Courtesy of Rusty:
My friend Rusty had sent me this e-mail a while back and wasn't sure if I had already posted in my lj. If I did, oh well....if not then enjoy. It's hilarious :-)
WAXING....
This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have
ever heard of...bless this woman.
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of
the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax - you just rub the strips
together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to
your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am
mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and
heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts
me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward
body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move
north.
After checking on the kids I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the
right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
the strip!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see
my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so
much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph
over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??! ? Slowly I ease my head down,
foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my
foot down. ARGHHH!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the
bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let
me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off"
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to
the bottom of the tub!!
God bless the man that convinced me I should have a
phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does
try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax
off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I slip into glazed donut land.
My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY!!!!!!! The scream
probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I
really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair..................................THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I shaved it off. I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try
hair color......
WAXING....
This has to be one of the funniest and most awful scenarios I have
ever heard of...bless this woman.
All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home, fix dinner,
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of
the medicine cabinet.
So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those
cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax - you just rub the strips
together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to
your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am
mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and
heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how this phrase haunts
me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and
pull.
OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward
body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move
north.
After checking on the kids I sneak back
into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure I apply the wax strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the
right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt
cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
the strip!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see
my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so
much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph
over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair. WHERE IS THE WAX??! ? Slowly I ease my head down,
foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on
the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted
hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my
foot down. ARGHHH!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the
bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let
me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off"
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to
the bottom of the tub!!
God bless the man that convinced me I should have a
phone in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend thinking surely she's waxed
before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter "So, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of
the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does
try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through
various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax
off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike
and I slip into glazed donut land.
My friend is still talking with me and my hand reaches towards the
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY!!!!!!! The scream
probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I
really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and
she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice
to my grief and despair..................................THE HAIR IS STILL
THERE.......................ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I shaved it off. I'm numb at this point. Next week I'm going to try
hair color......