Bandom: Black Swan Theory Bonus Scene
For summary and warnings please see part one. Part two can be found here. And part three can be found here.
“I just intercepted a phone call from a residence about a dinosaur in an indoor swimming pool near the city,” Brian said wearily. He set down his phone on his desk and poked at it with a faint sneer. The phone was almost swallowed by the piles of papers that were probably important. And half of Brian’s lunch was perched precariously on the tallest pile. Bob didn’t know where the other half was, but he was fairly certain Brian hadn’t eaten it. Brian had run out of higher ground when he berated Gerard about the state of his lab.
“Why didn’t the rift detector go off?” Bob asked sitting down across from Brian’s desk. He figured this was why Brian had summoned him into his office. If not, it was probably about controlling Frank. Seriously, Bob wasn’t his keeper. People needed to remove that thought from their thick, stupid heads. However, Bob was a step away from becoming Brian’s keeper. Brian needed one as much as Frank but for different reasons. Frank needed someone to keep him out of trouble, and Brian needed someone to help him stay organized. Apparently Brian hadn’t thought of all the paperwork when he was given the job. Or maybe he had, and that was why he had been reluctant.
“Mikey’s been playing with the wiring,” Brian said. “He’s busy and so’re Gerard and Ray. I want you and Frank to head out. Take Blackinton, Smith, Suarez, and a truck. I’ll call Trohman and tell him to meet you there.”
“On one condition,” Bob said, leaning back in his chair so he could cross his arms.
Brian raised an eyebrow. It drew focus to the lines around his eyes, and paper thin skin under his eyes made it easy for Bob to see the dark circles.
“You eat lunch and go home tonight,” Bob said, then added, “To sleep.”
“I went home last night,” Brian protested.
“Of course you did, princess,” Bob placated. “I think it was one of my former students who went with you.”
Brian scowled.
“I could be lecturing you about coed undergrads,” Bob pointed out.
Brian sunk his head into his hands and massaged his forehead with his fingertips. “Fine,” he muttered. “Just get the damn dinosaur, and good luck explaining everything to the homeowner.”
~
The girl at the smiled up at Bob. “You weren’t the poolboy I asked for, but you’ll do.”
She yanked him inside, and even from the other side of the closed door, Bob could hear Frank cackling. The girl dragged him deeper into the house. Everything in the house was orderly. He even passed through the kitchen: everything was in its place. There weren’t even dishes in the sink. The house wasn’t that lavish, so Bob doubted there was an in-house maid.
When Frank realized the door wasn’t going to open again, he banged on it and shouted for Bob to open up.
Bob heard later that Smith had ended up opening it. Apparently, Frank didn’t think to use the handle.
Bob had already been swept away to a modest indoor pool. There was a dinosaur in it.
“I have a dinosaur in my pool,” the girl stated unnecessarily.
“Uh, yeah,” Bob said, wishing Trohman didn’t take so long to respond to calls. “On call” meant he needed to respond to calls.
“Well,” the girl said, placing her hands on her hips. “The chlorine can’t be good for him.”
Frank and the soldiers caught up with Bob and the girl.
“There’s a dinosaur in her pool,” Frank said. He looked quickly to the girl. “I mean, dinosaurs died out millions of years ago… Is that an ichthyosaur?”
“I know that,” the girl said. “He needs to be taken out.”
Smith eyed the dinosaur. “I’ll grab some cables.” He and Blackinton hurried back outside.
“So?” the girl prompted. “Why is there a dinosaur in my pool?”
“Look, miss,” Bob floundered.
“Ashlee Simpson,” she supplied.
“Look, Miss Simpson,” Bob said. “This is…”
“My job!” Trohman declared. Bob rolled his eyes. It was about damn time. Trohman then proceeded to tell Simpson a story that had absolutely no basis in reality.
She didn’t buy it.
“That’s not a dolphin. I know a dinosaur when I see it,” Simpson said stubbornly. “I just want to know how it ended up in my pool. Even if it were a dolphin, I’d still want to know how it ended up in my pool.”
