im leaving out alot of details.
im supposed to be working harder. or im going to get grounded. its funny how things can all of a sudden just take a huge dump right on the face of your optimism. its astoundingly easy to lose faith in yourself when your being battered with the ideas and possibilities of having this or that disease or condition.
life. nobody said it would be easy. but also keep in mind nobody ever said it would be this hard. losiong faith in the freinds i once had, i feel that i have nobody to turn to. i know they are there, but do i feel it? its hard to feel much else but cold when the thermometer is telling me its no more than 7 degrees outside the window of my car. to realize, that things are so complicated because they could be so simple, can take the sanity of someone so easey, like taking money from the atm with a simple four digit password.
a curious insight: to notice also that the only things anyone ever seems to really define in conversation or awareness, journal entrys such as this one or simply in your head,are as is the shitty things that happen to one another, primarily the self. because im begining to become very aware of how miserable i am, and that those are the only times i feel motivated enough to say something about anything. i dont understand anything anymore. i feel like i barely have a freind to my name and i dont know why. i feel like i have no life and i dont know why. i feel like i have nothing going for me and i dont know why. i feel like im doing things to make all these things happen which result in the way i feel but i cant do anything about it cause i feel like i have no controll over anything....and i dont know why. everything is so hard for me, and i dont know why. im writing about all these things thinking someone might care and that it might make me feel better and i dont know why.
im stressed out and i need to sleep. but the world keeps turning and shines the flashlight of reality in my face. it drives me nuts. its not fair, why do i get so miserable, so bogged down with thought and stress to the point where i can barely function sometimes. i was absolutely fine this summer. i was having the happiest time of my life. i have had a considerable downfall since then. and the hill continues to erode and the catalyst is only pushing me foreward. but i dont have anymore time to type. im tired and have run out of pointless things to say.
if anyone happens to read this, and have been upset with me for acting strange, or doing something to offend you, or anything wrong, i have no awareness of it. and im sorry for the way i am. i dont notice what im doing, im sorry. please let me know what i can do to change things. im going through a very difficult time and it would be nice to know that i mended fraying ends of the sweater.
birdie/aUTuMN/ 40
life. nobody said it would be easy. but also keep in mind nobody ever said it would be this hard. losiong faith in the freinds i once had, i feel that i have nobody to turn to. i know they are there, but do i feel it? its hard to feel much else but cold when the thermometer is telling me its no more than 7 degrees outside the window of my car. to realize, that things are so complicated because they could be so simple, can take the sanity of someone so easey, like taking money from the atm with a simple four digit password.
a curious insight: to notice also that the only things anyone ever seems to really define in conversation or awareness, journal entrys such as this one or simply in your head,are as is the shitty things that happen to one another, primarily the self. because im begining to become very aware of how miserable i am, and that those are the only times i feel motivated enough to say something about anything. i dont understand anything anymore. i feel like i barely have a freind to my name and i dont know why. i feel like i have no life and i dont know why. i feel like i have nothing going for me and i dont know why. i feel like im doing things to make all these things happen which result in the way i feel but i cant do anything about it cause i feel like i have no controll over anything....and i dont know why. everything is so hard for me, and i dont know why. im writing about all these things thinking someone might care and that it might make me feel better and i dont know why.
im stressed out and i need to sleep. but the world keeps turning and shines the flashlight of reality in my face. it drives me nuts. its not fair, why do i get so miserable, so bogged down with thought and stress to the point where i can barely function sometimes. i was absolutely fine this summer. i was having the happiest time of my life. i have had a considerable downfall since then. and the hill continues to erode and the catalyst is only pushing me foreward. but i dont have anymore time to type. im tired and have run out of pointless things to say.
if anyone happens to read this, and have been upset with me for acting strange, or doing something to offend you, or anything wrong, i have no awareness of it. and im sorry for the way i am. i dont notice what im doing, im sorry. please let me know what i can do to change things. im going through a very difficult time and it would be nice to know that i mended fraying ends of the sweater.
birdie/aUTuMN/ 40