after a while your mouth will go numb from the sting of alcohal....

[autum_in_chains]

i think its time to make yet another one of my official stupidity entrys, of self,world,life.... of revelationary obervations. i think its a good time to reflect upon the past years. im now realizing that i will most likely not remember a gigantic portion of my lifes events. and that i no longer withold the time in my hand to record my day by day meandering life. its quite frightening actually. to think that i cannot off the top of my head tell you what i did yesterday, the day before, or of the days of the past week. the only thing i remember now, is all the farmiliar faces, and all the farmiliar places.im thinking now of how i was feeling a year ago about this time of year. i was preparing to go through one of the most painful and emotionally scaring events of my life. im not saying things didnt turn out ok, but the pain of being shipped of off, wasnt what i describe as comforting. at about this time last year, last moments thoughts were running through my head like the very blood runs through my arms, legs, and brain. every time i looked at something farmiliar, its wasnt just looking at it anymore. it was a, "this is one of the last times. i better savor it and make it good." i was thinking back onto all the things i had done. my life in those 3 years, were the most eventful, the most painful, the most memorable. and i would come to learn from them. they were the most fun now that i look back at it. and i long to have fun like that again, even though i know that i cant. sometimes i wonder if it was even my life. it all seems so far away. anyways. i remember how i felt, how the air smelled. its the wierdest thing. but it feels so good. i remember what i was doing the first 3 days of the year last year. and when december 31st comes i will think, huh, i spent new years with dani eating summer sausage and drinking sparkling cider, and smoking pot behind everyones back. and when and when january 1st comes i will think, huh, i spent this day hanging out with dani, and that night taylor slept over and i talked to dan on the phone for 6 hours, and me and taylor drew chin faces on eachother with eyelines and slept in my basement closet after sean and david came over and terrorized my sister. and when january seccond comes i will think, huh, i spent this day doing god knows what because that night i went over to katelyns house with kellie katelyn and cambria. cambria went home and as a going away gift they smoked me out, and i smoked enough pot, for me to now have the 3 horror movies we watched imbeded in my mind as one combined film that scared the shit out of me. i waked and baked, and on january 3rd i will think, this was one of the most painful days of my life. i said goodbye to my best friends. i said goodbye to dani gill, my best friend, and i cried. alot. i cried when i left katelyns. its a really cool feeling to cry when your high. the tears felt really tingly on my face. i cried when i said goodbye to danis fmily and her. i cried when i said goodbye to my house. and i cried when i said goodbye to my sister as she left me at the airport in salt lake. and i cried when i walked to the terminal, by myself. on january 3rd i will think, wow. i walked away with nothing. with nobody by my side. i cired so much on the plane i think i might have slightly frightened the little girl who had to sit next to me. im kindof tearing up thinking back on all of it now.
even through all the crying and all the heartache, im still here. and im not alone anymroe and i dont have nothing. i still dont feel full, but thats something that has nothing to do with anyone but me. but i have freinds now, and a boyfreind who i love more than i could ever have imagined. and he loves me back. this time of year im not only thinking about the bad things, but the good things that i appreciate. i appreciate my alter life of the past, and the new life im living now. and i continue to create a comfortable enjoyable lifestyle for myself. the hardest thing for me to grasp right now, is how far ive come. i no longer have a drug problem, i have freinds in many places, i have ok grades, im in love with the most incredible guy and im very very lucky. all the more i could ask for is to be fully happy with who i am. and im working on that. and i just am realizing that maybe the reason why i think other people wont accept me, is because i refuse to accept me. i dont know why, but i think as soon as i accept who i am, everything else will slowly fall into place. but now that im done draining myself i need to go sleep. but i think ill have myself some captain morgan first heheh...goodnight

im tired. much love bitches
aUTuMN birdie 40 bravelittletoaster