Bob gave her a speculative look. She was obviously intelligent and obviously rich. Unless the house didn’t belong to her.
“Is this your house?” Bob asked. “Or are you house sitting?”
“My house,” the girl said tightly. She didn’t supply any more information.
“Okay,” Bob said. She was obviously successful; otherwise, she’d never be able to afford Jersey property tax. Of course, Bob assumed that her success was legitimate - legal. She didn’t look like a crack dealer.
“What do you do for a living?” Bob asked.
She tilted her head suspiciously. “I’m a singer.”
“Oh,” Bob said. That hadn’t been what he expected.
“I know my reaction to you could be considered flirting, but those were not my intentions,” she said in a really dangerous tone for someone so slight.
Frank sniggered. Bob smacked him.
“No,” Bob said cautiously. “I wanted to ask you if you wanted a job.”
“A job?” she asked doubtfully.
The soldiers returned with ropes and hooks and a tranquilizer gun.
Frank jumped into the pool with all of his clothes on. The ichthyosaur immediately objected. It thrashed around in attempt to snap at Frank, but the pool was too narrow for it to turn around. It settled for smacking Frank with its tail.
Frank sank to the bottom of the pool.
“God damn it,” Bob muttered.
The soldiers sprang to restrain the Ichthyosaur as Bob thrust a hand into the pool to yank Frank back up. He was unconscious, the fucker. Bob checked for breath and a pulse. They were both there.
Bob tried to remember his first aid, but his head just kept giving him flashes of Frank looking too pale with clammy skin.
“Out of the way,” Simpson said. She pushed Bob aside.
She checked Frank’s breath and pulse and then began to force the water from his lungs.
By the time Frank coughed up the water from his lungs, the soldiers had dragged the tranquilized ichthyosaur from the pool and into the backyard with intent to drag it around to the front and into their truck.
“Does this make me Sleeping Beauty?” Frank wheezed.
Simpson slapped him but not too hard.
Bob simply punched Frank. “You’re an asshole.”
“Let me grab some towels for you,” Simpson said. “You might be the same size as my boyfriend. I can lend you a change of clothes.”
“The lengths I go to just to get naked in somebody else’s house,” Frank said with a shake of his head.
~
With Frank drying off in the bathroom and the soldiers securing an ichthyosaur in the truck, Bob asked, “Do you want a job with us?”
Simpson raised her eyebrows. “With dinosaurs appearing in indoor swimming pools and your partner jumping into dinosaur-infested waters?”
“That about covers it,” Bob said dryly.
“But we have the military to keep us safe,” Trohman added. Trohman had definitely not earned his keep today.
“Sometimes,” Bob said, glaring at Trohman.
“What would my job be?” Simpson asked.
“First!” Frank announced as he entered the room. “Have you ever done cocaine?”
“Excuse me?!” Simpson cried, clearly affronted.
Bob took his badge out of his pocket and showed it to her. “Government job, government rules.”
“Oh,” Simpson said. “This is a government job? My taxes go to dinosaur rescues?”
“Yup,” Frank said with a pop.
“Ashlee!” Someone shouted from outside. “Ashlee!!”
Bob scowled. He knew that voice.
Simpson frowned. She then went to her front door and shouted out, “Pete! Why are you shouting? Just knock on the door!”
“There are men with guns telling me to stay away!” was shouted back.
Simpson turned to Bob. “Can you tell your men to not shoot my boyfriend? The dinosaur’s gone. He should be able to come in without violating your confidentiality laws.”
Bob gave her a speculative look. He hoped she took the job he offered, because she was exactly who Brian needed to keep him in line. Keep all of them in line.
The only problem was her boyfriend.
Bob looked to Frank. “Fine,” Bob said. “But Joe, you’d better talk to him.” Bob then leaned out of the door and said, “Let the man through.”
Bob resisted pinching the bridge of his nose as Pete Wentz bounded up to the door.
Frank looked down at his clothing and wrinkled his nose before he gave Bob a pleading look.
