It's 2005. Time for something.
I don't know what it is, that we as human beings are subject to efforts of personal change around this time of year. I am quite curious as to why that is? Is it because we feel now that a new year has passed, we are one step closer to our death. Are we that scared of dying? Are we that scared of dying, and having lived an unfullfilled life? Perhaps it is something else, please, opinions are welcome.
I, however, do not place myself in a position different from anyone else, I have pushed myself towards my own personal change. So.. I suppose this is a good a place as any, to write in here (for reasons entirely personal), what I wrote down the other night. In a completley seperate, and quite more physical journal. Oh, but when Im done, my gift list.
"Dec 31, 2004 3:54am
I am sitting in bed, cat on one side, lamp on the other. I am done. This isn't a resolution it is a promise. Today is the day I said my peace, heard the rest of the story, and made the solemn vow taht my parents relationship is no longer something I will try to change. Unfortunate as it may be, if they have both given up, then there is a little hope taht I can contribute aything positive to the equation. Which really I think was a foolish idea to begin with see as how it is not my relationship. But, it is my family, and I still have to live in this godforsaken house. So... for my own sake, after nearly 20 years of pushing it down, pushing it away, hiding my feelings, and trying to not let it bother me, I tried. 20 years to late I am afraid. So as mighty (ha) and effort as it was, it was for naught. Although, somethings come out of these situations, both for good and for bad. I know where I got my mind from unfortunatley it came coupled with news taht alcoholism is maybe a bit mroe prevelent than I had realized. Like I needed any more risk factors. Hell, and people wonder why I don't go out much. I am sorry, but I just cannot afford to fall into that trap. All in all, I can take a small glimmer of hope away from it all. Not for my parents, for I am afriad there is far to little hope with them. No, the hope I have is for myself. Because I finally made good on a promise to myself. The wall of silence, of 19 years, I finally broke it down, maybe just once, and maybe it didn't accomplish a heck of a lot. But, perhaps I can finally get around to trusting people in my life, and know it is for real. Although, if I went and did taht, I would have that much less drama in my life, and where is the fun in that? Oh wait, the fun is when I don't end up in a shitty relationship, that's right. (I have a very bitter sense of humor sometimes, please excuse that.) Of course that touches on quite another though, for quite another time. Anyways, these were some tidbits that came from recent discussions about relationships
- Don't settle when it comes to who you are going to spend the rest of your life with (up for debate, i think you can make it work with a less than ideal mate)
- Be very VERY concerned with communication
- Find a passion you can share
At least thats what I got. It's early and I need mroe sleep than mental disclosure right now, adios."
So that is that.
I can tell you already, this is gonna turn into a long entry, guess I need to update more often.
Couple of self-observations and implications come out of that entry and other things
1) Yeah it should be obvious, but apparently I needed the lesson, that I "can't change everything". Which is fine, I am aware of that, I am by no means divine, but in this aspect it seems I needed a reminder.
2) I think I am on a intellectually equal level with my parents, but we have to major differences in the way we think. Their's is a cynical outlook forged by the experience of years to quote my mother "the world is a dangerous place", mine is an optimistic outlook forged by .. well.. you tell me. Is it a lack of experience, or just a different overall outlook. One of those psychological questions that needs answering, what has a greater impact, cognition, or experience on human development.
3) Mother seemed to think I should speak to a professional, I think the fact that I have gotten my feelings off my chest, to a person who really needed to hear it, pretty much wrapped things up for me. I am done with trying to help that particular part of my family, and have turned my focus elsewhere. Any outside opinion probably wouldn't be bad here.
4) The big question that is raised for myself is how am I going to handle my future romantic relationships (which so far, haven't really been all that great or fullfilling). In the near future, probably I just plan to date to date, just have some fun, have someone to talk to on a consistant basis. I'll figure it out from there. Although lately, I keep thinking about having a family of my own, and being a father. It is odd though, I haven't thought quite as much about what I am looking for in a person i would want to marry. Perhaps that is something I need to be doing more of.
Ok enough I am probably coming up to the limit on ammount of text you can have in an entry, on to what I got this Holiday season, in my personal effort to fuel our lovely capitalist system.
Day Timer Planner - This will come in handy
New PS2 - The skinnier one, this was a surprize, an awesome surprize
Games - Star Wars Battlefront, Splinter Cell: Pandora Tommorow, Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, Jax 2 (came with the system), Call of Duty: Finest Hour.
CD's - (Over the course of the last couple of months really) The Mars Volta - Tremulant EP, Mos Def - The New Danger, Head Automatica - Decadence, The Music Man Soundtrack, Duke Ellington Compilation
Books - "The Hobbit", American Splendor - Our Movie Year,
DVD - Kill Bill Vol 1,2 (won a thing at work)
A candle, I got it from a friend, its a nice candle, smells all purty and shit
A CD organizer - Cause obviously I need the damn thing now
Some clothes, and the usual socks (its a family thing, watch "The Christmas Story" to understand)
And the intangibles
3.9 GPA for the Fall
My insurance being paid for me for December
My Brother coming home from Okinawa Japan for the week
My mom getting me on AAA
Then, getting into a minor accident, with no injuries, and having AAA to use
And hopefully, my car back before the second week of January.
Thats all, the routine starts up again on Jan 3, when I have to be back at school for a skit rehearsal for orientations, and then back all sorts of times between then and when classes start again.
so
See yall soon, hope you had an enjoyable break.
Peace
PS. Some lyrics to leave by
"So many suitors, I don't even have a suit to wear.
So many influential fingers running through your hair.
