i need a soft melody. sing me to sleep, so the nightmares cease.
im just going to say whats on my mind. its not a note for attention. i dont want pitty. its just some things i need to say wether its read or not.
i want to die right now. i suck at life. im failing school, im ruining my freindships, i make my parents lives hell, and i only hurt the person im the closest to.
i would either go drug myslef beyond repair, or slit my wrist and let the blood burn down the drain, but something is holding me back. im not quite sure what it is, or how to describe it. i barely have the motivation to sustain life. but i have enough drive to endure all the pain of merely existing. i really couldnt tell you why i feel like this, or why i get this way. and thats half my frustration. there has to be something wrong with me biochemically. because my feelings are so past complicated that it seems impossible for it to be self inflicted. it could be my impaired perception as a result of depression, but my feelings indicate that its not that simple. but what if it is, then im going to feel like a real ass.
i have never felt such dispair. such apathy. i understand everything around me for the most part, but there is no feeling besides anxious helplessness. my world is slowly falling apart bit by bit, and i feel no way to make it end. i am my own worst ngihtmare. the only thing i know how to do is be angry or frustrated, or hurt people without an applicable intention.
well my freinds, i have found one thing that i am wonderful at. for once i will admit to my ability to invest in something, to really be good at something. im good at being miserable and confused within the confinds of my own reality and theory.
im not even positive if this is just the chemicals of an upset talking. will the things im saying turn into yesterdays feeling? this place inside my head is nothing but a prison. i cant get out of myself, im stuck in my own skin. the skin i have to wear dutifully. the skin that had been plagued with muck from emotions undircted and without reason. i am a professional when it comes to being upset.
my bantering does no therapy for me anymore. this is merely my form of a plee. an undier need for a resignation letter.
i feel quite disconnected now. separated from reality, separated from my body. i do that when im upset. i have the incoherent ability to detatch from my body and allow my mind to float off to other places. its my resort to contain my sanity, for moments longer. i dont want to die, but i do not desire to exist any longer.
people can say things, like if i were you i would be so happy, and you have it so well compaired to, and im constantly told i dont try hard enough. if you could only feel what i feel, you would know if you were me you would be so happy. and sure i could have things alot worse, but that doesnt dismiss how i feel and how things are hard for me, and i never once said i deserved anything i have. i dont want the easy way out, because there is no easy way out for someone like me. and maybe i dont want to try, when trying never got me anything, reguardless of how much i did or didnt put effort forth. its difficult to try when you know your just going to be bludgened down by something else if not yourslef. its difficult to try when you dont do it right.
i want to give up. im not going to yet. but i want to.
life is without answers, and im not asking for any.
i just want for once, to be ok, and to get it right.
i just want to be ok.
i just want to be ok.
i just want to be ok.
im just so tired.
i want to die right now. i suck at life. im failing school, im ruining my freindships, i make my parents lives hell, and i only hurt the person im the closest to.
i would either go drug myslef beyond repair, or slit my wrist and let the blood burn down the drain, but something is holding me back. im not quite sure what it is, or how to describe it. i barely have the motivation to sustain life. but i have enough drive to endure all the pain of merely existing. i really couldnt tell you why i feel like this, or why i get this way. and thats half my frustration. there has to be something wrong with me biochemically. because my feelings are so past complicated that it seems impossible for it to be self inflicted. it could be my impaired perception as a result of depression, but my feelings indicate that its not that simple. but what if it is, then im going to feel like a real ass.
i have never felt such dispair. such apathy. i understand everything around me for the most part, but there is no feeling besides anxious helplessness. my world is slowly falling apart bit by bit, and i feel no way to make it end. i am my own worst ngihtmare. the only thing i know how to do is be angry or frustrated, or hurt people without an applicable intention.
well my freinds, i have found one thing that i am wonderful at. for once i will admit to my ability to invest in something, to really be good at something. im good at being miserable and confused within the confinds of my own reality and theory.
im not even positive if this is just the chemicals of an upset talking. will the things im saying turn into yesterdays feeling? this place inside my head is nothing but a prison. i cant get out of myself, im stuck in my own skin. the skin i have to wear dutifully. the skin that had been plagued with muck from emotions undircted and without reason. i am a professional when it comes to being upset.
my bantering does no therapy for me anymore. this is merely my form of a plee. an undier need for a resignation letter.
i feel quite disconnected now. separated from reality, separated from my body. i do that when im upset. i have the incoherent ability to detatch from my body and allow my mind to float off to other places. its my resort to contain my sanity, for moments longer. i dont want to die, but i do not desire to exist any longer.
people can say things, like if i were you i would be so happy, and you have it so well compaired to, and im constantly told i dont try hard enough. if you could only feel what i feel, you would know if you were me you would be so happy. and sure i could have things alot worse, but that doesnt dismiss how i feel and how things are hard for me, and i never once said i deserved anything i have. i dont want the easy way out, because there is no easy way out for someone like me. and maybe i dont want to try, when trying never got me anything, reguardless of how much i did or didnt put effort forth. its difficult to try when you know your just going to be bludgened down by something else if not yourslef. its difficult to try when you dont do it right.
i want to give up. im not going to yet. but i want to.
life is without answers, and im not asking for any.
i just want for once, to be ok, and to get it right.
i just want to be ok.
i just want to be ok.
i just want to be ok.
im just so tired.