“Bobert?” Wentz asked as he stopped short. At least he wasn’t bounding anymore. Then he said, “Are you wearing my clothes, Iero? Ashlee!” Wentz then turned to Trohman. “Joe? I haven’t seen you since undergrad… What the hell is going on?”
It’s like the entire state was six degrees of Pete Wentz.
“Hey man,” Trohman said, giving Wentz an easy smile. “Ashlee was having some problems with her water table. A contaminate, you know. We’re just here to make sure everything’s been cleaned up properly.”
“Bryar and Iero are paleontologists,” Wentz said suspiciously. “What do they have to do with it?”
“New job,” Frank said with a shrug.
Wentz narrowed his eyes. He was even more suspicious than before. “What about the men with guns?”
“They’re there to make sure idiots like you don’t come in contact with the contaminants,” Simpson said frankly. She put her hands on her hips, jutted out a hip, and gave Wentz a superior look. Bob liked her, and again he hoped she would take the job. She would be exactly who Brian needed to keep him in line.
Frank gave her a large grin. “Does that mean you accept?”
Simpson gave him a bright smile. “How could I say no?”
“Okay,” Bob said. “Let’s go meet your new boss. Wentz, don’t you have classes to teach?”
“Ashlee sent me an emergency text,” Wentz said.
“Everything’s all right, Pete,” Ashlee said, placating him. “I need to go with these men to fill out some paperwork.”
Wentz gave Bob and Frank speculative glances before he relented and went off… after giving Simpson a kiss that seemed more like he was marking his territory. Simpson had pinched his arm in retaliation.
“So you know Pete?” Simpson asked.
“We used to work with him,” Frank said.
“So you know Mikey, then?” she asked.
Frank flashed her a blinding smile. “He’s my best friend! And we still work with him.”
“Pete said he disappeared,” Simpson continued. “But if he’s working for a classified government branch, I suppose that makes sense.”
~
“Who the fuck is that?!” Brian’s shout echoed throughout The Warehouse and caused the Arctocyon pups to howl in return. He pointed around Bob to Simpson, where she stood in the doorway of his office.
“Your new assistant,” Bob said. He pointedly eyed half of Brian’s lunch, right where it had been when Bob had left his office earlier that day. He didn’t point out that it was closer to dinner time than lunch.
“She hasn’t been vetted, and she most certainly has not been hired as my assistant!” Brian protested. “There’s no way she should even be here. I’d expect this from Frank or Mikey, but not from you!”
“All of my business has been plastered all over TMZ,” Simpson said.
“TMZ?” Brian scoffed. “Are you a Hollywood brat?”
“Excuse me,” Simpson said, affronted. “You’re clearly one to talk. This Hollywood brat at least values organization. I’m sure it takes you an hour to find something you need. And I eat regularly, which is more than I can say for you.” She swept a hand to encompass Brian’s entire desk.
Brian stared at her.
Simpson crossed her arms over her chest.
Frank pulled up a chair and watched eagerly, until Bob grabbed Frank and pulled him out of Brian’s office.
“You’re still wearing Wentz’s clothes,” Bob said. “You can change out of them at my place.”
“I don’t have any replacement clothes at your place,” Frank stated. “I keep them in the truck of my car.”
“I know,” Bob said.
“…I like the way you think,” Frank said with a smirk.
“Bryar!” Brian called from his office. “She’s your responsibility!”
“That means I’m hired!” Simpson shouted.
“Good!” Bob said.
“Bob,” Mikey said. Bob was very proud of himself for not jumping. Seriously, he wondered if he could file a work order for a bell for Mikey. “Why did Pete send me a text about you stealing his girlfriend?”
“She’s Brian’s new assistant,” Frank said.
“Oh,” Mikey said. “Brian needs someone to make him eat. I fixed the rift detector.”
“Good,” Frank said. “But Bob said he’d take me home and defile me.”
Bob glowered at Frank.
“Have fun,” Mikey said with a wave of his hand. He wandered back to do whatever it was he was doing.
