outfits you don't want to wear into battle, by leslie powell, age 9
Dear Guys and Girls Who Draw Stuff:
It is easy for even me, an admittedly genius nine year old, to see that these fantasy outfits, though perhaps sexy and impressive in a LARP-party Ren-Fest kind of way, would ultimately end in your quick demise were you to wear them on a field of battle.
To wit:
Everybody recognizes this chick. Though her rack could potentially protect her from fatally cracking her skull were she to be kicked in the back (her tits are big enough to keep it from hitting the ground), the first thing I'd be aiming for would be that nice handle she gave her skull, so that I could take her head off in one clean sweep with my trusty sword. See, that way, I could use said decapitated head for a possible melee weapon, Brock Samson-style. Two weapons are better than one. Which is probably why she's got her tits out in the first place. Orcs are dazzled by tits.
Granted, okay, she's a wizard, whatever. She's got forcefields, and she doesn't need guar gum to keep her tube top on. But in a field of battle, it is best to be prepared. If she wants to go into battle all cute, she needs to snap her gum, take out her big ass earrings (you can make some scary noises while you're doing this, you can talk smack like a fuckin' sailor while you're getting your hoops out, take it from a girl who's watched Anacostia girl-fights), and maybe she could weave some razor blades into her Scrunchie so that I'd lose a few fingers when I went for the pumpkin stem. Anacostia girls would do that, too.
***
Likewise, there's this dumb-ass thing that came into existence during the whole Chromium Age, Issue #0 craze back in the 1990's. Rob Liefeld, Image Comics, proto-metrosexuality, I blame you all for this shit.
What the fuck is the shit with, "I gotta protect my face, but NOT THE TOP OF MY FUCKING HEAD?" It makes me want to carry around a big mallet like those girls in anime. It would notch right there in the top of that fucked-up whateverthehell wimple-thing he's wearing, and however he's keeping it on.
The only reasons I can discern that this armor-like item even exists:
1.) You gotta see his cool ass hairdo. (See first item: Everquest Chick.)
2.) Rob Liefeld's built an entire career from drawing men who can grimace so hard it actually bends whatever metal that face-jewelry's supposed to be made out of.
Metal is just about pewter soft in Rob Liefeld's universe. Which means that maybe everyone's made out of matter that is comparatively like Nerf. I can believe that. Nerf fights rarely end up with the top of someone's head caved in.
BUT STILL!
*
EDITED TO ADD 01022010:
This is what I think of when I see the metal wimple:
It is easy for even me, an admittedly genius nine year old, to see that these fantasy outfits, though perhaps sexy and impressive in a LARP-party Ren-Fest kind of way, would ultimately end in your quick demise were you to wear them on a field of battle.
To wit:
Everybody recognizes this chick. Though her rack could potentially protect her from fatally cracking her skull were she to be kicked in the back (her tits are big enough to keep it from hitting the ground), the first thing I'd be aiming for would be that nice handle she gave her skull, so that I could take her head off in one clean sweep with my trusty sword. See, that way, I could use said decapitated head for a possible melee weapon, Brock Samson-style. Two weapons are better than one. Which is probably why she's got her tits out in the first place. Orcs are dazzled by tits.
Granted, okay, she's a wizard, whatever. She's got forcefields, and she doesn't need guar gum to keep her tube top on. But in a field of battle, it is best to be prepared. If she wants to go into battle all cute, she needs to snap her gum, take out her big ass earrings (you can make some scary noises while you're doing this, you can talk smack like a fuckin' sailor while you're getting your hoops out, take it from a girl who's watched Anacostia girl-fights), and maybe she could weave some razor blades into her Scrunchie so that I'd lose a few fingers when I went for the pumpkin stem. Anacostia girls would do that, too.
***
Likewise, there's this dumb-ass thing that came into existence during the whole Chromium Age, Issue #0 craze back in the 1990's. Rob Liefeld, Image Comics, proto-metrosexuality, I blame you all for this shit.
What the fuck is the shit with, "I gotta protect my face, but NOT THE TOP OF MY FUCKING HEAD?" It makes me want to carry around a big mallet like those girls in anime. It would notch right there in the top of that fucked-up whateverthehell wimple-thing he's wearing, and however he's keeping it on.
The only reasons I can discern that this armor-like item even exists:
1.) You gotta see his cool ass hairdo. (See first item: Everquest Chick.)
2.) Rob Liefeld's built an entire career from drawing men who can grimace so hard it actually bends whatever metal that face-jewelry's supposed to be made out of.
Metal is just about pewter soft in Rob Liefeld's universe. Which means that maybe everyone's made out of matter that is comparatively like Nerf. I can believe that. Nerf fights rarely end up with the top of someone's head caved in.
BUT STILL!
*
EDITED TO ADD 01022010:
This is what I think of when I see the metal wimple: