(no subject)
i am disgusted with the lifestyle that has come to be accepted as normal all around me.
this is strange for me because it was once MY lifestyle.
now, i just have no desire to be a part of it again,
no real nostalgia for that striking loss of feeling.
no desire to do anything but erradicate it totally from my life.
i watch people who are the way that i almost was once, and the only instincti have is nausea.
i just want to throw up on everyone who thinks that drugs are just an acceptable lifestyle habit, just as normal as having a beer with dinner, or a cigarette after a meal. really, it just makes me sick and sad and revolted to see how close i came to being one of these people.
it makes me sick and sad to see how close i came to losing every thing that represented my individuality and my will to live.
tonight was the first time in a long time that i wanted to fight back.
and it was the first time in even longer that i did.
and honestly....?
i forgot how amazing it feels to say "FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T OWN ME."
i need to be me again.
cause i used to be a shining example of independence and individuality.
and i think its still there.
it's just a matter of letting go.
a part of moving on, huh? maybe it is. maybe i have to let go of everything before i can really get past it.
it might not be pretty, but at least it will be real, it will be right, it will be mine.
i need this more than you can ever know.
it's over.
i'm free.
i'm still alive.
this is strange for me because it was once MY lifestyle.
now, i just have no desire to be a part of it again,
no real nostalgia for that striking loss of feeling.
no desire to do anything but erradicate it totally from my life.
i watch people who are the way that i almost was once, and the only instincti have is nausea.
i just want to throw up on everyone who thinks that drugs are just an acceptable lifestyle habit, just as normal as having a beer with dinner, or a cigarette after a meal. really, it just makes me sick and sad and revolted to see how close i came to being one of these people.
it makes me sick and sad to see how close i came to losing every thing that represented my individuality and my will to live.
tonight was the first time in a long time that i wanted to fight back.
and it was the first time in even longer that i did.
and honestly....?
i forgot how amazing it feels to say "FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T OWN ME."
i need to be me again.
cause i used to be a shining example of independence and individuality.
and i think its still there.
it's just a matter of letting go.
a part of moving on, huh? maybe it is. maybe i have to let go of everything before i can really get past it.
it might not be pretty, but at least it will be real, it will be right, it will be mine.
i need this more than you can ever know.
it's over.
i'm free.
i'm still alive.