End!
Master Post | Bonus Materials | Dinosaur Primer
“I just intercepted a phone call from a residence about a dinosaur in an indoor swimming pool near the city,” Brian said wearily. He set down his phone on his desk and poked at it with a faint sneer. The phone was almost swallowed by the piles of papers that were probably important. And half of Brian’s lunch was perched precariously on the tallest pile. Bob didn’t know where the other half was, but he was fairly certain Brian hadn’t eaten it. Brian had run out of higher ground when he berated Gerard about the state of his lab.
“Why didn’t the rift detector go off?” Bob asked sitting down across from Brian’s desk. He figured this was why Brian had summoned him into his office. If not, it was probably about controlling Frank. Seriously, Bob wasn’t his keeper. People needed to remove that thought from their thick, stupid heads. However, Bob was a step away from becoming Brian’s keeper. Brian needed one as much as Frank but for different reasons. Frank needed someone to keep him out of trouble, and Brian needed someone to help him stay organized. Apparently Brian hadn’t thought of all the paperwork when he was given the job. Or maybe he had, and that was why he had been reluctant.
“Mikey’s been playing with the wiring,” Brian said. “He’s busy and so’re Gerard and Ray. I want you and Frank to head out. Take Blackinton, Smith, Suarez, and a truck. I’ll call Trohman and tell him to meet you there.”
“On one condition,” Bob said, leaning back in his chair so he could cross his arms.
Brian raised an eyebrow. It drew focus to the lines around his eyes, and paper thin skin under his eyes made it easy for Bob to see the dark circles.
“You eat lunch and go home tonight,” Bob said, then added, “To sleep.”
“I went home last night,” Brian protested.
“Of course you did, princess,” Bob placated. “I think it was one of my former students who went with you.”
Brian scowled.
“I could be lecturing you about coed undergrads,” Bob pointed out.
Brian sunk his head into his hands and massaged his forehead with his fingertips. “Fine,” he muttered. “Just get the damn dinosaur, and good luck explaining everything to the homeowner.”
~
The girl at the smiled up at Bob. “You weren’t the poolboy I asked for, but you’ll do.”
She yanked him inside, and even from the other side of the closed door, Bob could hear Frank cackling. The girl dragged him deeper into the house. Everything in the house was orderly. He even passed through the kitchen: everything was in its place. There weren’t even dishes in the sink. The house wasn’t that lavish, so Bob doubted there was an in-house maid.
When Frank realized the door wasn’t going to open again, he banged on it and shouted for Bob to open up.
Bob heard later that Smith had ended up opening it. Apparently, Frank didn’t think to use the handle.
Bob had already been swept away to a modest indoor pool. There was a dinosaur in it.
“I have a dinosaur in my pool,” the girl stated unnecessarily.
“Uh, yeah,” Bob said, wishing Trohman didn’t take so long to respond to calls. “On call” meant he needed to respond to calls.
“Well,” the girl said, placing her hands on her hips. “The chlorine can’t be good for him.”
Frank and the soldiers caught up with Bob and the girl.
“There’s a dinosaur in her pool,” Frank said. He looked quickly to the girl. “I mean, dinosaurs died out millions of years ago… Is that an ichthyosaur?”
“I know that,” the girl said. “He needs to be taken out.”
Smith eyed the dinosaur. “I’ll grab some cables.” He and Blackinton hurried back outside.
“So?” the girl prompted. “Why is there a dinosaur in my pool?”
“Look, miss,” Bob floundered.
“Ashlee Simpson,” she supplied.
“Look, Miss Simpson,” Bob said. “This is…”
“My job!” Trohman declared. Bob rolled his eyes. It was about damn time. Trohman then proceeded to tell Simpson a story that had absolutely no basis in reality.
She didn’t buy it.
“That’s not a dolphin. I know a dinosaur when I see it,” Simpson said stubbornly. “I just want to know how it ended up in my pool. Even if it were a dolphin, I’d still want to know how it ended up in my pool.”
