keep the freakouts to a perfunctory level, if you must have them at all. the bus image is perfect- the thing about a bus is that people are always getting on & off it!
talking about human relationships is your strengthautumn_auguryMarch 17 2006, 10:17:29 UTC
some people do actually use the words "the one". i know you are more careful with your words and object to the idea of "the one", but some people aren't like that.
realistically, "the rest of my life" in a literal sense is an outdated concept, but it's still romantic and people still like the idea. it points to a future together. it creates certainty and stability when people are looking for those things. in one of the comments in the thread you linked to, someone said "every long term relationship i've ever had has been forever in my mind." when people say "forever" and "the rest of my life", they're really just talking about a long-term committed relationship, because no one can say whether a relationship will end. that's the kind of relationship to which i refer. really, what is the difference between a "potential lifemate" and "long-term committed relationship"?
by "matching perfectly", i meant "our important values (where to live, children, certain aspects of how to live) are in alignment, our personalities work well together, and we love each other". a more "perfect" match than that probably doesn't exist, like you said.
8 out of 11 friends say "i am already with the one i could imagine myself being with for the rest of my life" or something to that effect.
however, among those 8 people, i have to admit only one seems to be "ziptied". i guess my post didn't make a distinction between having found a potential future spouse and actually being tied down to that potential future spouse.
i can definitely understand the "if they don't share my values, they are not the one for me" mindset. however i consider myself lucky to find someone who shares many of my values AND with whom i have a good relationship dynamic, much less sharing all of the values i consider important. i think my problem might be that i have contradicting values- i am somehow simultaneously a socialist hippie and a bourgeois capitalist scumbag. anyway, because of the fact that i consider it so unlikely that i'll find someone who matches perfectly, thinking of "the one" is alien to me, and this is why it's so alien to me that most of my friends have potentially found "the one". this is why i am (half-assedly) freaking out- i feel like everybody's getting on the bus to happycoupleland and i just got left behind. if there's anything i've learned in the past year it's that i can be perfectly happy alone, but still, there's the bus feeling.
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1. there is more than one possible match for each person- we are not looking, really, for The One. we are looking for Some One (or rather, we will find someone when the time is right.)
2. it is still too hard for me to picture myself with one person for "the rest of my life" at all, ideal or adequate. :)
i would like to paraphrase (correct) yr statement:
8 out of 11 friends say "i am currently with someone who i can imagine myself being with for the rest of my life" or something to that effect.
the problem with even my improved version of this sentiment is that i think it's normal for people (adults) to feel this way in in every relationship they have. what you're observing is not that 73% of yr friends have found their (potential) lifemates, but that these friends happen to be in relationships where the focus is LOVE (+ all the fun stuff of course) rather than just orgasms & cheese fries. therefore, what you're saying is "73% of my friends are in committed relationships"!! am i right? are there 8 "taken" people & 3 "single" people? :)
you won't find somebody who matches perfectly. none of us will. and i don't think yr values are all that condradicty. the northwest (probably ANY urban area, at least on a coast) is full of socially conscious capitalist scumbags, and this particular combination of values is even more common among our generation than among the people who are doing most of the buying today.
please keep the freakouts to a perfunctory level, if you must have them at all. the bus image is perfect- the thing about a bus is that people are always getting on & off it!
also, this thread is relevant.
Reply
realistically, "the rest of my life" in a literal sense is an outdated concept, but it's still romantic and people still like the idea. it points to a future together. it creates certainty and stability when people are looking for those things. in one of the comments in the thread you linked to, someone said "every long term relationship i've ever had has been forever in my mind." when people say "forever" and "the rest of my life", they're really just talking about a long-term committed relationship, because no one can say whether a relationship will end. that's the kind of relationship to which i refer. really, what is the difference between a "potential lifemate" and "long-term committed relationship"?
by "matching perfectly", i meant "our important values (where to live, children, certain aspects of how to live) are in alignment, our personalities work well together, and we love each other". a more "perfect" match than that probably doesn't exist, like you said.
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