I am the razor in the hand of your heart.
I am the razor in the hands of god"
Seesh, you guys are gonna be able to psychoanalyze me as a passtime with everything I write in here.
I, however, do not place myself in a position different from anyone else, I have pushed myself towards my own personal change. So.. I suppose this is a good a place as any, to write in here (for reasons entirely personal), what I wrote down the other night. In a completley seperate, and quite more physical journal. Oh, but when Im done, my gift list.
"Dec 31, 2004 3:54am
I am sitting in bed, cat on one side, lamp on the other. I am done. This isn't a resolution it is a promise. Today is the day I said my peace, heard the rest of the story, and made the solemn vow taht my parents relationship is no longer something I will try to change. Unfortunate as it may be, if they have both given up, then there is a little hope taht I can contribute aything positive to the equation. Which really I think was a foolish idea to begin with see as how it is not my relationship. But, it is my family, and I still have to live in this godforsaken house. So... for my own sake, after nearly 20 years of pushing it down, pushing it away, hiding my feelings, and trying to not let it bother me, I tried. 20 years to late I am afraid. So as mighty (ha) and effort as it was, it was for naught. Although, somethings come out of these situations, both for good and for bad. I know where I got my mind from unfortunatley it came coupled with news taht alcoholism is maybe a bit mroe prevelent than I had realized. Like I needed any more risk factors. Hell, and people wonder why I don't go out much. I am sorry, but I just cannot afford to fall into that trap. All in all, I can take a small glimmer of hope away from it all. Not for my parents, for I am afriad there is far to little hope with them. No, the hope I have is for myself. Because I finally made good on a promise to myself. The wall of silence, of 19 years, I finally broke it down, maybe just once, and maybe it didn't accomplish a heck of a lot. But, perhaps I can finally get around to trusting people in my life, and know it is for real. Although, if I went and did taht, I would have that much less drama in my life, and where is the fun in that? Oh wait, the fun is when I don't end up in a shitty relationship, that's right. (I have a very bitter sense of humor sometimes, please excuse that.) Of course that touches on quite another though, for quite another time. Anyways, these were some tidbits that came from recent discussions about relationships
- Don't settle when it comes to who you are going to spend the rest of your life with (up for debate, i think you can make it work with a less than ideal mate)
- Be very VERY concerned with communication
- Find a passion you can share
At least thats what I got. It's early and I need mroe sleep than mental disclosure right now, adios."
So that is that.
I can tell you already, this is gonna turn into a long entry, guess I need to update more often.
Couple of self-observations and implications come out of that entry and other things
1) Yeah it should be obvious, but apparently I needed the lesson, that I "can't change everything". Which is fine, I am aware of that, I am by no means divine, but in this aspect it seems I needed a reminder.
2) I think I am on a intellectually equal level with my parents, but we have to major differences in the way we think. Their's is a cynical outlook forged by the experience of years to quote my mother "the world is a dangerous place", mine is an optimistic outlook forged by .. well.. you tell me. Is it a lack of experience, or just a different overall outlook. One of those psychological questions that needs answering, what has a greater impact, cognition, or experience on human development.
3) Mother seemed to think I should speak to a professional, I think the fact that I have gotten my feelings off my chest, to a person who really needed to hear it, pretty much wrapped things up for me. I am done with trying to help that particular part of my family, and have turned my focus elsewhere. Any outside opinion probably wouldn't be bad here.
4) The big question that is raised for myself is how am I going to handle my future romantic relationships (which so far, haven't really been all that great or fullfilling). In the near future, probably I just plan to date to date, just have some fun, have someone to talk to on a consistant basis. I'll figure it out from there. Although lately, I keep thinking about having a family of my own, and being a father. It is odd though, I haven't thought quite as much about what I am looking for in a person i would want to marry. Perhaps that is something I need to be doing more of.
Ok enough I am probably coming up to the limit on ammount of text you can have in an entry, on to what I got this Holiday season, in my personal effort to fuel our lovely capitalist system.
Day Timer Planner - This will come in handy
New PS2 - The skinnier one, this was a surprize, an awesome surprize
Games - Star Wars Battlefront, Splinter Cell: Pandora Tommorow, Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, Jax 2 (came with the system), Call of Duty: Finest Hour.
CD's - (Over the course of the last couple of months really) The Mars Volta - Tremulant EP, Mos Def - The New Danger, Head Automatica - Decadence, The Music Man Soundtrack, Duke Ellington Compilation
Books - "The Hobbit", American Splendor - Our Movie Year,
DVD - Kill Bill Vol 1,2 (won a thing at work)
A candle, I got it from a friend, its a nice candle, smells all purty and shit
A CD organizer - Cause obviously I need the damn thing now
Some clothes, and the usual socks (its a family thing, watch "The Christmas Story" to understand)
And the intangibles
3.9 GPA for the Fall
My insurance being paid for me for December
My Brother coming home from Okinawa Japan for the week
My mom getting me on AAA
Then, getting into a minor accident, with no injuries, and having AAA to use
And hopefully, my car back before the second week of January.
Thats all, the routine starts up again on Jan 3, when I have to be back at school for a skit rehearsal for orientations, and then back all sorts of times between then and when classes start again.
so
See yall soon, hope you had an enjoyable break.
Peace
PS. Some lyrics to leave by
"So many suitors, I don't even have a suit to wear.
So many influential fingers running through your hair.
I am the razor in the hand of your heart.
I am the razor in the hands of god"
Seesh, you guys are gonna be able to psychoanalyze me as a passtime with everything I write in here.