Bob gave her a speculative look. She was obviously intelligent and obviously rich. Unless the house didn’t belong to her.
“Is this your house?” Bob asked. “Or are you house sitting?”
“My house,” the girl said tightly. She didn’t supply any more information.
“Okay,” Bob said. She was obviously successful; otherwise, she’d never be able to afford Jersey property tax. Of course, Bob assumed that her success was legitimate - legal. She didn’t look like a crack dealer.
“What do you do for a living?” Bob asked.
She tilted her head suspiciously. “I’m a singer.”
“Oh,” Bob said. That hadn’t been what he expected.
“I know my reaction to you could be considered flirting, but those were not my intentions,” she said in a really dangerous tone for someone so slight.
Frank sniggered. Bob smacked him.
“No,” Bob said cautiously. “I wanted to ask you if you wanted a job.”
“A job?” she asked doubtfully.
The soldiers returned with ropes and hooks and a tranquilizer gun.
Frank jumped into the pool with all of his clothes on. The ichthyosaur immediately objected. It thrashed around in attempt to snap at Frank, but the pool was too narrow for it to turn around. It settled for smacking Frank with its tail.
Frank sank to the bottom of the pool.
“God damn it,” Bob muttered.
The soldiers sprang to restrain the Ichthyosaur as Bob thrust a hand into the pool to yank Frank back up. He was unconscious, the fucker. Bob checked for breath and a pulse. They were both there.
Bob tried to remember his first aid, but his head just kept giving him flashes of Frank looking too pale with clammy skin.
“Out of the way,” Simpson said. She pushed Bob aside.
She checked Frank’s breath and pulse and then began to force the water from his lungs.
By the time Frank coughed up the water from his lungs, the soldiers had dragged the tranquilized ichthyosaur from the pool and into the backyard with intent to drag it around to the front and into their truck.
“Does this make me Sleeping Beauty?” Frank wheezed.
Simpson slapped him but not too hard.
Bob simply punched Frank. “You’re an asshole.”
“Let me grab some towels for you,” Simpson said. “You might be the same size as my boyfriend. I can lend you a change of clothes.”
“The lengths I go to just to get naked in somebody else’s house,” Frank said with a shake of his head.
~
With Frank drying off in the bathroom and the soldiers securing an ichthyosaur in the truck, Bob asked, “Do you want a job with us?”
Simpson raised her eyebrows. “With dinosaurs appearing in indoor swimming pools and your partner jumping into dinosaur-infested waters?”
“That about covers it,” Bob said dryly.
“But we have the military to keep us safe,” Trohman added. Trohman had definitely not earned his keep today.
“Sometimes,” Bob said, glaring at Trohman.
“What would my job be?” Simpson asked.
“First!” Frank announced as he entered the room. “Have you ever done cocaine?”
“Excuse me?!” Simpson cried, clearly affronted.
Bob took his badge out of his pocket and showed it to her. “Government job, government rules.”
“Oh,” Simpson said. “This is a government job? My taxes go to dinosaur rescues?”
“Yup,” Frank said with a pop.
“Ashlee!” Someone shouted from outside. “Ashlee!!”
Bob scowled. He knew that voice.
Simpson frowned. She then went to her front door and shouted out, “Pete! Why are you shouting? Just knock on the door!”
“There are men with guns telling me to stay away!” was shouted back.
Simpson turned to Bob. “Can you tell your men to not shoot my boyfriend? The dinosaur’s gone. He should be able to come in without violating your confidentiality laws.”
Bob gave her a speculative look. He hoped she took the job he offered, because she was exactly who Brian needed to keep him in line. Keep all of them in line.
The only problem was her boyfriend.
Bob looked to Frank. “Fine,” Bob said. “But Joe, you’d better talk to him.” Bob then leaned out of the door and said, “Let the man through.”
Bob resisted pinching the bridge of his nose as Pete Wentz bounded up to the door.
Frank looked down at his clothing and wrinkled his nose before he gave Bob a pleading look.
