I Lose At Life

[authorofnothing]

that's basically what happened tonight.
i dropped the ball.
it hasn't been that bad in ages 
and i freaked out in front of one of the last people
with whom i should lose it in front of
it doesn't matter that i can only show 
my true self to him.
he doesn't want it.

why would anyone?

i made a bunch of mistakes when i was younger
but certain ones just never seem to really leave me
and yet i claim to be forgiven?

im also having jealousy rages
of all my friends in general
im slowly starting to hate every single one of them
and i dont want to
but i can't help it.

i'm just....i'm sorry.
i wish i wasn't so tainted.
i wish i wasn't so broken.
i wish i could find that book.
maybe if i lose myself in all the death
then i can finally die.

we all know that's what i really want.