“Bobert?” Wentz asked as he stopped short. At least he wasn’t bounding anymore. Then he said, “Are you wearing my clothes, Iero? Ashlee!” Wentz then turned to Trohman. “Joe? I haven’t seen you since undergrad… What the hell is going on?”
It’s like the entire state was six degrees of Pete Wentz.
“Hey man,” Trohman said, giving Wentz an easy smile. “Ashlee was having some problems with her water table. A contaminate, you know. We’re just here to make sure everything’s been cleaned up properly.”
“Bryar and Iero are paleontologists,” Wentz said suspiciously. “What do they have to do with it?”
“New job,” Frank said with a shrug.
Wentz narrowed his eyes. He was even more suspicious than before. “What about the men with guns?”
“They’re there to make sure idiots like you don’t come in contact with the contaminants,” Simpson said frankly. She put her hands on her hips, jutted out a hip, and gave Wentz a superior look. Bob liked her, and again he hoped she would take the job. She would be exactly who Brian needed to keep him in line.
Frank gave her a large grin. “Does that mean you accept?”
Simpson gave him a bright smile. “How could I say no?”
“Okay,” Bob said. “Let’s go meet your new boss. Wentz, don’t you have classes to teach?”
“Ashlee sent me an emergency text,” Wentz said.
“Everything’s all right, Pete,” Ashlee said, placating him. “I need to go with these men to fill out some paperwork.”
Wentz gave Bob and Frank speculative glances before he relented and went off… after giving Simpson a kiss that seemed more like he was marking his territory. Simpson had pinched his arm in retaliation.
“So you know Pete?” Simpson asked.
“We used to work with him,” Frank said.
“So you know Mikey, then?” she asked.
Frank flashed her a blinding smile. “He’s my best friend! And we still work with him.”
“Pete said he disappeared,” Simpson continued. “But if he’s working for a classified government branch, I suppose that makes sense.”
~
“Who the fuck is that?!” Brian’s shout echoed throughout The Warehouse and caused the Arctocyon pups to howl in return. He pointed around Bob to Simpson, where she stood in the doorway of his office.
“Your new assistant,” Bob said. He pointedly eyed half of Brian’s lunch, right where it had been when Bob had left his office earlier that day. He didn’t point out that it was closer to dinner time than lunch.
“She hasn’t been vetted, and she most certainly has not been hired as my assistant!” Brian protested. “There’s no way she should even be here. I’d expect this from Frank or Mikey, but not from you!”
“All of my business has been plastered all over TMZ,” Simpson said.
“TMZ?” Brian scoffed. “Are you a Hollywood brat?”
“Excuse me,” Simpson said, affronted. “You’re clearly one to talk. This Hollywood brat at least values organization. I’m sure it takes you an hour to find something you need. And I eat regularly, which is more than I can say for you.” She swept a hand to encompass Brian’s entire desk.
Brian stared at her.
Simpson crossed her arms over her chest.
Frank pulled up a chair and watched eagerly, until Bob grabbed Frank and pulled him out of Brian’s office.
“You’re still wearing Wentz’s clothes,” Bob said. “You can change out of them at my place.”
“I don’t have any replacement clothes at your place,” Frank stated. “I keep them in the truck of my car.”
“I know,” Bob said.
“…I like the way you think,” Frank said with a smirk.
“Bryar!” Brian called from his office. “She’s your responsibility!”
“That means I’m hired!” Simpson shouted.
“Good!” Bob said.
“Bob,” Mikey said. Bob was very proud of himself for not jumping. Seriously, he wondered if he could file a work order for a bell for Mikey. “Why did Pete send me a text about you stealing his girlfriend?”
“She’s Brian’s new assistant,” Frank said.
“Oh,” Mikey said. “Brian needs someone to make him eat. I fixed the rift detector.”
“Good,” Frank said. “But Bob said he’d take me home and defile me.”
Bob glowered at Frank.
“Have fun,” Mikey said with a wave of his hand. He wandered back to do whatever it was he was doing.
End!
Master Post | Bonus Materials | Dinosaur Primer